The realization that I'm an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 166
Originally Posted by mwstylee 
This realization came today, although I've probably know for a while and suppressed those feelings of admittance until I've finally hit bottom. I'm not quite sure how much use this will be...posting this little message in a public forum...but I hope that today is the last hangover I ever have.
I'm 24 years old, and I've been drinking since freshman year of college. That was just on the weekends. By junior year, 4-5 times a week. My drink of choice is straight up shots of vodka. I graduated and I've been working at a financial firm for the past 2 years. For these past 2 years, I've been doing about 6 shots a night (but usually upwards of 10 shots), starting promptly at 9pm. I wake up on weekdays feeling hungover as hell, and dragging at work. On the weekend mornings, I wake up at 8am and start my day with a shot of vodka. EVERY SINGLE TIME, I tell myself I'll just take a shot and then get on with a productive day.
Wrong. I usually end up doing about 20 shots throughout the day and end the night by standing over the toilet, forcing myself to vomit out the alcohol just to feel a little bit better. Then realizing that I've done nothing all day, I've eaten NOTHING all day, just took shots and sat around. Then spend the night just praying that I'll fall alseep, trying to ignore the massive headache from food/water deprivation all day, and trying not to vomit while I lay in bed. The mornings after these nights are pure hell.
I've always told myself that I'm NOT an alcoholic despite all this drinking, every single night, for the past 2 years. Well, a good education and a good job doesn't excuse anything. For what it's worth.
I'm 24 years old, and I've been drinking since freshman year of college. That was just on the weekends. By junior year, 4-5 times a week. My drink of choice is straight up shots of vodka. I graduated and I've been working at a financial firm for the past 2 years. For these past 2 years, I've been doing about 6 shots a night (but usually upwards of 10 shots), starting promptly at 9pm. I wake up on weekdays feeling hungover as hell, and dragging at work. On the weekend mornings, I wake up at 8am and start my day with a shot of vodka. EVERY SINGLE TIME, I tell myself I'll just take a shot and then get on with a productive day.
Wrong. I usually end up doing about 20 shots throughout the day and end the night by standing over the toilet, forcing myself to vomit out the alcohol just to feel a little bit better. Then realizing that I've done nothing all day, I've eaten NOTHING all day, just took shots and sat around. Then spend the night just praying that I'll fall alseep, trying to ignore the massive headache from food/water deprivation all day, and trying not to vomit while I lay in bed. The mornings after these nights are pure hell.
I've always told myself that I'm NOT an alcoholic despite all this drinking, every single night, for the past 2 years. Well, a good education and a good job doesn't excuse anything. For what it's worth.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 166
Oh, forgot to mention. I have a BS in physics, an MS in physics and am thinking about getting an MBA too. I am well educated and sometimes I think that hindered me in seeing that I was no different than anyone else.
I was hung over every day for the first few years of my first job too. It sucks to be where you are but you can get better starting today. If you want to quit and you are willing to do whatever it takes then you are in great shape to start your journey in sobriety.
The desperation in your post, and the sadness and pain sounds exactly like me. It was so similar that I read your post out loud to my wife.
I hope you can see that there are many of us from all walks of life and all types of universities.
I wish you the best and send me a private message if you want to talk about anything. I usually check my account here everyday.
We can talk about you getting a support group like AA. AA isn't perfect but it might work great for you too. Me being in physics makes it hard sometimes to wrap myself around the spiritual aspects of AA but, if I put the work into AA and my recovery I actually stay sober. And sober is wonderful.
Thanks for posting, you really did help me remember how I don't want to feel again.
I was hung over every day for the first few years of my first job too. It sucks to be where you are but you can get better starting today. If you want to quit and you are willing to do whatever it takes then you are in great shape to start your journey in sobriety.
The desperation in your post, and the sadness and pain sounds exactly like me. It was so similar that I read your post out loud to my wife.
I hope you can see that there are many of us from all walks of life and all types of universities.
I wish you the best and send me a private message if you want to talk about anything. I usually check my account here everyday.
We can talk about you getting a support group like AA. AA isn't perfect but it might work great for you too. Me being in physics makes it hard sometimes to wrap myself around the spiritual aspects of AA but, if I put the work into AA and my recovery I actually stay sober. And sober is wonderful.
Thanks for posting, you really did help me remember how I don't want to feel again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ohio, USA
Posts: 316
Mwstylee, how are you doing tonight? I can relate a lot to your story. I was a maintenance drinker too, with binges on the weekends. Well-educated, highly functional. You're right, alcoholism doesn't care about any of those things.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by mwstylee
Aside from lying awake until 4:30am and then going through the day on 2 hours of sleep, yesterday was not too bad, relatively speaking. I could've popped a sleeping pill but to experience the rawness of this is something I'd like to go through...can't quite explain it. A couple friends invited me to see a movie around 10pm last night, and I would've usually been too drunk to go and would've made an excuse but I just went with them to keep my mind off drinking.
Today I went to see the doctor on my lunch hour..I will save the details but no meds for now, the doc gave me a choice but I'm not really receptive to that right now. Aside from being awake all night and some shakes this morning on the drive to work, the headaches, etc I just want to do this on my own without the help of substances for personal ideological reasons.
I've always heard of "getting high on life" but always thought it was utter cheesy BS. Sad as it is, I've been so drunk every day that it's actually quite a novelty not being drunk. Especially in the evening...I just got back from a ballgame with some coworkers and about to do some laundry. I cannot explain it but it's like I have this privilege of being in the mindset to do something somewhat productive, and not to turn down every single social invitation just so I can drink alone at home.
Today I went to see the doctor on my lunch hour..I will save the details but no meds for now, the doc gave me a choice but I'm not really receptive to that right now. Aside from being awake all night and some shakes this morning on the drive to work, the headaches, etc I just want to do this on my own without the help of substances for personal ideological reasons.
I've always heard of "getting high on life" but always thought it was utter cheesy BS. Sad as it is, I've been so drunk every day that it's actually quite a novelty not being drunk. Especially in the evening...I just got back from a ballgame with some coworkers and about to do some laundry. I cannot explain it but it's like I have this privilege of being in the mindset to do something somewhat productive, and not to turn down every single social invitation just so I can drink alone at home.
It is a whole lot easier to have medication on hand from your doctor than it is to feel withdrawal and first start to look for medical help.
No one is a coward, no one is weak if they need medication to detox. Every cell in your body becomes so defendant on needing alcohol that not having it can lead to big time problems; stroke, heart attack, seizures, bad hypertension that damages every organ in your body.
Getting past denial and wanting recovery makes you a hero already.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fenway Park
Posts: 119
I was up to 20-25 a day, I never tried to stop on my own, I knew I needed a medical detox. My worst fears were getting caught up somewhere when I can't drink or running out of money or not being able to get a hold of alcohol. I got to the point where after 4 hours, I would constantly see things out of the corner of my eye, hear things that weren't there. My face and legs would go numb, my heart would pound like I was running a marathon, sitting still. My blood pressure would soar to deadly levels, such as 180/140. Not to mention the night sweats, nightmares and borderline losses of consciousness/ seizures.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Western PA
Posts: 416
Congratulations on being able to admit this at 24. I too started young but am now just getting past all the lies at age 39. Stay strong, don't let the next x number of years be a blur. This demon of ours is one strong mfer. Good luck on your journey.
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