Dee74

It is scary...not only embracing sobriety, but dealing with all the other stuff that sobriety dredges up...I liken it to the tide going out and we find all the driftwood and other junk that we've tried to cover up for so long.

But I've done it...I've stayed sober and I've faced my own personal demons, and the ups and downs of my life....I've grown from it...I've not only survived, I've thrived - to borrow an expression from Carol.

I'm not the only one here who's done that either - and I know you can do it too.
You're not alone CC

D

Freedom1990

The problem with geographic moves while active in alcoholism was I always took me along.

Your story has some similarities with mine.

I was blessed to get sober in 1986, but drank again after 4 years. I was involved in a relationship with someone in AA/NA, and he had gone back to drinking/drugging. I went right down the tubes with him.

Although there have been periods of years where I am the only woman in my AA group, I can honestly say our core group is a caring group of individuals. They are considerate of the fact there is a woman present.

My sponsor is male, and has been my sponsor for almost 20 years now. He has 25 years of sobriety, and he has always been solid in his recovery foundation.

I could not do it on my own. Changing relationships, moving, you name it...none of it worked for me.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Cornczech

Thanks-

I am not so much thinking the move alone will be the action that "allows" me to stop.....I am simply hoping it is a kind of catalyst....I am pretty lazy...especially after work...and I can, today, just go to the store...or the bar......not even a block away....EASY to get beer....I am no longer a bar lounger....I hate people even MORE since that rehab stint in 2009....I think, as Dee pointed out...that I just hate myself more.....
Anyhow......I know I need to do more....but I'll be dam....um.....I will not allow myself to be drugged by another psychiatrist.....a lazy "practitioner" of medicine who gives me the advice to take a brain drug to ALTER my brain.....to change my brain chemistry and how the electrical system in my body works....without even doing anything more than asking me a few questions about my family and my habits, (so I guess I am "mentally Ill" because I am who I am after being raised by two drunks and a schizophrenic.....that I am "insane" because I act a little bizarre from time to time when I have an disease that is NOTORIOUS for causing hormonal imbalances.....)...so as can be seen..I have "issues" with the mental health profession......(remember, over the years, medicine has been proven to be WRONG...and with BAD, BAD results......)

sigh....sorry if that was too long and passionate.....

Freedom1990

I completely understand that. No one ever hated me as bad as I hated myself. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that booze was the only thing that brought me relief.

I never felt a part of, never felt like I fit in anywhere, felt like some sort of 'freak', I was on the outside looking in.

My solution was a loving God, AA, and from time to time I do get into therapy to get help with issues that come to the surface.

As far as psychiatrists, I have suffered from clinical depression most of my life since adolescence. The first time it was suggested to me that perhaps antidepressants might be in order was when I was about 18 months sober and pregnant with my youngest daughter. I was in the psych ward at the time as I had completely broken down and wasn't able to function.

I declined as I didn't want to put anything in my body, especially while pregnant.

I think I was around 5 years sober the second time around, and I sat there one day realizing that the pain of being me was so great that I would have put a gun to my head if I had had one.

Today I have come to accept my clinical depression, and I have come to accept I have skewed brain chemicals that cause it. I am on an antidepressant, and apologize to no one for that. It helps me to live a full and reasonably happy life.

I treat my alcoholism through AA.

I treat my depression through the mental health profession.

I'm glad you've come here and reached out.

That's a hard thing to do.

Cornczech

PLEASE do not take this wrong...but I was given a LOT of drugs in my life...LEGAL ONES, by the way...that messed me up more than ANY illegal drug ever did. I was told I NEEDED these drugs....drugs for my pain.....drugs for my stomach.....hormones......brain drugs...blood thinners....diuretics.....my list can go on and on.....(don't get me started on the useless surgeries I have had in my life that have done MORE DAMAGE than good...)

but....I am not just making excuses here...I know I need help...but there MUST be a way without drugging myself for the rest of my life.....isn't that why I am seeking help right now..... for my taking a chemical into my body?

Brucel

Recovery for me in the beginning was not based on faith in anything but me. I started going to meetings by the way of the courts, and didn't want what you had. Thank you very much. That journey started in 1985. In 2004 I got and stayed sober and the only thing I did different was stop fighting everything and everyone. My way didn't work, I knew that. So I went to meetings with a new attitude. I didn't have to be right. You guys were stayin sober and I wanted that more than being right. I'm still working on staying sober, and I do that by helping others and staying spiritually fit. It's just how I do it. Keep workin on it. It'll come, just read the first three words on page 112 of the BBook and follow those directions and keep coming back. God Bless.

Dee74

I totally see where you're coming from, CC.

I was there too - drugs had destroyed me....most I took myself but doctors and psychs had screwed me over too. I didn't want anything to do with any of them.

But my body betrayed me - I couldn't manage without help.

I've had to come to accept there are some drugs I need to take everyday if I want to be well, productive and happy...I wish I didn't have to, but it is what it is.

Doctors have not always done the best for me, but I know now I have the right to a good quality of life - and I believe competent medical treatment helps me achieve that.

I have to look for that competency sometimes tho...and sometimes for a while until I get the right guy or gal.

My drugs and doctors are for physical issues - my experience may not apply to you - but I wanted to share it here anyway

Things would be simpler in black and white - all drugs are bad, all doctors are quacks - but thats just not the way life works IMO.

D

TTOSBT

I don't think that you need to drug yourself for the rest of your life.
I think a lot of problems will begin to lessen once you stop drinking.
I had trouble sleeping and trouble with anxiety and depression. I have been sober 2 years now. I don't have any of those problems. So, you never know.
You can always see a therapist instead of a psychiatrist. They CAN'T prescribe medication.
I wish you the very best. From what you have said, it sounds that you are best seeing a doctor to detox.
Good luck!

Brucel

Way to go on 24 days. The good thing is that day 25 is the Best!! Stick around for 24 more hours and you'll see. Rule 62 is to not take yourself so seriously. Go to meetings, get a sponsor,enjoy the ride. Cause if you drank or used the way I did and you're sober today, THE MIRICLE HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. God Bless

Freedom1990

You're getting ahead of me here.

I had to address the alcoholism first.

Many people find that the anxieties and depression they suffered during alcoholism do gradually go away in recovery.

I was an extremely anxious person prior to recovery, but the longer I stayed sober, the more it eased up.

It didn't work that way with my depression.

I was just sharing my experience, and wasn't suggesting/implying that you need medication, okay?

Cornczech

got ya, Freedom....

You see...my "mental issues" were there LONG before the alcoholism.....I was an anorexic in HS and college.....I have ALWAYS been an anxious, twitchy person...(who wouldn't be after being raised by 2 alcoholics who abused children and one, my mother, who was a schizophrenic who hallucinated and was violent......then I was a relationship hopper.....(was married a couple of times before I found my current husband who I have been married to 10 years...)...I am sure a LOT of things will get better when I stop drinking...but I am still that basic persona I was BEFORE the drugs and alcohol......
sigh
I cannot be another person....but I know I can learn to live with myself better......

thanks for all ya'lls great advice and responses......

intention

Hi Corn,

You've been to AA before so you know about the steps.

Step 1 is - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable

Step 2 is - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity


All the steps are numbered in order for a reason. There's a reason why the step which talks about a Higher Power is after the step which talks about having absolutely no power whatsoever.

We find that people like you who are firm atheists and really do not believe in anything open their minds once someone has taken them through Step 1 properly. There is much work a sponsor can do with you on Step 1 which can enable you to get to Step 2 with an open mind.

Once you do get to Step 2 a sponsor can also explain to you that coming to believe does not mean that you have faith or have proof that there is a power greater than you. All a belief has to be is that there is a suspiscion that there could be a power greater than yourself.


I would just urge you to put out of your mind at the moment everything that you believe or don't believe and just go to AA with the knowledge that your way of quitting is not working. You can agree with that, can't you?

Alcoholism is a progressive illness. It will just get worse and it kills - your life is at stake here.

I appreciate what you are saying that your mental illness issues were there before alcoholism but you didn't have a spiritual awakening then. Once you have a spiritual awakening from working the steps you may have a better understanding about your mental health or find a new solution for it.

Good luck. Living by the lake sounds wonderful for someone who may be considering taking on a spiritual program. Whatever ideas you may have about what prayer and meditatation is - think it could just be sitting by the lake enjoying the view, listening to the water and the birds without having to think about when you can get your next drink.

Freedom1990

Oh my mental issues were there too before the alcoholism. I needed a drink long before I picked one up!

I wasn't anorexic, but was extremely anxious, shy, and withdrawn.

When I was first introduced to AA, I had to throw out the old concept I had of any God. I was raised in a strict Catholic home where my father was the untreated adult child of two alcoholics, and my mother was a codependent. The only concept I had was of their beliefs and the Catholic church.

What I came to realize as the weeks and months went by in my early recovery was that I viewed the people in AA as my higher power. They had what I wanted, and they obviously knew how to get there.

That was huge for me because I had tremendous trust issues. My walls were up for a long time, but those walls were coming down brick by brick as I continued to participate in my own recovery, and trust that others were guiding me on the right path.

Eventually my concept of a 'higher power' evolved, and still continues to evolve today.

Through sobriety I have come to discover/am still discovering who I am. Prior to recovery I couldn't tell you who I was. I had always defined myself in relation to someone else (ie, a mother, sister, wife, etc).

zbear23

Your take on typical healthcare in this country is IMO pretty accurate. Over 100,000 people DIE in hospitals each year as a result of medical mistakes, very often bad pharmacological choices. And as soon as you are taking more than three drugs, you are probably medicating the side effects of the other drugs. This sort of overdrugging can and does often result in tardive dyskenisia, a parkinson's-like illness that is often irreversible. But you won't read much about THAT in mainstream media.

And, being a clinical social worker, I can tell you honestly that I was horrified during graduate school to observe some of my classmates who would be going into the world to tamper with the psyches of others. It is pretty common for therapists to be working out their own issues on their clients.

All in all...the culture is so rife with insanity, that it has become normal. Sane is from "sanatos" a greek word meaning healthy or whole. Not so much of that going around these days.

While I do believe that certain Rx are at least temporarily useful, such as SSRIs for depression, the best psychiatrist that I have worked with nearly always refuses any meds without regular psychotherapy as well...with the goal of eventually doing away with any need for medication.

I'm not one of those AAs who suggests to newcomers that they throw away their meds....seen too many hospitalizations and suicide attempts to do that. But the quality of pharmacological care is very uncertain, and the drug companies produce a bewildering variety of stuff...much of which has proven to be life threatening despite so called FDA approval.

BTW...it's not just medical "knowledge" that is often proven wrong. Science itself seems to be all about proving that whatever we believed yesterday wasn't true. Gosh darn it....the world is not flat...or is it? As my slogan says....truth is true and nothnig else is. For me that means that none of us probably have a clue. The best I can do is pursue my own spiritual fitness, and AA's steps have helped me a great deal.

BTW...have you read about the Indian Yogi who hasn't had anything to eat or drink for 70 years? They tested him by isolating him in a lab for two weeks, in which he very comfortably did without food or drink of any sort. Makes you kind of wonder, doesn't it?

blessings
zenbear

Cornczech

Just a quick update: I have been a LOT more calm being by the lake.....sleeping better, calmer...no seizure yet....and I normally would drink 4 to 6 beers on my days off.....I only had one yesterday and didn't even CRAVE another....I think I am starting to feel better already. I will be looking for an AA meeting in my new hood soon. I gotta run as I am sneaking this at work and I've patients to see....

thanks agaon, Ya'll!

d(-_-)b

Toronto68

An AA meeting?!! I'm thrilled to hear that. I guess you were debating it in the last few days.