How do you spot an alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
How do you spot an alcoholic?
I have a question for someone, anyone, brave enough to admit they are an alcoholic and kind enough to offer me their perspective:
As I start to type this, I'm thinking it's going to sound ludicrous...but here goes. Your answer will help me.
My ex boyfriend claims he does not have alcoholic tendencies. I beg to differ. But, I have no family history with the disease and I can take it or leave myself...so I'm no expert.
He did not tell me when we first started dating (almost 2 years ago) but he was sober for 17 years up until about 5 years ago. I don't know all the details, but best I can piece it together, his marital problems began long about that time. Had an affair. Got divorced. Broke up with her. Got together with me. Was loving, thoughtful, fun, and generous and then he walked without explanation. I got smart, got strong, didn't speak to him for 6 months, and let him come back into my life. He never said he'd stop drinking, and since most everyone drinks more than me, I questioned whether I had unrealistic expectations.
Here are some current facts: He doesn't like his mom and has always maintained she is a drunk. He also has a sister and a brother with addiction issues. He typically drinks about 8 drinks per night, every night. Maybe less, but I suspect even more now. That would be about 4-5 beers starting around 4:30 p.m., ending with a few stiff vodka tonics. And I do mean stiff.
And after all that he doesn't act that drunk.
He split again, without explanation, after constantly talking of a future, buying me gifts, telling me he loved me. Yada, yada. Throughout our relationship (1.5 years) I often sensed he couldn't wait to get me out the door so he could drink. He once swigged almost 2 inches out of a gallon bottle of vodka before coming to bed. All that and he could still make me feel like I have no basis for saying he has drinking issues!
We're done. He's probably taken up with a like-minded woman. I just can't put the whole thing to rest until I hear it from someone who would know. Does his behavior sound like that of an alcoholic? He has always had a flexible schedule and makes really good money, however he did lose a big client after a week-long trade show in Vegas at the start of the year. I suspect he went on a bender. Couldn't wait for his trip, took a photo of himself at the bar in the airport and sent it via iphone, admitted to being hungover last day. Arrived home expensive jewelry and made out like he loved me. So much for love. He's gone and I don't think he's thought about it much since he left.
What do you think? Help...
As I start to type this, I'm thinking it's going to sound ludicrous...but here goes. Your answer will help me.
My ex boyfriend claims he does not have alcoholic tendencies. I beg to differ. But, I have no family history with the disease and I can take it or leave myself...so I'm no expert.
He did not tell me when we first started dating (almost 2 years ago) but he was sober for 17 years up until about 5 years ago. I don't know all the details, but best I can piece it together, his marital problems began long about that time. Had an affair. Got divorced. Broke up with her. Got together with me. Was loving, thoughtful, fun, and generous and then he walked without explanation. I got smart, got strong, didn't speak to him for 6 months, and let him come back into my life. He never said he'd stop drinking, and since most everyone drinks more than me, I questioned whether I had unrealistic expectations.
Here are some current facts: He doesn't like his mom and has always maintained she is a drunk. He also has a sister and a brother with addiction issues. He typically drinks about 8 drinks per night, every night. Maybe less, but I suspect even more now. That would be about 4-5 beers starting around 4:30 p.m., ending with a few stiff vodka tonics. And I do mean stiff.
And after all that he doesn't act that drunk.
He split again, without explanation, after constantly talking of a future, buying me gifts, telling me he loved me. Yada, yada. Throughout our relationship (1.5 years) I often sensed he couldn't wait to get me out the door so he could drink. He once swigged almost 2 inches out of a gallon bottle of vodka before coming to bed. All that and he could still make me feel like I have no basis for saying he has drinking issues!
We're done. He's probably taken up with a like-minded woman. I just can't put the whole thing to rest until I hear it from someone who would know. Does his behavior sound like that of an alcoholic? He has always had a flexible schedule and makes really good money, however he did lose a big client after a week-long trade show in Vegas at the start of the year. I suspect he went on a bender. Couldn't wait for his trip, took a photo of himself at the bar in the airport and sent it via iphone, admitted to being hungover last day. Arrived home expensive jewelry and made out like he loved me. So much for love. He's gone and I don't think he's thought about it much since he left.
What do you think? Help...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: chico, ca
Posts: 321
You might never know if he's an alcoholic unless he tells you he is. From what you were saying about how much and often he drank, he very well could be. Alanon is a program that is better prepared to answer your questions as well as many people on this forum. Stick around. God Bless
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
Hi Im Sharon and Im an
Alcoholic.
From what you've shared
here, it looks like you are
pretty observant and smart.
It looks as tho you are
very much aware of a
person who is dependant
on alcohol.
You've seen first hand the
behavior of someone who
drinks.
Relationships can work if
both choose to make it
work providing both have
a recovery program to
incorporate in their lives.
If not....its ur choice to
move on with ur own life
and allow him to go his own.
Alcoholic.
From what you've shared
here, it looks like you are
pretty observant and smart.
It looks as tho you are
very much aware of a
person who is dependant
on alcohol.
You've seen first hand the
behavior of someone who
drinks.
Relationships can work if
both choose to make it
work providing both have
a recovery program to
incorporate in their lives.
If not....its ur choice to
move on with ur own life
and allow him to go his own.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I think..good riddance! Thing is, no one canreally say another person is an alcoholic..but he drankprobably very similarly to many of us here. It has nothing to do with how much, how often..id just thank my lucky stars if I were you and move on from it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
By the way, forgot to mention he told me he once had issues with cocaine use in his 20's. And before our breakup, he kept making references to passing out drunk on his couch.
I'm not going back, I just wish I understood his confounding behavior. Loving then rude. Incredible mood swings. He spent so much time and money on me, then just took the cowardly way out.
All so confusing... It's hard when someone doesn't explain...
I'm not going back, I just wish I understood his confounding behavior. Loving then rude. Incredible mood swings. He spent so much time and money on me, then just took the cowardly way out.
All so confusing... It's hard when someone doesn't explain...
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Its hard when we cant find 'closure'. I guess thats what you needed from him and you may not get it, I figure, as he may never admit he is an alcoholic to you. Alcohol does strange things to ones mind - one minute a purring kitten and the next a vicious lion. Cant tell you exactly the whys and why nots, but it seems you are brave enough to realize that your relationship isnt right, so realize his actions are not about you, its about him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 27
Thank you all. I've been to al-anon a few times, and found a lot of comfort on this site recently, but I guess I just wanted to hear from someone who knows first-hand what it is like to feel compelled to drink.
Not that long ago, I was explaining to him why I made a particular career decision. I told him there was just an inner voice that wouldn't be silenced telling me that the change was the right thing for me. I asked him if he knew what I was talking about, and inner need that couldn't be silenced. He tipped his hand and made like he was chugging a bottle of beer and laughed. I guess that should have been my answer.
Anyway, you are all brave and I commend you for your efforts to stay sober. Just know someone out there appreciates the fact that you are strong enough to face your issues. We all have issues, mine just don't happen to be alcohol-related.
Not that long ago, I was explaining to him why I made a particular career decision. I told him there was just an inner voice that wouldn't be silenced telling me that the change was the right thing for me. I asked him if he knew what I was talking about, and inner need that couldn't be silenced. He tipped his hand and made like he was chugging a bottle of beer and laughed. I guess that should have been my answer.
Anyway, you are all brave and I commend you for your efforts to stay sober. Just know someone out there appreciates the fact that you are strong enough to face your issues. We all have issues, mine just don't happen to be alcohol-related.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
hi dkaye - be assured his erratic behavior has nothing to do with you. He's obviously got a real problem with alcohol. I think your gut feeling is probably right and I hope you can set some healthy boundaries with his behavior.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
That 'inner voice' is amazing, huh? I love that, keep listening to it and it will get you to wonderful things in life. It took me along time to take notice of this, now I try to go with what my 'inner voice' - 'inner thoughts' are telling me.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
You'll make yourself crazy trying to make sense of it. My advice is get some time and distance under your belt, do some reading, make new friends, and the fog will start to clear. This is a growth experience for you. Don't waste it.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by dkaye26 
... he was sober for 17 years up until about 5 years ago.
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