TorontoGuy28

Can anyone relate to this statement in the BB ?

I certainly can.

Have been working with a therapist for over a year, and growing up with an alcoholic father that never approved of me or any of the accomplishments in life has left this alcoholic seeking approval from pretty much everyone.. Waiting for him at the window on a Friday night, fully knowing he will not show up until 3am -drunk- and carried home, followed by a verbal fight with my mother has caused me to have a PTSD according to my therapist, and she is absolutely amazing.. Even waiting for a pizza delivery causes me tremendous anxiety - she said it's because deep inside it's like waiting for my drunk father to come home fully. Crazy !

Anyway, doing better now on that front - BUT - seeking external approvals has not stopped.. That's why I am never happy, and never satisfied with what I have... It is so frustrating, 'cuz at 35, having arrived in Canada in 1989 without speaking any English I've achieved so much... My therapist actually made me write out a list of things I should be proud of, and tells me to read it often..


Not sure where I was going with this post, but I guess the not picking up the drink is the easiest party, it's all the other stuff I have to deal with on daily basis.

lildawg

What you've said makes good sense.

I grew up with verbally abusive parents. Nothing I did was ever right. It could have been better. I should have tried harder. I wasn't living up to my potential. I have come to believe that their intent was not to be abusive, but to make me achieve more. Instead, it had the opposite effect. I was afraid to try anything because I might not do well at it, and, then, I'd have to hear (even in my head) all the criticisms.

When I started drinking, I felt so much better. For the first time, I wasn't hearing all these voices in my head criticizing every breath I took. I loved being drunk because, when I was drunk, I didn't care who thought what. They could kiss me where the sun never shines!

Now that I'm sober, I have to push myself to try new things and to dream. Deep down, I am still that little girl who wasn't good enough and who was desperate for some approval. I have to work to remind myself that there are good things about me. But I still freak out when I feel the least bit criticized or not accepted by others.

Like you, I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to say I understand. Good for you for how far you've come.

shaun00

For this alcoholic sure.

My life didnt light up when i stopped ingesting alcohol......if fact life got worse.

plagued by a relentless obsession and becoming dangerously unpredictable...i had a hole in me that the wind whistled through......if i was a braver guy maybe i wouldnt be here...

what chance did i ever have.......plagued by that obsession and at times didnt have the ability to bring to mind the powerful images of the last debacle.
if they did come to mind they were fleeting and without reality.

my mind was sick......a form of insanity.

once i did drink..which always come.......i had no ability to predict when it was gonna end......no matter how much i believed i could.......i ALWAYS DRANK TO BLACKOUT..........

so i have a form of insanity............and im powerless to stop when i drink.
and if i dont drink for any length of time.....i wanna blow my head of.

so im screwed......cant drink........cant not drink.

i went to plenty of professionals to attempt to get to grips with it.......nothing did the trick............no human power had the ability to stop me drink.

i see these symptoms in the book alcoholics anonymous........that book tells me that if i do some work.........the 12 steps, i could tap into a power that could do the deal for me..........i could recover and live a contented life.

BS i thought........what a crock of nonsense.....i thought.

but like most of my "thoughts" then...i was wrong.
i work/worked through those 12 steps.........not easy but very precise instructions

i found that power.....i call him god.......and i recovered from a hopeless merry-go round..........my mind was renewed.
i didnt drink again............and life........well, life is 85% of the time just peachy.

TorontoGuy28

The 12 step program addresses some of these issues, but I truly believe that a therapist who is familiar with alcoholism/addicitions should be part of the recovery process... IMHO

Like my therapist reminds me, I am not that little scared boy at the window anymore.

24hrsAday

TG28: Good Stuff There Man! i Know Many in A.A. Who Have Benefited Greatly From Seeing a therapist.. Maybe at Some Point i Will Too! Good To Hear You are Making Progress!

shaun00

Sure therapists can be useful.
i saw a therapist for some issues other than alcoholism and found it very helpful.

murrill

My own observation is that most every alcoholic is trying to soothe old wounds and fill the holes. I used to believe that if I could ever fix those hurts that I would not drink to excess or that I would not be so "crazy" when I drank. Of course, the error in that thinking was that none of those things would get better as long as I drank. Instead they grew worse, because I kept reinforcing the old pain. I was drunk and didn't know any other way. Eventually I made a choice: I surrendered the drink, although I was terrified. I didn't know how I would live with my baggage, but I knew that I could not continue to do what I had been doing. By then I knew that the pain of continuing to drink outweighed the pain of my past.
Practicing the AA program (12 steps) did a great deal to help me to let go of resentments and anger. I sought therapy at one point in sobriety because I was facing some issues that needed professional attention. Even then, however, the steps gave me a foundation. My therapist was knowledgeable about alcoholism and the 12 steps, so we had a common language. The beauty of getting sober is that we rewire our thinking. Everytime I stop the message that an old "tape" is playing and replace it with a new one, I am contibuting to my sober thinking. The more I identify with old behaviors and pains the more likely I am to repeat them.

Iriss

I now know that I don't need approval, and that goes for not drinking too x

Supercrew

Sorry to interupt the thread, but I drank because I liked it. I have no underlying issues as to why I drank, aside from the fact that I started drinking at 15 years old, and I really had alot of fun doing it until I let it get way out of control. I drank for 27 years for fun and to hang out with my buddies. I'll admit I drank way too much way too often, but it was my choice and no one else's fault. The only time I ever had a major problem in life it was because of the alcohol, not the other way around.

In fact I can go through every point in my life where i have either had troubles with school, troubles with work, troubles with the law, troubles with finances and troubles with relationships, and they were all directly related to me drinking. So I guess I can only blame myself for my choice to drink.

RobertHugh

Do you believe alcoholism is a disease?

wren

With that question, consider the flood gates open.

LexieCat

Piling up the sandbags as we speak.

RobertHugh

Had no intention of creating an argument. I think there are probably good arguments for and against alcoholism as a disease. I know what I believe, but was curious what he/she thought based on their post.

wren

Oh, it's just that this topic seems to have been going around a lot lately, in various forms. It can be a very divisive topic, but it's a valid question for you to ask.
Sorry to interrupt...

Supercrew

Sorry I was off the board for a while. I know how my drinking problem affects me. I now understand that once I start drinking I have a physical craving for more alcohol, and I do understand that to be either an allergy or a chemical imbalance as compared to someone who is a normal drinker.

If you want to classify my problem how I describe it as a disease, then yes. The point of my post was to say drinking isn't a symptom for me, drinking is the problem. If I never took a drink, 99% of the problems that I have had the last 27 years would have never occurred. To top that off, I realized that ten years ago, but I continued to drink. I loved drinking and the reason I had a problem stopping wasn't because I have a disease, it's because I didn't want to quit, and it became part of who I was as a person. Drinking was my religion, my hobby, my best friend, and my job for a very long time, to the point that I didn't know how to have fun, or have free time, or how to socialize or how to celebrate or how to mourn without it. It was what defined me for a very long time.

Now I know alot of people who feel the same way about alcohol, but they don't have the allergy aspect that makes them crave one more beer after they had 24, and find it necessary to finish the bottle when 4 drinks would have been fine. Do these people have a disease if they drink at every event and every occasion and every bit of their free time, yet they can stop after a sixpack and call it a night if they want to?

All I know is I drank because I loved it, it was fun, and it was a habit that I learned to do over a long period of time. Quitting for me when I decided to quit for myself has been easy. I remember good times when I drank and that would be the thing that would make me think about picking up a beer now, but it's not physical for me, it is just the feeling of wanting to do what I have always done to relax and socialize and kill time. I know that even though I remember it fondly at times, that once I have 3 or 4 I will want more and I will cause more problems for myself. So that's why I quit drinking and personally I'm not sure my problem can be classified as a disease as much as being in love with something that I am allergic to.

Supercrew

Also I didn't see the question as divisive at all, but I'm not really sure why it would be asked. I was just stating that FOR ME alcohol is the problem not a symptom.

suki44883

I agree, Supercrew. So many times I hear people say they don't like the taste of beer. I LOVED the taste of beer. I didn't drink to get drunk. In fact, I hated being drunk. I just liked to drink beer. When I was a young girl, my dad used to let me take sips of beer out of his glass. I just grew up liking the taste of beer. The thing is, the more beer I drank and the longer I drank it, it did become a problem. At that point, I think I was addicted. I honestly don't know if I think alcoholism is a disease in the true sense of the word. I tend to doubt it in my own case. I can't honestly say though, in regards to anyone else.

I truly feel I have broken the addiction to the alcohol. Maybe that's why I can drink the NA brews and never crave the real thing. I'm still getting that beer flavor (once you get used to it, because, let's face it, it really doesn't taste exactly like real beer) but I don't have to worry about getting drunk.

David 1

Funny thing - I never liked beer!! A good Cabernet or Pinot Noir on the other hand ...

There is definitely a genetic component (alcoholism tends to run in families) and for the most part my life has been very good. I believe I just did not have the ability to stop drinking once I started regardless of being in a good or bad mood.

I am glad the NA beer thing works for you suki - My outpatient counselor recommended that I stay away from NA wine (potential trigger).

Dave

suki44883

I was never much of a wine drinker, but I did try the NA wine once not too long ago. I don't think they've invented a word yet that fully describes the disgustingness(?).

David 1

Yeah, I tried it - Kind of tastes like a combination of vinegar and grape juice!!