Fell off
 

Okay, so I awoke this morning with a bruised lip (I walked into a door), a friend in my bed and a headache- because I drank last night... I reached out to my therapist over the weekend and left a message because I was starting to drink again and she called last night while I was pretty drunk. I don't really recall what was said. I'm ashamed and realizing I really have to work hard to stay sober, I can't just quit for awhile like I used to. This is nuts- I've been to some AA meetings- I used to be able to stop for periods of time without it being so hard, which I know means I'm that much deeper into addiction.

Fell off???
 

So, get back on. It takes commitment!

Hi Sleepie-

That sounds like quite a night? I'm not being a jerk here (promise), but was it worth it?

How well do you wanna get? How much work are you willing to put into it?

It's your call my friend. When is enough...enough?

Thanks for responding :) No, ultimately it is not worth it- I fear for my health and I see an addictions counselor. I have a big bottle of antabuse that I plan to take as soon as I get the okay from my counselor concerning my other meds as far as interactions. It's hard for me to take it slow- to be okay with saying "So, I worked today, and didn't drink- and that's enough for now"... I used to be a prolific painter while I drank and I know it makes no sense but I no longer paint (I don't enjoy it anymore) and I drink sometimes because I feel I'm not accomplishing anything. Makes no sense, I know.

Even though you woke up and you had all these horrible feelings and the bad situation, I believe you are heading towards the right direction. The reason why I say that, assuming that everything you are saying is true, is that you made an attempt to reach out to your therapist and ultimately you know what you are doing is not healthy and not a life you deserve.

My last time out was my tipping point. I didnt get in trouble nor did anyone even know I was drinking. I managed to just trap myself in my apt. and just go on a 4 day binge, however. Towards the end of that binge, I truly got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm not saying that you should keep drinking and eventually you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired but I think that the wheel is already turning. The seed has already been planted inside you. Now that you know these things, you need to have a solid plan and stick to it. There are many recovery programs out there. I, personally, use AA and I like it and have been sticking to it.

My process has been a few steps forward, and a few back... It hasn't been a clean break but I am actually making progress- but boy when I fall, I fall hard. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and I do tell my therapist everything because I honestly do want to beat this and don't know how. Thank you for the kind words. I really hope I can take the antabuse.

Its a progression sleepie - I found myself falling over worse and worse, more and more often, I'd remember less and less....

I used to play music and write when I was drunk in the early days...I lost those talents completely, for 5 long miserable years, through my drinking....

D

i mean no disrespect at all, so please don't take offense to what i'm gonna say.

...but "I have a big bottle of antabuse that I plan to take as soon as I get the okay from my counselor concerning my other meds as far as interactions??" sounds like a plan with no action.

you have a terrible disease. if you have a bottle of pills that will prevent you from drinking and this disease can take you to the depths of hell that you can only imagine.... why aren't you on the phone 24/7 trying to find out when/if you can take it???!!!??!!

if a cancer patient had a drug that would render the cancer unable to spread, would any sane person put it off for a minute?


geez....the insanity of this disease is so sad. :c020:

btw....what kind of painter were you? i did it for a living for many years is why i ask.

illustrator?
graphic painter?
classicly trained?
abstract?
impressionist?
photo-realistic?

it's rare to find someone who has got the tradional skills with all the CGI going on right now.

Antabuse doesn't prevent you from drinking BD - it's not a magic pill...it will make you very sick if you do tho.

It's right to wait for professional medical advice IMO.
Hope you get in contact with your therapist soon Sleepie.

D

yeah, my bad.... i forgot.....these side effects would never keep me from the bottle.


•Nausea
•Copious Vomiting ( my personal favorite!)
•Sweating
•Thirst
•Throbbing in the Head and Neck
•Throbbing Headache
•Respiratory Difficulty
•Chest Pain
•Palpitations
•Dyspnea
•Hyperventilation
•Tachycardia
•Hypotension
•Syncope
•Marked Uneasiness
•Weakness
•Vertigo
•Blurred Vision
•Confusion

Those are the "mild" symptoms. Severe reactions can include respiratory depression, cardiovascular collapse, myocardial infarction, acute congestive heart failure, unconsciousness, arrhythmias, and convulsions.

:scared:

magic? no...maybe not, but close enough, imo. :grouphug:

I've never taken it - perhaps you have.

I've known many people who've drunk on it.
Sadly, there's often few limits to what an active alcoholic might do to drink.

Getting back on topic - I hope it helps you, Sleepie :)
D

Ummm... Thanks guys. Well, I rely on state funded care at the moment so the shrink- who writes the scripts- is only available once a week- and right now most places are underfunded. So, I don't always have the quickest reply. Repeated calling would do nothing. My counselor, who has nothing to do with the meds- will always call back if I feel I need to speak with her. However, I have no direct contact with the shrink who prescribes the meds. I hope that makes sense. As for my painting, I'll friend you and you can tale a look for yourself.

Recovery takes action, not pills and a therapist. Go to a meeting, get a sponser. Good luck. Thats free....

you're very talented, and i would have said this in a pm, but this is something everyone can benefit from. you said in one of your posts...

"I used to be a prolific painter while I drank and I know it makes no sense but I no longer paint (I don't enjoy it anymore) and I drink sometimes because I feel I'm not accomplishing anything. Makes no sense, I know. "

when i got sober, i felt much the same way. this disease robbed me of the will to be inspired, passionate and down right giddy at times with my own work.

instead, i was unmotivated...i had alot of anger, depression, saddness and fear. most of those emotions only get delt with one of 2 ways. they get turned inward or outward. when i stopped painting, it got turned inward and i got self-destructive because there was so little release of emotion. i felt like i had lost the ability to express myself.

my whole life, i either communicated through a paintbrush or a bottle. when both of those were gone i had no idea what to do.

i had to force myself to paint for awhile. become mechanical and methodical in every aspect until the joy returned. in many ways i had to do almost exactly what they tell you to do in AA when you're not quite sure why you're in a meeting or if you should even be there. just show up. fake it till you make it... and.... if you hang in there, i believe Thoreau prosed it best when he said " If one advances in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”


beautiful work sleepy. hang in there, it will get better. :grouphug:

Don't be too hard on yourself for the fall. (i know firsthand how setbacks/relapses can make one's sense of self-worth plummet)

My personal experience with antabuse: I took it after going thru detox. I started back drinking while I was on it, despite feeling horrible. I don't remember if I finished the prescription. I just remember it was only a mild deterrent for the hunger of my addiction (at that time).

Sounds like the plans you've made so far aren't working out the way you hoped. Sounds like it's time to make some changes and maybe do some more of the stuff that isn't "easy." I'm not saying you've been taking the easy way out......IMO, only a fool would try the road less traveled first. ;)

I used to pray a lot for some willingness.......just a bit of willingness.........to try something different then just another one of my bright ideas. Turned out my prayers DID get answered and that answer got me doing a WHOLE lotta stuff I didn't want to do (go to meetings, take it seriously, try to do what the winners were doing, and try to trust a Higher Power to help me). As most alcoholics are, I'm a control freak and I don't like any solutions that are originated in my egotistical brain. Even the ones that work.....I want to put my own personal spin on them. My experience has taught me that less of my thinking, more listening, and a lot of action that I don't feel like doing has resulted in me being downright happy a lot of the time - even in the face of a lot of problems that just happen in life whether you're in recovery or not. The cool thing is that now I've got some power to not get dragged down so far again if I don't want to.

Had my appointment today- it's all in the clear. So here I go with the Antabuse- please wish me luck?

I hope it helps you, Sleepie - good luck! :)
D

Thank you all for your time and thoughts :) Glad you liked the work, BD!

i implore you to pick up the brush again. talent like yours is tragic to leave idle.