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Am i being an insensative wife?

Old 06-13-2010, 06:48 PM
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Am i being an insensative wife?

ok so now you have all gotten used to me I could really do with your advice guys. This may be a semi long one .. but ill try to keep it short! (ohh that sounded rude!)

As i said earlier I have been an Alcoholic for 6 years, i am 24 days sober and it took me the 6 years to get to my bottom, My husband, Dr and Parents all saw the harm i was doing to my body etc and i went into rehab very sick indeed. I did it for myself but i also did it for my children and Family. My Dr, he is a great addiction councilor, in fact he has been an interventionist on Intervention and is quite renound in the addiction field .. anyways ....

My husband who was the most supportive of me while i was drinking, in terms of helping me quit, giving me the tools to do so and driving me to my sessions and Detox, damn that man kept me alive! Well he seems to have changed..

His dad passed away on Tuesday, now i know, that's hard as hell and i have been supporting him 100% and i love doing so but i got to the point after nearly a week of doing so .. angry.. now that's so not me and i have no idea why i feel this way. Even writing that i feel disgusted with myself .. i feel like his dad may have passed but i am fighting for my life .. hello notice me!!

I have no reservations about being there for him 100% but i feel that i am just getting the bad end of the stick.

He just arrived home after being out all day, stinking of beer and said he had got a beer at the garage and drove home with it!!!! So not like him .. i just feel a little bit of consideration for my young sobriety would be appreciated ..

What do you guys think an i being bitchy, horrible, insane!

Thanks for your forthcoming advice, it's really appreciated.

Regards, Melanie ...
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Old 06-13-2010, 07:22 PM
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I don't have any real answers, but I can relate to your post. I've found that I'm more impatient (yes, with family, too) these days, and think it's pretty normal. While drinking, I didn't have much energy to get worked up about things, and if I did start to get angry, depressed, irritated (or have any one of a hundred other emotions), I would just drink more.

When we get sober, all the emotions start coming to the surface again and it makes us uncomfortable. Learning how to deal with our feelings is going to take time, and so I think we have to give ourselves a break. We need to give others a break, too, because chances are it's as much us as it is them.

The fact that your husband was drinking just added to it, I'm sure.

Something that helps me alot (besides all the sobriety tools we learn at SR and in AA) is that if you can just feel the feelings and not act on them, they'll begin to subside. Try not to let them grow any bigger by dwelling on them. Also, a good night's sleep helps, so see if you don't feel better in the morning.

I know it's got to be hard not to have him to lean on right now, but you do have us!
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Old 06-14-2010, 02:27 AM
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As hard as it is, I would try to take yourself out of this situation, meaning become more objective and less subjective. Your husband is doing exactly what he has been supporting you NOT to do, that is, turning to alcohol for comfort and solace during a difficult time. While I suppose that is understandable, you should not make the mistake of using him as your example.

All human beings are weak and will stumble and fail. Your HP needs to be your guide, not the actions or subtractions of other human beings. You can support your dh in grief, while at the same time not condoning his drinking, (and driving!?) It sounds to me as though some grief counseling is in order for him - you could offer to go together and while there bring up your new sobriety and the fact that his drinking is not encouraging you to stay sober.

Your mutual suffering can bring you closer as a family as long as you do not take your dh's suffering to be an excuse for you to misbehave. His reaction to his father's passing is his business, not yours. Your business is to maintain sobriety at all costs.
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Old 06-14-2010, 03:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Dreamygal View Post

His dad passed away on Tuesday, now i know, that's hard as hell and i have been supporting him 100% and i love doing so but i got to the point after nearly a week of doing so .. angry.. now that's so not me and i have no idea why i feel this way. Even writing that i feel disgusted with myself .. i feel like his dad may have passed but i am fighting for my life .. hello notice me!!

...

Alcoholics are sensitive people. Well, most of us are. We're also ego-driven, attention hungry, selfish, wonderful people who thrive on others' constantly congratulating us on this spiritual battle we've undertaken.

simply put...when we're not the center of the universe, we tend to get hurt over it. well, the world does not revolve around us...as much as we think it should. we are not the only people fighting for our lives, feeling depression, saddness or pain. we just think we are most days.

that being said, the wonderful little narcissistic beasts that we are....my advise is to check your feelings at the front door and know that he lost a parent and be the person he needs you to be right now, and just be that person....and be sober every minute he needs you to be.

when the dust clears from his loss, you'll still be his wife.

good luck and i'm sorry for his loss. i'll say a prayer.

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Old 06-14-2010, 05:05 AM
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So you aren't drinking? That's awesome!!

That's what most people (don't) do. We want recognition from our spouses, loved ones, friends... and if they are "normies"... it's no big deal to them... you are just acting the way adults should act... not getting drunk all the time, being responsible, accountable. We can't expect them to really know what it's like to be alcoholic, maybe they read it in a book, so how can we expect them to appreciate how hard it is to recover? We can't.

My father died 11 years ago, early at 63, suddenly... that was horrible and it hurt me bad... in some ways it was the very beginning of my slide into alcoholism. My wife was supportive and loving. That's all she could do, it's all I wanted her to do... she didn't understand... it wasn't her dad.

There are lots of people right here who know exactly how you feel. Keep posting!! There is also a great program... AA... where the fellowship end of it is all about getting the support and encouragement we need in sobriety.

Mark
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Old 06-14-2010, 05:18 AM
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I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and congratulate you on not drinking over this. It sounds like you are admitting some hard truths about yourself and that's what recovery is all about. Hang in there, you're still a great wife.

GG
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Old 06-14-2010, 08:24 AM
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but i am fighting for my life .. hello notice me!!
and
but i feel that i am just getting the bad end of the stick.
and
little bit of consideration for my young sobriety would be appreciated .
thats alot about you.
rewind.......didnt the guys dad just pass away?

to be fair you sound abit like me in very early recovery.......total absorbed with me, me, me, and more more.....

No i dont think its right..........but i think its typical of a self centred alkie.
I shuold imagine he had a tough enough time coping with your drinking let alone the death of his father.

suggestion.........look beyond yourself....
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:31 AM
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Guys thank you soooo much ..

Trucker, what you said hit the nail on the head i felt, very selfish of me and i DO need to look beyond myself at this point, while also putting my sobriety first .. wow that sounds hard!! I am English (Newcastle) but i live in the USA, i moved here to be with my husband Thank you for your truthful advice, your amazing!

Yup, i have not drank over anything for the past 24 days, and for today, i will not drink.

I am trying AA and another group atm to see which one fits me better. I like them both and hope to learn learn and learn about myself through these groups!

You guys rock!! Thank you so much to every body who wrote me, i took in every single word you guys said.

I see how selfish i was while in the depths of my disease and i see that i have to change the way i see the world and my husband.... Its like being born again .. its like i went to sleep at 28 and woke up at 33 a different woman, a lot of getting used to!!

Thanks again you guys, your all brill!!
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Old 06-14-2010, 12:42 PM
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Sounds like you both have alot of things going on right now. And even though you need him, sounds like he probably needs you too.

In a way this is your chance to give him back the support he gave you. What good timing that in the midst of your husbands grief and pain, you are able to be the supportive SOBER wife he needs right now.

Sometimes focusing on others can be a good thing. Try to think of it as your chance to shine and be the wife you always wanted to be. Trust me, once hes feeling better he will be so grateful for it and you'll feel good too!

Hang in there
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