kae

So as everyone knows from past posts, I really struggle with staying clean, even while I think I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I think my problem is fully trusting and relying on God and trusting in the steps. I'm not sure what it is. So after my relapse last week I was doing great until yesterday. What happened was a kid at school started talking about drinking and drugs and the obsession started, and I ended up using. I guess I had a part in that though. I prayed, but I kind of didn't want it to go away. And the worst part was I didn't even get high. It's really weird, but I know I never want to use again, but I def. have no self control. I had someone tell me maybe I need to go on one last run, but seriously that is not an option. When I go on runs, I don't come back, for months and months to years, and it gets worse each time. I can't go through that again or I will seriously end up just killing myself, on purpose. I really need help. I don't want to use ever again. It's not even appealing to me anymore, but yet I still do it.

CarolD

I too had false starts before I finally quit.
For me....
I had to want sobriety more than I wanted to drink.

I hope you will soon find that true for you too.
Prayers coming your way for clarity

keithj

OK, kae, so what does that mean, 'doing great?'

Everyone is always doing great right up until they moment they aren't doing great. Maybe you can take another look at what 'doing great' means?

This guy I've been trying to work with for a while was absolutely doing great right up until he landed back up in detox 2 weeks ago. At least he said he was doing great.

When I asked him how his 4th Step was coming, though, he said he hadn't done anything for it. But it was OK because he was doing great. If you ask me, I didn't think he was doing great at all. I thought he was heading for a drink.

But he didn't want to hear that because he was so busy doing so great. Until he wasn't.

So he comes back from his 7th detox in the past year, calls me (good for him), and what do you think he says?
"Yeah, doing much better now."

You could literally hear my head when it banged against the table top.

My point is, 'doing great' is an action, not a feeling. It doesn't matter if it's making progress in AA's steps or taking action along some other path, doing great is doing the all the things needed to recover from this deal.

It's not just sitting back not drinking. That might feel great for a while, but usually we end up drunk again. I always did. So 'doing great' had to mean doing a program of action, regardless of how it felt to me.

Kit

Kae, I haven't posted or read this site since April, 2009. I know what you mean by "doing great." I think I'm doing great when I haven't drank for months, and still think I'm doing great when I have just one or two, but then loathe myself when I fall back into the pit. I'm glad I decided to look at soberecovery today and click on your post. I forgot that there are people to talk to out there. It's been so long, I almost forgot my user name! I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I am too. I've never been to a meeting because I'm nervous to go. Maybe I'll figure out how to attend one of these on line meetings. God knows I need something. Keep your chin up. I really want to be sober, but I don't know how. I think you want to be sober too. Good luck.

kae

Keith - last week I was meeting up with my sponsor, doing everything she told me to do, going to meetings, and I was happy. That is what I meant by doing great. So I think you are assuming things before you know the whole deal.

Boleo

I agree with Keith. "Doing Great" seems to be a trigger for you. Success often is for those of us who have lost the power of choice when it comes to drinking.

Here is how I avoid doing great - I occasionally make room for a "Contrarian Thinking" day;

I shop for the worst possible products at the worst possible prices.

I tip the worst waitress better than I have ever tipped the best.

I wear my worst shirt/pants/shoes ect.

I avoid using any kind of remote controls.

I deliberately do things the hardest way possible.

I look for new and creative ways to contrive foolishness.

In short, I turn common sense into uncommon sense.

Why? Because I want to let the true God know that I no longer worship the false god of reason.

keithj

You are absolutely right, kae, I'm doing a lot of assuming. I'm doing that because I've seen it hundreds of times before. Maybe your situation is different.

I too, returned to drinking after my first go around in AA. I too, was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. I called a sponsor every day and met with him regularly. I went to meetings 2-3 times a day.

Except those weren't the things that would lead to a spiritual awakening that would place me in a position of neutrality. I was making no progress in the Steps. I had no concept of a Step 1 experience. I had these ideas and notions about why I drank that sound almost identical to what is in your first post here.

I'm not saying this stuff to make you feel worse. I'm hoping that you will question what you are doing and see if it is the same as others have done to recover.

The fundamental question is what Step are you on?

kae

I was beginning step 4 again. I wrote a few resentments, but I had to ask my sponsor a question about it. I think I am making it more complex than it really should be, but I never got to talk to her before I relapsed. I just texted her to tell her what happened because she's at work, and I am waiting to here back from her - I totally understand step 1 - but really, that won't keep me sober.. that's why there are 11 more steps. I think my problem is step 3. Like I will pray, but then take my own will back, but I'm having a hard time fully grasping what I should do when this occurs.

CarolD

Kit........Welcome bck

I went to my 1st AA meeting with a friend
I too was nervous.
Turned out to be the best choice for me...

Please check out the link below...

Your First AA Meeting<

Do keep posting...all my best

artsoul

Hi kae! I don't think you're experience is unusual. It's easy to forget the downside and pain of drinking/using. I would drink, feel horrible, swear I wasn't going to drink anymore and then a few days later when I felt like myself again, I thought I could do it without getting into the same mess again. It never really worked, but man did I try!

I come here and read everyone's posts every day until I KNOW (once again) where my addiction will lead me if I give in. It's the same thing as "playing the tape all the way through." Sooner or later, you'll know in your heart of hearts that taking that drug or drink isn't worth it.:ghug3

DayTrader

Hi Kae. Glad to have you back.

I want to say something but, before I do, understand I'm in no way attempting to "pile on." I remember haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaating being questioned by anyone about anything I was doing in early sobriety. I just didn't have the ability to engage in any sort of conversation where my decisions were discussed unless I really geared myself up for it and got into just the right frame of mind. Even when I was in that "right" frame of mind, it'd often take weeks before something someone suggested to me finally made sense and the light-bulb would go off in my head. So, with that in mind, I'm going to try to be as gentle as I can:

When I confessed to having problems with step 3 it was suggested that "we always go back a step and look there." So I'd go back and think about 2, maybe get some new realizations, try 3 again and blam-o....brick wall....AGAIN. Finally, I ended up just saying forget it, I just won't do that one.

A guy in the program I got to know with a bunch of years suggested something I'd never heard before and it made all the difference to me. He said, "There's NO WAY to have a problem with step 3, it's impossible." Impossible?? I'll show him "impossible" to have a problem with step 3....

Then he said, "Unless........... unless you haven't done step 1. If you haven't done step one yet you shouldn't be on step 3. If you think you're having a problem with step 3 Michael, what you're really having is a problem with step ONE!"

Needless to say...... I was irritated and, being honest, it kinda hurt my feelings a little.

Anyway, he suggested that I take a look at whether I believe I'm really powerless over alcohol and whether I really believe my life's unmanageable. He went on to suggest that maybe I didn't think I was completely powerless over it and, since I believed I could beat it one of these days, the idea of turning anything over to anyone or anything other than myself was objectionable to me.

Of course, I said I'll think about it.......then rolled my eyes and walked away.

Long story short (ok, sorta short ) he was dead on. My problem wasn't really with step 3, my problem was that I didn't really ever turn anything over to the care of anyone, including God. I was the one in charge, I did all the homework, I knew what was best for me, etc etc etc. Plus, it was a completely new way of thinking - turning stuff over - I had no good experiences doing it in my past so I just stopped. I became my own higher power.....and when you're your own higher power, you're not powerless over anything and you can do anything - like manage your own life.

So......I hope that helps. Sit with it for a while and give it some thought. Maybe it'll mean something to/for you too.

pongo

Boleo, this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I do this too! It is an excellent way to appreciate God's sense of humor. I also find great humor in being snapped back into the arms of God by a nice dose of assumptions proven incorrect or a little mirror being held up.

I thank you for the comfort derived in acknowledging that "doing great" is never going to be a rational or logical state.

lilac0721

Hi, Kae! I haven't been to SR in a while and am really glad to see your post. I, too, have been a chronic relapser. Though I don't really choose to call it relapse...I acknowledge that it is ME who drives to the liquor store and ME who pours the drinks and continues even when I realize how awful they taste!
Thank you for sharing. By doing so, you help someone like me.

Thanks! :ghug3

CarolD

While I am an AA recovered alcoholic
as you have having issues with Step 3

I'm sondering if you are aware of SMART?

SMART Recovery® | Self Help for Alcoholism & Addiction


Kae....recovery has many paths...