How to help someone who doesn't want it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
How to help someone who doesn't want it
I've got a rough scenario - hoping to hear something that'll help.
Inlaws are here in the U.S. visiting from overseas. Father in law has been a very heavy drinker for many years - heavy alcoholic but wont admit it and therefore wont accept any help. Mother in law cannot do anything about it due to the (almost subservient) position that women hold in their culture/society. They will soon return to their country and he will continue his "normal" life which is nothing more than spending all day hanging out drinking with friends/neighbors, crashing for a few hours after dinner, and then waking up at the time that most people go to sleep- and drinking alone until 3 or 4AM. Sleep till 11am or so, and start all over. This will kill him.
My wife is at her wits end. I feel so bad for her because she wants to help (and is optimistic that her help will actually do something) but there's been no indication that anyone or anything can help. It seems to me that trying to "help" someone who doesnt think they need help is a futile effort and a complete waste of time.
Their U.S. trips: Been here for 3 weeks or so. They try to come twice per year, for about 3 to 4 weeks each time (mostly for them to be able to spend time with their 4 yr old grandaughter). Last time they were here, his drinking caused an incredibly huge family arguement but I dont know the details because I dont speak their language (and they dont speak any english at all). While I'm sure this was not the reason for the blow-up, on their last trip here he drank my entire (well stocked) liquor cabinet (he literally drank everything from the cheap crap to the very expensive scotches). He always makes sure to leave a few drops in the bottle (less than 1/4 of a shot), and then he leaves the 99.9% empty bottle in the cabinet. I want to have a talk with him, but we have absolutely no communication due to language barrier. The family blow-up last trip was so bad that my wife had resigned herself to the idea that she would never invite them again, and that she was saying goodbye to him forever. However, over the next few months, he (supposedly) quit drinking hard alcohol and on that premise, we invited him again. Today I caught him in my liquor cabinet - he was drinking strawberry margarita MIX (he cannot speak/read english and he thought there was alcohol in it). I had removed all the bottles before they got here, but I accidentally left an unopened bottle of dry vermouth (he found/killed it) and unopened Blue Curacao (he beat that down also). He knows that I wont bring him to a liquor store, and its too far to walk, but he makes at least one (possibly more??) trip to 7-11 for beer each day.
We actually thought he was doing much better this trip - he was never beligerent as he used to get. We only found out today that he drank the Curacao and Vermouth.
I came up with the idea of having his wife crushing up antabuse into his meals, but I just read of the severe side effects- including heart attack, death.
Sorry to blab for so long. Is there anything we can do? Thanks for any suggestions!
Inlaws are here in the U.S. visiting from overseas. Father in law has been a very heavy drinker for many years - heavy alcoholic but wont admit it and therefore wont accept any help. Mother in law cannot do anything about it due to the (almost subservient) position that women hold in their culture/society. They will soon return to their country and he will continue his "normal" life which is nothing more than spending all day hanging out drinking with friends/neighbors, crashing for a few hours after dinner, and then waking up at the time that most people go to sleep- and drinking alone until 3 or 4AM. Sleep till 11am or so, and start all over. This will kill him.
My wife is at her wits end. I feel so bad for her because she wants to help (and is optimistic that her help will actually do something) but there's been no indication that anyone or anything can help. It seems to me that trying to "help" someone who doesnt think they need help is a futile effort and a complete waste of time.
Their U.S. trips: Been here for 3 weeks or so. They try to come twice per year, for about 3 to 4 weeks each time (mostly for them to be able to spend time with their 4 yr old grandaughter). Last time they were here, his drinking caused an incredibly huge family arguement but I dont know the details because I dont speak their language (and they dont speak any english at all). While I'm sure this was not the reason for the blow-up, on their last trip here he drank my entire (well stocked) liquor cabinet (he literally drank everything from the cheap crap to the very expensive scotches). He always makes sure to leave a few drops in the bottle (less than 1/4 of a shot), and then he leaves the 99.9% empty bottle in the cabinet. I want to have a talk with him, but we have absolutely no communication due to language barrier. The family blow-up last trip was so bad that my wife had resigned herself to the idea that she would never invite them again, and that she was saying goodbye to him forever. However, over the next few months, he (supposedly) quit drinking hard alcohol and on that premise, we invited him again. Today I caught him in my liquor cabinet - he was drinking strawberry margarita MIX (he cannot speak/read english and he thought there was alcohol in it). I had removed all the bottles before they got here, but I accidentally left an unopened bottle of dry vermouth (he found/killed it) and unopened Blue Curacao (he beat that down also). He knows that I wont bring him to a liquor store, and its too far to walk, but he makes at least one (possibly more??) trip to 7-11 for beer each day.
We actually thought he was doing much better this trip - he was never beligerent as he used to get. We only found out today that he drank the Curacao and Vermouth.
I came up with the idea of having his wife crushing up antabuse into his meals, but I just read of the severe side effects- including heart attack, death.
Sorry to blab for so long. Is there anything we can do? Thanks for any suggestions!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Well, don't EVER slip anything into someone's food, no matter what it is- you NEVER know how they might react to anything even as innocent as an aspirin! I hate to say it, but I don't think you can help someone who does not want it. Unless you stage an intervention and forced rehab or something... and he could always return to his habits after that. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this, and that it causes your family turmoil 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
I can only give you my experience...nothing that anyone said, did, or threatened, had any effect on me stopping...until I wanted to.
I recommend you read around in our family and friends forum too - perhaps Al Anon may be of use for your family?
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
and I'm glad you read up about the antabuse...please don't ever dose anybody with anything without their knowledge.
D
I recommend you read around in our family and friends forum too - perhaps Al Anon may be of use for your family?
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
and I'm glad you read up about the antabuse...please don't ever dose anybody with anything without their knowledge.
D
DOS: 11/6/10
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
That's what I was going to say... someone has to want recovery for themselves before they will take action about it.
Best you can do is clear your house of alcohol while they are visiting so he doesn't have access to yours, and be there for your wife. I can imagine this must be hard for her as well.
Best you can do is clear your house of alcohol while they are visiting so he doesn't have access to yours, and be there for your wife. I can imagine this must be hard for her as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
How to help someone who doesn't want it
Sadly you can't, it's that simple. I had so many things that should have made me stop it was just plain ridiculous...
Three times arrested, short stint in jail, bar fights, car crashes that should have killed me, lost jobs, lost fiencee', down to my last dollar, family worried sick about me and begging me to change. But none of that ever mattered to me at the time. That's what AA addresses when they talk about "selfishness" in us alcoholics we don't care how much it hurts those around us we only care about the next drink. So there's no way you can stop him or try to help him with any hope of getting through unless he is actually ready and wanting to help himself.
Only thing you can do is since it's your house you can tell him not to drink there or else if he does want to drink then they will have to find a Hotel to stay at.
Steve
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Nothin you can do. Don't provide liquor or a way to liquor..but seems he works around that. Set a boundary of no drinking in your house. Not sure if he's staying at your house but if not, he can be askedto leave if he's been drinking. This will do nothing to change him, but at least sets boundaries in place for the rest of you. If his wife is unwilling to create a similar environment in her home, then they'll continue how they are. And.. NEVER drug another person without their knowledge..that is not only illegal, but incredibly immoral.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 84
Exonerate yourself and your wife from responsibility for this man. Under the circumstances there doesn't seem to be anything you can do. I would say, "stage an intervention," but he does not live in this country so that might be hard to follow through with. I would suggest you offer a sympathetic and listening ear, but you can't communicate that way so that's off the table. He's probably not capable of making it through day without alcohol, and it may actually be physically dangerous for him to quit cold turkey without medical supervision. I'm assuming his medical insurance would not cover a stay in rehab in another country...
Now I'm stretching - find an AA meeting in your city that's held in his language and trick him into attending? That will probably just make him mad.
What does your mother-in-law say? Maybe you can offer your mother-in-law a home, and see if she wants to leave him to stay with you.
Now I'm stretching - find an AA meeting in your city that's held in his language and trick him into attending? That will probably just make him mad.
What does your mother-in-law say? Maybe you can offer your mother-in-law a home, and see if she wants to leave him to stay with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
Thank you all!
I'd like to thank everyone for their input and for confirming what I thought... there's really nothing that we can do. It's very frustrating to see someone you love killing themselves. As my wife said last night.... 'Look, people die - that's a tough part of life that everyone has to deal with... but it's really a tragedy when it doesn't have to happen (quite yet) and it's sped up by controllable factors'.
Yes, they're staying in my house and we thought it possible to just ban it from the house. But he just sneaks out to the 7-11 and buys it himself, hides the bottles in multiple places around the house (in case we find it, at least we wont be able to take it all away at once), and he hides while drinking. I can't really kick him out of the house - he has no place to go, if left alone would probably just celebrate his liberation by drinking himself into a coma, and how would I explain to a 4 year old that I had to ask her grandfather to leave?
Intervention: Not ever having gone through it, I'm not 100% sure how it works, but if it's like I've seen in movies, it's an ambush of people who love him all getting together to give group pressure. That won't work because there are not enough people who speak his language to make it effective (my wife, his wife, his son- that's all). If he walked into a room with just them, it would be completely normal. If they tried to gang up on him, he'd just get pissed, yell, walk away.
Antabuse: As I said originally, it was just a thought that was quickly squashed. Please understand that it was a thought that comes from desperation and frustration. Someone said that it's "incredibly immoral", which I understood as a jab at me. Note that I did say that I was not going to do it, however if there weren't potentially dangerous side-effects, and if it took my sacrificing a bit of my morality in order to keep a man alive- well, I'd do it in a heartbeat. The alternative is for me and my morality to hold our heads up high, at a funeral.
To all that have beat this beast - I wish you confidence, courage, and strength. Keep it up!!
Yes, they're staying in my house and we thought it possible to just ban it from the house. But he just sneaks out to the 7-11 and buys it himself, hides the bottles in multiple places around the house (in case we find it, at least we wont be able to take it all away at once), and he hides while drinking. I can't really kick him out of the house - he has no place to go, if left alone would probably just celebrate his liberation by drinking himself into a coma, and how would I explain to a 4 year old that I had to ask her grandfather to leave?
Intervention: Not ever having gone through it, I'm not 100% sure how it works, but if it's like I've seen in movies, it's an ambush of people who love him all getting together to give group pressure. That won't work because there are not enough people who speak his language to make it effective (my wife, his wife, his son- that's all). If he walked into a room with just them, it would be completely normal. If they tried to gang up on him, he'd just get pissed, yell, walk away.
Antabuse: As I said originally, it was just a thought that was quickly squashed. Please understand that it was a thought that comes from desperation and frustration. Someone said that it's "incredibly immoral", which I understood as a jab at me. Note that I did say that I was not going to do it, however if there weren't potentially dangerous side-effects, and if it took my sacrificing a bit of my morality in order to keep a man alive- well, I'd do it in a heartbeat. The alternative is for me and my morality to hold our heads up high, at a funeral.
To all that have beat this beast - I wish you confidence, courage, and strength. Keep it up!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmm....
here are a few things that concern me......
I'm guessing by now his brain and body require x ammount
of alcohol to avoid serious de tox/withdrawal smptoms.
These symptoms are always very unpleasant ...could be
fatal.
I'm concerned that he is hideing bottles around your home
when you have a 4 year old....a curious age for children.
Some time she could find one and drink from it.
Even a small ammount is dangerous for her.
So....as he is not going to quit drinking.....I'm thinking
it might be wise to just allow him to put the
alcohol he buys in your liquor cabinet....away from your child.
He might also drink less if he thinks no one is trying
to take away his choice. Some alcoholics get an
extra kick out of sneaky rebellion.....
Hope y'all can stay safe until the visit is over.
Of course....your child must come first and you may
not have considered her accidently drinking alcohol.
here are a few things that concern me......
I'm guessing by now his brain and body require x ammount
of alcohol to avoid serious de tox/withdrawal smptoms.
These symptoms are always very unpleasant ...could be
fatal.
I'm concerned that he is hideing bottles around your home
when you have a 4 year old....a curious age for children.
Some time she could find one and drink from it.
Even a small ammount is dangerous for her.
So....as he is not going to quit drinking.....I'm thinking
it might be wise to just allow him to put the
alcohol he buys in your liquor cabinet....away from your child.
He might also drink less if he thinks no one is trying
to take away his choice. Some alcoholics get an
extra kick out of sneaky rebellion.....
Hope y'all can stay safe until the visit is over.
Of course....your child must come first and you may
not have considered her accidently drinking alcohol.
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