justjo

I cant offer any advice or suggestions. You already know that you are destroying your life, cant be a husband or father right now. OK have you made your mind up? You just cant do this, you just cant face a day sober because thats just too scary. The cravings are just too much.
Imagine being at your own funeral, with your wife and child grieving over you and not understanding why this had to happen. Scary thought, hey?
You are here, right, something is telling you that you need help - reach out, get support, help and keep coming in here, you can do this, just want it! Want it for yourself, this stuff will eventually kill you.

schem9

Hi Gary2140,

Great advice here for you from all the SR members that posted.

I know the feeling you are having at 5 o'clock everyday. I would get a certain weird taste in my mouth on the way home. My body was preparing for the first drink. That scared me but not as much as what happened later.

The urge was so strong that I started leaving work earlier and earlier every day for the last year or so - I could not wait until 5 o'clock any longer. As a direct result of this I started going in later and later. I was about to be fired but my health issues struck first. I had worked there 13 years to finally earn the GM position and drank it away! What a loser alchy.

I also had a cool wife, a step daughter and a daughter of my own. It screwed that up too.

I write this to let you know that what you have now(time, recognition of a problem, support at SR, options for recovery) and what it can turn into shortly(a massive crisis with no options) is a decision or a reality that you might be faced with in the near future.

I hope you have the courage to change this.

Don't you just love this 110 degree weather we are having in the Valley of the Sun?

Drk

Hey Gary:

You're pretty much starting out the way I did; I started visiting these forums.

In my experience, I would end the night drunk out of my mind, drooling over the keyboard, and reading forum posts here before finally passing out each night.

I read posts here for a year, then finally quit.

Right now you're being rewarded by drinking: getting escape, etc.

Once you start getting a reward from sobriety: clear headedness, early, non-sick mornings, etc., I think you'll turn around quickly.

These forum visits are just the beginning bud.

Freedom1990

Just remember. If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.

I've buried friends that were 'trying'.

least

This is so scary but so true. You never know when one of the 'yets' will happen to you, and when it does, it might be too late to fix or change things. Change your life now, while you still can. I did and I'm so glad that I did. I don't ever want to go back to that hell again. I never again want to wake up that sick.:

I totally agree.


I hope you get yourself sober and stay that way, however you do it. :ghug3

BullDog777

deja vu ....wow.

i feel like you just told my story right before i got sober.

i have a 4 year old daughter whose heart i was breaking on a daily basis from being a chronic alcoholic..

i was never a mean drunk. i've never hit my kid, i just wasn't around very much. when i was, all she wanted to do is play with me and all i could do was be hung over from the night before. i felt so hopeless because i just couldn't stop.

it is one of the most heart-breaking, hopeless feelings i've ever felt.

to think, this awsome little girl was probably gonna have to grow up without her daddy.

that she was gonna have to watch her father die from this.

that she was gonna experience such a profound heartbreak at such a young age.....

this would probably ruin her life.

one day i woke up and said "F that."

so i started to detox. no more would i live on my knees from this disease. i had to get mad.

i was detoxing from a 1/2 gallon a day alcohol, and enough prescription drugs to make a normal person full if they were to take it in one sitting.

i detoxed for a month, and i almost died quite a few times. i had seizures and my BP was at a stroke level for days...but 6 months ago today, i walked out of this maddness with a raw determination to live.


now i spend every day trying to make up for the horrible excuse for a dad i was.


for my daughter's 4th birthday, i took her and my wife to Orlando and spent a week at DisneyWorld. She got to ride all the rides and meet the Disney princesses' and live in a world of wonder that she had deserved for years.

She almost never hugged me before i got sober. Yesterday, she ran up to me and said "your the best daddy ever".

it was like the hand of God gripping my soul. i don't think i had ever felt such joy.

i was labled a hopeless case.

now that word...hopeless...holds no meaning for me anymore.


Get help. Do it anyway you can. your wife and daughter need you...

You don't have to die when living is an option.

CarolD

Welcome back Gary.....
I do remember you Your active alcoholism is so obvious

What are your plans this time for sobriety?

You and your family deserve better Gary

Gary2140

Well, I didn't drink last night so this is my first 24hrs sober.

My plans? I am going to get to some meetings. I have a close friend that also motivates me to stay sober.

It feels weird not waking up hungover.

I appreciate all the posts, I read each one. It means a lot to have your feedback.

I'll keep you all up to date. I feel motivated to stay on this path of sobriety.


- Gary

rws177

That is great!! I am excited for you and the journey ahead.

Kjell

Gary - I've been checking this post to see if you would respond (I mean that in a good way as in I was hoping you were able to stay sober).

This is GREAT news! Please keep us posted on your progress (I'd love to hear how the meetings go) and post when the urge hits you.

You never have to drink again. How awesome is that?

sunrise1

WTG, Gary... keep coming back. You can do this.

mikefreak

That's right Gary, keep trying. You can lose a LOT of battles & still win the war.:camper:

sobermax

Mate,

you can do pretty much anything, if you really want it enough.

I have spent the last 3 years serially trying to stop drinking or rather, stopping and hoping that somehow, something will be different. It is always the same - my alcoholism won't stay in its box on its own.

I share your misgivings about AA - didn't want to go at all, hate the idea of surrender, of spirituality, of going to meetings forever, scared of screwing up. . . . . but I'm still going and have been very surprised at how much it is helping. A bit of me instinctively knew that I'd have to employ some sort of daily program for living (AA or other) to stay sober and that's precisely what I'm learning about. If this cynical, hedonistic, selfish party diehard can see light at the end of the boozing tunnel, then anyone can. It is possible to look beyond all the archaic language and the christian overtones - at the heart of the AA program is a practical, doable, no-nonsense way to get your life back and live it well, without shame or remorse.

Go to a meeting regardless of how you feel! Look into some other routes to sobriety! But do something.

Keep posting!

MeAndOnlyMe

Try making it to 6 tomorrow and 7 the night after that and 8 the next night. It's going to be stressful and anxiety-ridden but each night is an extra hour with your kid(s) and spouse.

BE a better father and spouse - don't just want to be.

Brucel

Way to go for 24 Gary. If you keep this up you'll realize all of us that are staying sober are doing it a day at a time. You've done that!!! I agree totally with sobermax, although I might not share his personal views. It doesn't matter what you do or don't believe, you to have a seat in AA if you want it. God Bless

sunrise1

Gary- hope you update us and let us know how you're doing.

Ozgirl

.