dybehfar

Hi all,

I have been quietly reading here for months. I have been drinking relatively heavy for 2 -3 years with periods of sobriety on and off since I was 16. I drink a fair bit of beer equivalent to a 6 pack to a 12 pack a day depending on strength of the beer. I have had plenty of negative consequences but have so far avoided any law or job consequences.

I know I want to quit drinking. I recently had minor surgery today, which required me to be off booze for 4 days before the operation. I complied and didn't have to many adverse effects except for the hangover I had on day one. I had to "stock up" before quitting. Well suffice to say I waited 12 hours before I grabbed my first beer.

I am ashamed and feel like I need to "talk" to someone. My wife and family don't fully realize what I am going through. I am a closet drinker and prefer to drink at the house so no one can judge me. I don't know what I expect from this site and all of you. I am sad and slowly isloating myself from my friends and extended family. I am not religous and cannot see myself attending AA (not that it is a religous entity). I did in my 20s and it was not for me. When I quit I pour myself into work and become a work-aholic. Trading one for another I suppose.

I have lost all interest in things that I used to do for fun and relaxation. Alcohol is my only "hobby". I know that I self medicate for anxiety and depression but do not dare tell my GP as I am sure he will take me off my medication for anxiety which is klonopin (sp?). It's the only thing that keeps me somewhat level.

Anyways. I wanted to share this in hopes that I can change me behavior through admitting my problem in a safe forum to start.

Thanks to everyone. I have found this site to be very inspirational.

ImReadyToQuit

I think you have a 2 fold problem, and its sad to say, but your sorta blaming the alcohol, when it could be the benzo just as much... I'd hate to have to kick them both at the same time, perhaps find an addiction doctor seperate from your GP and go in for a consultation.. Because withdrawing from either one the wrong way could put your in the grave. K-pins and all benzos lose effect after 2 months MAX.. So if you've been on them longer, they aren't working and you might be bouncing one drug off the other.. Both of those will cause your anxiety. You have a tough road ahead, but you CAN do it!

Dee74

Welcome dybehfar

To me, keeping secrets is an added burden we don't need. Giving up booze can be really hard - I think most of us need all the support we can get.

I encourage you to at least think about coming clean to your family. The same goes for your doctor too - he or she needs to know your full story to best treat and help you, don't you think?

I know it scary but I think it's in our best interests to get everybody on board.

D

CarolD

I'm glad you decided to post....welcome!


You may have already noticed....
we have many members here who are successfully
sober who are not useing a formal program.
I certainly hope you will be one too.

Blessings to you and your family

dybehfar

Thanks. I do believe you are onto something. I have been at a low dose of klonopin for a couple of years. I have severe anxiety and diagnosed with severe general anxiety disorder. I regularly have to fly long distances and I am a white knuckle flier. I also have to routinely speak to large audiences in my professional career. I have been off the klonopin for some periods and when that happens I go through the roof. Most recently we moved into a new home and laid of them in an attempt to quit them. I was frantic.

I am wondering if I need to see a physiatrist to analyze my anxiety and see if there other methods such as transcendental meditation or something similar. I feel like I can quit one or the other but both seems daunting.

artsoul

Welcome dybehfar - I think your idea of seeing a psychiatrist is a great idea, especially because you're going to need to manage the anxiety and depression. I know that antidepressants don't work while we're drinking (I took them anyway). I don't know about mixing Klonopin and alcohol, but it can't be a good idea.

On the plus side, a lot of my general anxiety went away after getting sober, so you may find that you don't need as much medication. But you definitely should be evaluated. There ARE solutions for us, even with mental/emotional issues. But alcohol makes it impossible to figure out what we need, what's working, etc....

While you wait to get in to see a psychiatrist, you could always talk to a regular doc about safely detoxing from alcohol and see what they say. There may even be doctors who specialize in addiction in your area.

Keep up your motivation to get answers, and they'll come!! You can do it!

dybehfar

Thank you all very much. I think this is what I needed to hear but was not getting it from anyone as I have hidden all of my addictions very well. I will seek out help on Monday. Now...if I can just make it through this weekend.

ImReadyToQuit

Not medical advice, but I think with your alcohol usage (as you've said), you'd be best to kick the booze first... Then do a taper off k-pins with the help of your doc.. Even low dosage over years can REALLY make w/d's incredibly hard...

My doctor, even knowing my history of severe alcoholism prescribed me a 3 month script for k-pins.. I'm afraid of addiction so I only take them if needed, (maybe once a week now tops)....

ImReadyToQuit

Oh, and to add to the situation, the alcoholism was causing my panic attacks and anxiety (a lot of drinkers don't know this).. It is quite possible that your anxiety was caused or helped along with your alcohol problem, then the doc put you on k-pins which seemed to help/control..

Its a vicious cycle..

dybehfar

Thank you, Iamreadytoquit. You may be right in many of my sitauations. I am trying hard to abstain from alcohol as we speak. I need to get my house in order. I will fill in more details as the days go by.

I am open to advice, thoughts and criticism. I just need to keep talking about this so it sinks in.

dybehfar = Do you believe everything happens for a reason

MeAndOnlyMe

Certainly little harm in doing that. In my experience it's more difficult to commit to something and (in this case) make an appointment and show up than it is to have a difficult (for you) conversation. Unless your physician is fresh out of med school, you're not the first drunk and k-pin user s/he has seen.

Rowan

I have no advice to offer, only my own experience.

I'm an alcoholic woman who got hooked on booze and benzos. I also have a history of major depression and bipolar II. I quit the benzos cold-turkey 7 years ago (NOT recommended) when I went to rehab. Booze only fueled my depression and tendency to isolate.

I got sober in AA, and eventually started seeing in addictions counsellor to work on some deeper issues. Today I see a psychiatrist who manages my medications.

There wouldn't have been much point in seeing a psychiatrist if I were still drinking and abusing pills. That would be like putting the cart before the horse. I'm not sure he would have been able to give me a definitive diagnosis if I was messed up on substances at the time.

My depression is in remission today, I no longer crave alcohol, and I rarely experience anxiety. Although I still spend a great deal of time alone, it is by choice, and not due to fear.

Recovery is possible, no matter your story or experience.

I hope you become willing to take action to get well. It's worth it.

dybehfar

I don't think I abuse the pills. I only take them as prescribed and never more. I always take under the recommened dosage. I will agree that I take them to level me out and that booze is the primary issue. I am starting again now with quitting alcohol as that seems to be the "relative" easiest and first thing to do. I slipped today after only 4 days but I am hopeful and with all of the enthusiastic and in your face posts I am able to do this.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am back at day one of sobriety from alcohol. I read so many posts from those struggling with alcohol just as I am and it gives me strength.

Rowan

I'm glad to hear you are taking your Klonopin as prescribed, and that you are committed to beginning tomorrow free from alcohol. I hope you continue to read and post. You can do this!

sandrawg

Hi-I was on Xanax for an anxiety disorder, became addicted to them, and when I tried to go off, I got panic attacks like you wouldn't BELIEVE!

Those panic attacks, I'm convinced, were withdrawl from the drug. They were not like my normal panic attacks.

I then found out, you can't just go cold turkey. The reason is, your brain has a chemical called GABA-that's what calms you down. When you introduce benzos into your brain, your brain goes, "oh hey, we got some fake GABA here, I don't need to make as much GABA." So it gets lazy. You take the benzos away and BAM!! Your brain goes haywire!

There's a whole host of w/drawl symptoms and doctors don't understand them. Believe me when I say, most drs are taught how to put you ON drugs, not take you off. I got off Xanax with the help of the Ashton Manual and a webforum of benzo users who were all trying to get off. Not sure if it's still around.

I hate benzos, frankly. I've been off all psych meds for 5 yrs now, after having an almost fatal drug reaction to a psych med, and I have not had a single panic attack during that time. I'm retraining myself to deal w/anxiety thru yoga, meditation, and natural methods.

Good luck....

NewChapter

Dybehfar (yes, I do): I lurk here sometimes, as the posters on this forum have been so kind to answer my questions about how this alcohol/anxiety/depression thing works and llast year helped me so much to begin to understand my STBXAH (he left the family because he believes our 4 kids and I are the source of all unhappiness in his life). Just wishing you the best and, as the wife, I admire your courage to recognize that you have a problem and to ask for help. These people are the best. Hope it helps to know that I'm praying for your recovery.

dybehfar

Thanks to all. I have a fresh outlook on things and the best course of action for me right now is to just stop the drinking. Didn't sleep real well last night. Lots of waking up but then falling right back asleep.

Today is day 1 again but know that I can stop drinking. I will address the benzo part next. First things first.

It is a rainy day here an I plan on spending it with my family playing games and watching movies.

Thanks again.

CarolD

In case you need a refresher on alcool de toxing
please do check here

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Enjoy your family day....

dybehfar

Thanks Carol. I appreciate it. I have been through that fourm backwards and forwards and still look at it from time to time to make sure I haven't missed anything.

least

Yes I do. You found this site for a reason and are thinking hard of quitting drinking for a reason. I recommend seeing a shrink and/or counselor to address your issues, anxiety being a big one.

I drank to medicate my depression and anxiety but drinking only made them both much worse. Now that I'm sober seven months the depression and anxiety are much better.

I hope you can muster up the strength to stop drinking. Recovery is a hard road at first but it does get better. I'm glad you're here and seeking help.