The realization that I'm an alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
The realization that I'm an alcoholic.
This realization came today, although I've probably know for a while and suppressed those feelings of admittance until I've finally hit bottom. I'm not quite sure how much use this will be...posting this little message in a public forum...but I hope that today is the last hangover I ever have.
I'm 24 years old, and I've been drinking since freshman year of college. That was just on the weekends. By junior year, 4-5 times a week. My drink of choice is straight up shots of vodka. I graduated and I've been working at a financial firm for the past 2 years. For these past 2 years, I've been doing about 6 shots a night (but usually upwards of 10 shots), starting promptly at 9pm. I wake up on weekdays feeling hungover as hell, and dragging at work. On the weekend mornings, I wake up at 8am and start my day with a shot of vodka. EVERY SINGLE TIME, I tell myself I'll just take a shot and then get on with a productive day.
Wrong. I usually end up doing about 20 shots throughout the day and end the night by standing over the toilet, forcing myself to vomit out the alcohol just to feel a little bit better. Then realizing that I've done nothing all day, I've eaten NOTHING all day, just took shots and sat around. Then spend the night just praying that I'll fall alseep, trying to ignore the massive headache from food/water deprivation all day, and trying not to vomit while I lay in bed. The mornings after these nights are pure hell.
I've always told myself that I'm NOT an alcoholic despite all this drinking, every single night, for the past 2 years. Well, a good education and a good job doesn't excuse anything. For what it's worth.
I'm 24 years old, and I've been drinking since freshman year of college. That was just on the weekends. By junior year, 4-5 times a week. My drink of choice is straight up shots of vodka. I graduated and I've been working at a financial firm for the past 2 years. For these past 2 years, I've been doing about 6 shots a night (but usually upwards of 10 shots), starting promptly at 9pm. I wake up on weekdays feeling hungover as hell, and dragging at work. On the weekend mornings, I wake up at 8am and start my day with a shot of vodka. EVERY SINGLE TIME, I tell myself I'll just take a shot and then get on with a productive day.
Wrong. I usually end up doing about 20 shots throughout the day and end the night by standing over the toilet, forcing myself to vomit out the alcohol just to feel a little bit better. Then realizing that I've done nothing all day, I've eaten NOTHING all day, just took shots and sat around. Then spend the night just praying that I'll fall alseep, trying to ignore the massive headache from food/water deprivation all day, and trying not to vomit while I lay in bed. The mornings after these nights are pure hell.
I've always told myself that I'm NOT an alcoholic despite all this drinking, every single night, for the past 2 years. Well, a good education and a good job doesn't excuse anything. For what it's worth.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Welcome to SR, mwstylee! You will find much support here from people who understand what you are going through. Hang around a while and read the forums and especially the stickies at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good and valuable wisdom to be found there.
Admitting you have a problem is, as I'm sure you know, the first step to recovery. Whether or not you are an alcoholic, it is good that you realize that alcohol is a problem for you. After all, we don't have to wait until something becomes terminal before we go to the doctor, right?
There are many good people here who know exactly how you are feeling and will be more than happy to share their experience, strength and hope. We are here to support you!
Admitting you have a problem is, as I'm sure you know, the first step to recovery. Whether or not you are an alcoholic, it is good that you realize that alcohol is a problem for you. After all, we don't have to wait until something becomes terminal before we go to the doctor, right?
There are many good people here who know exactly how you are feeling and will be more than happy to share their experience, strength and hope. We are here to support you!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Your drinking sounds a lot like mine. I drank scotch and soda or vodka and cranberry juice, not shots, but the every night, all day every weekend thing is me. Or WAS me.
You are drinking enough you will probably experience withdrawal symptoms, so you may want to consider a medical detox. It only takes a few days, but quitting drinking abruptly can actually kill a person (unlike, say, withdrawal from heroin, which can be miserable but seldom life-threatening).
You will be doing yourself a HUGE favor if you deal with this now, at this young age. My first husband got sober when he was 21, and he has been happily sober for 30 years!
I found AA to be a big help, but there is lots of great information and support here on these forums.
You are drinking enough you will probably experience withdrawal symptoms, so you may want to consider a medical detox. It only takes a few days, but quitting drinking abruptly can actually kill a person (unlike, say, withdrawal from heroin, which can be miserable but seldom life-threatening).
You will be doing yourself a HUGE favor if you deal with this now, at this young age. My first husband got sober when he was 21, and he has been happily sober for 30 years!
I found AA to be a big help, but there is lots of great information and support here on these forums.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: chico, ca
Posts: 321
Welcome MWSL. You might want to see an MD just to make sure that you can withdraw from this safetly. I got sober later in life but drank the way you described for the last 10 years before I got help. I got sober and have stayed that way since 2004 with the help of AA. There are many ways, that's just the one I chose. Again, glad you're here and keep coming back. God Bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
Thank you all for the encouragement. I'm going to see how tonight goes, and I live 3 roommates from college (they are not drunks...thank goodness) who will keep an eye on me.
Ditto to what all of you other "all-day" drinkers have said. I'm actually a little envious of binge drinkers because they have a sober, productive day and then get hammered at night. We are just messed up all day long.
Ditto to what all of you other "all-day" drinkers have said. I'm actually a little envious of binge drinkers because they have a sober, productive day and then get hammered at night. We are just messed up all day long.
Next stop: real life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 990
Welcome to SR! 
When I was working towards getting sober at 22, you know what I heard most from the people around here? "Good for you for trying to get sober at your age." At that point I'd only been drinking for about three years, and I was already a wreck. I can't imagine what even a few more years of drinking would've done to me. Those of us who realize our addictions young are so lucky -- we still have our whole lives ahead of us!
I don't know what your plan for getting (and, more importantly, staying) sober is, but AA has meetings that are geared towards young people. Even if you don't plan to do AA for the long term (I didn't), it can really help at the beginning to be around people in the same situation you are. They also have women's meetings, men's meetings, closed meetings... Not to mention other programs out there like SMART.
Best of luck to you! Sobriety can be difficult, but it is so worth it.
When I was working towards getting sober at 22, you know what I heard most from the people around here? "Good for you for trying to get sober at your age." At that point I'd only been drinking for about three years, and I was already a wreck. I can't imagine what even a few more years of drinking would've done to me. Those of us who realize our addictions young are so lucky -- we still have our whole lives ahead of us!
I don't know what your plan for getting (and, more importantly, staying) sober is, but AA has meetings that are geared towards young people. Even if you don't plan to do AA for the long term (I didn't), it can really help at the beginning to be around people in the same situation you are. They also have women's meetings, men's meetings, closed meetings... Not to mention other programs out there like SMART.
Best of luck to you! Sobriety can be difficult, but it is so worth it.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Unless your roomates have knowledge about de toxing
probably the best thing they can do for you is to take
you to an ER. You may have serious medical issues
you are unaware of.
You are taking a risk....
Please read this for information....maybe copy the first page
for your roomates if you don't want to tell them about us.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum...
probably the best thing they can do for you is to take
you to an ER. You may have serious medical issues
you are unaware of.
You are taking a risk....
Please read this for information....maybe copy the first page
for your roomates if you don't want to tell them about us.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Congrats on taking the first step! Hope the detox goes well, I agree with the others that doctor supervision might be best...but if you do go it alone, don't worry about the fact that you won't feel.so hot the first 3-5 days, probably won't sleep much either.
P.s. I was like you, sitting around drinking all weekend, making myself vomit so I would feel better, now I just feel better all the time:-)
P.s. I was like you, sitting around drinking all weekend, making myself vomit so I would feel better, now I just feel better all the time:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Hi MW!
I'm glad you're here. It takes a lot of courage to finally admit that you are an alcoholic. I think a lot of us know it or at least ponder it for quite some time until we can't deny it any longer. I'm 28 and also started around the same age you did. I'd say for the past three years I knew it in my heart, but admitting it was scary and saying it out loud or even my first post on here was terrifying.
I drank about the same amount as you but mixed it with juice. Couldn't stand the taste of vodka; kind of strange. I never skipped a night; never. I remember even drinking when I had the cold and the flu. It sounds like you are tired of the sick cycle. I got to that point to.
Just remember: It does not have to continue
During the last year of my drinking I was sick all the time, but really scared to let go of drinking. I honestly didn't remember what an evening looked, felt, or sounded like without being drunk. That, and I forgot what a day looked like without a hangover.
Stay strong and remember why you wanted to stop. It is sneaky and sometimes it's easy to let ourselves forget and tell ourselves that 'this time will be different.'
The next time will be different in the way that our tolerance continues to build until it takes massive amounts to get us to the point we want to be and then continue right on past it into the madness. I am scared of blackouts now like I am of being in a room full of rattle snakes.
Keep us posted on how you're doing!
I'm glad you're here. It takes a lot of courage to finally admit that you are an alcoholic. I think a lot of us know it or at least ponder it for quite some time until we can't deny it any longer. I'm 28 and also started around the same age you did. I'd say for the past three years I knew it in my heart, but admitting it was scary and saying it out loud or even my first post on here was terrifying.
I drank about the same amount as you but mixed it with juice. Couldn't stand the taste of vodka; kind of strange. I never skipped a night; never. I remember even drinking when I had the cold and the flu. It sounds like you are tired of the sick cycle. I got to that point to.
Just remember: It does not have to continue
During the last year of my drinking I was sick all the time, but really scared to let go of drinking. I honestly didn't remember what an evening looked, felt, or sounded like without being drunk. That, and I forgot what a day looked like without a hangover.
Stay strong and remember why you wanted to stop. It is sneaky and sometimes it's easy to let ourselves forget and tell ourselves that 'this time will be different.'
The next time will be different in the way that our tolerance continues to build until it takes massive amounts to get us to the point we want to be and then continue right on past it into the madness. I am scared of blackouts now like I am of being in a room full of rattle snakes.
Keep us posted on how you're doing!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Glad you're here and that you want to get your life back. I got so sick of the hangovers, too, and they were starting to last beyond the morning. If I had a 2 or 3 day binge, it took at least that many days to get over it, and then like a true alcoholic, I'd say "whew...." and start drinking again. It seems my memory failed me every time I picked up that next drink.......
Just take it each day as it comes and do consider talking to a doctor. This is a great place to come, so keep posting and reading - it really helped me.
Just take it each day as it comes and do consider talking to a doctor. This is a great place to come, so keep posting and reading - it really helped me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
"Well, a good education and a good job doesn't excuse anything. For what it's worth."
Alcohol has no socioeconomic, educational level or career boundaries my friend.
You have taken a step in knowing that you have a problem; now the hard but potentially life saving work starts!
You know you have your whole life ahead of you but why are you throwing it all away? Thats what alcohol does - Be serious about getting proper help!
Dave
Alcohol has no socioeconomic, educational level or career boundaries my friend.
You have taken a step in knowing that you have a problem; now the hard but potentially life saving work starts!
You know you have your whole life ahead of you but why are you throwing it all away? Thats what alcohol does - Be serious about getting proper help!
Dave
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: far far from home
Posts: 373
At 24 that is exactly how I drank and would continue to do so for 8 years until I put the plug in the jug a couple years ago, so it can be done.....
No frothy emotional appeals from me, I have found they don't work. All I can say is thank you, thank you so much for having the courage to post and giving me a reminder of what life used to be like. Ability to function = vodka in system, I thought that was a given. And life would always be like that, AA taught and showed me different.
And yes, my experience is booze trumps a good education, a good job as well as a good family and good people in my life, as well as alleged intelligence :-) they were all no help for me against booze.
Keep posting please........
There are alot of solid people here staying sober alot of ways, hope you find something that works for you.
No frothy emotional appeals from me, I have found they don't work. All I can say is thank you, thank you so much for having the courage to post and giving me a reminder of what life used to be like. Ability to function = vodka in system, I thought that was a given. And life would always be like that, AA taught and showed me different.
And yes, my experience is booze trumps a good education, a good job as well as a good family and good people in my life, as well as alleged intelligence :-) they were all no help for me against booze.
Keep posting please........
There are alot of solid people here staying sober alot of ways, hope you find something that works for you.
DOS: 11/6/10
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
I could really identify with not wanting to call myself "alcoholic", even though I knew deep down that "normal" people didn't drink or obsess about drinking like I did.
I found that once I got over myself and over the label, I launched headlong into strong recovery. I've never been happier... don't miss hangovers... and a lot of it came from this site; don't underestimate the power of "a little message in a public forum"- - we're here for you and you never know...
But one thing's certain- if you don't want to, you don't ever have to drink again.
welcome.
I found that once I got over myself and over the label, I launched headlong into strong recovery. I've never been happier... don't miss hangovers... and a lot of it came from this site; don't underestimate the power of "a little message in a public forum"- - we're here for you and you never know...
But one thing's certain- if you don't want to, you don't ever have to drink again.
welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
Originally Posted by Chops 
At 24 that is exactly how I drank and would continue to do so for 8 years until I put the plug in the jug a couple years ago, so it can be done.....
No frothy emotional appeals from me, I have found they don't work. All I can say is thank you, thank you so much for having the courage to post and giving me a reminder of what life used to be like. Ability to function = vodka in system, I thought that was a given. And life would always be like that, AA taught and showed me different.
And yes, my experience is booze trumps a good education, a good job as well as a good family and good people in my life, as well as alleged intelligence :-) they were all no help for me against booze.
Keep posting please........
There are alot of solid people here staying sober alot of ways, hope you find something that works for you.
No frothy emotional appeals from me, I have found they don't work. All I can say is thank you, thank you so much for having the courage to post and giving me a reminder of what life used to be like. Ability to function = vodka in system, I thought that was a given. And life would always be like that, AA taught and showed me different.
And yes, my experience is booze trumps a good education, a good job as well as a good family and good people in my life, as well as alleged intelligence :-) they were all no help for me against booze.
Keep posting please........
There are alot of solid people here staying sober alot of ways, hope you find something that works for you.
What chops says... I always feel these posts help me more than I can help back. My alcoholic me can see much better my own problem in others than in myself. Part of the insanity.
i am sure you will find this forum very helpful. Since you are not having very productive days.. spend some of it reading here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
Aside from lying awake until 4:30am and then going through the day on 2 hours of sleep, yesterday was not too bad, relatively speaking. I could've popped a sleeping pill but to experience the rawness of this is something I'd like to go through...can't quite explain it. A couple friends invited me to see a movie around 10pm last night, and I would've usually been too drunk to go and would've made an excuse but I just went with them to keep my mind off drinking.
Today I went to see the doctor on my lunch hour..I will save the details but no meds for now, the doc gave me a choice but I'm not really receptive to that right now. Aside from being awake all night and some shakes this morning on the drive to work, the headaches, etc I just want to do this on my own without the help of substances for personal ideological reasons.
I've always heard of "getting high on life" but always thought it was utter cheesy BS. Sad as it is, I've been so drunk every day that it's actually quite a novelty not being drunk. Especially in the evening...I just got back from a ballgame with some coworkers and about to do some laundry. I cannot explain it but it's like I have this privilege of being in the mindset to do something somewhat productive, and not to turn down every single social invitation just so I can drink alone at home.
Today I went to see the doctor on my lunch hour..I will save the details but no meds for now, the doc gave me a choice but I'm not really receptive to that right now. Aside from being awake all night and some shakes this morning on the drive to work, the headaches, etc I just want to do this on my own without the help of substances for personal ideological reasons.
I've always heard of "getting high on life" but always thought it was utter cheesy BS. Sad as it is, I've been so drunk every day that it's actually quite a novelty not being drunk. Especially in the evening...I just got back from a ballgame with some coworkers and about to do some laundry. I cannot explain it but it's like I have this privilege of being in the mindset to do something somewhat productive, and not to turn down every single social invitation just so I can drink alone at home.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
Well, a good education and a good job doesn't excuse anything. For what it's worth.
Ya got that right. I have both and alcohol still kicked my butt. In fact, my drinking picked up in graduate school as a way to relax from the pressure. My home AA group has a couple of doctor's and a college professor in it, alcohol doesn't care.
Ya got that right. I have both and alcohol still kicked my butt. In fact, my drinking picked up in graduate school as a way to relax from the pressure. My home AA group has a couple of doctor's and a college professor in it, alcohol doesn't care.
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