Helenlee

At 7.00am tomorrow morning my husband will be released from jail. He served 9 months for driving while disqualified. He's also severed 2 other sentences - 7 months & then 4 months for DUI & DWD during our 8 years together.
Long story short, we have mutually agreed to separate. We still love & care about each other, but are both unable to overcome our issues. We have caused ourselves, each other & our children inestimable harm over the years & we are both finally hurting enough to decide to call it quits. I have been in intensive therapy for co-dependance & childhood abuse for years. My husband still refuses to believe he has a problem.
Tonight I have to write a note for him to leave at the post office tomorrow morning with details of the storage shed I have put his possessions in. I couldn't bear to see him again right now & I think we'd run the risk of getting back together if we did ... we have some very intense chemistry between us.
My question is this: what else should I write in the note besides the necessary information? I'm still very fond of this man & I still care about him. I'm tempted to write ... I don't know ... something like ... I'm so sorry for my part in this disaster .. I wish you all the very best ... I will never forget you ... you'll always have a special place in my heart, good luck with everything, take care of yourself , etc.
I don't want to cause either of us any more unnecessary suffering & I don't want to "lead him on". I have decided as finally as any human can that I'm through with this relationship - not because its want I want, but because I've finally accepted I can't stand the pain of living with an alcoholic any longer, in spite of how addicted to him I am. And I also can't heal my own issues in this relationship. He's at the same place ... he loves me but the horror we have inflicted on each other is too much for him also. (We have no children together & mine are young adults, so that's not an issue.)
So ... any recovered alcoholics out there ... what would you have appreciated in this situation? What words are kind & healing & what would just kindle unfounded hopes of reconciliation?
Thank you in advance for any input

ninja7

Hi, Helen!

I think as long as he does not accept alcoholic, nothing changes the relationship between you. I think it is very good chance for you to refer his alcoholic problem. I like your signature.

hps

Presumably he needs to get sober as a precondition to getting back together (not that this will be sufficient). So the focus should be on sobriety, not on you or the marriage.

His life, with or without you, is going to be a lot better if he gets sober. But when I was drinking, it was hard for me to imagine my life without alcohol. Maybe some other people could manage it, but only because they were in much worse shape (there's always someone), or else they had been brainwashed by the AA cult, or whatever.

So, what might be helpful is to think of some way you can place a seed in his brain that he deserves a better life for himself, that people like him have done it, etc

Helenlee

I spent many years trying to "plant seeds" in his brain ... along with many other "helpful" things. That was part of my disease. Now I'm trying to get "sober" from codependence, so no more focusing on him. I finally get it that his life is his & mine is mine ... & I'm done. My only job is to focus on me & my recovery.
I just want to say goodbye & good luck in a way that conveys genuine care & affection without suggesting the possibility of reconciling.

edited to add: While in jail this time he's stated that alcohol is not the problem & he intends drinking when he's released. He did quit for about 2 years after his first jail time, but fell back into the bottle during a high stress life event.

Chops

Best thing for me and my loved ones when I was actively drinking was that they got away. The manner of separation was irrelevant. Nothing you can do with the exception of leaving can help him get honest with his booze problem. If you are serious about not reconciling then it does not matter what you say or how you do it.

If he is an alcoholic... then by drinking again he has a gun to his head, hurt feelings are a minimal concern so I would not struggle to find kind words. Also when drinking my reality is distorted. So predicting how his brain will process any info his futile. The note in itself may mean to him that you are ready to get back together.

Helenlee

Nothing you can do with the exception of leaving can help him get honest with his booze problem.
Nothing I can do, including leaving, can help him with his booze problem. I'm leaving for me, not him.


If you are serious about not reconciling then it does not matter what you say or how you do it.
You're right. And I'm very suspicious of my motives. It smells suspiciously like codependence in another on of it's many disguises.
I just feel a very strong need to say goodbye to the person I love, rather than write off the alcoholic I became enmeshed with. I feel I need, to honour my own values, to do this with respect & dignity ... in stark contrast to the way we've treated ourselves & each other during the relationship, sadly.

Chops

When I am in active alcoholism I appreciate very little except the next drink and how I will get it, family and friends are a distant second to booze. If the letter is just for you and your honour then move forward without a concern for what he would appreciate. My 2 cents.

ninja7

Well said, Chops. I feel exactly the same.

Norther

When I was active, I cared about others only insofar as they fit in with my drinking plans. If he had to choose between you and the booze, he'd choose the booze. I think you have to walk away cleanly and clean. Your note sounds to me, and will sound to him, like a way of keeping the door open. I thought you meant to close it. You do, don't you?

Helenlee

I wrote it ... short, simple & kind.
I apologized for my part in the ending of our marriage & wished him all the very best for the future.

Obviously he hasn't had a drink for 9 months ... which I'm aware is not quite the same as being sober ... however I don't believe it ever hurts to treat another person with dignity ... drunk, sober, codependent, mentally ill ... whatever.
Do unto others ...

penny74

"I'm leaving for me, not him."

Good choice.
l think you are very brave.
You should think about yourself now.
Wish you strength and wisedom.

ImReadyToQuit

Somebody I know, not really a friend... He did a year for a DUI/hit and run.. He was back in jail 2 days later for getting drunk and threatening to blow up a bar for cutting him off.. Now he's looking at 5 years.

I suspect if your husband plans on drinking immediatly upon release, he'll be right back in jail in no time..

Best of luck to you and your kids! And stay strong!

Peter

Helen. Your post touched me.

I know how it feels to have strong feelings for someone you cannot be with. My sons mother and I are in a similar situation.

There is no easy way to say goodbye. She and I have been "through" so many times before...

.......i think we both understand for sure now that we are no good for each other so when i left that last time no words were even necessary. I just got up and put my shoes on and wnt into the kitchen where she was making dinner and said "I think I'm gonna go home now......." That was all. She didn't even look back. All she said was "Whatever, " and just like that we were done.....

We both know that words complicate things and makes leaving harder.

In many ways I still miss her, but it gets easier everyday........

Helenlee

Thank you to everyone for sharing your EH&S.

ImReadyToQuit - the second time he was released from jail he started drinking on day 2. It was only about a year until he was picked up & went back in this time. It's only by the grace of god that he hasn't killed himself or anyone else. I don't know what he'll do this time & I finally understand the best thing I can do is take care of myself.

Peter - thank you for your kind words They made me feel less alone. Your post touched me in return We have also been "through" a few times before. When I said we'd caused each other inestimable harm I didn't mean we've just called each other a few nasty names! During our 8 years together we've done the whole 9 yards of insane behaviour. We both should have been locked up for our own - & especially for our childrens - safety & sanity. It's been one of those can't live with each other/can't live without each other kinda relationships. There have been lots of times when he's been drinking & things have been really bad that I didn't bother to say anything. It got to the point he would just get in the car & vanish for a few days at a time & I wouldn't even ask where he'd been when he got home. There was no longer any point ...

So ... by now he's a free man once again. I wish him all the very best with everything he does in the future ... but this time, I wish me all the very best for everything I do in the future ... & very sadly, those 2 things are mutually exclusive.