mercurial me

I am at a complete loss.

I was told back in Feb by my doc that he thought I had cirrhosis of the liver after he examined my blood test results. I got somewhat sober in June/July and had a few weeks of sobriety.

I have horrible/excruciating pain in my liver/gall bladder/kidney/pancreatic regions now everyday. Drinking dulls that pain. I know the pain is directly related to my alcohol consumption.

I'm 32. I am a high functioning alcoholic. Great job. Nice house. Beautiful fiance. Loving/enabling family.

I have reduced my drinking from my daily case+ of beer to a six pack a day. I can't even cuddle with my g/f without yelping in pain whenever she shifts in bed and nudges my abdomen region.

I remember the days when the consequences of my drinking was the shame of having puked in my g/f's garden or forgot where I left my car the night before. Now it's taking milk thistle and hoping I don't pee blood in the morning.

I've been to AA tons. I meet wonderful people there who want to help but my situation is so dire even wannabe sponsors balk at giving me their phone numbers once they hear of where I'm at.

I always present very well. I am a professional alcoholic and this thing has been with me for 14 years now.

I don't think I look all jaundiced out yet and I'm haven't been coughing up blood from my esophagus yet but whatever is going on is not good.

What do I do? I'm 32. I can't start a family if I am dead in a few years. Alcohol has always worked to control the anxiety I have had since a kid. I never got a DUI or punched someone out or smashed my car into a light pole. I always just drank to calm down. Now my body is completely falling apart from the inside out.

The only thing that has motivated me is fear. I've watching "Rain in My Heart" on youtube a hundred times and I'm right there with the doc tapping underneath my ribcage to see how the swelling is today. If anyone is reading this.....whatever your rock bottom is for quitting act on it now before it is too late as I know it is in my case.

I can't quit. If my body can't process/filter the alcohol the six-pack of beer a day I have reduced myself to consuming I am a walking corpse.

This post was in no means meant to elicit any sympathy but to motivate others to quit while their liver isn't the size of a beachball yet.

Chakra

I'm only 5 days into sobriety so by no means do I have the experience to know what to say here. I too have high anxiety and they only thing that helped me even attempt sobriety was the therapy to help me understand the whole picture. Hopefully you will get that or have your doctor point you in the direction of some solid help.

Good luck to you friend. You are far too young to give up so please don't. Thank you for sharing.

Dee74

Merc

There's always hope...you have to believe it tho.

Alcohol is not your saviour.

It's contributing to the pain way more than it may still help ease it, and I wonder how much of that 'easing' is psychosomatic?

Get a second opinion on whats going on with the pain. Be honest and open about your problem (not suggesting you haven't been)

I know people who died because they couldn't bring themselves to stop for whatever reasons...and resigned themselves to that.

I was on that train - I got off. You can too.
I found other ways to deal with my pain.

Don't throw your life away
D

MelindaFlowers

Mercurial,

I am thinking of you tonight. I have been reading your posts for a few months now and I can relate to the horrible cycle you're talking about.

Have you considered going to an inpatient rehab? I am not a doctor or therapist, but darn it, maybe this is the time? Now? Not everyone is able to do it on their own.

LexieCat

mm,

You HAVE to quit drinking. I don't get why you are claiming you "can't" in a physiological sense.

You don't have a diagnosis yet, but let's assume for argument's sake that you do have end-stage liver disease and will need a transplant. You won't even get on the list, most likely, if you are still drinking.

It might not be nearly that bad. My ex-husband went into liver/kidney failure, looked like he had been dipped in yellow food coloring, had 40 quarts of fluid (ascites) drained from his abdomen. After a few months a biopsy showed he had EARLY cirrhosis and should be fine if he never drank again. Sadly, he went back to drinking and is probably still drinking himself to death.

The point is, you must STOP.

Go back to the doctor, go into a detox and rehab. Fight for your life.

There are medications and therapies that can help with the anxiety.

It isn't too late. Do it.

Mat

Mercurial me, you and I sound quite similar. I am 31 years old, and have drank nearly every night for the last 10 years to ease my anxiety. I've never had a DUI, or any arrest for that matter. I drink alone at night to calm down.

I am no doctor, but I AM an extreme hypochondriac and know that your abdominal pain doesn't necessarily have to be a result of cirrhosis. I went to my own doctor a few months ago, and she said I should definitely get blood work done on my liver. The thing is, I couldn't get it done then, because they need you to abstain from drinking for some 4-6 weeks in order for alcoholic hepatitis/fatty liver to resolve itself(most heavy drinkers have some form of one or the other). If you don't, the results can be thrown off and things will look bad no matter what the real damage is.

-You could have pain from early cirrhosis, as Lexie said. If you stop now, you can live a full and healthy life(with some monitoring of course).
-It could be the pancreas, treatable but you need to get help and can die if you don't stop drinking.
-It could be alcoholic hepatitis, a condition that will resolve itself over time if not serious but can kill you if you keep drinking.
-Even if it is advanced cirrhosis, you can still stop drinking and get on a transplant list. In my state of Ohio you must be clean and sober for 2 months before you will be allowed on the list(yes I researched this for my own sake because I worry so much.)

The point is, you aren't dead yet and it isn't too late to fight back. When I think of the health consequences of my drinking, I try to imagine all the things I will miss out on if I die in the next few years. Seeing my son grow up, cheap 3D televisions, virtual reality, playstation 4-5-6-so on, World of Starcraft(you know they are gonna make it)... Ok, so I'm nerdy I guess, but you get the picture.

You are young, and I bet you can rebound from this whatever it is. You just have to stop drinking NOW. So do I. I'm only 5 days sober now but I plan on staying this way. Sep. 28th I go in to get the blood work done.

I sort of feel like I am talking to myself here a lot of the time. Your post was very helpful to me. You can quit.

CarolD

MM.....
I'm so sorry you have returned to drinking.
I strongly suggest you ask your doctor
about a detox/treatment center.

You need medical assistance for sure....
Plese get professional help.

Here is your 1st. post with us...look at the date

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1213473

Blessings to you and your lady

sleepie

I want you to stop drinking, so badly. I have read your posts while you were sober and they are inspirational. I feel as if I know you- you've imparted so much knowledge, and life experience. I want you to live, and to live well. You have taught me much through your posts. Please take care of yourself, you are worth it.

penny74

You will be dead very soon if you go on like this.
There are medicines that can take you through detox without to much pain and fear.
l strongly suggest you talk to your GP ASAP about that.
You choose: Be a bit uncomftable for a little while or go on and die a terrible death soon.
Wish you luck and wisedom.
And l really mean that.

LifeIs

Mercurial,

I feel for you and know exactly where you are coming from! I have HepC and I was scared to death, especially after all the pain in my right side started and I was scratching myself to death, the fatigue is totally overwhelming sometimes I do nothing all day long! I was also a highly functioning alkie, no DUIs, no wrecked cars, good job and all that goes with it.... Inside I had nothing, but that is a story for another day.

The fear of my liver failure and not being able to get on a transplant list and dying was what brought me to my knees and helped me to get sober. Ironically enough, after all the liver tests it seems that my liver isn't near as bad as I thought and I will start treatment with interferon and ribavirin in October. I haven't even started treatment yet, but just giving up the booze and my pee isn't the color of coca cola anymore!

See, I am not gonna die, that was the alcohol talking, telling me it was useless to quit as I was in liver failure and had no hope anyway. I was lying to myself and I think you are too!

Get sober, there is hope! I am rooting for you!!:ghug3

Suzie12

Hiya hun,

The doc told you back in Feb that he "thought" you had cirrhosis of the liver?
Did he find out for sure instead of thinking we are six months on from then. Maybe do some follow up tests and find out for sure, ultrasounds etc?

If not then I would certainly ask him for some definites instead of thinking and in the meantime try to stop drinking then the results will come back with a clearer picture.

I am asking this because I know when we are stressed and under pressure we tend to drink more and more to make ourselves feel temporarily better. I think you need to know if you have got cirrhosis of the liver and if so how much damage has been done, and get some proper medical help to avoid any more damage. I dont think that you can rely on your Doctors "thinking".

My Doctor scared the crap out of me last month he said that he "thought" a mole on my face was carcinoma, I panicked like hell and paid privately to get it off and it was not a carcinoma.

Obviously from your symptoms and heavy drinking it is likely that there might be some damage to your liver but I really think you need to know some definites with it.

Good luck
God bless

Chops

Brother,

I generally have very little sympathy for people, just the way I am built. But your post has rocked my world. At 30-32, the state of your health was my situation, the fluid in the abdomen, pain, pissing dark or blood, hospitalizations for pancreatitis and liver inflammation etc. so was the utter inability to put the drink down despite being totally aware of what was happening and would happen.

Then some grace came my way....

I just said a prayer for you, does not happen that often that I do that.

I just hope you can get to a doctor, get some help, some sober time, and come along with us. No frothy emotional appeals from me. Just hope some grace can come your way like it did me.

But we gotta put our hand out to that lifeline, please go see a doctor, get inpatient somewhere and dry out with the help of medical professionals who can deal with the booze withdrawal and also the associated health issues.

I have posted in your threads before, I got sober at 32 and at 34 the liver, pancreas and the rest of the insides are good to go.

I get married next month and we will start on the family shortly there after.

Sasha4

Where's your fight gone mate?

You sound like you have given up.

You must have fought hard to get a good job, nice home, loving girlfriend. Why can you not fight to save your life?
You must have worked hard to get those things - why not work hard to stop drinking so you can wake up feeling amazing and be free of anxiety and worry.

You are a professional drinker - but NOT a professional doctor.
Stay of medical internet sites, don't google painful abdomen etc etc and get a correct medical diagnosis in a face to face environment from a professional doctor.

Maybe it is bad, but maybe it's not. You might have spent three years of your life worrying about a failing liver when it could be something else unrelated.

You are putting two and two together and getting five.


I think it's your mind that's given up, not your body.


Wishing you well

xx

Kerbcrawler

Hey mercurial, i read your post, and have to chip in here, you got everything going for you, still young an all, i have experienced a lot of pain in that region, and i knew it was not good, after over ten,12 yrs of drinking everyday, and i knew time to stop, if i dont want irrepairable damage, worse death, it was a huge motivator,and kick up the backside, to remind me also how much i wanna live,i had the swollen liver, well over 3 months in, and nearly all that pain discomfort gone, eating healthy, excercising, living a better life drink free, trying to repair the longterm damage..if i can? it took a lot of weeks after stopping for the pain to go there, you need to stop now, before you reach the point of no return, you have everything to live for, thats nonesense to suggest drinking helps you cope and deal with stress...the only thing it does is for a very short while takes it out of the equation, numbs and shutts it off very short term, then rest assured it comes back next day, with a vengance and hangover, then you repeat the same old, over and over, whilst damaging yourself more and more, you need to stop,it will only get so much worse, you can do it, i was like that too, and now am choosing life, you can too, best of luck...

zbear23

This is IMO such an important point. One characteristic of my alcoholism was denial..and not just of the drinking problem, but in terms of "magical thinking," that a problem either isn't so bad or will just disappear. I could think myself the one in a million who might be able to drink in safety. The one who, against all odds, could survive what the fatality of this illness virtually guarantees. Combined with the self pity of hopelessness, I could have ignored the medical issues and just resigned myself to die. That's certainly the softer easier way out of the pain.

When I was spending all my money on drugs and drinks, it was virtually impossible to understand my checkbook....I didn't want to see the truth of how much money I was wasting. It would be just like me to never check back with the doctor to get a definitive diagnoses on my liver, etc, because "what I don't know won't hurt me." Such an alcoholic, fearful way to think.

And I agree that regardless of any medical followup...it's probably time for a comprehensive inpatient rehab treatment. Seems to me that hospitalization would be awfully prudent at this point.

blessings
zenbear

GettingStronger2

Hi there. Hope you are feeling okay today. I just wanted to chime in and reinterate what others have said. . .I think you should seriously consider heading to an inpatient rehab ASAP. There are so many available. It is not only your life and health being affected, there are others such as your girlfriend.

From what you have described, you should not even consider going through detox without medical care, and I think you are exactly the person who could benefit the most from inpatient intensive treatment. You are young, but your health is being seriously compromised, and in addition, you recognize your problem, but cannot do it on your own (who can, really?).

Please look into it. I know SR has links to various programs, and you can also search for one that meets your needs. The book "Under the Influence" has a great chapter dedicated to finding a treatment program.

hollybear

thank you so much for sharing your story. and your honesty. you're not alone!! Remember your family, and don't give up. They deserve a healthy husband/father, and only you can give that to them. You're life is so important to them.

Thank you for suggesting "Rain In My Head". I have never heard of it before, what a great documentary.

littlefish

Well, may I suggest that you treat yourself like you have a disease. If your doc told you back in February that you might have cancer, would you have waited this long to make another appointment and monitor your condition?

May I also suggest that you just take a few simple steps.

Call your doctor immedietely and make an appointment. Waiting this long, since February, since learning of your condition, is playing Russian roulette. Maybe you think you want to play that game, but consider the fact that if you do begin the work of getting and staying sober, you may look back on the decision to play this game of chance with death as something you would never do.

Consider medically assisted detox, and look for treatment: the suggestion of inpatient might be the best way to start.

Consider using a program, it can be going back to AA or a non-faith based program, but a program might give you some structure and support that is lacking in your daily life.

I am just repeating what most of the other posters have said. All I can add is that taking simple steps can really get you started on recovery. I hope you pick up the phone and start the process.
As some wise people here have said: recovery is a journey, not an event. Maybe you won't get sober overnight, maybe you will have months of struggle, maybe you will be in and out of your program with relapsing and defeat, but with victory and progress as well. Despite the inconvenience these changes may make in your life, isn't that better than surrendering to alcohol?

Boleo

Now is the time to look into rehab. Preferably a long-term program like some of the Christian based programs have to offer where you can stay up to a year.

Sudz No More

I'm pulling for you Merc. Please consider going to a "lock down" rehab as soon as possible. Something where they make you sign that your ass is theirs for the duration of your detox and then help guide you daily to an alcohol free life. You need a program like this now Buddy, before you regret that you didn't try.

I hope for the best outcome in your fight.