To do or not to do?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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To do or not to do?
Advice needed from anyone interested in giving input.
Getting sober right now is easy. I am out of state for work until approx October (or hopefully sooner!) so I am pretty isolated here. I am using my company's EAP program and Short Term benefits for time off and therapy. I look forward to returning to Florida and rejoining my life, but without alcohol. I plan to pick up therapy again, start attending meetings, and make stronger connections with friends who are already sober.
On the flip side, I have many many friends who are very close. We are all either somewhat away from family in the area, or detached from family. We all have a drinking problem. Some worse than others. Aside from that, we support each other emotionally, spend holidays together often, attend special events that one or the other might be involved in, ect. We do spend time together NOT drinking so it goes much deeper than drinking buddies. I have no doubt they will be supportive of my decision. Realistically, I have prepared myself that I might not be invited to many things that the group plans. I am also solidly prepared that I may lose them.
The Question: How do I "announce" to them my serious decision to sober for life? I have thought of calling a "family meeting" (there are approx 15 of us) not to ask for support but to drive home the fact that I don't want to drink anymore and ask them to respect that. I might possibly explain the facts of the disease so they further understand. Is this a good idea? Or is it something I just keep personal? I don't want anyone to be hurt of offended in any situation when I react like they may not expect.
Questions-Comments-Advice are WELCOME!
Getting sober right now is easy. I am out of state for work until approx October (or hopefully sooner!) so I am pretty isolated here. I am using my company's EAP program and Short Term benefits for time off and therapy. I look forward to returning to Florida and rejoining my life, but without alcohol. I plan to pick up therapy again, start attending meetings, and make stronger connections with friends who are already sober.
On the flip side, I have many many friends who are very close. We are all either somewhat away from family in the area, or detached from family. We all have a drinking problem. Some worse than others. Aside from that, we support each other emotionally, spend holidays together often, attend special events that one or the other might be involved in, ect. We do spend time together NOT drinking so it goes much deeper than drinking buddies. I have no doubt they will be supportive of my decision. Realistically, I have prepared myself that I might not be invited to many things that the group plans. I am also solidly prepared that I may lose them.
The Question: How do I "announce" to them my serious decision to sober for life? I have thought of calling a "family meeting" (there are approx 15 of us) not to ask for support but to drive home the fact that I don't want to drink anymore and ask them to respect that. I might possibly explain the facts of the disease so they further understand. Is this a good idea? Or is it something I just keep personal? I don't want anyone to be hurt of offended in any situation when I react like they may not expect.
Questions-Comments-Advice are WELCOME!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
Man, I don't know.
I would be very tempted to call a family meeting and announce your intentions to the group. That is, if you think the group will respond supportively and kindly to you.
Announcing your intentions might head off any uncomfortable situations in which the old, drunk you gets invited to [fill in the blank]. It would definitely indicate you're pretty serious about this. When you make an announcement like that, it's either stay quit or risk the humiliation of failure.
The ones who no longer want to be your friend will call less and less. Your newfound way of life might inspire some of the others to follow in your footsteps.
I hate to give you any, "You should . . ." advice, though. This is just so far from what my situation was that I'm afraid I'll lead you down the wrong path.
Here's a technique I use when I'm trying to decide something like this: I take out a notebook and make one page for negative consequences of an action. In the same notebook, I dedicate a separate page to positive consequences of that same action. Writing out my fears and hopes helps me think about what I really want out of a situation. That usually helps me decide if I'm doing the right thing.
I would be very tempted to call a family meeting and announce your intentions to the group. That is, if you think the group will respond supportively and kindly to you.
Announcing your intentions might head off any uncomfortable situations in which the old, drunk you gets invited to [fill in the blank]. It would definitely indicate you're pretty serious about this. When you make an announcement like that, it's either stay quit or risk the humiliation of failure.
The ones who no longer want to be your friend will call less and less. Your newfound way of life might inspire some of the others to follow in your footsteps.
I hate to give you any, "You should . . ." advice, though. This is just so far from what my situation was that I'm afraid I'll lead you down the wrong path.
Here's a technique I use when I'm trying to decide something like this: I take out a notebook and make one page for negative consequences of an action. In the same notebook, I dedicate a separate page to positive consequences of that same action. Writing out my fears and hopes helps me think about what I really want out of a situation. That usually helps me decide if I'm doing the right thing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I agree with Lildawg. It could go either way.
One other option is to just talk to the two or three people you're the closest to. Might make it a little bit less of a big deal than calling a whole big meeting, having people think maybe you're announcing you have six months to live or something. Seriously, I could see people panicking a little over something like that.
You could explain it VERY thoroughly to them, and ask if they would kinda spread the word to the others. It maybe puts a little less pressure on people in terms of how they react, initially, to the news. But it would accomplish the same thing, which is to let your gang know where you're at.
You could also explain to the confidants that you don't want to spoil anyone's good time, but that you hope they will understand if you sometimes want to bow out of a particular activity that revolves around drinking. You can assure them that you don't expect them to change their behavior on your account, and that you still want to remain friends.
Just another idea...
One other option is to just talk to the two or three people you're the closest to. Might make it a little bit less of a big deal than calling a whole big meeting, having people think maybe you're announcing you have six months to live or something. Seriously, I could see people panicking a little over something like that.
You could explain it VERY thoroughly to them, and ask if they would kinda spread the word to the others. It maybe puts a little less pressure on people in terms of how they react, initially, to the news. But it would accomplish the same thing, which is to let your gang know where you're at.
You could also explain to the confidants that you don't want to spoil anyone's good time, but that you hope they will understand if you sometimes want to bow out of a particular activity that revolves around drinking. You can assure them that you don't expect them to change their behavior on your account, and that you still want to remain friends.
Just another idea...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I like Lexies idea. I have read a number o incidents here that weren't favorable to thisvkind of announcement. So far I have only mentioned my not drinking to friends I its come up (them offering a drink). Since I was always the big drinker of the group there is usually a question, whih I have been answering along the lines o I just don't want o drink anymore. Whih has worked for me.
What I've seen in others posts here, is that most non-alcoholics don't really "get" it and will offer you drinks with, "oh just one wo t hurt you" or "youve been good for eo long I'm sure the occasuonal drink won't hurt."
Even my Dad when he told me he thought I drank to much, and when I said I should probably quit, he was like....no, no, no, just cut back, everyhing in moderation.
What I've seen in others posts here, is that most non-alcoholics don't really "get" it and will offer you drinks with, "oh just one wo t hurt you" or "youve been good for eo long I'm sure the occasuonal drink won't hurt."
Even my Dad when he told me he thought I drank to much, and when I said I should probably quit, he was like....no, no, no, just cut back, everyhing in moderation.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Since you're asking for input, I think keeping it as low key as possible is the welcoming humble sober path to walk when we tell our loved ones we have had enough of drinking and whatever. I hear you saying you wouldn't gather them for support, but of course they will feel obligated on the spot to respond, and they may be unprepared to offer their best in a called gathering. Informing them what the gathering is before the actual get together could also have them searching themselves for the proper response.
Close knit groups usually have an internal grapevine or backroads communication thing going on. I suggest you personally tell the well connected members of your friends and have the word get around. Things have a way of working themselves out between people who are devoted in friendships and family values. That is what has been my experience.
When we stop drinking, we have just begun the many changes required to actually live the good sober life. Its a journey very few of us can ever do alone, and certainly none of us with any sanity want to do alone. But change we will when we put down that party drink or that friendship drink or that feel good drink. Allow your friends to discover in their own good time what a great person you still are with them without drinking. And let them get a chance to understand that their continued social drinking is not a problem for you.
It's awesome you have friends. Take care of those friendships.
Best Wishes!
RobbyRobot
Close knit groups usually have an internal grapevine or backroads communication thing going on. I suggest you personally tell the well connected members of your friends and have the word get around. Things have a way of working themselves out between people who are devoted in friendships and family values. That is what has been my experience.
When we stop drinking, we have just begun the many changes required to actually live the good sober life. Its a journey very few of us can ever do alone, and certainly none of us with any sanity want to do alone. But change we will when we put down that party drink or that friendship drink or that feel good drink. Allow your friends to discover in their own good time what a great person you still are with them without drinking. And let them get a chance to understand that their continued social drinking is not a problem for you.
It's awesome you have friends. Take care of those friendships.
Best Wishes!
RobbyRobot
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I made the announcement to to my brother and my parents before I got sober, either a year or 2 years ago, and they questioned my motives and then were no help at all. In fact my brother popped a beer for me the next day. You say they all have drinking problems of their own, yet they still drink, so you are basically judging them, and I know we all like to think everyone is in our same boat, most most people, even heavy drinkers, don't want to think they have a problem with alcohol.
I think as much as you want support from these people, the only person you have to work on is you. Plus as much as you think these people might be willing to help you and look out for you, many people like to watch other people fail, because it makes them feel better about themselves. You can do what you like, but in my opinion, this is a personal issue and you can't expect other people.....especially other drinkers to help you with your quest for sobriety. Even now if I tell a previous drinking buddy that I quit, they still like to tell me that I don't have a problem, I'm just like everyone else, then I have to explain why I am different, and many still don't see it, or I am forced to let some skeleton out of the closet to let them know why I am different, then they will always look at me differently.
In my opinion, keep it to yourself, and use the support of SR or AA, because as close as you might be to these people you can't expect them to understand your problem and you can't expect them to babysit you to keep you honest and sober.
I think as much as you want support from these people, the only person you have to work on is you. Plus as much as you think these people might be willing to help you and look out for you, many people like to watch other people fail, because it makes them feel better about themselves. You can do what you like, but in my opinion, this is a personal issue and you can't expect other people.....especially other drinkers to help you with your quest for sobriety. Even now if I tell a previous drinking buddy that I quit, they still like to tell me that I don't have a problem, I'm just like everyone else, then I have to explain why I am different, and many still don't see it, or I am forced to let some skeleton out of the closet to let them know why I am different, then they will always look at me differently.
In my opinion, keep it to yourself, and use the support of SR or AA, because as close as you might be to these people you can't expect them to understand your problem and you can't expect them to babysit you to keep you honest and sober.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Originally Posted by Supercrew 
Plus as much as you think these people might be willing to help you and look out for you, many people like to watch other people fail, because it makes them feel better about themselves.
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I reread your post and you said you aren't asking for support, yet you want them to respect your decision. I also did a ton on things with my buddies that we didn't always drink at, like work, and sometimes working out etc. Is there someone that would not respect you if you turned down a drink now?
When I first got sober for a year, because I had to, I was still invited out with the guys, and they knew that I could not drink, they didn't seem to mind, until I became judgemental of them drinking. Just a thought, because you stated that they all are problem drinkers.....even though many of them might not see themselves as such.
I'm not faulting your idea, because it seemed like a good idea to me previously, I'm just letting you know that it didn't work as I had planned, and I felt even more stupid and depressed when I got no help, and they saw me fail.
When I first got sober for a year, because I had to, I was still invited out with the guys, and they knew that I could not drink, they didn't seem to mind, until I became judgemental of them drinking. Just a thought, because you stated that they all are problem drinkers.....even though many of them might not see themselves as such.
I'm not faulting your idea, because it seemed like a good idea to me previously, I'm just letting you know that it didn't work as I had planned, and I felt even more stupid and depressed when I got no help, and they saw me fail.
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Supercrew-My first response to you after I read your reply wasn't very nice because it seemed you had not read my post but read into it. Again if you re-read I said WE all have a drinking problem. I know what I witnessed with shot after shot of Jager on top of countless beers on a regular basis and the life issues that come with it. Thank you for recognizing I want respect for my decision and not expecting support. I am not looking for a babysitter at all. I know this is my journey and I don't want them to "help" me. I want them to KNOW what is going on so if I do go to an event where there is drinking, it won't be a big production in public and end up having to explain myself there. Believe it or not, when I tried to get sober a few years ago, it was my sober friends that did the most damage to my sobriety by harping on it constantly, calling me arrogant because I felt good about it and was excited about it, telling me it wouldn't work because I had not hit rock bottom yet, ect. All of this leads me to believe that we all have a different way that works for us. I am merely trying to figure out the best way to re-enter my regular life without alcohol where my friendships are concerned. I am not here to preach to them or judge them or hurt them in anyway. I'm just trying to take care of me and like Robby said, take care of my friendships. 
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I didn't mean any disrespect, although I could see how my reply might have sounded preachy. I just thought when I wanted to become sober that, "wouldn't it be nice if I had people who I was close to be able to steer me away from the booze when we were in a drinking situation and they all knew what I was trying to accomplish. Then I wouldn't have to turn down the Yaegar Bomb, and the shots of tequila being passed around, because everyone would know not to buy one for me in the first place. If I addressed them all at the same time I would only have to do it once, and they would all say, "man that is a great idea!, we won't make you uncomfortable about it." I'm just letting you know what transpired when I tried that route and looked for respect from others about MY decision to quit drinking.
I mean it would be much easier to tell all of your drinking friends, "I'm not drinking ever again, please help me with that". And have them invite you everywhere to be the designated driver, to ask others not to offer you booze, and to basically be a good friend and help you with your decision. If we could all get that respect and support from our friends and family I think it would be alot easier for most of us to quit. I'm am just telling you my experience with that idea, and how it made me feel after the fact. Yes there are people who will help you, (my wife will always steer me clear and ask me if I am OK with attending an event and let others know or even order a diet coke for me.), but if you think 15 of your friends will all react positively towards your announcement and be willing to respect it, you have some of the greatest most respectful friends around. Like I said, this isn't a shot at you, it was from my own personal experience. If you do decide to make the annoucement I do wish you luck and I hope you have friends and family who take it much more serious than mine did.
You did also ask "for advice from anyone interested in giving input", and that is my input. Again, no offense was meant.
I'm just letting you know what transpired when I tried that route and looked for respect from others about MY decision to quit drinking.I mean it would be much easier to tell all of your drinking friends, "I'm not drinking ever again, please help me with that". And have them invite you everywhere to be the designated driver, to ask others not to offer you booze, and to basically be a good friend and help you with your decision. If we could all get that respect and support from our friends and family I think it would be alot easier for most of us to quit. I'm am just telling you my experience with that idea, and how it made me feel after the fact. Yes there are people who will help you, (my wife will always steer me clear and ask me if I am OK with attending an event and let others know or even order a diet coke for me.), but if you think 15 of your friends will all react positively towards your announcement and be willing to respect it, you have some of the greatest most respectful friends around. Like I said, this isn't a shot at you, it was from my own personal experience. If you do decide to make the annoucement I do wish you luck and I hope you have friends and family who take it much more serious than mine did.
You did also ask "for advice from anyone interested in giving input", and that is my input. Again, no offense was meant.
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Thank you Supercrew! Ya, the first one did sound preachy but now I understand it was your experience and not really directed at me coupled with huge misunderstanding.
I am not sure which route to too take still. Everyone who replied has some great points to consider. The first time I attempted sobriety, the drinking friends were pretty supportive in keeping from trying to tempt me or making me feel like a jackass for my decision. My failing was my own doing because my vision for sobriety was clouded by woe is me and my personal issues had not been addressed. This time, I am excited about a new life, my family's verbal abuse and my PTSD is being attacked through therapy and I am much more inspired than before. I have left my guilt and my shame behind and am ready to charge forward like the bad ass I am.
I do thank you for your input. Even though I wanted to kick your ass (j/k) after the first post, the second one was taken much much more peacefully. haha
I want to wish you luck as well and congratulate you on the support of your wife. That is a wonderful thing to have and she sounds like a very considerate lady. I love San Diego! Sounds like you two have a great thing going!!
I am not sure which route to too take still. Everyone who replied has some great points to consider. The first time I attempted sobriety, the drinking friends were pretty supportive in keeping from trying to tempt me or making me feel like a jackass for my decision. My failing was my own doing because my vision for sobriety was clouded by woe is me and my personal issues had not been addressed. This time, I am excited about a new life, my family's verbal abuse and my PTSD is being attacked through therapy and I am much more inspired than before. I have left my guilt and my shame behind and am ready to charge forward like the bad ass I am.
I do thank you for your input. Even though I wanted to kick your ass (j/k) after the first post, the second one was taken much much more peacefully. haha
I want to wish you luck as well and congratulate you on the support of your wife. That is a wonderful thing to have and she sounds like a very considerate lady. I love San Diego! Sounds like you two have a great thing going!!
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