Forwards

Hello. I have been reading this forum for over a year now but this is my first post as I've come to a bit of an impasse in my recovery and so have a few questions you guys might be able to help with please.

I'm in my early thirties and have been drinking heavily all my adult life. Things came to a head last year when I realised I had become a physically dependent alcoholic. I eventually locked myself away for several weeks, constantly reading the SR forum and stopped drinking completely. I'll spare you the details - suffice it to say it is not something I want to go though again...

Four months to the day later I was feeling well with no cravings or thoughts of drinking. I was shopping and suddenly thought 'hey it's Christmas, a pint can't do any harm'. The relapse that followed was horrendous.

Then followed a work placement where I was determined not to drink and two months of sobriety followed. I became increasingly anxious though knowing that as the project was coming to an end, I would be on my own again and likely to drink. My response to this fear was to drink. Go figure...

So I started to put together some tools to help me work out what the heck was going wrong - a 'personal audit' of why I drink (turns out it is for almost every reason imaginable...), a daily recovery diary, a diet plan etc. and read up on AV recognition techniques. I even attended a few AA meetings, though it's not really my thing.

What I fundamentally don't understand though is why I keep relapsing and taking that first drink, when I know it is completely irresponsible for me to do so. I simply must not drink or the inevitable drunkenness will follow.

I do not seem to have any way of predicting when these setbacks will occur or how bad the results will be. Fear of this is really holding me back and itself making it more likely I'll fail. I just don't know myself well enough to work it out. I'm trying to be positive but in the meantime I'm trapped.

So the big question is how do you guys identify when you are at risk of relapsing and avoid it before it happens? Could you suggest any methods I could try please?

Thank you in advance...

Dee74

Hi Forwards
Welcome to SR.

Maybe you're looking at things from the wrong angle...?

I investigated myself thoroughly for years...journals, trigger points, consumption records...didn't stop me once.

What did stop me, eventually, was removing myself from the cycle completely and accepting, fully, that I couldn't drink again ever...


but I also had to look at what was wrong with me and my life that I needed to drink. I don't mean trigger points - breathing was a trigger for me - I mean what was I not doing in my life that I was forever trying to fix - or avoid - by drinking?

Finally, I also had to follow through - making sure that every day I was committed and vigilant in staying sober - whether I was struggling or not.

I can't predict if I'm going to be happy whe I wake up tomorrow, much less what situations I might encounter or what gamut of feelings I might feel through the day - thats why predicting relapse, however clever we can get at it, is doomed to failure IMO.


It's got to be a whole new way of life IMO.

For me that meant coming here and reading and helping others...it also meant changing my real life, taking on responsibilities I'd shirked for years, dealing with feelings and emotions I'd found too hard to do handle before, and divesting myself of a social circle, and a 20 year routine, built around alcohol.

It's hard to do - that's why support is vital.

SR is great but many members here find a recovery group (AA, SMART, LifeRing) or a counsellor is of benefit too.

From your post it almost seems like you're waiting for the relapse to happen.

You can't afford to be passive about this.

I tried to stop drinking without changing anything else about myself or my life and I just kept on drinking - I nearly died.

You must know this if you've been reading here for a year - if you want to change your life Forwards, you need to..change your life. There's no shortcuts.

It's not impossible - hundreds of folks here have done it
Just one day at a time does the trick.

You'll find a lot of support here too - look forward to seeing you around more
D

CarolD

Welcome to the posting side of SR.....

You may have read this already...but the info there
convinced me to finally quit.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

To stay quit....I re-connected with God and AA.
I've not returned to drinking in 21 years.

When I started the AA Steps I felt a shift in perception
from fragile sobriety into solid recovery.
God removed my drinking obcession.

That's my experience....
and it can be true for you too.

I know you said AA is not for you....and it need
not be. For me....it's a fantastic lifestyle.

Glad you decided to share with us...please keep posting

Nevertheless

Hello Forwards.
There is no "silver bullet"answer here. But for me it just took time. You say your christmas binge was 4 months. My last BAD craving was at the 6 month mark. I was doing great. Then bam, a couple days before I reached 6 months I wanted to get drunk really bad. It was a break the glass in case of emergency type craving, and it wen't on a couple days. I didn't drink but it was rough. I don't remember any really close calls after the 6 month mark. I had one time when I gave it a good thought. I had been working very hard all day moving someone from a 2nd floor apartment by myself. I was very tired and hungry, and a 12 pack was sounding pretty good. But I made it.
But I do believe in the first few months you can see a relapse coming. That is where AA came through for me. It wasn't my thing either. But I was so fed up with drinking I would do about anything to quit. I havn't been to an AA meeting in a long time, but I don't think I would be sober today without it. Those first few months there is a very fine line between whether we pick up that first drink, or we don't. And AA kep't me on the right side of that line. (just barely sometimes) but I made it. For me, once I got past 9 months I never looked back. I have been sober almost a year and a half.
So I guess after all that long winded post, my answer is time. Just know when a craving kicks in you have to hold out no matter what,and tell yourself drinking just isn't an option,you might as well forget it. If you stick with it long enough those cravings will go away.
Just my thoughts.
Fred

zbear23

I think the first thing is to redefine, or "reframe" "relapse." I agree with those who contend that the relapse begins well before actually picking up a drink, with a return to old behavior patterns, fears, anxieties, etc. In fact, Terry Gorski (CENAPS) one of the leading relapse prevention specialists, believes that until one is six months sober, it is impossible to relapse because one has only interrupted the drinking briefly. He calls it a "prelapse." You may want to google him for some observations and solutions to relapse.

In my early recovery, I was oriented to the fear of drinking again. My focus was on the problem, which meant I remained attached to it. I am a member and a great believer in AA, which told me that my only defense against the first drink (the one that got me drunk) is my spiritual fitness. The more I focused on my spiritual fitness, the less I focused on "not drinking." I like that AA isn't a no drinking program, but a "design for living" program; and that is what I needed. It works better if I don't drink<G>. The drinking was just the tip of the iceberg, and the foundation of that chunk of ice was my own deeply hidden (mostly) self loathing. Focus on spirituality got me into and kept me in the solution, and it's been an awfully long time since a fear of drinking motivated me at all.

While I think that a healthy fear (respect for the power of alcoholism) is probably not only necessary, but universal, in the early daze of recovery, at some time the focus needs to turn to the REAL solution. The only thing I know of that is a solution to the fear that drove my addictions is the love that I found in like-minded people in AA....and the spiritual lessons of the 12 steps.

I'm mindful that the first two Steps describe the problem (powerless over alcohol, unmanageable life and INSANITY), and the remaining Steps all provide the solution. In answer to the "why" you pick up, the only answer that AA or anyone else has given that I can understand is....alcoholism is a form of insanity. We act against our own best interests due to an obsession of the mind that allows us to believe that "this time it'll be different." In my experience, that was true. It WAS different....it was always WORSE than before.

blessings
zenbear

Jfanagle

I am an alcoholic; therefore I will relapse without daily maintenance. I find that “daily maintenance” in a belief that I can draw strength from others who understand my particular difficulties with alcohol. IE other alcoholics; and with a reliance on a spiritual power that does what I can't always do for myself. (Sound like AA?) It is.

If you don't care for this approach then I sincerely hope you will seek out those for whom life is greatly improved without AA. I am sure there are those people out there and in fact have met a few. I simply have met many more that AA has helped, and I am simple so I choose the simple solution to my problem.

I haven't needed a drink in almost 11 years now and I lay that success at the doorstep of AA and the people on whom I rely.

I have a tendency to over think things, but in the case of staying sober I gave up and just did what I was told would work, and so far so good.

I have no interest in converting you or anyone else to AA; I am simply answering the question you posed. I really hope that you find your answer. As an alcoholic I know how miserable life can be without an answer.

Good luck,

Jon

keithj

Like others have said, a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps has kept me safe and protected from picking up a drink. That strange mental blank spot hasn't come up for many years.

I, too, have no desire to convince you to give AA a real shot. If you believe that you can avoid a relapse by some other method, than please do so.

AA's whole program of recovery is built on the idea that once an alcoholic has crossed that line, he has no effective mental defense against that first drink. I did not believe that because I read it it a book. I became convinced of it through my own experience of doing just what you are doing; making that decision to not drink, and routinely ending up drunk.

When it got bad enough and I got hopeless enough, AA's idea made a lot of sense.

artsoul

This has turned into a great thread with alot of wisdom.... and has helped me today.

I'm not quite 3 months into this but I will say that one thing I do to avoid a relapse is to come to SR with my coffee every morning (as if my life depends on it, because it does!). That way I begin each day confirming my commitment and reminding myself that my first priority is to stay sober today.

Zencat

The best way I found of preventing a relapse is undergoing a total rearrangement of my thinking and acting. I use cognitive behavioral treatments to do so. I find that having a new approach to living life as it comes helps me maintain my deepest desire to live sober.


Here's a good article from Psych Central on Relapse Prevention

Toronto68

I could be wrong, but I think you know more than you are indicating with your question. The personal audit you went through sounds like the foundation of what you need to look at. If you look at it again, it might make deeper sense, or you might realize some things you left out. It's true that we can put down a crazy myriad of reasons for why we drank, but to me there is a handful of emotions or notions that are like the pilot light. Of course it varies according to the person, but it's often some kind of fear or inadequacy or incompleteness - and those exist on positive and negative sides of our emotions, so that a notion to drink can appear when it looks like things will go wrong OR as a nice complement to things going right. It helps me to see the whole thing as a thinking problem and where we assign the power.

To the extent that I understand where I am now with my own experience, I find I don't have that sense of being trapped. It sounds like you are seeing freedom somewhere else, while I see freedom WITH ITS IMPERFECTIONS now. You remind me of me somewhat around 10 years ago, and that coincidentally matches up with our age difference. If I had persisted on the side of exploring why I was drinking when I was your age, I might have changed my life sooner. But it took another 10 years or so of robotic drinking with little pleasure to it for me. I have no way of knowing precisely how, but I hope that you can keep pursuing what you have to figure out sooner than I did. Keep looking at what you have learned; be prepared to be "wrong," and to see where you can be happy instead of "right." The root of the thinking problem is somewhere in there, according to me.

stugotz

The best leading relapse specialist I have found is God and the program of AA. Everything else is just a different name for the same thing. Just sayin....

pongo

I believe that you come to a spiritual, emotional or mental place where you see directly the obstacle in your path and you keep moving and you cross over it. The threat of relapse and the craving to drink does not have to control you. Take your victory, reach out and grab it.

There are some crazy faith people on SR who see the obstacle to their sobriety and they shout for joy. It is a leap to believe that ordinary people can do extraordinary things. You have been given tremendous insight and an incredible gift. If you need proof of that, just breathe in. Next time you fear you will relapse, next time you feel tempted, remember that you are a child of God. Fear has no power over you.

Boleo

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-relapse.html

spryte

I could predict my relapse. I planned it.

For me, it was the calm after the storm. I got through a stressful time, and then...nothing. Then normal life came back, with all its normal stresses and sadness.

And I was like, huh. So this is it? I went through all that work and stress and sadness to get here?! There is still work and stress and sadness. I'm throwing in the towel.

I've heard many stories of alcoholics who managed to stay sober during Christmas, but went on crazy benders in early January.

There are so many situations to watch out for: the storm, the calm after the storm. The party, the day after the party.

I think it's best to have some cohesive approach that you can always rely on, no matter what is going on.

Forwards

Thank you all for your messages of welcome and so many sincere replies. I will no doubt look through these many times in the weeks and months to come and will have plenty of questions to follow.

Forwards.