girl1234

I feel kinda stupid really. Everyone thinks I havent tried. But i have, but i cant stop drinking. I truly am an alcoholic. Havent stop marijuana either, but drinking is my first priority. Thinking bout my little boy makes so angry at myself. I dont deserve him, he is the most precious thing in the world. But mama needs to sort her sh*t out first. So i should be on day 10, but iv drank twice since then. Lastnight included. I made such a fool out of myself. My bf hates me, I was apprently flirting with a guy. I swear I would never do it if I was sober, its not me, I am a completely different person when i drink. Its seems all the anger i hold inside just comes out. I hate it, I hate myslef. My whole family all saw it too. I feel like dying right now. I know the problem is boredom. I stay at home with my little boy and am doing designing and decorating studies from home, i dont go anywhere. My bf is my rock, he has put up with so much of my crap its not funny. I love him so much & dont want to lose him. Im scared if I dont sort myself he WILL leave, and I couldn't blame a thing on him. I'm seeking so hard for that motivation, willpower and strength, God knows how much I want it. Right now at this moment my life doesnt feel worth living.

Harry01854

Don't give up Girl, you can do this just for today. Reading this forum, there are many here just like us that are doing it. Have you tried going to AA? Think about it. You'll find a lot of people there also that care and want to help. Going to meetings will get you out and associating with people just like you. Just try it, you may just like it.

Keep coming here too, people here care, are supportive and want to help.

Keep coming and keep trying.

Oh, forget the pot too, won't help and it's about staying off everything that is mind altering.

Harry

girl1234

Thanks heaps harry. Really appreciate. well in new zealnad aa meeting arent a big thing, and i know i would never go, i dont like corwds and talking to strangers, its really not my thing. I just need motivation. Yeah i like it here, only place i dont feel judged. Its good to know im not the only one.

girl1234

Why is it when im sober i feel like i cant socialise with anyone? If i was at a party sober, i would probably leave. I had a nice comment today that someone said its like i want to drink, bit i dont want to drink, i dont want to drink, but i really do want to drink. Makes alot of sense to me. Its how i feel. The cravings are so bad. My little boy stays with my mother most of the time because I'm the worlds worst mother and is usually too hungover to get him ready for daycare. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY! I want my life back and my baby i want nothing more than to be a grat mama to him.

Harry01854

Well, your not alone there either. I drank to give me false courage to be able to socialize with other people, to belong and fit in. I drank for the false courage to be able to talk with a woman who I thought wouldn't even give me a second look. I drank because I had hundreds of fears, and didn't want anyone to see just how much of a scared person I actually was.

You can get your life back and you can be the mother you want to be. The one thing that is in your way is the alcohol. Alcohol takes away all the good we would rather be. We are all good people.

Trust in yourself...believe in yourself. Most of all, believe in us here to support you and help you.

Keep coming back. You deserve everything you want that is good.

Harry

SlvrMag

Welcome to SR girl1234! You have found a great place to chat with people who know what you are going through. Look around here and read everything!


One thing that struck me was this:





If you really want to change your life, this won't matter. Sounds like drinking really isn't your thing either, right? If not, do EVERYTHING you can to stop and stay stopped, even if it means crowds and strangers!

There is hope, but you have to want it more than anything in the world =)

Sugah

Actually, there's a lot of AA in New Zealand.

New Zealand AA

And whether or not you like crowds or strangers, if you want to quit drinking bad enough, you'll eventually have to try something. Where do you think you'll find the "motivation?" If you've drank twice in ten days, it's not really a relapse -- you've just had brief interludes between drunks.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Dee74

NZ is actually pretty well served with resources Girl...if you want to make changes there's lots of avenues for support...here's some links

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2273689

D

CarolD

Girl ....Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum

Recovery1983

You aren't alone on the Jeykl and Hyde personality. I did that too while I was under the influence of alcohol. I would have to piece together of what happened the night before and I would be ashamed and embarrassed to realize what I had done. None of the things that I did were of any relation to the sober me but how do you deny it when everyone witnesses you doing it? The shame and embarrassment is already enough but then you have to make things "right" and sometimes that isnt even possible. The mind blowing part is that, as an alcoholic, I kept doing it over and over. The vicious cycle continued and my apologies and sorry's lost all credibility. Things had to change and I mean drastic changes. I tried changing just a little, especially the changes that I felt fit to my lifestyle but I quickly realized that that did not work either. Here I am today with over 5 months sober and still working one day at a time. This will forever be part of my daily routine otherwise, I'll end up right back where I was.

Wilde10

Welcome Girl!

endzoner

Im kinda curious on one thing , you said. 1 you were flirting .. and 2, your family seen this all .. so question is .. was this at a party ? or a bar ... now if you got drunk in the presence of family did they have booze there and if they support you why would they have it there to temp you . and if this was at say a bar .. why would you go in there > you had to be sober to walk in there , or not ..
If you really want recovery .. what lenghts are you willing to go to do so .. you say your tired of being a bad person .. stop kickin your self down and use that energy tords something like makin a meeting and giving it half the chance you give to drinkin , Many dont like talkin to others thats isolation and like you said you dont go any wheres .. well a meeting is your chance to be someplace and be around those like minded people who understand what its like . you mite really find you enjoy the meetings .. its full of support and wonderful people like your self who only have one desire .. thats to stay sober .. please give it have a chance .. it could save your life ... welcome to SR .. huggles Endzy

GRACIE01

you can do this, i also had the two different personalities, its pretty common, so just explain that to your bf and family and tell them you have decided not to drink anymore and ask them to support you, they will be proud of you and gladly help. dont give up, its not easy but its worth it. I love being sober! be glad you realized it before you did something really terrible that ruined your life and your sons life. You can still turn things around! go for it

LexieCat

Recovery involves pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. Your comfort zone involves drinking, it involves not going around groups of people without a drink in your hand.

If you don't push yourself out of your comfort zone, a bit at a time, you are unlikely to recover. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

If you want it as bad as you say you want it, you need to be willing to go to any lengths to get it.

bcboy

Hi Girl1234

I had the same problems as you did more than 2 months ago. Before I put BOTH the booze and weed down I would try to stop 1 and moderate the other and it ALWAYS failed. I would end up doing both again in short order.

You mentioned you have a little boy. I have 4 very young kids myself and the reason why I quit everything for good.

You are in the position of great responsibility for your little boy. Now is the time he will look up to you and see all your actions. Now is the time that you are shaping this young boy into what he will be later in life.

NOW is the time that you are destroying his one and only childhood that is the time he should be happy and full of smiles. Not a mom that is hung over or to stoned to think straight.

Once I had this sort of thinking hit me dead straight between the eyes then I was done for good...

Please stop for your boy.

girl1234

No it wasn't at a bar, I don't go out anywhere. It was at my mothers house it was a family friends birthday. thats the thing I know i should say no to alcohol, but it overpowers me everytime. But this time, i really am going to give it my all. Thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it.

girl1234

[QUOTE] . None of the things that I did were of any relation to the sober me but how do you deny it when everyone witnesses you doing it? [QUOTE]

I love this line. It's so true, and its exactly how I feel. You can't deny what everyones seen, although you yourself know that you wouldnt behave like that otherwise. Its being a major wakeup call. Day 2 now. =)

LexieCat

If, as you seem to be admitting, you are powerless over alcohol, then you need something more than sheer willpower, which doesn't seem to be getting you too far.

AA can help you tap into a power greater than yourself.

AA4life

You are in the right place. I felt like you not too long ago. I felt like I was hopeless. I felt so terrible for my sons knowing that they had a drunk father. I felt like such a f-up. But now, one day at a time, I am building a new life. I have almost 16 months dry and life is so much different, and so much better.

I am a firm believer in using a support group like AA. I use AA like my life depends on it.

zbear23

Hey girl. I was told early on that I needed to give up my old ideas and behaviors and develop a new design for living. My whole life I did what I "felt" like doing, and ultimately I always felt like drinking. Sobriety was about doing what I observed others doing...those who had learned a way to stay clean and sober. I didn't have to like it. I didn't have to be comfortable in it. I just had to do it. Sobriety for me was about character, not comfort. It wasn't easy, but I discovered the willingness, courage and perseverence that I never suspected was within me. I just needed others to bring it out.

Like you, I suffered from huge self-hatred, self-pity, hopelessness, etc. How could such a person ever hope to climb out of the pit without help? Seldom have I seen anyone succeed in staying sober without first becoming willing to reach out for help....and for me, that meant joining AA.

Trust me....I am not particularly sociable, don't do well in groups and initially hated the very thought of AA (all those losers, ya know<G>).

It saved my life. It taught me that I was loveable, not hateful. I showed me a path to happiness, joy and freedom. All I had to do was take the simple and clearcut directions, putting my pride, my fear and my insanity (you DO know that alcoholism is a form of insanity, don't you?) aside moment by moment, and relying on the support of those who had already walked in my shoes. No one else seemed able to help. But one drunk helping another has worked well now for over 75 years.

I'll be if you believed there was a magic cure available somewhere difficult to reach...you'd find a way to get there. Kiwis do AA. I've corresponded wiith several on recovery sites.

And I do know folks who have recovered without AA....but nearly always they have found a group to support them emotionally and spiritually. Some use religion, some use group therapy, or SMART recovery, or Rational Recovery. But when I try to do it on my own, I turn into my own worst enemy.

blessings
zenbear