Help for a friend...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
Help for a friend...
Hey,
I was just looking for a reality check if I should be worried about my friend. It's my b/f's friend Neil. I have mentioned him on here in previous posts and he even used to go to AA with me.
Lately he has kinda went into a wierd place. By wierd I mean, one of his best friends told him that he was thinking of not being his friend because he couldn't trust him around his g/f (hypothetical anyway). He was thinking of ending their entire friendship because of it! There is also another friend that Neil has had since he was in el. school that doesn't speak to him because Neil had a conversation with a girl he was dating and she soon broke up with him. Well, over the last couple of weeks I have gotten myself into trouble and Neil and I kissed, I'm also dating one of Neil's best friends. So, this is a re-occuring pattern for him.
What I'm worried about is I sat down with him last night and he said he's sick of doing what's expected of him and he is going to do what he wants. He was expressing concerns that all he does is go to work, watch tv at night and go to the bar with Scott on the weekends. He said he is pretty sick of just doing the cycle. He wants to take time to himself to figure out what he really wants to do with his life. Sounds ok right? Well, I'm a little nervous honestly...he has no hobbies, he's diabetic and takes "happy pills" because he tried to commit suicide once.
I still wouldn't worry but a couple things my b/f told me kinda threw up red flags to me...apparently he was drunk one night and mentioned to Scott that when he tried to commit suicide he feels like he should've died then and ever since he's been a walking corpse. His words....that alarmed me. It also alarms me that he will openly admit that he is trying to self destruct. He says that it's the only thing he can do in life that is totally under his control and if he wants to self destruct, he can.
Neil is diabetic, on happy pills, he drinks on average 3-4 beers per night, not to mention that he gets drunk about 3-4 times a week, he also smokes like a fish.
I am concerned that no one else is seeing these as warnings that Neil is deprssed. Neil is a pretty unique guy that almost would say something like feeling dead and not be anything to it...but somehow our conversation yesterday seemed different. He seemed compleatly indifferent to anyone else. Like, if I don't want to do something, I'm not going to. This whole thing was spawned because after we kissed, I hadn't seen him and before I went to work he walked into the coffee shop where Dave and I were sitting and he just kinda dismissed us and said he was going to sit on his own and read. I thought it was because of me and I became really upset and started crying. I haven't been the most stable myself but...normally he would've just pulled up a chair and sat down. For him to prefer to ignore his friends came off as totally wierd. So, that's what prompted me to go ask him if we could talk...and I just bombarded him with questions, basically telling me it's not me, but he says he needs to re-assure himself of his life goals. He has also applied for a job in CA that he's hoping to get.
To me this just screams isolation. He has always held his friends of highest regard and would never just up and leave like that. Neil is as good as a dead man if he goes to CA, everyone aknowleges that....He has hit self destruct and I he won't even consider that maybe it's the alcohol that is making him feel the way he does. He keeps saying he wants to take time to enjoy simple things in life but yet, when I ask him...you know, that would be much better if you just went sober for awhile he just gives me this "yeah, right." attitude.
I am worried for his safety and well being...I guess what I want to know is....am I being too over-critical? Should I just let him be? He seems totally depressed and is isolating within himself and from all of his friends to "find himself". To me, I'm just not sure I by that that's the problem. I don't know...i'm worried about him and I e-mailed and asked if he wanted to hang out with me for a night because we hadn't hung out in awhile and we used to hang out all the time. The last couple times he saw me though has been pretty upsetting for my b/f so....We've discussed that any feelings we have for each other are on the back burner and that I'm happy with Dave but....I haven't heard a reply and I'm not sure I will....Like I said, he's tried to commit suicide before when he stole a credit card and got all messed up about his spiritual pureness or whatever. Neil was Validvicorian in school so...for him to steal a credit card was totally out of character for him. I can't just dismiss that he thinks he should've died when he tried to commit suicide though. I guess....I've said everything.....
Do you think I have a right to be worried about him or should I just leave him to do his "soul searching"?
Stacey
I was just looking for a reality check if I should be worried about my friend. It's my b/f's friend Neil. I have mentioned him on here in previous posts and he even used to go to AA with me.
Lately he has kinda went into a wierd place. By wierd I mean, one of his best friends told him that he was thinking of not being his friend because he couldn't trust him around his g/f (hypothetical anyway). He was thinking of ending their entire friendship because of it! There is also another friend that Neil has had since he was in el. school that doesn't speak to him because Neil had a conversation with a girl he was dating and she soon broke up with him. Well, over the last couple of weeks I have gotten myself into trouble and Neil and I kissed, I'm also dating one of Neil's best friends. So, this is a re-occuring pattern for him.
What I'm worried about is I sat down with him last night and he said he's sick of doing what's expected of him and he is going to do what he wants. He was expressing concerns that all he does is go to work, watch tv at night and go to the bar with Scott on the weekends. He said he is pretty sick of just doing the cycle. He wants to take time to himself to figure out what he really wants to do with his life. Sounds ok right? Well, I'm a little nervous honestly...he has no hobbies, he's diabetic and takes "happy pills" because he tried to commit suicide once.
I still wouldn't worry but a couple things my b/f told me kinda threw up red flags to me...apparently he was drunk one night and mentioned to Scott that when he tried to commit suicide he feels like he should've died then and ever since he's been a walking corpse. His words....that alarmed me. It also alarms me that he will openly admit that he is trying to self destruct. He says that it's the only thing he can do in life that is totally under his control and if he wants to self destruct, he can.
Neil is diabetic, on happy pills, he drinks on average 3-4 beers per night, not to mention that he gets drunk about 3-4 times a week, he also smokes like a fish.
I am concerned that no one else is seeing these as warnings that Neil is deprssed. Neil is a pretty unique guy that almost would say something like feeling dead and not be anything to it...but somehow our conversation yesterday seemed different. He seemed compleatly indifferent to anyone else. Like, if I don't want to do something, I'm not going to. This whole thing was spawned because after we kissed, I hadn't seen him and before I went to work he walked into the coffee shop where Dave and I were sitting and he just kinda dismissed us and said he was going to sit on his own and read. I thought it was because of me and I became really upset and started crying. I haven't been the most stable myself but...normally he would've just pulled up a chair and sat down. For him to prefer to ignore his friends came off as totally wierd. So, that's what prompted me to go ask him if we could talk...and I just bombarded him with questions, basically telling me it's not me, but he says he needs to re-assure himself of his life goals. He has also applied for a job in CA that he's hoping to get.
To me this just screams isolation. He has always held his friends of highest regard and would never just up and leave like that. Neil is as good as a dead man if he goes to CA, everyone aknowleges that....He has hit self destruct and I he won't even consider that maybe it's the alcohol that is making him feel the way he does. He keeps saying he wants to take time to enjoy simple things in life but yet, when I ask him...you know, that would be much better if you just went sober for awhile he just gives me this "yeah, right." attitude.
I am worried for his safety and well being...I guess what I want to know is....am I being too over-critical? Should I just let him be? He seems totally depressed and is isolating within himself and from all of his friends to "find himself". To me, I'm just not sure I by that that's the problem. I don't know...i'm worried about him and I e-mailed and asked if he wanted to hang out with me for a night because we hadn't hung out in awhile and we used to hang out all the time. The last couple times he saw me though has been pretty upsetting for my b/f so....We've discussed that any feelings we have for each other are on the back burner and that I'm happy with Dave but....I haven't heard a reply and I'm not sure I will....Like I said, he's tried to commit suicide before when he stole a credit card and got all messed up about his spiritual pureness or whatever. Neil was Validvicorian in school so...for him to steal a credit card was totally out of character for him. I can't just dismiss that he thinks he should've died when he tried to commit suicide though. I guess....I've said everything.....
Do you think I have a right to be worried about him or should I just leave him to do his "soul searching"?
Stacey
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Miami , Florida
Posts: 25
Sorry to hear about your friend, it is a shame what depression and drugs can do to person. I think your friend may be asking for attention or help through his actions, because I have often hoped that people would notice me when I wanted to destruct. Since you got to close you may not be best suited to help him-try friends or family with these concerns. I am not to experienced with this stuff so a second, third, or fourth opinion would be good. Hope things get better for your friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Middle of Nowhere, USA
Posts: 210
Update...
So you really do think he is actually crying out for help though? It's funny though because he actually gets along with me better than his family and friends because we are so similar and he knows it. I think deep down he realizes he has a problem, he just isn't willing to face it. It's like a really tough puzzle. I mean, how do I get him to see he has a problem if he dismisses everything anyone says? I have to tred really lightly because he does trust me but I could be pushed out of the "trusted" to the "everyone else" circle if I'm not careful. Weather or not I got too close really sin't an issue because he's kinda pushing everyone away so...I figure even with distance, comparitively, I'm still closer. So, I'm thinking of inviting him over and saying something to him...I'm not sure. I'm not sure he'll come. He's breaking my heart with what he's doing though.....And I still am not sure if he's really wanting help or just being standoffish to the world. It's really a difficult situation.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Stacey, the best way to help him is to help yuorself. Be an example. It is way too early in your sobriety to worry about someone elses problem. You should be focused on you. Stay sober, go to meetings, read the Big Book and work the steps. Figure out who you are before you try helping someone else. Do you have a Big Book? And are you studying it? Try to get to at least one meeting a day. Have you found someone who you admire? Do you want to be the kind of person they are? In other words, do you have a sponsor?
It is easy to get distracted, stay focused on YOUR situation.
It is easy to get distracted, stay focused on YOUR situation.
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