mimi54321

Hi All, I’ve started feeling a lot better over the last few weeks, my eating has normalized and I’ve stayed sober. I feel like I’ve finally turned a corner and grown up, I really feel much more under control. I’ve stopped isolating and feel ready to start working again. It’s actually GREAT

One thing I’m struggling with however is that I’m still not convinced (my) alcoholism is an “incurable disease” which, I’m told, means I can’t honestly do the 12 steps of AA. This is because I still have a couple of beers when I see my Dad (once a month). Of course, AA strongly advise against ever drinking alcohol because of the risk of setting off the craving and feeding the obsession. I understand this is risky for many but it doesn’t set me off on a drinking binge - I have 2 beers with dinner and then I come home and go to bed, I don’t drink anymore or want to, and I don’t drink again until the next time I see him. I’m also told that in having those couple of beers once a month means I still haven’t accepted step 1.

I’m frustrated. I don’t want to go out and get smashed ever again, that is the behaviour I’m done with, and I do want to do the AA program but just because I have 2 beers a month I’m being told I can’t? Why not? It’s all about change and I DO want to change, my behaviours, my habits, my life, but I’m not able to do that unless I give up the 2 beers a month?! WHY?

StewartUK

Maybe you've just been able to turn round your drinking and change what you wanted to change without having to practise complete abstienence!

MelindaFlowers

Hi Mimi!

That's a good question: Is two beers month a problem? No. Do people who drink two beers a month go to AA? No.

I think only you can honestly answer this question. Do you spend all month looking forward to it?

I know that plan wouldn't work for me because the two beers would lead to ten if I had any control over the situation. When I say any control, I mean any choice, any more offered to me, any more within walking distance at an open store.

I would like to know more about two things: If you're only drinking two beers a month and are okay with that, why in the world would you want to attend AA?

I know many people who drink two or three beers a night (not alcoholics of course) without any problems. It would never even cross their mind to go to AA because they do not need it. I don't go to AA myself but I do know that the only rule for joining is "the desire to stop drinking." If you have the two beers a month, even if that's working for you, then I think that would kind of void your membership.

My second question: If you're having two beers a month then I imagine that you are leading a normal, healthy, full life. But, because you're posting this here must be some concern there.

I think there are some people who drink heavily for a period of time and then go on to drink in moderation. I know a few and they befuddle me. There's no apparent obsession there, they just sort of grow out of it I guess? But these people also don't search out support because they don't need it.

I look forward to hearing more from you!

Dee74

You've been here nearly as long as me mimi...you've tried to get this thing down for at least that long right?

I know alcohol and drugs have caused you a lot of pain - and still those two beers with your dad mean more than that?

I'm not in AA so forget about step one for a second, but...doesn't that fact - that you'd still drink after everything you've posted about here - make you pause - even a little?

You might be lucky mimi - you might be one of that rare breed who can have those two beers, and never drink any more than that, never drink out of those specific conditions, and never think about drinking the way you used to even again...

It's a gamble really. These past few weeks, months, against the rest of your drinking history....frankly its uncomfortably like the big lie that most of us fall for - that 'this time it's different', or 'I've got it now', 'I was never really an alcoholic at all'...

Maybe.


But it's not a gamble I'd take, mimi, and not one I'd want a friend of mine here to take either.
D

sailorjohn

Whether or not you belong in AA can be endlessly debated, the simple fact are those words 'desire to stop drinking'. Not a 'desire to moderate drinking'. I would have a problem with any person that came to an AA meeting that refused to identify as an alcoholic, and preached the merits of moderation to newcomers that are struggling with sobriety.

I can't say whether you're an alcoholic or not, the controlled drinking experiment sounds like a good idea, if you are an alcoholic, maybe you just need a little more proof, if you aren't you need never post here again, or attend AA meetings for that matter.

Good luck.

betterlate

Good for you for switching to what sounds like a very good moderation strategy.

At this point I am very much enjoying having alcohol completely out of my life, and I don't have much to say to others who want to drink, but "I hope you have better luck with it than I did".

I've been around drinking, and drunken people in the past 10 weeks of sobriety and it really doesn't bother me. Drinking no longer appeals to me personally because it stopped being fun and turned into a nightmare. Not everyone sees it like I do, and I'm ok with that.

CarolD

As you know......AA is based on complete abstienence
with the concept of he AA Steps leading you into
a spiritual experience/lifestyle.

Unless that is what you are interested in....
AA is simply not the program for you.

I wonder why you feel it's necessary to drink
when you visit your Dad? Are you ashamed
of being sober?

AA is for alcoholics who desire abstienence
there is no other way to cut it.
You can make positive changes without AA
many people successfully do.

Goodd to know you are feeling better...

mimi54321

Wow as always thank you so much for your responses, I have alot of thinking to do...

mimi54321

My god, Carol you've hit the nail on the head. This is another pile of denial I guess, I feel like I've SO let my Dad down and just want to act 'normal' round him. WHY CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT IT

tomvlll

If you can drink 2 beers and only two beers once month, chances are you not a real alcoholic as defined in the Big Book.

For the real alcoholic , controlled drinking never works.

Supercrew

I have set the "2 beer theory" into motion at least 2 dozen times over the past 8 years, always resulting in "see...I'm not an alcoholic", to well if I have 2 beers a month in that situation I can obviously handle 2 beers a week, which always escalated to 4 beers and so on.

You might be different than me, but I have always drank for 2 things, the numbing affect, and acceptance among my peers and family. Everyone that I have ever been around drinks to excess, aside from my wife, (she doesn't ever drink). I tried to drink NA beer, and ended up drinking a case of bad tasting crap just to keep up with my boys, I have tried Kudzu, which only helped build my tolerance and helped me with my hang overs in the AM. Basically I looked for every way imaginable to be able to drink normal, only to find out that it always ended up with me back at point A a very drunk depressed person.

Now if you can make 2 beers work for you, more power to you and i wish you well with that, but from personal experience it always led me back to drinking 12 packs or more at a sitting only to go home and hit the bottle some more.

I truly hope it does work for you! Good luck, and happy 4th of July!!

aqua4017

This is a really interesting topic for me too. Liquor was my problem-for some reason beer didn't set off the same trigger in my head as liquor did. I could have 1 or 2 beers with friends and that was it-I could go home and not drink anymore. But never with liquor. One sip of liquor and 2 months later I would be in the hospital detoxing. When I joined AA, I made the decision to give up all alcohol though because it just wasn't worth the risk.

DayWalker

Moderation has never worked for me personally. When I tried to moderate sometimes it all fell apart the very first night, and other times it took till about the 5th or sixth night but I always ended up right back where I started from (drinking too much). So I guess one question I would ask is...how many months have you been doing this "successfully"? has it only been one or two months so now your feeling that you have it under control because of that?

The other thing I'd be worried about is if you now feel that you have it "under control" and it's not a problem anymore then it would be easy to start using it again to deal with other problems. Such as a big problem at work...come home and have 2 beers because you can handle 2 beers, then a week later another problem comes up...have 2 beers, etc etc ...

I'm not judging you at all, who knows maybe your one of those rare people that moderation works for. But it never worked for me and it usually doesn't work for 99% of alcoholics so all I'm saying is be careful with what your doing, sounds a bit like tempting fate to me.

Steve

loveon2legs

Hi hun!!
Well, for me at least I tried the controlled drinking thing...didn't work at all..in fact I was arrested for a DUI.. so I know that there is no amount of alcohol safe for me....I'm an all or nothin' kinda gal!! As for your Dad, I would think he would be proud of his little girl, if she quit drinking, especially if it is causing her problems....have you talked to him about it?? I''m sure he would be supportive... If my Dad were alive..I just know he would be thrilled for me!!

Supercrew

Dad's can be different, no doubt my Dad didn't mind if I didn't drink, but when I admitted that I thought I was an alcoholic a couple years back he disagreed, (admitting to a problem where you don't have self control meant admitting to a serious personality flaw and thus a weakness). My Dad isn't big on him or any of his children admitting to a weakness. One of the first times in my life that I realized father doesn't always know best. He told me that I drank to excess because I wanted to and not to blame it on some type of mental condition.....alcoholics live on skid row, you don't live on skid row son....and quit embarassing the family when you get drunk! It's funny how I said "yeah Dad, I'm not an alcoholic", and promptly had my next beer.

mercurial me

If x2 beers isn't a problem for you then you probably wouldn't be on a site like soberrecovery asking for the advice of other alcoholics. I hope that doesn't sound like a snarky comment because I certainly isn't meant to be. Good luck

suki44883

I agree with the thought that if you can have a couple of beers a month and not be tempted to drink every day, then you probably aren't an alcoholic. However, there is some reason why you wanted to stop drinking and join AA. After a while, sometimes we forget how bad it really was. It's important to remember that something made us want to quit in the first place.

mimi54321

Sure, I knew I'd get straight answers here. I'm in pieces really. Trying so hard to be normal and finding it hard to admit any different. Controlled drinking only works in the short term, I just fool myself into thinking differently every time. My depression, eating disorder and whatever else take over and drinking becomes a distant memory and not as 'big' a problem as it really is.

I have just been awarded funding to go into treatment. I was panicking about it, 'maybe I'm not ill enough' 'maybe I can do this on my own'. Get over it mimi, this is your chance to really sort things out.

Thanks for your patience guys, I know I'm a broken record sometimes, I just find thinking out loud to SR helps me so much.

M xx

DayTrader

That first pargraph is what AA refers to as "a spiritual malady." It's a feeling we have when we're NOT drinking and seemingly has nothing to do with booze. I knew that I was in that crazy world but didn't know why. I knew drinking didn't cause it so I didn't believe AA (which I thought was ONLY a group of non-drinkers who talked about not-drinking) was for me or would be able to do ANYTHING about it. I was wrong......again. -thankfully

As for the second part of your post.....
.....don't worry, you're plenty ill! lol

Pinkcuda

2 beers a month, 2 beers a week or two beers a day.;
If you can do any of the above with any sense of regularity, without struggle and actually enjoy the 2 beers you may not be alcoholic in the first place.
As the book says "the great obsession with every alcoholic is that some day he may be able to control and enjoy.
I actually believe that.
The book also says to try to control your drinking. Try it several times.
Most people have tried it several times before they ever even opened the book.
It's an obsession!!
If you're controlling it and enjoying it, it's a plus.
If you're controlling it and not enjoying it, you may be an alcoholic.
If you're enjoying it but can't control it, you may be an alcoholic.

Fact of the matter is that you may not be an alcoholic.
You might be, but you might not be.
Most of the people in AA aren't if you didn't already know that.