sylvia1985

Hello. I am struggling right now and would love some input.

My alcohol use progressively worsened over the years, the last six months of which was a horrific cycle of anxiety, depression, and alcohol abuse. When I drank, I became lethargic, despondent, and hated myself more and more. I was not a belligerent drunk, just an extraordinarily sad one.

Over the last six months, I was secretive about my drinking and isolated myself. My fiance (now ex-fiance) watched my deterioration, although I often hid my drinking well. Our relationship obviously suffered as a result of my alcoholism. He finally moved out after he couldn't take it anymore.

I went to treatment and have been in recovery for several months. Physically, I feel great and my thinking is clearer and clearer every day.

The problem is that I cannot stop beating myself up about losing him. I truly think he was probably the love of my life. Now that I'm sober, I cannot believe that I let myself become such a mess. My now ex-fiance has expressed that he thinks that my active alcoholism was a choice. Looking back, I feel like I was completely out of control and that the disease had taken over. Like a lot of people, I tried to deal with it on my own, but it was too much for me to handle. And after treatment and understanding the brain chemistry involved, I understand why I couldn't stop, no matter how much I wanted to become sober.

How can I move forward? I want to forgive myself, but I also know that I put him through hell, and I miss him terribly. The fact that he thinks that I would've chosen this makes it so much harder. It feels awful that I am in recovery and feeling better in so many ways, but that I still have to live without him and sit in my regrets about our relationship ending.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Dee74

Hi Sylvia
Welcome

I'm sorry for your situation. I know what it's like to lose a partner over your alcoholism - it happened to me twice if I'm honest about it.

Looking back now I know that whatever my good points might be, I was certainly not good for my two partners back then.

I lied, I did things in secret, I was selfish, I neglected them. I was in love with alcohol more than I was them.

Quite rightly they moved on...and so should I.
I'm a different person now.

I've made amends with one, and we;re firm friends - but I've lost the other.

I've done all I can to try and atone for all that I did.
Now I have to draw a line in the sand, and look to the future.

I kinda figure we end up where we're meant to be - I have the most loving partner in the world now and she knows me - the real me, flaws and all - and likes it.

I had to go through what I did to get here, I guess.

I hope you can find happiness too
D

Supercrew

I know previously when I was having relationship problems with my wife because of my drinking, I would not have an explanation as to why I drank the way I did, I just apologized and told her it would never happen again....until the next time I drank of course. She has stuck with me for over 20 years, but now with the information that I have learned about my alcohol problem she is starting to understand that although picking up the first drink was my decision, after that I really had no control over my drinking after that.

It is funny how she now understands why I have been such a normal, reasonable, intelligent, good person when sober, and such a bad drinker. The science makes sense. If you really want this person back, and they are willing to sit and listen to you explain the scientific aspects of your drinking problem, they might be able to take a different view of you as a person with a very real physical defect as opposed to a nutty emotional problem drinker. I don't know whether it would work, but if you want something bad enough it might be worth a try.

wren

Sylvia,

I've lost hold of relationships that I thought would be lasting (i.e. marriage).
So I completely empathize with you.

The only comfort I'm able to give myself is to tell myself that I'll never let alcohol effect a relationship again. Maybe that's too tall of an order-- but I don't want to be an active addict in a relationship ever again.


If you continue to do well in recovery, who knows what will happen between the two of you.

LexieCat

Sorry you are feeling so bad, Sylvia,

It's sad that you lost your relationship. Maybe the time will come when you can make amends for the harm that your drinking did.

Sometimes things can never be made right again. For me, when I had to leave a husband who had gone back to drinking after almost dying of this disease, a point came when I was simply "done." I still cared very much for this man, but a switch had been thrown inside, and even if he had gotten well (which I still hope happens for him someday), I could not have gone back.

Take care of your own recovery. It could be that he will come back, but you have to be prepared for the likelihood that he won't. If he doesn't, you will find someone else to share your life when the time is right.

DayWalker

Holy crap Dee....Did I write that? lol...now I know why I relate to your posts so much. That could be me man sounds like my life lol.

sylvia- Like Dee said above, I've been there myself, twice where I felt like I lost the "love of my life". Did I lose the real love of my life? I dunno....who can say, maybe I did but most likely I didn't. I think I just lost the love that "fit" my life best at that time and that's why it felt bad losing them.

Keep yourself on the right road, enjoy life, and next thing you know out of no where I would beat you meet someone that 30 yrs from now you call the "true love of your life".

Steve

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community.....
I'm glad you are here

It's my experience that all loves are not forever.
As I grew as a woman...I put away those lost
lovers with gratitude and warm memories....

Sure....it's difficult to see old dreams die
but that leaves room for new experiences.

I don't agree with the concept of a single soul mate forever.
I've been in love too well and too often to
follow that line of thingking.

As I matured....my choice in men changed.
You might find that true for you as well.

All my best as your healing continues.

penny74

l did some terrible things as well and destroyed relationships beyond repair.
But people keep telling me that it has no use looking back.
What has happened has happened.
Wish you the strength you need.
And there is always hope !!

The Buddha said, “Whoever has done harmful actions but later covers them up with good is like the moon which, freed from clouds, lights up the world.”

julienP

Hi,

do you have the impression too, that beside the relationships, also all the job opportunities in the future have vanished and have become now impossible ?

lildawg

Sylvia,

I think everyone here can tell you a scary story about some of the stuff they did when they were drunk. They can tell about the people they hurt, people who will never forgive them. They can tell you about things they lost, things they'll never get back.

The thing is, as you go through the journey of getting sober, you'll learn so much about yourself. It's hard, but you'll come to accept the things you did as a drunk. You might even learn to laugh about them--I'm slowly getting there.

I think the kind folks here have offered you some good insight about your broken relationship. I'll add a couple more thoughts. Get yourself together before you go chasing after this man you've hurt with your drinking. Right now, your mind is sort of broken. You need to fix it before you try to make amends with this man.

Also, as others have said, by the time you do get yourself back together, you might not want to do more than apologize to this man and move on with your life. If you want to be in romantic love with another person, you'll find that whether this particular man returns to you or not. Besides that, he probably needs time to think over how this experience affected him and what he wants to take away from it.

Take care of yourself and don't get too upset about the things you can't change.