safetygirl

This post is for the alcoholics in recovery .....
I am almost three weeks out of a 3 year relationship. He was a full blown drinker from the age of 12 to the age of 32. After his second felony DWI he had a choice to give up booze or go to prison. He spent 10 years "sober", (he had admitted being alcohol free in those years but not sober) between ages 32 and 42. I met him just months after his 42 birthday and at the time I met him he has been back to drinking for 3 or 4 months. I do not have a problem with alcohol and I didn't realize he did either until 45 days or so into the relationship. It was then I heard some of his story, and he confessed that neither his friends or family knew he was back to drinking. I don't know why I felt I already loved this man; possibly it was him telling me all the things I wanted to hear .... but I vowed to stick by him. For years I put up with lies, selfishness, broken promises, betrayal, you name it. Last October he was really bad with the drinking and I finally got him to accept he needed rehab. He completed a 28 day program. All the promises of a new future with him were shortlived when he stopped going to his AA meetings within 45 days. By February I discovered the betrayals again, the lies, and the realization that nothing had changed in him. I was working on HIS recovery while he did nothing. After another few months we had it out and we both parted. Basically he walked out because he did not like to hear what I had to say. I am positive he expects the same result ... me running back. I am no way going to do it.
So, after a week or two of blaming all of my woes on everything BUT the truth, I realized that nothing would have made a difference for us until he worked a program and reached true sobriety. I have to save myself.
I would like input as to if any of you eventually found sobriety - true sobriety - and if it is even possible. I would like to hear someone tell me of what they realize now that they lost because of the disease.
I am never going to get closure from this man - but maybe hearing someone elses closure will help me.
Thank you.....

safetygirl

I would also like to add that he has not gone back to drinking, atleast up until three weeks ago. He did not live with me - has no kids - and has never been married. I am most interested in the dry drunk syndrome and do people ever get past it?

RobbyRobot

Sorry for your troubles. Best wishes going forward. About the dry drunk syndrome, not everybody agrees on what it is or even if it exists as a symptom of alcoholism. Its real enough for me however. heh.

My dry drunkness was always about me not drinking but at the same time not changing my life issues to deal with either or both my alcoholism and my sobriety. I became stuck inbetween the two places because i would not face with rigorous honesty the required changes to get on with living sober on those issues. I was deluded inasmuch as thinking that i had things together enough and more change was simply not something that i "had" to do on whatever was going on at those times.

Just for example relationships and changing within some relationships was always difficult for me. Changing for myself i understood better, changing with others for a better common outcome was not so easy i discovered. So on those things i would kind of falter and stumble and not do so great really so ongoing i would not be living sober day to day. I would not drink but the emotions and the stinkin' thinkin' would all be there wrecking my accomplishments with those relationships. It was really difficult to think i was dry drunk when i was so ready to change for myself in other areas, so i just thought at the time that was enough for my being in relationships. Well, I was very wrong.

The othe thing it can be very tough for some sober alcoholics to even admit they are dry because since they are not drinking and maybe other areas of their lives are doing well as expected they become unable to achieve a more rigorous honesty to see themselves in a different light. Sadly often enough those alcoholics must suffer terrible loss to begin to truthfully face the terrible price alcoholism is still exacting on their lives. Alcoholism is a very personal illness and for many alcoholics once they "personally" feel better they can not "see" they are still living an alcoholic "life" even though they are not drinking. I have learned long ago from my own experiences that my alcoholism is deeper than i ever would have imagined and so i'm not as shocked and awed anymore when i have to change yet once again to enjoy a sober life even after many years of sobriety.

RR

artsoul

Hi safetygirl! I'm sorry to hear about the heartbreak you've had in your relationship. Alcohol can do this to people. And whether or not he stays sober, you're right to do what's best for you.

I can't say that I've ever experienced a "dry drunk" period, except to say that some days are better than others. But being sober and content is definitely the way it should be and it's very possible, even after several slip-ups. Sometimes it takes a couple of relapses for people to get serious about their recovery. I had a counselor in treatment that had been to rehab dozens of times before getting sober and he's one of the coolest people I know.

This person may have other issues in addition to alcoholism. In any case, no one could blame you for breaking it off. As my mother used to say, there are "other fish in the sea."

Dee74

It's entirely possible to be sober, truly sober, and to not only want to be that way, but enjoy it.

I spent 20 years drinking and drugging - I lost respect, I lost health, I lost jobs, I lost people who loved me...and I lost those 20 years.

But the last 3 years of my life sober have been the best ever..

I wish that everyone who struggles would one day find their way to recovery, but thats just not the case.

I think you've done the right thing for yourself and I congratulate you on that, safety girl.

D

safetygirl

Thank you all for your comments and stories .... I am still waivering between hope and mourning and I am sick at myself for it. I was sooo great to him, I know I was. He did not offer me anything. His life is completely unmanageable in ALL areas ... if I had this disease there is no way I could stay sober living it. No one helped him except me - and he has a big network of friends and family. Maybe I just want to hear I'm Sorry - or something - the silence is deafening.

Jeb18

I understand how you are feeling about the silence being deafening... He probably is sorry but is probably so embarrassed to say it.

CarolD

To help yourself......I strongly suggest you find an Al anon group
and become active in your personal recovery.

Have you read any books by Mealanie Beattie or toby Rice Drews?
They might give you closure ....I

Not all loves are forever....I hope you will move forward
and make your life about you....not this man.
You deserve peace and happiness....

smacked

Of course recovery is possible, for those willing to pursue it. Been sober for almost 2 years. I'm glad you're working on yourself, his alcoholism has nothing to do with you, nor are you qualified to help him, right? He can recover if he wants to, so can you.

Zoobear

Great advice!