UniqueNewYork

Can you guys give me some advice for dating in sobriety? I seem to fall into the same traps.. dating people who drink and smoke etc with no desire to change. I think im good looking but for some reason for every 5 phone numbers I get only 1 of the women seems to really want to hang out; the rest just didn't want to say NO to giving me their number I guess? I dunno.

TexasNative

I'm not really in a hurry to, I'm fancy free at the moment and I enjoy it. If I were to get back out there I would have zero interest in dating a drinker, that's for sure.

LaFemme

Sorry, we women are pretty much trained at an early age to be people pleaser's, so if a guy asks for our # we often give it out of politeness.

I am only in my 2nd month so not looking right now, still getting my sea legs so to speak, but I am interested in sober dating approaches for my future references. Especially if you are in NYC, this is a hard drinking town!

rws177

There is no way I could date anyone who drinks. My last g/f only drank like 2x in front of me and we were together for 9 months so that as ok....

LaFemme

I could handle someone who rarely drank, but not someone who drank regularly...I think the smell is nasty now and wouldn't want to kiss someone who smelled like booze or cig's.

lildawg

I with LaFemme and RWS. I'm married to a wonderful man, who I have no intention of leaving. He drinks a lot, though. I get tired of having to factor alcohol into nearly every aspect of our lives. If I ever find myself single, I don't think I'd want to be with someone who drinks regularly again.

tormentedmirror

A person could put a lot of things in that blank. I think it's the same for non addicts as well. As we grow older, and change, we see how we might do things differently if we had it to do over again. Not say one regrets the path they've taken, just that hind sight always seems to show a better direction or approach.

I don't think one needs to be an addict to experience the discomfort of finding the perfect mate, or even friends, for that matter.

On line dating services...you lay it all out there. Who you are, what your looking for, where you're going, and what you absolutely cannot tolerate.

There's a seat for every butt.

LaFemme

I tried online dating once, unfortu,nately people could put whatever they want, doesn't make it true:-)

pongo

I'm secure in my sobriety and don't mind dating men who drink moderately. I would be turned off by a heavy drinker and I don't go out to bars. What is slightly annoying is being asked every time if it "bothers" me for my date to have a glass or two of wine. I know he's just being polite to ask that, but it also implies that simply having a glass of wine on the table is going to trigger me. Thankfully after 13 years' sobriety that doesn't happen anymore.

What I find as a person in recovery is that I have a hard time relating to the average Joe. I am easily bored by people who are not pursuing self-actualization, who aren't on a spiritual path or who just don't give a *hit.

tormentedmirror

I've never tried online dating, but like anything else, you have to approach it with caution (as any date should be approached).

I have a very good friend who met her husband through an online dating service. They've been married for 12 years. Unfortunately, they are separated now.

Online dating isn't for everybody, but if you approach dating in general, the same way as you might approach online dating, you'll get closer to the desired result.

Me, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't. I have the love of my life. If for some reason he were gone tomorrow, I'd be perfectly happy growing old with just my friends.

LexieCat

I think it's polite for them to ask whether it will bother you, as long as they don't make a big to-do over it. Some people it MIGHT bother. And, let's face it, not everybody understands what recovery is about, so I wouldn't necessarily expect a "civilian" to know.

I'm thankful I have NO desire to date right now. I can't manage a small townhome with one recovering alcoholic and two cats with neuroses. My life is complicated enough, for someone with relatively few complications.

gratefulgirl09

My marriage fell apart because once I got sober, my husband and I realized that we didn't have much in common besides alcohol. At this point in my life, I want to be with someone who enjoys life soberly and can relate to what I have been through. Sobriety is the biggest thing in my life, and therefore, I'd want it to be an important part of whomever I date's life as well.
With that being said, if I met someone and it turned out that they drank occassionally, I might be ok with that. You know, it just depends on the person. The big turnoff for me is someone whose whole social life revolves around alcohol. I can't deal with that.

LaFemme

Hmmmm, so here's the question...how do we meet people whose lives don't revolve around alcohol?

pongo

I've met a lot of people being involved in an on-line dating site, some only in electronic format, some in real life. Probably due to my advanced age, most of those people are not heavy drinkers having given it up for health's sake. I know the dating scene for young people revolves around the bar and club. I sure don't envy you that.

Just as everything else in my life, I have turned to HP for assurance that the right person will come into my life at the right time. I can't and don't want to force myself to be interested in someone because of some false reason, like the sex is good or they have a lot of money or are good looking or whatever. I was an alcoholic when I met my ex-husband so the choices and decisions I made then were not the best. I think we should have fun, be casual and take all of our relationships very slowly.

endzoner

here a winner that wont turn you down .. Date recovery ...... its best JMO to stay single for the first yr in recovery , focus on you and work on things in your life , youll find if you start dating to early you lax on the important things and consume yourself with the person your dating . this is a dangerous place to be .
And if your going into bars to meet people , your going to get nuttin but those who drink and smoke . so try dating recovery for a while , it wont dissapoint yah ~ endzy~

tormentedmirror

By getting out of the house and doing things that don't involve alcohol. Do you have a community bulletin board you can look to for things to do in your area? Do you like photography? Join a photography club. Do you like hiking? Find a group of people who hike. Art? Cars? Bicycling?

It won't come to you. Find your niche!

zbear23

Hi Lexie.

Be careful with those neurotic cats. Neurosis is nearly as contagious as alcoholism!

Neurotic=the people who build castles in the sky.
Psychotic= the people who live in them.

blessings
zbear

RobertHugh

I've never dated anyone in AA. You people just have too many issues.

I met my wife when I stopped looking. I was trying to get comfortable with being alone, with just living life, going to meetings, etc. And we met at work. Jackie drinks moderately, but her mom was a member of the resistance (in recovery), so when I told her about my situation she was very understanding.

She was less understanding when I relapsed 11 years later. She, like me, did not understand the real nature of alcoholism and the solution. But that's a different story.

Don't confuse the need/desire for sex and the need/desire for lifelong companionship. You won't die from either, particularly the first. This is an inside job, to quote my favorite SR member, and the more you are building that strong core, that ability to be comfortable in your own skin, the more attractive you are going to be to others.

LaFemme

Great points! I don't think the question was so much about when to start dating, I think most people agree that you shouldn't get involved until you are on two solid feet. But having always dated a certain way (bars, meeting for drinks, etc) it is a new area that raises a question for those of us still single. I am not planning on dating any time soon, but when the time comes to start I'd like to already have some information on it.

For instance TM's point that I should do what I like to do is excellent. I love to ski and race sailboats, both of those sports have a very active post activity social life that usually revolves around alcohol.

UniqueNewYork

I have this on lockdown. A++ at this. What I noticed is the more I like myself, all of me, body mind soul, the less attraction I have towards alcohol. Also the women I am talking to are much more together lately.