Retro_Girl

Sorry this is so long and rambling.........

I realized I've always been an addict but it has taken different forms. As a kid I was escaping into excessive TV and books to block out my home life (abuse). Then came overeating, then I became anorexic for a year. Then Romance and love addiction. Currently alcohol and shopping addiction (but I only shop at flea markets and thrift stores). Without alcohol - I'm wondering if I will try to transfer addiction to something else....seems like that is the only way I can feel gratified? Anyone got rid of addiction completely and no longer need to function that way?

Has anyone gone from drinking every day to just one day or two days a week and been sucessful or has that lead down to the same path that you were on before eventually? I have been sucessful at cutting down - about 5 years ago I was drinking a bottle to a bottle and a half of wine a night or I was drinking vodka - about 1/2 a bottle (but never both in the same night, one or the other). I cut down back then and now I drink a 1/2 bottle of red wine, never more than and I don't drink any hard stuff. So for me instead of progressing to more and more drinking, I have sucessfully cut back but feel now that drinking every day is too much for anyone's system and I should cut down further.

I'm on day 5 of not drinking - still not easy. Boredom at night and feelings of being deprived of the "reward" of getting drunk so I go to sleep early to shut the whole situation off....

artsoul

I can relate, RetroGirl. I used to say that if I did something three times, it became an addiction for me. I try to accept that about myself today and use it to my advantage. If all I can do right now is to trade the harmful addictions for healthy ones, I'll be doing pretty good.

Right now my focus in on getting a good bit of sobriety under my belt. Next step is quitting cigarettes. If I have to hang out at SR every day or play video games, or drink more coffee (or whatever) to get me through the initial adjustment, then so be it.

As far as cutting down or moderating, I found that I could do it for short periods of time, but when I look at my drinking career over the years, I was slowly inching up the scale, not down.

Hang in there and take it a day at a time. You can do it!!

sunrise1

RetroGirl,

About 6 months ago I was browsing through the bookstore; specifically, the section for the AA literature and other books about alcoholism. I was going down the row, title by title, when I realized I'd wandered into the eating disorder section. A HUGE light bulb went off for me... from my late teens to my mid twenties, I was bulimic. I know they are all connected- for me, at least.

I don't remember what destructive thing I did to myself before that- come to think of it, I've always been a nail or cuticle biter- but there's always been something. Alcohol, given its "fair shot", was probably a sure thing in my genetic makeup.

Personally- I'm not offended by the line in the BB that suggests many of us were/are "outright mental defectives"... I'm certain Bill W had a lens that could see far into the future and was picturing me when he wrote that. :rotfxko

Kerbcrawler

Hi Retrogirl, sounds to me you have a little more discipline,or mind control, than many here, if you can succesfully cut back the way, an stay like that, 2 glasses a night.. if i could do this an felt in control of, i would never have stopped...but then you must feel there is a problem to want to stop completely? also if i can say, this is an interesting subject, of control or out of control habits, for me if i get into anything at all, it seems to become all consuming, have said this before, could not smoke 10 gigs a day,but 30~40, can not drink 3 cups of coffee a day but 8~9, cannot take 6,nicotine lozenge a day but 12, you get the picture..Sigh...everything with me seems to get done to excess, therefore,non partaking seems the safest route, ill discipline,lack of mind control..not sure, but runs deep, hence the floodgates of alcohol were open for too long and needed closing,on a positive note stopped an doin well..wish you well.,

Retro_Girl

I have anxiety and I'm very obsessive/paranoid. So I admit too that I am not "normal" but who is?

artsoul

I found the same thing when I was "moderating." I always wanted more, no matter how much I allowed myself.

One thing about the anxiety: I was pleasantly surprised to find that alot of it was related to drinking and subsided to a great extent after getting sober. Still have underlying depression and some OCD tendencies, but they're much more mangeable now, and my medication works without alcohol to interfere. So that's something to consider as well.

Cornczech

Weird.....I too was an anorexic in HS and college...then I became addicted to Diet Coke, (I used to drink 6 or more a day...). After a few painful surgeries and a DX of endometriosis and migraines....I started to abuse pain pills...thank the stars that they started to make me very nauseous and most of the time vomit....or I would STILL be on them....but now it is alcohol and pot. I, like you, have cut back to drinking on my days off, (which happen to be 3 a week.....) and not drink on weekends.....(unless it's a wedding or party...which is very rare....) I cut back from 8 a day (beer...funny how an ex-anorexic let herself get chubby on beer....) to now at MAX 4 a day...but mostly 2.....
ANYHOW.....I wish I could actually answer your question......we just need, I think...to find a HEALTHY addiction, (is there such a thing?), and stop destroying ourselves slowly.......(or at least that's the case for me...)...by the way...I ALSO shop at Thrift stores....my husband asked me to stop a few months ago and I have managed to stop going every week...sometimes twice a week.....our house was FILLED with stuff....

Good luck and peace!

d(-_-)b

Retro_Girl

To Cornczech and Kerbcrawler - I think there may be something "missing" so we look for an addiction to fill it in. Like for me it was from my childhood - my dad left when I was 4 and then I grew up with an abusive step father. I feel like the people who are sucessful at staying sober have some kind of spiritual awakening that fills them in from the inside. Which hasn't happend to me yet - unfortunately......doesn't seem like something you can "force" but have to be paitent - hard for addicts who want instant gratification.

Retro_Girl

Yes - I have always had health paranoia/hypochindria (so some of the anxiety/paranoia is good I guess) and am constantly worried that I'll get liver disease. I get some aches in my liver sometimes. I've never had an abnormal liver function test (which I get checked twice a year) but I've been told that you can do damage to your liver slowly and chronicly and your tests show fine, its because you haven't done enough damage to have it show up on a test and when it does show up then you have a problem. Its taking a big risk to drink up to the point of it showing on tests. I'm 36 and been drinking for 13-14 years pretty much every day. That is why I'm trying to stop.....

wren

Thanks for posting this topic.

It's something that's on my mind a lot. I often wonder how some people don't seem to have any addictions whatsoever.
Now without alcohol, I've increased smoking, and I've always been a caffeine fiend.
Other mini-addictions have come and gone.

I think some 'addictions' can be positive-- like exercise, or just taking the time to perfect something (you see this in many of the great artists and musicians).

As someone who has felt the pull of both destructive and positive addictions, I just try to not develop any new destructive ones and not invite back any from the past.

mimi54321

Great thread!

Hi Retro girl, my background is very similar to yours. I was a bottle of wine a day all through my 20's and have had an eating disorder from the age of 16 (anorexic/bulimic). I also went through other addictions, pot, coke, speed, everything to excess. When I was 28 I decided to get some therapy and the first thing I did was cut down to 1/2 bottle of wine at night for some time but still binge drinking and partying at the weekends and also shopping myself into massive debt.

Then I quit drugs, partying and felt better but still drank every day, then any little problem that would come up made me drink more (always a good excuse). I felt like it was the only thing I looked forward to in the day and I became obsessed with controlling how much I drank when really all I wanted to do was kick back and get trashed, always wanted more more more.

Anyway, to cut a long story short (!) I have realised that I need to stop drinking, have been going to AA and found it really helpful. I'm still going round and round in circles with my ED and booze but I now have an understanding of why I do it all. For me, I am working on the AA program and not to drink one day at a time. My ED is something I'll tackle more thoroughly when I feel comfortable being sober.

I think what I wanted to say is that I know I'll never be happy until I find that happiness inside. All I want is to feel comfortable in my skin and be able to be there for other human beings like they've been there for me. All this chasing is an attempt to find something else to make me happy and it will never work. Whether I'm an alcoholic or not, I know I drink for the wrong reasons and that I feel SO much better when I've been sober for a few weeks, like the fog has lifted and that's the closest I've got to feeling the happiness I crave so I know its the right thing to do.

Phew sorry for the long post, it all just came out! PM me if you like

M

Retro_Girl

Thank you for posting! I agree, I think its trying to fill in from the outside and we won't be happy until we do it from the inside. But it does not happen overnight so I feel that we have to wait until a light comes on - I've had some small lights come on from not drinking but no big ones yet. Drinking makes me feel soo crappy and tired and unable to think straight the next day or relate correctly to my problems, then I want to drink. I think the hard part for me it is a lot of conditioning - I saved up my drinking for the evening so I could let it all hang out and feel good (and get trashed like you said) also I used it as a coping mechanism/justification for bad behaviors like it was ok to be bad because I could drink the guilt away later.

Now that I'm not drinking (day 6) its like there is something big missing. It is because I set it up like that and how I related to the drinking. I hope I can forget or unlearn. I became obsessed with controling how much I drank too and I think that is how I was able to cut back. I measured it every night ...haha....but that didnt make me happy either because I was still paranoid about my health and obessive. I think its hard because you have to unlearn an almost lifetime of behavoirs but I keep thinking that if others have done it, I can too. Usually people who have been sober say it was the best thing they ever did. I keep telling myself that and hope I'll get there soon. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk or need support!

Retro_Girl

I agree - we can at least try to choose the non-destructive addictions...

Freedom1990

I found a solution in AA. If I didn't address the underlying issues, then yes, I simply transferred to another. I continued to play with sex/relationships for many years into my sobriety before I finally hit a bottom there.

Working an active 12-step program, and practicing those principles in all my affairs has made a huge difference in compulsive behaviors for me.

mimi54321

You CAN. I NEVER thought I'd get out of the 'wanting-a-glass-of-wine-every-night' and I have! It took me a while of doing it every day but the more I did it the easier it got until it stops being habit. I choose to focus on trying to get to a meeting and then something nice for dinner. Sometimes its hard to relax completely but the thought of waking up feeling good and not hungover keeps me going.

I agree its hard though but if I can do it YOU CAN!!

Retro_Girl

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, they made me feel better and give me hope that I can do it too!! I'm gonna hang in there! Its not worth the health problems!

mimi54321

Or the under eye bags and the wrinkles - hahaaaaa

Retro_Girl

For sure!