34 days for first timer ever...Miserable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 21
34 days for first timer ever...Miserable
Hey all,
So i am telling myself that things will get worse before they get better and i do believe this but yeah, i feel really down right now and need to vent....
I am off the pink cloud. I feel so alone and crazy, like my world does not even make sense anymore. I realize how much i dislike the job i am in, how much alcohol has soaked my life for over ten years. I am 29 and i feel like a little f'in child now... I miss my ex even though i think it was not for the best, but then i do not even know anymore..Now she is moving away and i am sick with loss. Again. My mom died about 2 years ago and it is just sinking in. I saw my alcoholic father shortly for the first time in 25 years after her death then he dies a few months later. Then my dog died. I feel like alcohol is another loss. As sick as it is i feel like another relationship is lost. I am on the brink of tears throughout the day. I make little whimpering sounds when i walk by myself on the street. I play elaborate anxiety producing movies in my head and cannot stop them. I feel physically sick from grief. I have been going to intensive outpatient 6 hours a week...I started going to AA meetings at first they seemed to work then i went away for trip for a few days came back and i now feel more alone and isolated in meetings then i ever had. I got a sponsor who never seemed fully available and he is now on a trip for 3 weeks. I have an interim but have not spoke to him for a few days. I feel abandoned. I can barely make it through a day of work. I am angry and pissed and i feel myself getting closer to a drink every freakin day and i feel like i am losing my mind and that i need way more help then i am getting and i just want to cry. I drank for years and now that i stopped nothing is as it was and my world is unfamiliar and i feel alone and scared of the future.
thanks
So i am telling myself that things will get worse before they get better and i do believe this but yeah, i feel really down right now and need to vent....
I am off the pink cloud. I feel so alone and crazy, like my world does not even make sense anymore. I realize how much i dislike the job i am in, how much alcohol has soaked my life for over ten years. I am 29 and i feel like a little f'in child now... I miss my ex even though i think it was not for the best, but then i do not even know anymore..Now she is moving away and i am sick with loss. Again. My mom died about 2 years ago and it is just sinking in. I saw my alcoholic father shortly for the first time in 25 years after her death then he dies a few months later. Then my dog died. I feel like alcohol is another loss. As sick as it is i feel like another relationship is lost. I am on the brink of tears throughout the day. I make little whimpering sounds when i walk by myself on the street. I play elaborate anxiety producing movies in my head and cannot stop them. I feel physically sick from grief. I have been going to intensive outpatient 6 hours a week...I started going to AA meetings at first they seemed to work then i went away for trip for a few days came back and i now feel more alone and isolated in meetings then i ever had. I got a sponsor who never seemed fully available and he is now on a trip for 3 weeks. I have an interim but have not spoke to him for a few days. I feel abandoned. I can barely make it through a day of work. I am angry and pissed and i feel myself getting closer to a drink every freakin day and i feel like i am losing my mind and that i need way more help then i am getting and i just want to cry. I drank for years and now that i stopped nothing is as it was and my world is unfamiliar and i feel alone and scared of the future.
thanks
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi! We have the same number of days sober, so congrats for that.
What I hear a lot is that when we drink we don't pricess our emotions, so that when we sober up we are all ofba sudden cinfronted wih emotions we don't know how to deal with...this sounds like some o what you are dealin with.
But, to me, it also sounds like you are dealin with a lot more than normal sobriety stuff. A sponser is great but they aren't a trained professional, perhaps you should look into seeing a therapist to deal with all your grief? Or is that what you meant by outpatient?
Hugs, LaFemme
What I hear a lot is that when we drink we don't pricess our emotions, so that when we sober up we are all ofba sudden cinfronted wih emotions we don't know how to deal with...this sounds like some o what you are dealin with.
But, to me, it also sounds like you are dealin with a lot more than normal sobriety stuff. A sponser is great but they aren't a trained professional, perhaps you should look into seeing a therapist to deal with all your grief? Or is that what you meant by outpatient?
Hugs, LaFemme
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, skolc,
Sorry you are feeling so miserable. I think LaFemme has a good suggestion, that you make an appointment with a good counselor or therapist. You've had a lot come at you in a relatively short period of time. I'm thinking maybe a grief counselor?
Try contacting your local mental health services office, or even a hospital--lots of times they will have counselors specially trained to deal with grief.
Stick with your AA work, too. I know you feel horrible at the moment, but drinking won't help, and you will have to go through all the work again to get sober. This WILL pass, if you don't drink and get the help you need.
Many hugs,
Sorry you are feeling so miserable. I think LaFemme has a good suggestion, that you make an appointment with a good counselor or therapist. You've had a lot come at you in a relatively short period of time. I'm thinking maybe a grief counselor?
Try contacting your local mental health services office, or even a hospital--lots of times they will have counselors specially trained to deal with grief.
Stick with your AA work, too. I know you feel horrible at the moment, but drinking won't help, and you will have to go through all the work again to get sober. This WILL pass, if you don't drink and get the help you need.
Many hugs,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi skolc
Welcome back
I remember what it was like 'living sober'...it was weird unfamiliar and frightening and I felt like I had no skills at all to cope with it and little chance of developing them.
Thats why I always recommend plugging into some support, whether it be here, or AA or some other group like SMART, or counselling or whatever you can find really...it's hard enough to go this...it's near impossible to go through it alone.
But I found, with the right support, things did get better - I had to remember I'd been drinking for 20 years...it was going to take more than a few weeks to sort myself out...but we do.
Take the first step tho - whether it's to AA again or to counselling to try and come to terms with your grief, I think it's really important to act.
If we really want to change ourselves we really need to make changes
D
Welcome back
I remember what it was like 'living sober'...it was weird unfamiliar and frightening and I felt like I had no skills at all to cope with it and little chance of developing them.
Thats why I always recommend plugging into some support, whether it be here, or AA or some other group like SMART, or counselling or whatever you can find really...it's hard enough to go this...it's near impossible to go through it alone.
But I found, with the right support, things did get better - I had to remember I'd been drinking for 20 years...it was going to take more than a few weeks to sort myself out...but we do.
Take the first step tho - whether it's to AA again or to counselling to try and come to terms with your grief, I think it's really important to act.
If we really want to change ourselves we really need to make changes
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
skolc -- You really have a full plate right now, and I can't imagine being in your shoes. You are doing such a good job by not drinking.
I think you've gotten some good suggestions. You said you're in intensive outpatient treatment. Can you make an appointment through them for some one-on-one counseling? Tell them you're in crisis and need to talk to someone as soon as possible.
You can do this. Don't give up hope.
I think you've gotten some good suggestions. You said you're in intensive outpatient treatment. Can you make an appointment through them for some one-on-one counseling? Tell them you're in crisis and need to talk to someone as soon as possible.
You can do this. Don't give up hope.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Powerful stuff skolc. You mentioned AA so I hope I'm not out of line saying any of this. First off, those feelings are normal. All those things you mentioned: grief, loneliness, feelings of abandonment, fear and so on - they're indicative of our self-centered thinking trying to take us back to a drink. I'm not making light of your losses, they're traumatic events for sure, but our extremely self-centered ego likes to manipulate these losses into seemingly insurmountable disasters....smashing all hope. And when there's no hope, we might as well drink.
That pink cloud that you were on....that was the feeling of the grace of God. That's what it feels like when "we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. ....this has happened automatically. .....We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected."
That "pink cloud" isn't some bs mystical place newcomers get lucky to experience - that's the feeling of being connected to the God of your understanding. That's the feeling of that God doing for you what you can't do for yourself.
I like to look at it as if we get a taste of "the good life" early in our recovery. So now you're off the cloud --okay..... it's time to get back to it! There's plenty of room... get back on it!
How, you ask? Conscious contact with your HP. How do you get that? Well, I get it by living the steps. I realize I'm powerless over my racing thoughts (regarding losses, grief, fear of the future.....and alcohol). Since they've been removed in the past (when I was on the cloud) it's easy to realize HP has removed them before so now I'm going to consciously ask Him to continue removing them again. I'm going to work on my relationship with my HP by inventorying, discussing my shortcomings, asking for HP's healing, making amends, cleaning my side of the street, prayer/meditation and by helping others.
Come on back up on the pink cloud.....there's plennnnnnty of room for ya!
That pink cloud that you were on....that was the feeling of the grace of God. That's what it feels like when "we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. ....this has happened automatically. .....We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected."
That "pink cloud" isn't some bs mystical place newcomers get lucky to experience - that's the feeling of being connected to the God of your understanding. That's the feeling of that God doing for you what you can't do for yourself.
I like to look at it as if we get a taste of "the good life" early in our recovery. So now you're off the cloud --okay..... it's time to get back to it! There's plenty of room... get back on it!
How, you ask? Conscious contact with your HP. How do you get that? Well, I get it by living the steps. I realize I'm powerless over my racing thoughts (regarding losses, grief, fear of the future.....and alcohol). Since they've been removed in the past (when I was on the cloud) it's easy to realize HP has removed them before so now I'm going to consciously ask Him to continue removing them again. I'm going to work on my relationship with my HP by inventorying, discussing my shortcomings, asking for HP's healing, making amends, cleaning my side of the street, prayer/meditation and by helping others.
Come on back up on the pink cloud.....there's plennnnnnty of room for ya!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello there,
i liked what daytrader said.you can get abck on that pink cloud,but im afraid it dosnt happen by osmosis....you said you hadnt spoken to your interim sponsor for a few days...call them,take action.
this is a programme of action,and if we dont do it than very soon the feelings of irratabilty,restlessness and discontent will surface...and then we get to a point where it seems like a good idea to drink,we are without mental defence against it.
hope you make that call,and if they are not available then i suggest you go to a meeting and find someone who is.
im only sober today by The Grace Of God,whom i keep in close contact with,to get that relationship i work the steps to the best of my ability in all my daily affairs.
there is a whole new world out there for any of us who is willing to experience,you dont have to be feeling the way you are.
i am sorry for your losses.
i liked what daytrader said.you can get abck on that pink cloud,but im afraid it dosnt happen by osmosis....you said you hadnt spoken to your interim sponsor for a few days...call them,take action.
this is a programme of action,and if we dont do it than very soon the feelings of irratabilty,restlessness and discontent will surface...and then we get to a point where it seems like a good idea to drink,we are without mental defence against it.
hope you make that call,and if they are not available then i suggest you go to a meeting and find someone who is.
im only sober today by The Grace Of God,whom i keep in close contact with,to get that relationship i work the steps to the best of my ability in all my daily affairs.
there is a whole new world out there for any of us who is willing to experience,you dont have to be feeling the way you are.
i am sorry for your losses.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome back....
Well done on your early sobriety
Despite your losses...you remain sober...awesome!
How do I stay on the pink cloud?
Daily contact with God....AA and helping someone else.
Yes! you can stay pink forever!
Blessings
Well done on your early sobriety
Despite your losses...you remain sober...awesome!
How do I stay on the pink cloud?
Daily contact with God....AA and helping someone else.
Yes! you can stay pink forever!
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hi Skolc
I hope you come back on... I see from your join date that this has been a journey that you started about three years ago?
Going to AA meetings isn't the answer.... though it should be part of the plan, if, in fact, you want to use AA for your recovery.
Where are you in the steps? Your post sounds like where I was early on... it was after step one and before the next two... That place is very frightening and uncomfortable. It wasn't until I got into steps two and three, for real, that I began to experience anything approaching serenity and peace...
This Higher Power... My Higher Power... For me, He is not some Cecil B. DeMille movie stereotype, but He is certainly not just a doorknob.... my higher power is a simple but powerful force in within each one of us... Although I am christian and believe strongly... I also believe that everyone, regardless of religion, can access this same source of incredible power... For me, that power is very strong in some of the AA meetings I go to... and is why I believe that it's fine to use AA as a higher power if you are having trouble conceptualizing, and much more importantly, feeling it....
Keep posting.
I hope you come back on... I see from your join date that this has been a journey that you started about three years ago?
Going to AA meetings isn't the answer.... though it should be part of the plan, if, in fact, you want to use AA for your recovery.
Where are you in the steps? Your post sounds like where I was early on... it was after step one and before the next two... That place is very frightening and uncomfortable. It wasn't until I got into steps two and three, for real, that I began to experience anything approaching serenity and peace...
This Higher Power... My Higher Power... For me, He is not some Cecil B. DeMille movie stereotype, but He is certainly not just a doorknob.... my higher power is a simple but powerful force in within each one of us... Although I am christian and believe strongly... I also believe that everyone, regardless of religion, can access this same source of incredible power... For me, that power is very strong in some of the AA meetings I go to... and is why I believe that it's fine to use AA as a higher power if you are having trouble conceptualizing, and much more importantly, feeling it....
Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 84
(((skolc))) I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you. You have suffered loss after loss and of course you are having a hard time coping! That's normal. Feeling lost, feeling despair, feeling overwhelmed - all completely normal considering what you've been through.
I am not a medical authority, but I have been treated for depression after experiencing many traumatic events in a short period of time. I had similar symptoms to what you describe. I also had those critical tapes playing over and over in my mind, spelling out everything negative about me and everything horrible that was going to happen. I found it very difficult to make a decision, even when I knew I HAD to make one. I also cried daily and often had to step into the women's restroom at work so no one would see me. I would catch myself rocking back and forth when waiting in line or for the elevator. (The same kind of rocking one uses to sooth a child in arms.) My therapist and physician helped me figure out a treatment plan. I hope you get one too and I hope it works for you.
Don't give up.
I am not a medical authority, but I have been treated for depression after experiencing many traumatic events in a short period of time. I had similar symptoms to what you describe. I also had those critical tapes playing over and over in my mind, spelling out everything negative about me and everything horrible that was going to happen. I found it very difficult to make a decision, even when I knew I HAD to make one. I also cried daily and often had to step into the women's restroom at work so no one would see me. I would catch myself rocking back and forth when waiting in line or for the elevator. (The same kind of rocking one uses to sooth a child in arms.) My therapist and physician helped me figure out a treatment plan. I hope you get one too and I hope it works for you.
Don't give up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 21
Thank you all. Such support shown through all your posts.
I must admit i am feeling a bit better today then i have in the last few days. I spoke at length to a friend/coworker about my sill unresolved feelings with my ex and it certainly helped some. I then got an email from her saying she thinks it would be best if we did not see each other before she leaves ny...That pit in my stomach came right back and the anger came back and i just wanted her to know how much pain i am in and how much i miss here and to see her and i just wanted/want to call her and yell and scream and cry and curse at her but....I wont. I did go to a meeting today, a mens meeting, and i spoke about all this which felt good and a lot of what people shared resonated. Without getting into all the details of what was said i think my plan is to just once again wish her the best, let her know i said a prayer for her (cannot believe i am saying this) and tell her i hope she doe not stay stranger forever. All that other stuff id just killing me and i guess really at this point whats done is done and i cannot control or change anything. Nor should i. I feel better just writing this out.
I do see a therapist. I started going after my mom died to talk about stuff and what ended up happening is alcohol just kept coming up over and over and over (that along with my issues/uncertainty with my then GF now ex). I knew my drinking was a problem for some time before this but what i eventually saw was that i was completely unable to deal with or work through any other emotional issue while actively drinking. This led me, finally, to an intensive outpatient group and from there i started going to AA for more sober support. A process for sure. So still go to therapy but i really liked the idea of a grief counselor; although it has been a few months shy of 2 years since her passing it feels like it just happened now that i am sober.
And daytrader thank you very much for your post> While i still do not get the self centered aspect just yet the idea that the pink cloud is where we found ourselves when we stop fighting anything or anyone...Man, that clicked.
That is what i did 35 days ago for sure and i liked the place i was in at that moment. Ar least the serenity of it while it was around.
Looking back now when i got back from my trip to SLC (when all these neg feeling came back into play in a big way) i started that fight again: Not liking living in the city, what am i going to do? stay? leave? what about work? should i go back to school? what for? what if i fail? ARFGGGGHHHH!!!
Then there i am in this chaotic unstable place once again and of course when was my last sense of stability and comfort? And with whom? In a relationship with her and then i question the break up..the what ifs..was i wrong was she and then i want to fight and argue and scream and cry and....like i said. But there i go. Back in a fight. With myself it would seem. No wonder thoughts of drinking come up because that was my other stable go to escape and comfort. And it is right down the street.
So as of now, for this moment, i have ceased to fight and i feel good. Serene.
Thanks again to everyone.
I must admit i am feeling a bit better today then i have in the last few days. I spoke at length to a friend/coworker about my sill unresolved feelings with my ex and it certainly helped some. I then got an email from her saying she thinks it would be best if we did not see each other before she leaves ny...That pit in my stomach came right back and the anger came back and i just wanted her to know how much pain i am in and how much i miss here and to see her and i just wanted/want to call her and yell and scream and cry and curse at her but....I wont. I did go to a meeting today, a mens meeting, and i spoke about all this which felt good and a lot of what people shared resonated. Without getting into all the details of what was said i think my plan is to just once again wish her the best, let her know i said a prayer for her (cannot believe i am saying this) and tell her i hope she doe not stay stranger forever. All that other stuff id just killing me and i guess really at this point whats done is done and i cannot control or change anything. Nor should i. I feel better just writing this out.
I do see a therapist. I started going after my mom died to talk about stuff and what ended up happening is alcohol just kept coming up over and over and over (that along with my issues/uncertainty with my then GF now ex). I knew my drinking was a problem for some time before this but what i eventually saw was that i was completely unable to deal with or work through any other emotional issue while actively drinking. This led me, finally, to an intensive outpatient group and from there i started going to AA for more sober support. A process for sure. So still go to therapy but i really liked the idea of a grief counselor; although it has been a few months shy of 2 years since her passing it feels like it just happened now that i am sober.
And daytrader thank you very much for your post> While i still do not get the self centered aspect just yet the idea that the pink cloud is where we found ourselves when we stop fighting anything or anyone...Man, that clicked.
That is what i did 35 days ago for sure and i liked the place i was in at that moment. Ar least the serenity of it while it was around.
Looking back now when i got back from my trip to SLC (when all these neg feeling came back into play in a big way) i started that fight again: Not liking living in the city, what am i going to do? stay? leave? what about work? should i go back to school? what for? what if i fail? ARFGGGGHHHH!!!
Then there i am in this chaotic unstable place once again and of course when was my last sense of stability and comfort? And with whom? In a relationship with her and then i question the break up..the what ifs..was i wrong was she and then i want to fight and argue and scream and cry and....like i said. But there i go. Back in a fight. With myself it would seem. No wonder thoughts of drinking come up because that was my other stable go to escape and comfort. And it is right down the street.
So as of now, for this moment, i have ceased to fight and i feel good. Serene.
Thanks again to everyone.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Hey dude. Im really glad I found your post; i dont spend much time here. I am 29. I went through almost every thing you are describing.
I have been in various stages of recovery for almost 6 months. I had a stretch of 4 months sober. But I have actively tried to not drink during that time. More than that though I have tried to fix my brain. Because my brain is not right. Its not normal to drink alone and watch sad movies and cry yourself to sleep. To be afraid to grab the paper. To think that everyone hates you and you aren't worthy of being loved.
I can't solve all your problems in one post or moment. Recovery takes time and effort.
I will share with you possibly the biggest change that came over me in my recovery so far. I learned how to forgive someone, and how to accept a situation I shouldn't have to accept. I was dating someone who overdosed and I could have saved them but I didn't. I was drunk that day. And I have to live with that every day of my life. This person can barely move now, can only say a few words, and will be in a bed the rest of their life in a nursing home. She had wronged me many times in the past, and I wronged her as well. I told her recently that I forgive her for anything she did and that I will always visit her, until i die, and be her best friend. I asked her to forgive me for the things I did. And I asked God for his forgiveness. This was huge for me. I have tried to forgive myself as best I can. Most of my days are pretty happy. When I visit her she is nothing but smiles and laughter. It keeps me sane and it keeps her sane in her situation. There are still many dark days when I feel I'm destined for hell, worthless, less than zero, scum of the earth, deserve to be executed, etc.
So thats the first big thing I want to give you, from me to you, one 29 year old dude helping another 29 year old dude. Forgiveness. Acceptance. If you can accept the worst situation imaginable, and move forward, it will only get better. Her mother hugged me a few days ago and we had another moment when she was holding her hand and I was holding her other hand and I felt something is the only way I can describe it.
Oh the second thing is idle time is the devil's playground. I have always been a person who found himself obsessed with something. Some hobby, some friend, some activity. I was able to turn this to my favor by getting obsessed with going to the gym and lifting weights. When I came into AA I was very out of shape and unattractive. Lately I really like my appearance. I have abs. I am muscular. I'm lean. I can sag my trunks at the pool and it looks good. I actually want to get a steady girlfriend. That is my goal recently. So what did I do dude? I downloaded 5 self help tapes on how to talk to women. I go out a lot. I've gotten a couple numbers in the past week, danced with a girl (hadn't done this in.. like 5 years), gotten tons of compliments on my appearance or personality. But the big thing lately is I approach life with my balls out dude. Sorry for the language thats the best way I can say it. I find myself frequently saying things in my head like "you're a great guy", "go talk to that girl shes checking you out", "yo you tore it up in the gym today you're looking ripped" etc.
When you say you play movies in your head, I understand dude I really do. They told me they were going to remove life support from this girl (they didn't, she pulled through) and I replay those moments in my mind all the time when I lean in over her, tears running down my face, and I tell her "I'm so sorry". Its one of the most common things I replay when I drink. I have been able to remove some of this by going on youtube and typing in "negative thoughts" and using the techniques they talk about.
Here is one that I actually just used right now:
YouTube - How to Stop Negative Thoughts and That Little Voice In Your Head - www.freedomeducation.ca
Nice guy made me laugh a little too.
I know this advice is seeming lame to some people, but this is all stuff that worked for me. One time I was talking to an AAer about the gym and it came out that I had decided to go to the gym instead of AA that day. He laid it on me. And you know what AA is really important. AA works. If you stick with AA you will get people in your life who care about you, and you'll care about them. But it cant be just AA. You have to conquer the world on your terms. Many of my friends are bad with women. When I chat them up, and I tell them whats working for me, how I've changed so much and gotten so much better, they look at me like I have 2 heads. Like I just pulled a monkey out of my butt and it started dancing and singing. Because they have accepted their situation. They've decided "well im just not that attractive". Or "isn't it so vain to whiten your teeth and weight lift?" Whats vain about wanting to live the best quality of life possible? Some people conquer the world by kicking butt at their job for example. Or they are the best damn mom anyone could ask for. Thats their way of conquering the world. You have to figure out what works for you and go for it. Do it now while you're young, but in my opinion its never too late to be what you could have been.
I have been in various stages of recovery for almost 6 months. I had a stretch of 4 months sober. But I have actively tried to not drink during that time. More than that though I have tried to fix my brain. Because my brain is not right. Its not normal to drink alone and watch sad movies and cry yourself to sleep. To be afraid to grab the paper. To think that everyone hates you and you aren't worthy of being loved.
I can't solve all your problems in one post or moment. Recovery takes time and effort.
I will share with you possibly the biggest change that came over me in my recovery so far. I learned how to forgive someone, and how to accept a situation I shouldn't have to accept. I was dating someone who overdosed and I could have saved them but I didn't. I was drunk that day. And I have to live with that every day of my life. This person can barely move now, can only say a few words, and will be in a bed the rest of their life in a nursing home. She had wronged me many times in the past, and I wronged her as well. I told her recently that I forgive her for anything she did and that I will always visit her, until i die, and be her best friend. I asked her to forgive me for the things I did. And I asked God for his forgiveness. This was huge for me. I have tried to forgive myself as best I can. Most of my days are pretty happy. When I visit her she is nothing but smiles and laughter. It keeps me sane and it keeps her sane in her situation. There are still many dark days when I feel I'm destined for hell, worthless, less than zero, scum of the earth, deserve to be executed, etc.
So thats the first big thing I want to give you, from me to you, one 29 year old dude helping another 29 year old dude. Forgiveness. Acceptance. If you can accept the worst situation imaginable, and move forward, it will only get better. Her mother hugged me a few days ago and we had another moment when she was holding her hand and I was holding her other hand and I felt something is the only way I can describe it.
Oh the second thing is idle time is the devil's playground. I have always been a person who found himself obsessed with something. Some hobby, some friend, some activity. I was able to turn this to my favor by getting obsessed with going to the gym and lifting weights. When I came into AA I was very out of shape and unattractive. Lately I really like my appearance. I have abs. I am muscular. I'm lean. I can sag my trunks at the pool and it looks good. I actually want to get a steady girlfriend. That is my goal recently. So what did I do dude? I downloaded 5 self help tapes on how to talk to women. I go out a lot. I've gotten a couple numbers in the past week, danced with a girl (hadn't done this in.. like 5 years), gotten tons of compliments on my appearance or personality. But the big thing lately is I approach life with my balls out dude. Sorry for the language thats the best way I can say it. I find myself frequently saying things in my head like "you're a great guy", "go talk to that girl shes checking you out", "yo you tore it up in the gym today you're looking ripped" etc.
When you say you play movies in your head, I understand dude I really do. They told me they were going to remove life support from this girl (they didn't, she pulled through) and I replay those moments in my mind all the time when I lean in over her, tears running down my face, and I tell her "I'm so sorry". Its one of the most common things I replay when I drink. I have been able to remove some of this by going on youtube and typing in "negative thoughts" and using the techniques they talk about.
Here is one that I actually just used right now:
YouTube - How to Stop Negative Thoughts and That Little Voice In Your Head - www.freedomeducation.ca
Nice guy made me laugh a little too.
I know this advice is seeming lame to some people, but this is all stuff that worked for me. One time I was talking to an AAer about the gym and it came out that I had decided to go to the gym instead of AA that day. He laid it on me. And you know what AA is really important. AA works. If you stick with AA you will get people in your life who care about you, and you'll care about them. But it cant be just AA. You have to conquer the world on your terms. Many of my friends are bad with women. When I chat them up, and I tell them whats working for me, how I've changed so much and gotten so much better, they look at me like I have 2 heads. Like I just pulled a monkey out of my butt and it started dancing and singing. Because they have accepted their situation. They've decided "well im just not that attractive". Or "isn't it so vain to whiten your teeth and weight lift?" Whats vain about wanting to live the best quality of life possible? Some people conquer the world by kicking butt at their job for example. Or they are the best damn mom anyone could ask for. Thats their way of conquering the world. You have to figure out what works for you and go for it. Do it now while you're young, but in my opinion its never too late to be what you could have been.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by skolc 
i think my plan is to just once again wish her the best, let her know i said a prayer for her (cannot believe i am saying this) and tell her i hope she doe not stay stranger forever.
Originally Posted by skolc
Then there i am in this chaotic unstable place once again and of course when was my last sense of stability and comfort? And with whom? In a relationship with her and then i question the break up..the what ifs..was i wrong was she and then i want to fight and argue and scream and cry and....like i said. But there i go. Back in a fight. With myself it would seem. No wonder thoughts of drinking come up because that was my other stable go to escape and comfort. And it is right down the street.
So as of now, for this moment, i have ceased to fight and i feel good. Serene.
Thanks again to everyone.
So as of now, for this moment, i have ceased to fight and i feel good. Serene.
Thanks again to everyone.
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