bubblehead

Im back to day one. I just had a completely hellish week. Biggest problem was my dog had to go to the emergency vet. Over $600. Then my employer didn't pay me. So my account wound up being overdrawn and when I finally did get paid, a lot of it was eaten up in fees. Then my fiance or whatever he is now, we got into a huge fight. I cracked last night, sat in my car outside the house and drank myself sick. Not to mention I smoked 2 packs of cigarettes. I downed a 12 pack and a bottle of wine on top of that. Ok, I didn't drink all the beer, most of them were still half full when I went out to throw them away. I am seriously nauseated, I dont think its withdrawal, I think I just plain made myself sick. That accomplished absolutely nothing except maybe short term anxiety relief, only to have worse anxiety this morning. This sucks.

suki44883

Yeah, I'm sure it does. Can't remember the last hangover I had, but I do remember having them and having to get up and go to work anyway. Sucks is a good way to put it.

There is no situation so bad that alcohol can't make worse. All the bad things that happened yesterday still happened, but now you have to deal with them while also dealing with a hangover. Sucks.

bubblehead

Yeah I know. At least I didn't do anything stupid while I was drunk. Other than keep drinking. I've not drank for awhile, I forgot how crappy it makes me feel. I so hope I never do something this stupid again. What is WRONG with me?

recycle

Bubblehead, I feel for you. What you do today is more important than what you did yesterday.The good news is you have done day one before, so you know it is possible.

BTW, in most states when you get paid is not at the whim of your employer. If your state has a labor dept. I would check with them. He may end up owing you those fees.

Brucel

I would suggest reading the "Drs opinion" in the front of AA's Big Book. It kinda describes what you went thru, and answers the question "Whats wrong with me" Welcome back. God Bless

DayTrader

....and the cycle repeats. Sorry to hear it Bubble. I know it sucks.


Maybe you should consider AA. The program and the steps were the only thing I ever did that kept me sober once I crossed that invisible line.

bubblehead

I went to 2 AA meetings when I first quit. I can't handle the religion. I'm a freak. I married my first husband at age 14. He "abuses" religion and always used it as an excuse to be abusive. I was married to him (more like imprisoned by him) for 15 years. I now suffer from Post traumatic stress. Religion is one of the "triggers". Being around the religious talk sets off severe anxiety/panic. I have many Christian friends, so don't get me wrong. We just don't talk about it. Its just the 'only with god" stuff that freaks me out. I can't logically seperate it. Just hearing the words sets off a panic attack.
I enjoyed my first meeting, it made me feel less like a freak to hear others stories. The second meeting, it was all about religion. I was shaking like a leaf by the time it was over and I had to talk myself out of getting a beer. Then, also, I was a bit put off the "don't try to figure it out" thing. I NEED to figure it out. I made lists. My lists: what sets me off, what will happen if I drink, what can I do to deal wth things INSTEAD of drinking. Ecept for last night, when i feel like drinking, I read my lists instead, sometimes add to them.
I totally messed up last night, but that doesn't take away my 5 or 6 weeks of sobriety. I can do it again. I looked into SMART as an altenative to AA but the nearest meeting is 2 hours away. Sober recovery has been a great help to me, I read the forums here several times a day.

bubblehead

and I forgot to thank all of your for your responses. Thank you!

DogTrainer

Bubblehead, you can pick yourself up and start again. You have one more experience as to what can trigger you into drinking and all the bad feelings that result from that. You are now wiser. It is indeed one day at a time, but you want to be sober, and you will be!

Kerbcrawler

Bubblehead...i know all about that one night blowout, that undoes all that good you had built.. i know how totally deflated,dejected,depressed, you feel the morning after,your head in a spin and fogged out..and you wandering what the hell went wrong, and a deep sense of am i ever gonna get this thing right..a repetition of a number of big traumas,problems, situations, occuring all at once it seems......your response to this is picking up...have done this so many times in the past..i did it after 72 days,and that morning after my world of sobriety had fallen apart...but my 72 days i had, all that hard work and effort id put in,i still had, i picked myself up and quickly closed the floodgates, and rebuilt again my days of sobriety..heres me now i think 6 weeks after that one night cave in...well and truly runnin on sober,and happy and contented, dont let that one night blip take away that which you,ve worked so hard to bank,as it were,
keep that beast at bay,an show em who,s boss....wish you well..

alexvt

Right there with you, even down to my finace or whatever we are right now! Sucks I know I am here dealing with the same thing. Bad week..
Anyway know that I feel your pain.
Xo

CarolD

Regardless of anything else....

I I had to want to stay sober
more than I wanted to drink.

Hope everyone gets back on track quickly....

Dee74

I'm sorry for your troubles bubblehead but I agree with Carol - to get out of the cycle the crux for all of us is we have to want to be sober more than we want to drink.

There's no shortcut really - if we want to change our life we have to change our reactions and accept that there's nothing that a drink solves or makes better.

If you can manage that on your own, or with SR thats awesome...

if you can't...you're gonna have to either get to that SMART meeting, or maybe some form of counselling, maybe even try and tackle that PTSD.

If we keep doing the same stuff, we get nowhere.
There's so much help available - I hope you find something new to do this time

D

DayTrader

If that works then keep doing it or keep looking for something that DOES work. Keep an open mind - and yeah, I know that's not very easy for most of us.

LaFemme

Hey bubblehead...first I want to say how sorry I am for your experience with your first husband...I can't even begin to fathom what that must have been like. Considering that I think its only normal you have issues and I agree with Dee that counseling might be a good idea. Yes a lot of us made our issues worse by drinking, but getting rid of the drink doesn't make those problems go away. The absolute best person to help you with those problems is a professional therapist.

As for your slip...dust yourself off and get back in the saddle..if you learned from it its no big deal imo:-)

mwstylee

Bobblehead, I ask myself that whenever I get a horrible hangover...the ones where I cannot open your eyes without the room spinning, where I involuntarily initiate the gag reflex just by brushing my teeth, or sit there for hours trying my best not to vomit...all with the birds chirping and the sun shining bright outside...and joggers running past my house...feels like the entire universe is progressing and moving except for myself. I'm like...."why do I do this s#!& to myself over and over and over?!...this sucks!"

I've been trying to keep those horrible moments of sickness, and sights of pure pathetic mess in my head whenever I think about a drink.

keithj

I think this a very common kind of delusional thinking for people unable to gain traction in recovery. It's not particular to SR at all, and I don't mean anything negative against the site.

Day one after a relapse, and the thought occurs that SR has been a great help to you. Has it really? You say you read the forums several times a day, and yet you just drank after a few weeks.

That's the, perhaps, delusional part of it. What I'm doing might feel very good, but is it helpful at keeping me sober? Before answering that, I'd ask you to look at the fact of the recent relapse. Yes, that's true, but we tend to cling to what is comfortable, even if it's not working.

Maybe we do that because a bunch of people that are relapsing just like we are are telling us it's OK. It's warm, it's cozy, and other people tell me I'm doing great. What's not to love.

But if I'm still drinking, how great am I really doing?

FindingDawn

Hey I am sorry for the relapse and the bad week, I am having a week from Hell too...which is going to probably turn in to allot more than a week. Time to start again, maybe in a differant way, but again. I am very early in stopping so can't be much advice in that area. But I tell you, I will not let the crap in my life win, I will not start drinking again to help me forget it all. I finally know, it only makes my life worse. And my outlook on myself worse. I am gonna win the sobriety game...Best of luck to you, it sucks to relapse.

loveon2legs

Dear BH ((Big Hugs))
I know exactly where you are coming from...not too long ago, I was doing the same thing... but you know what...just because someone is hurting you...you don't have to hurt yourself....the battle is a tough one, but recovery is a beautiful thing....Keep your head up hun...we're here for you!! xo

bubblehead

Yeah I drank after over a month. One time. I don't see anywhere where anyone told me it was OK or that i was doing great. What I do see is encouragement and many people making helpful suggestions on how to not let it happen again.
These forums are helpful. Many people that post and share their experiences gives a little more insight into the same problem that I have.
I've read back over my posts and you seem to be reading into what is not there.
Furthermore, if someone relapsed and everyone instad, guilt tripped them for it, they'd probably never come back. So how exactly would YOU suggest people respond?
For every type of support there is, there are people that use it that end up relapsing. People are not perfect and it can take more than one try to get it right.
I wonder what your intention was in posting this.