Other People Coerce Us To Drink?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 160
Other People Coerce Us To Drink?
Currently in Day 9 and I'm bracing myself for difficult weeks ahead.
One of the toughest obstacles to deal with are other people who during social gatherings notice I'm not drinking and ask why? Isn't this the epitome of a rhetorical question?
My initial response is never good enough and before you know it, I'm being asked to loosen up and have a drink.
Many times the situation escalates to a point where I'm defending myself.
Why do intelligent adults that choose to imbibe insist that everyone around should be drinking with them?
Instead, these people should respect my decision not to drink.
I just don't get it.
One of the toughest obstacles to deal with are other people who during social gatherings notice I'm not drinking and ask why? Isn't this the epitome of a rhetorical question?
My initial response is never good enough and before you know it, I'm being asked to loosen up and have a drink.
Many times the situation escalates to a point where I'm defending myself.
Why do intelligent adults that choose to imbibe insist that everyone around should be drinking with them?
Instead, these people should respect my decision not to drink.
I just don't get it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
This caused me a bit of grief when I started - I was a people pleaser...I learned what's good for me trumps anyone's else expectations of what I should do....
Nowadays? I figure all I'm required to do is politely say 'no thanks I don't drink/I don't drink anymore'...
It's your life, your choice...their problem
D
Nowadays? I figure all I'm required to do is politely say 'no thanks I don't drink/I don't drink anymore'...
It's your life, your choice...their problem
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I think the reason people coerce non-drinkers to drink is because it essentially holds up a mirror to what they are doing...even if they aren't alcoholics or borderline, being around a non-drinker makes a drinker aware of what they are doing. It's like if one Lemming were to suddenly stop and go "Hey! Wait a second guys...we are about to run off a cliff!".
One thing that might make it easier to be around drinkers is to have a drink in your hand, say a tonic water with a twist of lemon, people will assume it's a gin and tonic and you won't have to defend yourself. I remember going to a wedding of a friend and one of the bridesmaids another friend was 2 months pregnant and didn't want anyone to know yet. She was drinking Cranberry juice and saying it was a vodka cranberry.
That said I agree with Dee 100%:-)
One thing that might make it easier to be around drinkers is to have a drink in your hand, say a tonic water with a twist of lemon, people will assume it's a gin and tonic and you won't have to defend yourself. I remember going to a wedding of a friend and one of the bridesmaids another friend was 2 months pregnant and didn't want anyone to know yet. She was drinking Cranberry juice and saying it was a vodka cranberry.
That said I agree with Dee 100%:-)
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
i kinda find the whole question about people asking why i don't drink kinda absurd.
to me, it's like asking someone drinking coffee why they aren't drinking a root beer. Cause they're not.
when someone asks me, i just say..".because i wanted a cherry coke instead." or whatever i am currently drinking.
i found early on, worrying about people asking me why i'm not drinking was FAR less than the smiles of relief when they saw i wasn't.
to me, it's like asking someone drinking coffee why they aren't drinking a root beer. Cause they're not.
when someone asks me, i just say..".because i wanted a cherry coke instead." or whatever i am currently drinking.
i found early on, worrying about people asking me why i'm not drinking was FAR less than the smiles of relief when they saw i wasn't.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
AlcoholicorNot,
Congratulations on your 9 days... I always find the 7 days mark a huge one, just because it means that at least a WE has been survived. But I guess not everybody gets so stressed about WE.
As for your question, I agree with Dee and LaFemme.... I was a kind chatterbox drunk, so mostly I am happy to say that my drinking did not cause many embarassing situations to me. However, I remember one very clearly - the mother of my ex husband was a declared alcoholic. One night, being very drunk myself I insisted to an incredible point to make her drink. I even poured her wine and 'force' her to sip it. She was staying in my house, you see... She did take a sip. I did not know at that stage that I had a problem myself. It is pretty obvious why I did that, isn't it? I am not longer in contact with her. I would so much to say sorry though
Congratulations on your 9 days... I always find the 7 days mark a huge one, just because it means that at least a WE has been survived. But I guess not everybody gets so stressed about WE.
As for your question, I agree with Dee and LaFemme.... I was a kind chatterbox drunk, so mostly I am happy to say that my drinking did not cause many embarassing situations to me. However, I remember one very clearly - the mother of my ex husband was a declared alcoholic. One night, being very drunk myself I insisted to an incredible point to make her drink. I even poured her wine and 'force' her to sip it. She was staying in my house, you see... She did take a sip. I did not know at that stage that I had a problem myself. It is pretty obvious why I did that, isn't it? I am not longer in contact with her. I would so much to say sorry though
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Personally, I still avoid (after almost two years' sobriety) social occasions where drinking is the "main event". I don't enjoy being around other people's drinking. If I can't avoid it, I tend to arrive late and leave early.
I order a club soda with lime or cranberry juice, or a plain iced tea, depending. On what *I* want. I don't believe I've ever had anyone argue with me.
In general, I think it's a good idea in early sobriety to stay away from drinking occasions. And if you do go, have a plan worked out in advance--have a sober friend you can call, make sure you have a car so you can leave if you get uncomfortable.
My sobriety is important enough to me that I don't want to play games with it.
If a "friend" ever tried to coerce me to drink (and, honestly, nobody can force us to), that person would be off my friend list.
I order a club soda with lime or cranberry juice, or a plain iced tea, depending. On what *I* want. I don't believe I've ever had anyone argue with me.
In general, I think it's a good idea in early sobriety to stay away from drinking occasions. And if you do go, have a plan worked out in advance--have a sober friend you can call, make sure you have a car so you can leave if you get uncomfortable.
My sobriety is important enough to me that I don't want to play games with it.
If a "friend" ever tried to coerce me to drink (and, honestly, nobody can force us to), that person would be off my friend list.
:RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
I agree with staying away from events where drinking is a huge focus, especially in early sobriety. I consider early sobriety to be about a year, but everyone is different. If you must attend, having a drink of something non-alcoholic in your hand should ward off others asking what you are drinking. Why would anyone care anyway? If someone is uncomfortable that you are not consuming alcohol, that says a lot more about them than it does you, and I'm the kind of person who would ask them why they care what I'm drinking anyway. So, yeah.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,944
Originally Posted by AlcoholicOrNot 
Currently in Day 9 and I'm bracing myself for difficult weeks ahead.
One of the toughest obstacles to deal with are other people who during social gatherings notice I'm not drinking and ask why? Isn't this the epitome of a rhetorical question?
My initial response is never good enough and before you know it, I'm being asked to loosen up and have a drink.
Many times the situation escalates to a point where I'm defending myself.
Why do intelligent adults that choose to imbibe insist that everyone around should be drinking with them?
Instead, these people should respect my decision not to drink.
I just don't get it.
One of the toughest obstacles to deal with are other people who during social gatherings notice I'm not drinking and ask why? Isn't this the epitome of a rhetorical question?
My initial response is never good enough and before you know it, I'm being asked to loosen up and have a drink.
Many times the situation escalates to a point where I'm defending myself.
Why do intelligent adults that choose to imbibe insist that everyone around should be drinking with them?
Instead, these people should respect my decision not to drink.
I just don't get it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I think that the vast majority of times, with a group of "normal" drinkers, it is about hospitality, conviviality... "join us for drink and good times"! It is, with a group of normal drinkers, I believe, not about trying to make them feel better about themselves at all... Most people are not alcoholic, in fact, most people hardly drink at all...
My wife of over twenty five years never, ever, has a drink when we are out to dinner and hardly ever at social occasions... now she's not alcoholic... She never feels resentful or anything at all, when she is invited to have a drink... a simple "no" and she gets a diet coke.... We went to dinner at a resort close by where her brother works as the wine director (!!)... he was giving everybody at the table some tasting instructions for the different wines he brought out... (wine tasting was NOT the reason for dinner, family had come in from far away and it was social)... all the while I was enjoying the hints of lemon and lime and the tickle of carbonation in my Sprite
... He was a little insistent that my wife try the reisling, which is what she likes... He poured it for her anyway, before the food came ... and when they were carrying the dessert plates away... it remained untouched....
Remember, we see things, especially in early sobriety, in a different light... What is the reality in those situations?... probably pretty benign...
However, I have absolutely NO BUSINESS AT ALL, going to a keg party or a happy hour or a martini bar or a beer and wine tasting event... So I don't go.
Mark
My wife of over twenty five years never, ever, has a drink when we are out to dinner and hardly ever at social occasions... now she's not alcoholic... She never feels resentful or anything at all, when she is invited to have a drink... a simple "no" and she gets a diet coke.... We went to dinner at a resort close by where her brother works as the wine director (!!)... he was giving everybody at the table some tasting instructions for the different wines he brought out... (wine tasting was NOT the reason for dinner, family had come in from far away and it was social)... all the while I was enjoying the hints of lemon and lime and the tickle of carbonation in my Sprite
... He was a little insistent that my wife try the reisling, which is what she likes... He poured it for her anyway, before the food came ... and when they were carrying the dessert plates away... it remained untouched....Remember, we see things, especially in early sobriety, in a different light... What is the reality in those situations?... probably pretty benign...
However, I have absolutely NO BUSINESS AT ALL, going to a keg party or a happy hour or a martini bar or a beer and wine tasting event... So I don't go.
Mark
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 160
Thanks for all the replies. Unfortunately, the most persistent perpetrators are my own family members.
Each of my age-eligible family members (brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, mother, father) are either alcoholics or drug users. In fact, when my grandfather passed away, a six pack of Bud and a pack of cigarettes were placed in his casket since "that is what he would have wanted".
When they come to visit, it makes it extremely difficult to avoid. They start early and finish late. I find myself answering the "why are you not drinking?" question several times throughout the day.
I have a few coping mechanisms: keeping busy as the host; running to the store for more beer; playing with the young children.
There's no way I can say, "You cannot come to my house" or "You cannot drink in my house." So as you can imagine, it's a struggle.
Thanks for reading.
Each of my age-eligible family members (brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, mother, father) are either alcoholics or drug users. In fact, when my grandfather passed away, a six pack of Bud and a pack of cigarettes were placed in his casket since "that is what he would have wanted".
When they come to visit, it makes it extremely difficult to avoid. They start early and finish late. I find myself answering the "why are you not drinking?" question several times throughout the day.
I have a few coping mechanisms: keeping busy as the host; running to the store for more beer; playing with the young children.
There's no way I can say, "You cannot come to my house" or "You cannot drink in my house." So as you can imagine, it's a struggle.
Thanks for reading.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
There's no way I can say, "You cannot come to my house" or "You cannot drink in my house." So as you can imagine, it's a struggle.
Um, yes, there is...depending on how important your recovery is to you. Don't mean to sound snotty, but many people have to make substantive changes in their lives if they wish to remain sober. If it were me, I'd tell them upfront that I no longer drink. Just because you are related to them is no reason to put up with rudeness.
Um, yes, there is...depending on how important your recovery is to you. Don't mean to sound snotty, but many people have to make substantive changes in their lives if they wish to remain sober. If it were me, I'd tell them upfront that I no longer drink. Just because you are related to them is no reason to put up with rudeness.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I think they want you to drink so they can feel better about their own drinking. How often do they come to visit...I understand that you can't say never, but is there any way you can maybe reduce the frequency of their visits?
Someone else might be better able to speak to this than me, but perhaps you should check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics threads here. I don't know how they feel about alcoholics who are also dealing with a family of alcoholics...although I am sure there are many of us!
Someone else might be better able to speak to this than me, but perhaps you should check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics threads here. I don't know how they feel about alcoholics who are also dealing with a family of alcoholics...although I am sure there are many of us!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: London, England
Posts: 211
I have a friend that waves drink around in my face every time I go out going "go on drink you old boring bitch" as a joke. I have known this guy since I was 11. Because I have known him so well for so long I also watched his Mother kill herself with alcohol and his gradual demise into the same dark place. Because I know all this, I know the reason behind his venomous joking with me.
People who feel uncomfortable with your drinking are uncomfortable with their own drinking. Everyone I know who isn't confused as to why I don't drink doesn't have a very close relationship with alcohol. Hearing I don't drink is like hearing I don't eat chocolate to them, whereas to a heavy drinker it's a threat and a worry about their own lifestyle.
Don't let them get you down, they have their own hills to climb up, so do you.
People who feel uncomfortable with your drinking are uncomfortable with their own drinking. Everyone I know who isn't confused as to why I don't drink doesn't have a very close relationship with alcohol. Hearing I don't drink is like hearing I don't eat chocolate to them, whereas to a heavy drinker it's a threat and a worry about their own lifestyle.
Don't let them get you down, they have their own hills to climb up, so do you.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
I understand this is a very difficult one for you and a difficult one to avoid, because they are in your house and they are your direct family. And there is a dynamic there.
For sure, you can tell them not to drink in your house. Your house, your rules. But I find it very unrealistic. I would not be able to do it so I can see how you cannot, while I also understand that would be the best for you... or not. I can imagine the full conflict zone you would get into, the stress, etc.
I am with Carol ID here. Say you have quitted drinking for your health. Keep explanations to a bare minimum. And do not worry about the alcohol supply. Since you are not drinking is perfectly understandable that you run out of alcohol and you do not notice. If they are heavy drinkers, take it for sure they will get it by themselves.
I do not know how long they are there, but I would try not to buy more beers or anything. It will make the message clearer, in my opinion. A big thing in early sobriety is to break the habit of buying drink and to realise how much money you are wasting. And this is a benefit you can feel very fast. You are depriving yourself from it and putting yourself at enourmous risk buying alcohol constantly.
For sure, you can tell them not to drink in your house. Your house, your rules. But I find it very unrealistic. I would not be able to do it so I can see how you cannot, while I also understand that would be the best for you... or not. I can imagine the full conflict zone you would get into, the stress, etc.
I am with Carol ID here. Say you have quitted drinking for your health. Keep explanations to a bare minimum. And do not worry about the alcohol supply. Since you are not drinking is perfectly understandable that you run out of alcohol and you do not notice. If they are heavy drinkers, take it for sure they will get it by themselves.
I do not know how long they are there, but I would try not to buy more beers or anything. It will make the message clearer, in my opinion. A big thing in early sobriety is to break the habit of buying drink and to realise how much money you are wasting. And this is a benefit you can feel very fast. You are depriving yourself from it and putting yourself at enourmous risk buying alcohol constantly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 160
Thank you all.
My family visits once a year since we are scattered across different parts of the country. My immediate family (wife and kids) used to visit them during Christmas but we haven't been there in 9 years!
Last time we were there, we stayed in a hotel and that didn't go over well at all.
My family visits once a year since we are scattered across different parts of the country. My immediate family (wife and kids) used to visit them during Christmas but we haven't been there in 9 years!
Last time we were there, we stayed in a hotel and that didn't go over well at all.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Yeah, going out and replenishing the alcohol is extremely dangerous. If you are going to allow them to drink like fish in your own home, the least they can do is supply their own. I just don't see how the whole scenario can be anything but a disaster. It just seems to me that you are making things harder on yourself than is necessary.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
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Originally Posted by AlcoholicOrNot
Currently in Day 9 and I'm bracing myself for difficult weeks ahead.
One of the toughest obstacles to deal with are other people who during social gatherings notice I'm not drinking and ask why? Isn't this the epitome of a rhetorical question?
My initial response is never good enough and before you know it, I'm being asked to loosen up and have a drink.
Many times the situation escalates to a point where I'm defending myself.
Why do intelligent adults that choose to imbibe insist that everyone around should be drinking with them?
Instead, these people should respect my decision not to drink.
I just don't get it.
One of the toughest obstacles to deal with are other people who during social gatherings notice I'm not drinking and ask why? Isn't this the epitome of a rhetorical question?
My initial response is never good enough and before you know it, I'm being asked to loosen up and have a drink.
Many times the situation escalates to a point where I'm defending myself.
Why do intelligent adults that choose to imbibe insist that everyone around should be drinking with them?
Instead, these people should respect my decision not to drink.
I just don't get it.
An alcoholic will always surround themselves with other alcoholics. It dilutes the responsibility and the "I don't really have a problem" thinking because EVERYONE does it.
By not drinking you threaten with the envy that you rise above your addictions while they fail and submit to it.
Best.
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