geekorunique

My sponsor has started texting me a lot and checking in with me more than she usually does. I know it's because I have needed her recently but found it hard to admit it. The thing is she asks me how I am feeling...inside myself...and ya know what...I don't have a clue!

I feel empty...I feel sick and I feel scared again. None of which I used to feel when I had a good conscious contact with my Higher Power. I don't want to feel like this any more...but I'm not sure how to get out of it. I don't want to drink but I don't know what it is that I do want.

Background on what's happened in my life recently....

...since last August my Granddads health began to deteriorate and in January we found out he had a brain tumour and he subsequently died four weeks ago. My whole life and moods have been dictated by him and the family for the past few months. I know that it shouldn't have been that way but I couldn't distance myself...I loved him dearly. I totally didn't let step 3 carry me like she kept saying to me to do. I just couldn't sit still long enough to do it and I do feel I've suffered for it. Two weeks before he died my Aunt passed away as well. Plus on the Easter weekend my friends fiancé took his own life.

Since all that I've just felt flat. I'm going to meetings and I'm sharing but my moods are all over the place no matter what I do. I also have the added complication of having a mood disorder. I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia which is a milder form of bipoloar II disorder.

Tonight I feel worried, anxious and on edge. I am at my parents for the weekend and I just want to be home. I want to be alone. And I'm scared that I don't know who I am and I am scared I wont ever know because of my mood disorder. The bad times are outweighing the good right now.

I have so much good in my life, I went on a first date the other night and it went well. My control freak side finds it hard as obviously I don't know what will happen from here but I am managing to calm that in my head! I have a job that I don't particularly like but it's money isn't it. I have amazing friends and a good family.

Just hate feeling this way...hoping that it will pass.

xx

ImReadyToQuit

Thats all ya need to concentrate on

Charmie

no human power dear.
prayer and meditaion.
sending love and prayers your way.
xx.

geekorunique

Thanks guys. I meditated tonight and just said I cannot do this on my own and I'm sick of thinking I can. Just feel like I have gone back a few steps. I thought I had it ya know? Just want that peace of mind back again. Started reading the big book again :-)

Dee74

Do you have a counsellor K?
Grief is often hard for us alkies to negotiate - I know it is for me.

Maybe someone to talk to like that may help?


D

Peter

Months after I got clean/sober I still didn't know how I felt.

Concerned people were always asking me how i felt and inside i felt like screaming....the truth was I just didn't know....numb.....mostly i just felt....tired....

geekorunique

Dee...I haven't been for grief counselling but I do talk to my sponsor a lot. She tries to get me to focus on how I'm feeling in myself but like you Peter I have no idea.

One thing that I feel doesn't help is that I do shift work.

Right now I'm concentrating on the things I can change like my weight, my job and how I handle my finances. Realising other things I cannot change like family and praying for the wisdom to know the difference!

Thanks guys....SR is an invaluable part of my recovery

BullDog777

geekorunique,

hang in there. getting sober is messy. it's supposed to be.

i was all over the place when i got sober. numb, angry, sad, confused, terrified...it took alot of time before my few good minutes stretched into a few good hours and then a few good days and now it's been a few good months.

just keep dumping your feelings to your sponsor, to your friends, to us, just don't let them go inward. it's really lonely that way, and there are so many people who are ready to bend an ear to listen.

geekorunique

I am very guilty of letting things go inward and of building walls....trying to break that habit though it is very unhealthy!

geekorunique

I KNOW how I feel!!!

Well...things are looking up....I've not gone from a low to a complete high but I feel like I am levelling out.

Today was awful...I was fine one minute...tearful the next...all the while having like an inner battle with myself. My manager noticed that I wasn't great and let me leave at 6 so I went to a cafe before I went to a meeting. The past few days I have been praying like mad...I have meditated once....I have said that I can't handle this alone....I am sick of trying.

At the meeting I was sat nodding as one of my close friends shared on her drinking. I wont share anything she said as I fully support that we need to treat in confidence who we see and what we hear but I will just say that lightbulbs went off all over the place. After the meeting we had a chat and I let a lot of stuff out and she confided in me and the fact that she didn't start what she said with "don't tell anyone but...." and I completely trust her. And you know what...I didn't manipulate her to like me or spend time with me lol. All I did was be myself. And even though sometimes I don't really know who I am or where I'm going other people do. I was the last to see I had a problem and sometimes I am the last to see that I am getting better.

I feel lucky and grateful. Thanks to all of you.

No human power Char.....so so right!!!!!