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People in AA who ask for favors

Old 05-26-2010, 11:13 PM
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People in AA who ask for favors

Hi everyone I am new here so hi and thanks for having me.

I have someone in AA who I am driving to meetings and to run errands a few times a week. This person is needy, pushy and self centered with about a month sobriety. They do not have a license or car.

I do not have a lot in common with this person, but being that we are both in AA I could spend time with this person a couple days a week and it not be a big deal. This person calls every day expecting a ride and to hang out. While we get along, there are not really a lot of sparks, and at no point do I feel the friendship that "he is calling me because he really enjoys my company". He is calling because he hates sitting at home , wants to go somewhere, etc. We have some mutual friends in AA. When he doesn't get his way he deals with it by being whiny, laying a guilt trip out, or likely gossiping with another AAer (haven't caught him doing this on me but he does whine about other people in the program to me that don't wipe his chin). I have trouble finding things about this person that I RESPECT. There are many reasons for this but one of the top ones is he refuses to ride his bike or take a bus. I was without my license for over a year and took the bus or rode a bike many times.

I feel that it is my duty to try to get this person to a meeting as often as possible, but no where else unless I want to. I wanted to get some opinions because the relationship is getting dangerously close to the "time to stop answering the phone" point.

This is actually the second time in the program I have had a situation like this happen and it has made me a different person in some respects as far as opening up to people.
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Old 05-26-2010, 11:35 PM
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That sounds like someone l would do my best to avoid.
Just because you are both in AA doesn't give that person the right to "claim" you.
Be strong !
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:10 AM
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Hi and Welcome to SR, maybe time to try and set up some boundaries. Not sure how u going to avoid 'him', rather tell him nicely, you don't mind being there and doing small things for him, but you need your space and are not looking for serious friendships right now. If he still continues, then tell him, he has not respected your wishes and say you are sorry, but you can't continue to help him. Hope something comes right for you. Keep posting.
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:50 AM
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Thats one of the reasons I dont go anymore I have a though time saying no. Seemed like everytime I went someone was wanting to borrow money pawn me something wanting jobs just all type of stuff so I just dont go anymore. I even had some ask me to co-sign for her a car this girl worried me to death even after I said no she had the dealer call me several times at work wanting to stop by and me sign the paper jeez. Im as sick as these people and need help but I was miserable.
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:05 AM
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I was without my license for over a year and took the bus or rode a bike many times.
I was without a car for 6 months and did the same. I would tell him this. Also call him on his reaction and how it doesn't fit with the program. Is he in AA to get better or just to get the court off of his ass?
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:20 AM
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You may want to try to change the focus of your "assistance." I would explain that I feel an obligation to be there for his recovery, but that doesn't include making life's terms easier.

Why don't you tell him that you'll be happy to spend time with him to guide him through the Steps and help him get to meetings, but he'll need to find his own way on the other stuff. It'll be interesting to see how he responds to your offer to help him with the steps, especially if you give him homework whenever you see him<G>.

blessings
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Old 05-27-2010, 04:04 AM
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I have a real life experience for you, i was about a couple of weeks or so in AA and i had been hanging round with this guy he was absolutely insistent that i meet him for coffees everyday which i did, i didnt particularly want to most days but felt obligated to help him...

He would text me at all times so i had to switch my mobile off at night!

Anyways i hadf gotten a sponsor and started to work the steps so that became my main focus and understanding the severity of my situation decided to tell him that i needed to have some more time to myself to work the steps but if he wanted to start working them too and get his own sponsor maybe we could get together and discuss the Big Book each time we meet...you watch them run for cover lol

Remember like always attracts like, start doing something different and changing yourself and these kind of people wont want to even sit next to you...although you might be pleasantly surprised that a few months down the line when they see the change in you they might be asking you for help in a very different way:-)
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Old 05-27-2010, 04:13 AM
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OMG, I could have written something very close to your post.

There is person at my HG that I have given rides to that fits your description. She is disabled and can't drive though. I have gone to pick her up for a meeting and she has had a man at her house whom I did not know, (feels unsafe) and then decided she didn't want to go to the meeting after I sat there for 15 minutes.

She has called me asking me to loan her money, buy her cigarettes, etc.

I have told her each time no. My sponsor said I should cut the cord. She still calls and have answered over the past few days. Pretty much, I can honestly tell you that she only calls when she wants something. It is never to check on me or say hello.

I have issues with setting boundaries with moochers liker her. I am getting to the point where I am just going to ignore her calls though.

She will bad mouth me at the HG, I know though.

I have no advice, I just wanted to commiserate.
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Old 05-27-2010, 04:28 AM
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The rooms of recovery isnt exactly the most stable cross section of society. Remember that. Although the hand of AA is always there, there are many who try to bite it off. Just sayin...
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Old 05-27-2010, 04:39 AM
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Do you have a sponsor?

This is the type of situation I bring to my sponsor. I don't always know what the next right thing to do is, and my sponsor can help me figure that out.

Of course, if you have a good sponsor, they may want to figure out how YOU are being selfish, dishonest, and self-seeking in this situation.
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Old 05-27-2010, 04:45 AM
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This happens in Al Anon as well.
I make friends but keep everyone at arms length because of this. Helping out is great, but not at the expense of my uncomfort.
Though, I have very little problem saying no. It's age, I just don't give a sh&t anymore if people don't like me if I say no.
Just say no
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Old 05-27-2010, 04:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Pagekeeper View Post
Do you have a sponsor?

This is the type of situation I bring to my sponsor. I don't always know what the next right thing to do is, and my sponsor can help me figure that out.

Of course, if you have a good sponsor, they may want to figure out how YOU are being selfish, dishonest, and self-seeking in this situation.
Why is it so popular to find fault in ourselves? We dont need to accept unacceptable behavior just because we used to drink.

ps. good or bad, Sponsers are drunks too....
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Old 05-27-2010, 05:02 AM
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Originally Posted by UniqueNewYork View Post

I have someone in AA who I am driving to meetings and to run errands a few times a week. This person is needy, pushy and self centered with about a month sobriety. They do not have a license or car.

I do not have a lot in common with this person, but being that we are both in AA I could spend time with this person a couple days a week and it not be a big deal. This person calls every day expecting a ride and to hang out. While we get along, there are not really a lot of sparks, and at no point do I feel the friendship that "he is calling me because he really enjoys my company". He is calling because he hates sitting at home , wants to go somewhere, etc. We have some mutual friends in AA. When he doesn't get his way he deals with it by being whiny, laying a guilt trip out, or likely gossiping with another AAer (haven't caught him doing this on me but he does whine about other people in the program to me that don't wipe his chin). I have trouble finding things about this person that I RESPECT. There are many reasons for this but one of the top ones is he refuses to ride his bike or take a bus. I was without my license for over a year and took the bus or rode a bike many times.
I'm betting you have been but make sure you're praying/meditating for some direction. Remember, that selfishness and self-centeredness applies to us as well so I've GOT to take stuff like this to prayer and meditation all the time. I hear a lot of "well, we're not doormats" as an excuse for the person saying it to exercise their own selfishness. Usually, my biggest "issue" when I take something like that to God is that I don't hear the answer I want to hear. Usually what I get back is the harder or less convenient answer. While I believe it's our duty to help, it's a disservice to cosign someone's BS as well. For problems that could easily teeter either way, 'ol HP is really the best source of guidance.
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Old 05-27-2010, 05:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Pagekeeper View Post
Do you have a sponsor?

This is the type of situation I bring to my sponsor. I don't always know what the next right thing to do is, and my sponsor can help me figure that out.

Of course, if you have a good sponsor, they may want to figure out how YOU are being selfish, dishonest, and self-seeking in this situation.
This is a very important point and i am pretty sure we are not talking about blaming ourselves here but could be read as that...

It is crucial that we look at ourselves and understand why we are doing the things we are doing, in this situation why is it that A is bending over backwards to 'help' B when A doesn't really want to...

Is it help that is the driving force or people pleasing or low self esteem...what? Because if we don't look and see are we the selfish one, are we being dishonest with ourselves and maybe the other person, are we desperately seeking approval, are we setting expectations of ourselves that no human being could live up to?l etc then this is sure to keep repeating itself...

I couldn't see the wood for the trees on issues like this and i forgot to add to my previous post that i DID discuss this with my sponsor because i needed someone who was less 'crazy' than me to figure out why the hell i kept getting myself into these scenarios and then getting pissed off at the other person because i had put myself in the same situation again but with a different person!

And, on the sponsor point, lets face it how the hell am i going to look at myself from a detached perspective on any matter...i am human and have feelings and emotions, i can't just objectively turn them all off and have the same view as somebody else?!
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Old 05-28-2010, 12:21 AM
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Welcome to SR and to our Alcoholism Forum...:..

I'm unclear why you are allowing this person
to complicate your life.
Of course he can get places without your assistance.

Are you also new to AA recovery?
Is this your first sponsee?

Anyway....glad you joined us...
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Old 05-28-2010, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by CarolD View Post
Welcome to SR and to our Alcoholism Forum...:..

I'm unclear why you are allowing this person
to complicate your life.
Of course he can get places without your assistance.

Are you also new to AA recovery?
Is this your first sponsee?

Anyway....glad you joined us...
I have 3 months sobriety. Initially I felt peer pressured to meet this person and help them because they live 5-10 minutes from my house. At this point I find this person so annoying that other than to take them to a meeting I will be reluctant to answer the phone. Thankfully through the magic of text messaging I can keep things simple i.e. "Do you want to go to the 8 o clock meeting?"

"Of course he can get places without your assistance."

He would not see it this way.

I want to thank all of you for letting me share on here. At this point I'm really just blowing off steam. I let him know that I was without a license for a year and I did take the bus or ride my bike many times. His predictable response was a string of excuses, followed by a lecture at one point about that I need to show willingness to help other people (He has been in and out of AA for years.. only coming back when he loses everything). I believe he has been conditioned his entire life that doing the bare minimum (or less than the minimum honestly) is ok. I know as an AAer I should never judge another person but his self centeredness wanders into rudeness and while i'm not perfect myself I at least have some drive or desire to be something greater. In summary, I'm done with his BS. I conclude based on some drama that has already started that to tell him off, give him the tough medicine he deserves, whatever you want to call it, would only result in his talking badly of me to the other AAers, so ignoring his calls would be the best course of action.
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Old 05-28-2010, 06:19 PM
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You said something about his talking badly about you to other AAers? Well, it seems to me from the few meetings I attended (not my cup of tea) that most of the people there aren't there to hear any BS that isn't involved with drinking/sobriety/doing the steps. I think that if this person were to start gossiping, there would be more than a couple of members to tell them that this isn't the place for that kind of talk.

**EDIT**
Oh, and isn't gas expensive these days (I don't drive) ? Why not ask him to chip in for gas everytime he calls you up and asks for a ride somewhere. Long ago, I had a schoolmate call me up once then every couple of days then daily for rides to school. When I started asking him for gas money for the week (half a tank's worth), the calls stopped.
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Old 05-28-2010, 06:39 PM
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Finding a relationship in AA is like finding a hotdog in the dumpster. You might find one, but I don't know if I'd eat it. I met people like that when I first started going to meetings and they turned into a resentment because I didn't know how to say NO. I've learned since, besides, your recovery should be the most important thing to you, not his. Service comes when we learn boundaries, and he doesn't seem to have any.
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Old 05-28-2010, 07:50 PM
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Most likely this person has latched onto others before, so the group may already be well aware of his "pattern." I've had a few people do this to me as well, and it's truly miserable. I've found the best thing to do is to decide what I AM willing to do (if anything) and simply tell that person. When they object, just say "I'm sorry." When they object again, repeat "I'm sorry." etc. etc.....keep repeating it politely, just don't back down or get involved in their arguments. You need to put your emotional/mental health first in sobriety.
Just my opinion. Good luck!!!!!!
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Old 05-29-2010, 03:25 AM
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Boundaries!!! otherwise resentment will brew.. then high risk of picking up up a drink..remember you are in AA no 1 to stay sober ..not be someone elses lackie in the name of service!
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