Relapse?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 91
Relapse?
I'm confused. Really, really confused. I'm trying to decide if I'm really an alcoholic or if I was just a alcohol abuser... I'm trying to decide if I can drink normally after all. Maybe this is denial. I really need some honest opinions...
Here's the short recap:
I binge drank in college with friends... but no more than any of my other friends. Then when I graduated, I went through about 5 years of solid alcoholism... drinking every other night (every other because on off-days I was super hung over). This never affected my professional career or relationships, however, I was very shameful that I couldn't seem to stop the pattern of drinking. Then in early 2007 I got prego and quit cold turkey. Once I had baby, I resumed drinking but this time... way less... like 1-2 times a week. After about 2 years, I got prego again. This time I quit drinking and decided to never start again. The reason was that even though I was drinking less frequently, I still binge drank whenever I drank. For instance, I would have like 10 or more every Saturday... but none during the week.
Alcoholism runs in my family. I was told my entire life -ever since I could talk- that I could be an alcoholic as well. My uncle was a major alcoholic who actually drank himself to death. My Dad and my sister are major alcoholics. My Dad used to get DUI's but has quit now. My sister drank all day every day but has also quit now. My sister also got addicted to many other drugs. They are both in AA.
So here I am... I have a 3 month old and a 2.5 year old. I'm a stay at home mom. I'm a runner and super healthy. I've started drinking again. Only this time, I'm finding that I'm satisfied to only drink 1-2 times a week and usually 2 or less beers at a time... usually after I come in from a run while I'm making dinner. I've been doing this for 2 months without escalation. The most I've had at one time was 7 ... only one day. I thought about it and decided I don't like getting drunk anymore and I haven't drank that much since.
Now I'm questioning if I even WANT to drink this often. It's been kinda interesting for me to think I don't WANT to get drunk... and actually drink 1-2 and not drink anymore.
Maybe drinking was more like an obsession than it was ever an addiction with me... where I was told I can't drink all my life and it made me want to even more. Then I was around all this binge drinking in college and I thought that was normal.
Maybe Now, I've "rebooted" myself and matured as an adult and I have a new normal... which is in fact way less drinking and more "normal" by other people's standards.
Honestly, I don't even know what is normal. I've been surrounded by so much disfunction regarding alcohol my whole life, I have no ability to judge. My husband (who doesn't drink except in a blue moon) says he doesn't think I'm an alcoholic. He thinks what I'm doing now is fine. All my friends from college still drink. They are all professionals with great careers now and they all still drink. I don't hang out with them anymore because I live in a different city now, but nonetheless, they drink... However, on the other hand, maybe I found myself a bunch of functional alcoholics in college to hang out with.
Or maybe this is just denial. Maybe I'm tricking myself. Maybe I'll start to escalate one day and I'll eventually get back to drinking all the time. I'm so confused.
I will say this, though... I don't seem to have the same "pull" to binge drink that I did before. I can stop at 1 or 2. I can go days or even a week without even thinking about drinking. I've been writing all this down in my calendar. I keep track of my running so I figured I might as well keep track of drinking too so that I can see patterns.
Here's an example: I'll drink 1 beer on two nights in a row, then go 6 days without drinking anything, then drink 4 beers in a night, then go 4 days and drink 1 beer, then go 4 days and drink 2 beers, etc., etc. When I do "crave" it, I usually seem to be satisfied with just 1-2. I "crave" it when I want to relax sometimes at night before bed. For two months, I've been averaging less than 10 beers a week.
The truth is... I don't do anything fun anymore. I have 2 babies and a husband who is constantly on the internet playing games. We have no babysitters and no money to do anything fun. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my only company is the TV. But even that isn't what it used to be because I have to pause frequently because of the babies... it could take me 2.5 hours just to watch one hour long show. I do belong to a running group which has been the best thing in my life... it keeps me sane and balanced in spite of all this.
Am I just asking for trouble? Has anyone else done this and had it backfire?
Here's the short recap:
I binge drank in college with friends... but no more than any of my other friends. Then when I graduated, I went through about 5 years of solid alcoholism... drinking every other night (every other because on off-days I was super hung over). This never affected my professional career or relationships, however, I was very shameful that I couldn't seem to stop the pattern of drinking. Then in early 2007 I got prego and quit cold turkey. Once I had baby, I resumed drinking but this time... way less... like 1-2 times a week. After about 2 years, I got prego again. This time I quit drinking and decided to never start again. The reason was that even though I was drinking less frequently, I still binge drank whenever I drank. For instance, I would have like 10 or more every Saturday... but none during the week.
Alcoholism runs in my family. I was told my entire life -ever since I could talk- that I could be an alcoholic as well. My uncle was a major alcoholic who actually drank himself to death. My Dad and my sister are major alcoholics. My Dad used to get DUI's but has quit now. My sister drank all day every day but has also quit now. My sister also got addicted to many other drugs. They are both in AA.
So here I am... I have a 3 month old and a 2.5 year old. I'm a stay at home mom. I'm a runner and super healthy. I've started drinking again. Only this time, I'm finding that I'm satisfied to only drink 1-2 times a week and usually 2 or less beers at a time... usually after I come in from a run while I'm making dinner. I've been doing this for 2 months without escalation. The most I've had at one time was 7 ... only one day. I thought about it and decided I don't like getting drunk anymore and I haven't drank that much since.
Now I'm questioning if I even WANT to drink this often. It's been kinda interesting for me to think I don't WANT to get drunk... and actually drink 1-2 and not drink anymore.
Maybe drinking was more like an obsession than it was ever an addiction with me... where I was told I can't drink all my life and it made me want to even more. Then I was around all this binge drinking in college and I thought that was normal.
Maybe Now, I've "rebooted" myself and matured as an adult and I have a new normal... which is in fact way less drinking and more "normal" by other people's standards.
Honestly, I don't even know what is normal. I've been surrounded by so much disfunction regarding alcohol my whole life, I have no ability to judge. My husband (who doesn't drink except in a blue moon) says he doesn't think I'm an alcoholic. He thinks what I'm doing now is fine. All my friends from college still drink. They are all professionals with great careers now and they all still drink. I don't hang out with them anymore because I live in a different city now, but nonetheless, they drink... However, on the other hand, maybe I found myself a bunch of functional alcoholics in college to hang out with.
Or maybe this is just denial. Maybe I'm tricking myself. Maybe I'll start to escalate one day and I'll eventually get back to drinking all the time. I'm so confused.
I will say this, though... I don't seem to have the same "pull" to binge drink that I did before. I can stop at 1 or 2. I can go days or even a week without even thinking about drinking. I've been writing all this down in my calendar. I keep track of my running so I figured I might as well keep track of drinking too so that I can see patterns.
Here's an example: I'll drink 1 beer on two nights in a row, then go 6 days without drinking anything, then drink 4 beers in a night, then go 4 days and drink 1 beer, then go 4 days and drink 2 beers, etc., etc. When I do "crave" it, I usually seem to be satisfied with just 1-2. I "crave" it when I want to relax sometimes at night before bed. For two months, I've been averaging less than 10 beers a week.
The truth is... I don't do anything fun anymore. I have 2 babies and a husband who is constantly on the internet playing games. We have no babysitters and no money to do anything fun. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my only company is the TV. But even that isn't what it used to be because I have to pause frequently because of the babies... it could take me 2.5 hours just to watch one hour long show. I do belong to a running group which has been the best thing in my life... it keeps me sane and balanced in spite of all this.
Am I just asking for trouble? Has anyone else done this and had it backfire?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Recovering alcoholic here. All I would ask after reading how obsessed you are about your drinking is... is it worth it?
End of the day whether you are or are not an alcoholic it seems that the obsession about alcohol has taken over, I just dont see how a couple of beers is worth all of that trouble.
Definitions are meaningless in this regard, its all about how it is affecting you.
Take Care,
NB
End of the day whether you are or are not an alcoholic it seems that the obsession about alcohol has taken over, I just dont see how a couple of beers is worth all of that trouble.
Definitions are meaningless in this regard, its all about how it is affecting you.
Take Care,
NB
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
My life became MUCH less complicated once I got sober.
I wish ya the best, I sure as heck don't miss all that obsession!!
I grew up in a house with drinkers, I even STILL remember how much their breath stank when they'd put me to bed. Weird little factoid, but one of a few childhood memories I have.
I wish ya the best, I sure as heck don't miss all that obsession!!
I grew up in a house with drinkers, I even STILL remember how much their breath stank when they'd put me to bed. Weird little factoid, but one of a few childhood memories I have.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi LBW,
I've decided that if drinking causes a person concern, drinking is probably a problem. "Normal drinkers" whatever that is, don't concern themselves with when they drink or how much they drink. They just drink! If a normal drinker happens to drink a little too much and have a bad experience, they tend not to drink again for a period of time.
I found this helpful to me. When I read this, it was obvious to me what I had to do. From the Big Book, chapter 3, More About Alcoholism:
"If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year. If he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there is scant chance of success."
When I read this, I got my answer. All the other stuff doesn't matter. Binge drinking, light or heavy drinking, what I drank, when, who with etc., none of that matters. If drinking causes concerns, drinking is a problem.
I've decided that if drinking causes a person concern, drinking is probably a problem. "Normal drinkers" whatever that is, don't concern themselves with when they drink or how much they drink. They just drink! If a normal drinker happens to drink a little too much and have a bad experience, they tend not to drink again for a period of time.
I found this helpful to me. When I read this, it was obvious to me what I had to do. From the Big Book, chapter 3, More About Alcoholism:
"If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year. If he is a real alcoholic and very far advanced, there is scant chance of success."
When I read this, I got my answer. All the other stuff doesn't matter. Binge drinking, light or heavy drinking, what I drank, when, who with etc., none of that matters. If drinking causes concerns, drinking is a problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 91
That's true. I continue to be obsessed because I worry that I'm not normal. I'm obsessing over being normal. The AMA says no more than 7 drinks a week and no more than 3 at a time is normal.
Is it worth it? Hmmm. I don't know. There still seems to be some part of my brain that thinks drinking relaxes me and puts me in a better mood. I'm starting to think I don't even have to get drunk, I can be satisfied to only have 1-2.
But the question is why do I even need that? I guess when I think about cutting it out all together, I just look at the rest of my life and I think I have nothing fun. I've cut out eating anything unhealthy so I can get back down to my pre-prego super fit weight. I'm only 5 pounds away from my goal. I do nothing fun. I've been telling myself that a little drink here or there is a treat for all my hard work. I shouldn't be thinking of it as a treat, huh? What's wrong with me?
I can hear myself and I think I sound abnormal... I just wonder if I would be "normal" if I had grown up in a normal drinking family. My family has struggled with my Dad and Sister's alcoholism for so long though.
Is it worth it? Hmmm. I don't know. There still seems to be some part of my brain that thinks drinking relaxes me and puts me in a better mood. I'm starting to think I don't even have to get drunk, I can be satisfied to only have 1-2.
But the question is why do I even need that? I guess when I think about cutting it out all together, I just look at the rest of my life and I think I have nothing fun. I've cut out eating anything unhealthy so I can get back down to my pre-prego super fit weight. I'm only 5 pounds away from my goal. I do nothing fun. I've been telling myself that a little drink here or there is a treat for all my hard work. I shouldn't be thinking of it as a treat, huh? What's wrong with me?
I can hear myself and I think I sound abnormal... I just wonder if I would be "normal" if I had grown up in a normal drinking family. My family has struggled with my Dad and Sister's alcoholism for so long though.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi LBW - Welcome to SR!! Only you can really know how much of a problem alcohol is in your life, but I would definitely be wary since alcoholism runs in your family. I started off pretty much the same way you did and didn't really develop a problem with it until I was well into my 30's (also when I was a stay at home mom, with a husband who would come home and watch movies all night, no money, etc). So even though you may not have serious consequences from it right now, you're smart to look at it and see if might be growing into a problem.
I don't know if this helps, but if you can relate to any of the following "symptoms," you could already be in the early stages of alcoholism.
Alcoholism symptoms include:
*Being unable to limit the amount of alcohol you drink
*Feeling a strong need or compulsion to drink
*Developing tolerance to alcohol so that you need an increasing amounts to feel its effects
*Having legal problems or problems with relationships, employment or finances due to drinking
*Drinking alone or in secret
*Experiencing physical withdrawal symptoms — such as nausea, sweating and shaking — when you don't drink
*Not remembering conversations or commitments, sometimes referred to as "blacking out"
*Making a ritual of having drinks at certain times and becoming annoyed when this ritual is disturbed or questioned
*Losing interest in activities and hobbies that used to bring you pleasure
*Irritability when your usual drinking time nears, especially if alcohol isn't available
*Keeping alcohol in unlikely places at home, at work or in your car
*Gulping drinks, ordering doubles, becoming intoxicated intentionally to feel good or drinking to feel "normal"
(Mayo clinic)
I don't know if this helps, but if you can relate to any of the following "symptoms," you could already be in the early stages of alcoholism.
Alcoholism symptoms include:
*Being unable to limit the amount of alcohol you drink
*Feeling a strong need or compulsion to drink
*Developing tolerance to alcohol so that you need an increasing amounts to feel its effects
*Having legal problems or problems with relationships, employment or finances due to drinking
*Drinking alone or in secret
*Experiencing physical withdrawal symptoms — such as nausea, sweating and shaking — when you don't drink
*Not remembering conversations or commitments, sometimes referred to as "blacking out"
*Making a ritual of having drinks at certain times and becoming annoyed when this ritual is disturbed or questioned
*Losing interest in activities and hobbies that used to bring you pleasure
*Irritability when your usual drinking time nears, especially if alcohol isn't available
*Keeping alcohol in unlikely places at home, at work or in your car
*Gulping drinks, ordering doubles, becoming intoxicated intentionally to feel good or drinking to feel "normal"
(Mayo clinic)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 91
My relationship with alcohol has been one of confusion and "struggle for normal" my whole life. My Dad quit when I was 5 and resumed again when I was 18. From the ages of 6 until 18, no one in my family drank around me. It was drilled into my head that I would probably be an alcoholic too. That I wouldn't be able to quit once I started. I grew up thinking that normal people didn't drink at all... only sick ones.
Then I went to college and found all these normal, successful, smart people who drank alot. I joined them.
I've never had the problems of my Dad and Sister. Maybe if I keep drinking, it's only a matter of time before I would though.
I look at my husband as a person who is "normal"... he just doesn't think about drinking. If it's around, sure, he might have one. He's been even known to get drunk... but like for instance, whenever I have gotten prego and I stopped drinking, he did too without much thought. I don't think I'm like that... but am I not like him only because of my history, like how I was raised and all the struggles my family has had?
Ya'll are right... the fact that I'm obsessing about it is probably my answer.
Then I went to college and found all these normal, successful, smart people who drank alot. I joined them.
I've never had the problems of my Dad and Sister. Maybe if I keep drinking, it's only a matter of time before I would though.
I look at my husband as a person who is "normal"... he just doesn't think about drinking. If it's around, sure, he might have one. He's been even known to get drunk... but like for instance, whenever I have gotten prego and I stopped drinking, he did too without much thought. I don't think I'm like that... but am I not like him only because of my history, like how I was raised and all the struggles my family has had?
Ya'll are right... the fact that I'm obsessing about it is probably my answer.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Did you ever think that the people of the AMA who wrote what you quoted might be justifying their own insanity?? Who the hell cares what the AMA says anyway? How do you feel about your drinking? Does it bother you that you can't or won't drink the way you really want to drink? Fun......fun is an inside job. You can make hitting yourself on the head with a hammer fun if that's what you choose to do.
Maybe the solution is for you to just drink. Drink to your heart's content. Get the kids a babysitter and really get sh1tfaced, throw up, crap your pants and really an a$$ out of yourself and see how that feels. If you're an alcoholic, all that will probably happen anyway. Plan it and carry it out. Don't waste any time with this "what if" stuff. Go for it girl.
Maybe the solution is for you to just drink. Drink to your heart's content. Get the kids a babysitter and really get sh1tfaced, throw up, crap your pants and really an a$$ out of yourself and see how that feels. If you're an alcoholic, all that will probably happen anyway. Plan it and carry it out. Don't waste any time with this "what if" stuff. Go for it girl.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 91
Artsoul,
Prior to becoming prego with my first child, I would have fit most of those criteria... except the legal or relationship trouble, or of keeping alcohol in unusual places.
It's been less and less since then. I really, I guess, obsess over not drinking too much anymore.
Is it worth it? that's the question that NewBeginning asks that I will need to continue to think about.
At this point, I'm sitting here thinking that drinking is my fun. I would even be willing to cut it down to once a month...as long as I could still go out once a month and do something fun and drink. Could I stick to only once a month? I don't know.
When I think about giving it up all together right now, I feel depressed. My life is so NOT fun right now. I have no friends in this city, no one to hang out with... no one to talk to. And even if I did... I have no time to do it. I think I'd be willing to give beer up all together in exchange for a spa day once a month... or maybe if I could go shopping for new clothes once in a while. Right now, I've got nothing. I can't do anything!! No money, no time. I don't even have the ability right now in my life to take a hot bath by myself. I'm surrounded by babies constantly. Could it be that I'm depressed? I've never been to a conselor or anything.... never been on anti-depressants... I don't want to become lazy or ruin my drive to run.
Ugh! I feel so conflicted right now.
Prior to becoming prego with my first child, I would have fit most of those criteria... except the legal or relationship trouble, or of keeping alcohol in unusual places.
It's been less and less since then. I really, I guess, obsess over not drinking too much anymore.
Is it worth it? that's the question that NewBeginning asks that I will need to continue to think about.
At this point, I'm sitting here thinking that drinking is my fun. I would even be willing to cut it down to once a month...as long as I could still go out once a month and do something fun and drink. Could I stick to only once a month? I don't know.
When I think about giving it up all together right now, I feel depressed. My life is so NOT fun right now. I have no friends in this city, no one to hang out with... no one to talk to. And even if I did... I have no time to do it. I think I'd be willing to give beer up all together in exchange for a spa day once a month... or maybe if I could go shopping for new clothes once in a while. Right now, I've got nothing. I can't do anything!! No money, no time. I don't even have the ability right now in my life to take a hot bath by myself. I'm surrounded by babies constantly. Could it be that I'm depressed? I've never been to a conselor or anything.... never been on anti-depressants... I don't want to become lazy or ruin my drive to run.
Ugh! I feel so conflicted right now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: NE
Posts: 69
it sounds like right now you choose to not have fun, when you truly hit bottom it is not a choice, you will lose everything and then just having a floor to sleep at is a leisure. I had to get to that bottom to realize that just being able to go outside and stand in the rain alone is a treat.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 91
Catkill,
The thing I'm struggling with right now is whether or not I am destined to hit that rock bottom. Some people drink their whole lives in a "normal" way and never have any problems, never hit rock bottom. Some people drink alot in college or when they are young and then grow up and become light drinkers.
Maybe I'm one of those people... Or maybe I'm an alcoholic who is desperately trying to find an equation that works so that I can continue to drink. I'm really doing some soul searching on this one.
I'm honestly inclined to believe I'm the latter. I'm just really good at meeting goals. I'm a marathon runner for heaven's sake. I've got two degrees from a top university. I excelled in my career before taking time off to raise my kids. I've never had a goal I haven't reached.
And here I am trying to figure out a way to succeed at this drinking thing. LOL Alcoholism is pathetic, isn't it?
Still, as I progress down this path of thinking, I'm inclined to ask... if I suceed at only drinking within certain limits, is it ok to drink? Which brings me back to ... If I have to think about it so much to make sure I'm within normal limits, is it worth it? hmmm...
I'm just thinking outloud here...
The thing I'm struggling with right now is whether or not I am destined to hit that rock bottom. Some people drink their whole lives in a "normal" way and never have any problems, never hit rock bottom. Some people drink alot in college or when they are young and then grow up and become light drinkers.
Maybe I'm one of those people... Or maybe I'm an alcoholic who is desperately trying to find an equation that works so that I can continue to drink. I'm really doing some soul searching on this one.
I'm honestly inclined to believe I'm the latter. I'm just really good at meeting goals. I'm a marathon runner for heaven's sake. I've got two degrees from a top university. I excelled in my career before taking time off to raise my kids. I've never had a goal I haven't reached.
And here I am trying to figure out a way to succeed at this drinking thing. LOL Alcoholism is pathetic, isn't it?
Still, as I progress down this path of thinking, I'm inclined to ask... if I suceed at only drinking within certain limits, is it ok to drink? Which brings me back to ... If I have to think about it so much to make sure I'm within normal limits, is it worth it? hmmm...
I'm just thinking outloud here...
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Sometimes it helps to go back and read old posts.. to really remember what brought us 'here', what kept us coming back 'here', and why it's so helpful to have this support. You posted this, just a few months ago:
What WOULD your rock bottom be?
With all due respect.. we UNDERSTAND how hard this is, seriously. I hope you find some peace with yourself soon, and happiness as well. It's bumpy road this addiction stuff, but it can lead to a better life in sobriety than you even think you'll have, I promise!
I am 17 weeks pregnant right now. My husband was drinking beer while watching football. I was having a great day. I was happy. I figured I could drink 1, maybe 2, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. I mean, those European women drink wine while prego, right? The problem is if I have 1, then I have 13. I am powerless when I have even one sip… even when I have a supreme reason to have power over this. I think I intentially did not consider that when I decided to drink. What did I do? I got my unborn baby drunk. I think I had 10 but I'm not quite sure because I was hiding the evidence of how many I drank from my husband. To make matter worse, I drunk called my grandmother and another friend. My grandmother called my mother… my mother calls me and knew instantly how drunk I was.
So here I am. I am disgusted with myself. I feel like the MOST horrible person in the world right now. I have never drank while pregnant before and I will never again, but none of that matters anymore because I did this time. I hope I didn't damage this baby.
So here I am. I am disgusted with myself. I feel like the MOST horrible person in the world right now. I have never drank while pregnant before and I will never again, but none of that matters anymore because I did this time. I hope I didn't damage this baby.
With all due respect.. we UNDERSTAND how hard this is, seriously. I hope you find some peace with yourself soon, and happiness as well. It's bumpy road this addiction stuff, but it can lead to a better life in sobriety than you even think you'll have, I promise!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Yep, as Smacked just showed you we tend to post very honestly when we have recently gone through big challenges/failures. Dont feel guilty as we all came here struggling with this beast and with a ton of baggage related to alcoholism.
It looks like you are still struggling to "outsmart" alcoholism. It might be a good time to take action & get some face to face support.
Again, we have all been there & are here to help you. You can do this, take care.
It looks like you are still struggling to "outsmart" alcoholism. It might be a good time to take action & get some face to face support.
Again, we have all been there & are here to help you. You can do this, take care.
Originally Posted by LBW 
I'm so glad I joined this site. I want you all to know how much I really appreciate all the wisdom and information provided to me in response to my threads and others. It's all given me so much to think about. I have been really introspective this last week, thinking in depth about how I got here, what false thinking patterns I've developed over the years of drinking, what new thinking patterns I need to cultivate in order to change my life going forward, etc.
Prior to the recent "incident" where I got drunk, I had gone 3 1/2 months without drinking because of my pregnancy. Prior to that I had maintained a "Saturday's only" drinking schedule for about a year and a half... which I was only able to manage as long as I kept myself busy every weeknight by meeting my running group or going to the gym. (Of course, Saturdays were drunk fests). It was an all consuming constant effort to only drink on the weekends. I had to spend 6 days of non-fun before I could reward myself. I was living for Saturdays. I was actually proud of myself. Ha! I guess it was an improvement from the days of getting bombed every other night...
I had an "ah ha" moment this week during all this introspection in which it was suggested to me that during all this success in suppressing my alcoholism I was actually a DRY DRUNK. I had heard this term before and I had applied it to my Dad when he quit drinking... but I had never thought of myself in this way.
I was a dry drunk because during the times of quitting or not drinking, in my mind, I was only not drinking for a brief time. I have never in my life, before now, entertained the concept of NEVER drinking again. Just that concept has opened up a lot of new emotions I need to deal with.
My sister always refers to her eating disorder as Ed, as if it was a real person. She says “Oh, Ed is really getting on my nerves today…” I always thought that was funny but now I think I understand it.
Now that I’ve decided to never drink again, I hear this panicked voice in my head saying things like “maybe you’re not that bad of an alcoholic and you can just continue to live with it” , “maybe you’re being over dramatic”, “maybe you can just drink every OTHER Saturday and that will fix your problem” … When I walk into a restaurant and I see the people drinking in the bar area, I hear the voice remind me of how fun that is... When I watch football, I hear the voice remind me of all the great times I had drinking beer while watching.... Heck, even when I look at people who I don’t know walking around, that freaking voice ponders that that person probably drinks every weekend.
The breakthrough is that this voice used to be MY voice… but now I’m starting to recognize it’s not me, it’s my disease talking to me. Ha, ha! I think this is so pivotal in defeating it. I figured out that I have been brainwashed by this voice for the last 15 years. It has been talking to me all this time and I have just listened to it without challenging what it was telling me.
When I quit smoking, whenever I looked at someone having a cigarette and I would think how nice it would be to do the same, I would immediately replace that thought with the thought of hacking up brown mucus. I’d tell myself how much I hated the smell too. Now, three years later, you’d think I’d never had a cigarette, I hate them that much. It’s going to be much, much, MUCH harder with alcohol, but I think I can apply the same principle.
You know, whenever, I think about not drinking again, I hear the voice get panicked…. But I actually FEEL relieved. It’s relieving to think I won’t experience waking up in the morning trying to remember what I said and did the night before… and then feeling horribly hung over all day… and full of guilt and shame for days, weeks, or even years afterward because of something I did. It feels like the pressure is off too… trying to control the circumstances and days of my drinking took a lot of energy.
What a chess game I was trying to play, trying to outsmart alcoholism while continuing to drink!! I may be intelligent, but I’m not THAT intelligent. The truth is the only way to win against this opponent is not to play the game. Shut up, voice! I now know that what you have been telling me are lies. I can be happy without alcohol. From now on, I will confront you for the liar you are each time you even attempt to talk to me.
Prior to the recent "incident" where I got drunk, I had gone 3 1/2 months without drinking because of my pregnancy. Prior to that I had maintained a "Saturday's only" drinking schedule for about a year and a half... which I was only able to manage as long as I kept myself busy every weeknight by meeting my running group or going to the gym. (Of course, Saturdays were drunk fests). It was an all consuming constant effort to only drink on the weekends. I had to spend 6 days of non-fun before I could reward myself. I was living for Saturdays. I was actually proud of myself. Ha! I guess it was an improvement from the days of getting bombed every other night...
I had an "ah ha" moment this week during all this introspection in which it was suggested to me that during all this success in suppressing my alcoholism I was actually a DRY DRUNK. I had heard this term before and I had applied it to my Dad when he quit drinking... but I had never thought of myself in this way.
I was a dry drunk because during the times of quitting or not drinking, in my mind, I was only not drinking for a brief time. I have never in my life, before now, entertained the concept of NEVER drinking again. Just that concept has opened up a lot of new emotions I need to deal with.
My sister always refers to her eating disorder as Ed, as if it was a real person. She says “Oh, Ed is really getting on my nerves today…” I always thought that was funny but now I think I understand it.
Now that I’ve decided to never drink again, I hear this panicked voice in my head saying things like “maybe you’re not that bad of an alcoholic and you can just continue to live with it” , “maybe you’re being over dramatic”, “maybe you can just drink every OTHER Saturday and that will fix your problem” … When I walk into a restaurant and I see the people drinking in the bar area, I hear the voice remind me of how fun that is... When I watch football, I hear the voice remind me of all the great times I had drinking beer while watching.... Heck, even when I look at people who I don’t know walking around, that freaking voice ponders that that person probably drinks every weekend.
The breakthrough is that this voice used to be MY voice… but now I’m starting to recognize it’s not me, it’s my disease talking to me. Ha, ha! I think this is so pivotal in defeating it. I figured out that I have been brainwashed by this voice for the last 15 years. It has been talking to me all this time and I have just listened to it without challenging what it was telling me.
When I quit smoking, whenever I looked at someone having a cigarette and I would think how nice it would be to do the same, I would immediately replace that thought with the thought of hacking up brown mucus. I’d tell myself how much I hated the smell too. Now, three years later, you’d think I’d never had a cigarette, I hate them that much. It’s going to be much, much, MUCH harder with alcohol, but I think I can apply the same principle.
You know, whenever, I think about not drinking again, I hear the voice get panicked…. But I actually FEEL relieved. It’s relieving to think I won’t experience waking up in the morning trying to remember what I said and did the night before… and then feeling horribly hung over all day… and full of guilt and shame for days, weeks, or even years afterward because of something I did. It feels like the pressure is off too… trying to control the circumstances and days of my drinking took a lot of energy.
What a chess game I was trying to play, trying to outsmart alcoholism while continuing to drink!! I may be intelligent, but I’m not THAT intelligent. The truth is the only way to win against this opponent is not to play the game. Shut up, voice! I now know that what you have been telling me are lies. I can be happy without alcohol. From now on, I will confront you for the liar you are each time you even attempt to talk to me.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Originally Posted by LBW
When I think about giving it up all together right now, I feel depressed. My life is so NOT fun right now. I have no friends in this city, no one to hang out with... no one to talk to. And even if I did... I have no time to do it. I think I'd be willing to give beer up all together in exchange for a spa day once a month... or maybe if I could go shopping for new clothes once in a while. Right now, I've got nothing. I can't do anything!! No money, no time. I don't even have the ability right now in my life to take a hot bath by myself. I'm surrounded by babies constantly. Could it be that I'm depressed? I've never been to a conselor or anything.... never been on anti-depressants... I don't want to become lazy or ruin my drive to run.
Ugh! I feel so conflicted right now.
Ugh! I feel so conflicted right now.
I think you may have a really good idea when you mentioned seeing someone about depression. I believe I had depression before I started drinking and wonder what would have happened if I had been treated for that before alcohol became my medicine. The thing is, an anti-depressant won't work if you're drinking (alcohol creates depression, too). And if you recognize that your life is starting to revolve around drinking/not drinking, then it's obviously best to quit.
p.s. Hey - you can PM me anytime, OK?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I think I told you the story of how I quit when I found out I had high blood pressure.
I would ride my bicycle twice a week. Soon I was drinking once a week after riding my bike. 3 to 6 beers. Next I was drinking twice a week after riding my bike. That was probably always at least 6 beers.. By the end of the summer I was riding my bike almost every night and I somehow felt it was alright to drink because I was riding 12 miles every evening. I was in control when I first started, but by the end of summer control was out the window. And I ignored that it was happening.That was over 11 years ago, and I never regained control until I quit a year ago last march.
I feel you are also in danger of loosing control and picking up where you left off. It might take a few months, or a year, but I feel it will happen.
Think of one of your children seeing you drunk in a few years, and you are embarrassed to no end. Why wouldn't you want to head that off at the pass now? Maybe because an alcoholic mind is telling you it's OK.
I sure do wish I would have stopped when I was your age, but I don't think I could have because I wasn't done with it. There is a lot of truth to that (being done with it). Because if deep down you still want to drink, you probably aren't going to stop until you are completely fed up with it.
Just my opinion.
Fred
I would ride my bicycle twice a week. Soon I was drinking once a week after riding my bike. 3 to 6 beers. Next I was drinking twice a week after riding my bike. That was probably always at least 6 beers.. By the end of the summer I was riding my bike almost every night and I somehow felt it was alright to drink because I was riding 12 miles every evening. I was in control when I first started, but by the end of summer control was out the window. And I ignored that it was happening.That was over 11 years ago, and I never regained control until I quit a year ago last march.
I feel you are also in danger of loosing control and picking up where you left off. It might take a few months, or a year, but I feel it will happen.
Think of one of your children seeing you drunk in a few years, and you are embarrassed to no end. Why wouldn't you want to head that off at the pass now? Maybe because an alcoholic mind is telling you it's OK.
I sure do wish I would have stopped when I was your age, but I don't think I could have because I wasn't done with it. There is a lot of truth to that (being done with it). Because if deep down you still want to drink, you probably aren't going to stop until you are completely fed up with it.
Just my opinion.
Fred
April 18, 2010
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,117
Hi LBW -- your struggle sounds difficult and I hear you. I spent the last couple of years mostly telling myself I could control my drinking and that the problems of my college years and mid-20s were over, just because I was drinking much less and the repercussions weren't regularly horrific. However, I have now quit and want to continue to abstain permanently; the obsession factor is a huge part of my decision.
You say: "The truth is... I don't do anything fun anymore. I have 2 babies and a husband who is constantly on the internet playing games. We have no babysitters and no money to do anything fun. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my only company is the TV. But even that isn't what it used to be because I have to pause frequently because of the babies... it could take me 2.5 hours just to watch one hour long show. I do belong to a running group which has been the best thing in my life... it keeps me sane and balanced in spite of all this."
It sounds to me like you are struggling with some loneliness, and I empathize. It sounds cheesy, but I do think it's true that for some of us alcohol was "a friend" -- a total b**** most of the time, but a friend. So, I hope in addition to whatever you decide about drinking, you find ways to balm the boredom/loneliness. I don't have children, but I know how much being broke can lead to boredom and how much it can seem like an obstacle to enjoying oneself. Still, there can be joy in the little, simple things-- but I realize you need TIME to enjoy these things. Is there a co-op babysitting group in your area, or another mother with whom you could get friendly? Can you talk to your husband about how you're feeling and get him to help out a bit more? I don't know much about your situation, but it seems like alcohol is filling a spot that might be better filled otherwise.
You say: "The truth is... I don't do anything fun anymore. I have 2 babies and a husband who is constantly on the internet playing games. We have no babysitters and no money to do anything fun. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my only company is the TV. But even that isn't what it used to be because I have to pause frequently because of the babies... it could take me 2.5 hours just to watch one hour long show. I do belong to a running group which has been the best thing in my life... it keeps me sane and balanced in spite of all this."
It sounds to me like you are struggling with some loneliness, and I empathize. It sounds cheesy, but I do think it's true that for some of us alcohol was "a friend" -- a total b**** most of the time, but a friend. So, I hope in addition to whatever you decide about drinking, you find ways to balm the boredom/loneliness. I don't have children, but I know how much being broke can lead to boredom and how much it can seem like an obstacle to enjoying oneself. Still, there can be joy in the little, simple things-- but I realize you need TIME to enjoy these things. Is there a co-op babysitting group in your area, or another mother with whom you could get friendly? Can you talk to your husband about how you're feeling and get him to help out a bit more? I don't know much about your situation, but it seems like alcohol is filling a spot that might be better filled otherwise.
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