Paulos

Hearing it so vividly from my mother the other night, and ... how my former stepfather agreed that no one else would deal with an autistic person like me since I'm "difficult" has really made me think about my lot in life, ... am I even supposed to be alive? Do I have really no feelings? Am I just a ****** that cannot understand certain things... when they're presented to me; and then I blow them out of their proportion due to my idiocy and inabilities?.... wow, heavy thoughts... how all this time I could just be wrong... about everything, and perhaps I'm just a mean, evil person all along...

Dee74

We're not who other people say we are, Paulos.

I think deep down you know who you are and you know there's good in you and potential and hope and all those other positive things.

Try not to let others opinions influence too much.

D

super71

Paulos,

I work with people with Autism everyday and I feel blessed to have that priviledge - my son is also Autistic and one of the most amazing people I have ever known - and not just because he is my son, but because of who he is as a person. I have learned so much from the individuals I work with and really feel that Autism can be it's own unique gift. Please don't let what someone says about you define what you think of yourself. We are all difficult sometimes, slow to pick up on things, I know I tend to blow things out of proportion and drive people nuts at times - it's called being human. I am sorry that your parents said these things to you that have made you feel so badly. Words can hurt very much - but that doesn't mean that they are true.

pongo

Your mother should not be saying things like this to you. A mother's job is to support her children and to love them unconditionally. Even if your mother thinks these things she should not be saying them. That is very hurtful.

At the same time I want to urge you to consider if you may be reading something into what she said or exaggerating it or making it more negative through the lens of your self-opinion. I'm not doubting you, I just know that I have done this at times. One of the most important things I have to remind myself of is that I am who God says I am.

Some women are better mothers than others. You can pray for your mother and hopefully that will release some of your pain and (justifiable) anger toward her. Realize this is her problem, not yours.

sleepie

Self assessment is never easy. Just focus on your positive qualities and expand on them. Maybe your perspective will change. A leopard can change it's spots, IMHO

kelsh

Hi Paulos,

I have watched several documentaries on Autisim & was very surprised how many different kinds there are. I am thinking you might be one of the high functioning guys.

One afternoon my husband & I watched a program about Autisim Kids doing a musical play. It was so good & all of the performers did an excellant job.

I admire you for coming here & asking questions & expressing your frustrations. I know some parents have a difficult time dealing with a child that has any kind of illness...most likely because they have a fear of the unknown & how their child will do in everyday life.

I feel so proud of those that may be disabled but are not giving up. I have a disabled son & husband so kinda know what it is like for them...but I still don't understand all that they go through and how they handle it.

I have my own issues with depression & anxiety & of course alcoholism to self-medicate the stressors of my depression & everyday life. I have been sober quite a while but still have to keep in mind I am still "one drink away from a drunk" & possible death if I ever started drinking again.

Sometimes we have to pat ourselves on our back to know we really are a good person & do good for others if the chance comes along.


kelsh

KingsCross

I read a book called "Look Me in the Eye" by John Elder Robison. The author is a high functioning autistic. As I read the book he explained to the reader what he felt and how he thought as he made decisions. I kept thinking "yeah... how else would you do it?" and realized a lot of his examples were like I was writing the book.

I studied the topic on the internet and decided I was a "Broad Autism Phenotype", meaning I had several strong autistic traits. I scored off the charts in certain areas.

I grew up differently, and I always thought this shaped my personality in a way that was not geared towards "normal" interaction with people. I just don't understand a lot of what people do, or why they do it, mostly dealing with social interactions and relationships. To me all that stuff is logical, and I've observed it's emotional.

After reading the book, and doing my little study, I had the most freeing thought I've had in my life. It's not my fault. I finally could lay the weight of not ever being a social person on my hard-wired personality, not my upbringing. You can't imagine how freeing this felt.

So Paulos, I understand completely. The people criticizing you don't think the way you do. They are not really judging, they are just frustrated. You don't understand things the same way I don't understand things. Somehow if I just can't get something (after decades of trying) I've been able to just let it go, or find my own way around it. Trying to grasp when we blow things out of proportion.

See, it's not your fault. You don't have "inabilities", they are just different. They are of equal worth, it's just a different path.

Zencat

Hi Paulos.

I read you from time and I like you.

Texasblind

Paulos,

If I believed everything people said about me, I'd be a dead, drunk, felon.

Might be time to look into a different living situation.

Paulos

Thanks everyone, sniff :'] and yes Kelsh I come here, a little too much and talk about my autism as it's not appropriate to speak about it in the alcoholism forums I know ... but it is connected, as I drank to try to forget about my autism.

Pancake

Paulos...

I happen to know "You" a little bit from our talks and the last year now. I know you are a "GREAT man" who is somewhat misunderstood by a mother who has her own "struggles" and a step father who really I don't think cares about you. That is very, very sad.

All any of us wants in this life is to be "loved". Really, I think that you lack love in many ways but yet you keep on TRYING Paulos!! You came back from a bad spell of drinking and are showing your pride again in Yourself! Fighting - each and every day to stay sober and to regain the person, the man inside of yourself. You ARE a Fighter Paulos and that is a wonderful quality.

I also know from our conversations that you are a VERY intelligent person. Autism does affect individuals differently. It does NOT define YOU in every way though. Please know that you are a special and unique person who deserves to be happy Paulos. I believe your happiness is just around the corner and one day I hope that you will look back on all of this knowing fully just how much you have grown. Marvel in yourself Paulos and BELIEVE in yourself. You ARE a good person and you do deserve to be happy and full of Joy!

Love always, Pancake xo