BullDog777

the obsession is the addiction imo. whether mental or physical, "normal" people wouldn't ever have given what your wrestling with, a second thought.

let me outline normal and alcoholic thinking, and take this with a grain of salt. i'm a sarcastic person with a huge heart. however, i'm a horrible communicator and sometimes it comes out all wrong....but here goes...

1. Normal- "hmmm...do i want a drink?...nah...not today" and never give it a second thought.

2. alcoholic- "hmmm...do i want a drink?...YEAH! ..wait....I binge drank in college with friends... but no more than any of my other friends. Then when I graduated, I went through about 5 years of solid alcoholism... drinking every other night (every other because on off-days I was super hung over). This never affected my professional career or relationships, however, I was very shameful that I couldn't seem to stop the pattern of drinking. Then in early 2007 I got prego and quit cold turkey. Once I had baby, I resumed drinking but this time... way less... like 1-2 times a week. After about 2 years, I got prego again. This time I quit drinking and decided to never start again. The reason was that even though I was drinking less frequently, I still binge drank whenever I drank. For instance, I would have like 10 or more every Saturday... but none during the week.Alcoholism runs in my family. I was told my entire life -ever since I could talk- that I could be an alcoholic as well. My uncle was a major alcoholic who actually drank himself to death. My Dad and my sister are major alcoholics. My Dad used to get DUI's but has quit now. My sister drank all day every day but has also quit now. My sister also got addicted to many other drugs. They are both in AA. So here I am... I have a 3 month old and a 2.5 year old. I'm a stay at home mom. I'm a runner and super healthy. I've started drinking again. Only this time, I'm finding that I'm satisfied to only drink 1-2 times a week and usually 2 or less beers at a time... usually after I come in from a run while I'm making dinner. I've been doing this for 2 months without escalation. The most I've had at one time was 7 ... only one day. I thought about it and decided I don't like getting drunk anymore and I haven't drank that much since. Now I'm questioning if I even WANT to drink this often. It's been kinda interesting for me to think I don't WANT to get drunk... and actually drink 1-2 and not drink anymore.
Maybe drinking was more like an obsession than it was ever an addiction with me... where I was told I can't drink all my life and it made me want to even more. Then I was around all this binge drinking in college and I thought that was normal. Maybe Now, I've "rebooted" myself and matured as an adult and I have a new normal... which is in fact way less drinking and more "normal" by other people's standards.Honestly, I don't even know what is normal. I've been surrounded by so much disfunction regarding alcohol my whole life, I have no ability to judge. My husband (who doesn't drink except in a blue moon) says he doesn't think I'm an alcoholic. He thinks what I'm doing now is fine. All my friends from college still drink. They are all professionals with great careers now and they all still drink. I don't hang out with them anymore because I live in a different city now, but nonetheless, they drink... However, on the other hand, maybe I found myself a bunch of functional alcoholics in college to hang out with.Or maybe this is just denial. Maybe I'm tricking myself. Maybe I'll start to escalate one day and I'll eventually get back to drinking all the time. I'm so confused. I will say this, though... I don't seem to have the same "pull" to binge drink that I did before. I can stop at 1 or 2. I can go days or even a week without even thinking about drinking. I've been writing all this down in my calendar. I keep track of my running so I figured I might as well keep track of drinking too so that I can see patterns. Here's an example: I'll drink 1 beer on two nights in a row, then go 6 days without drinking anything, then drink 4 beers in a night, then go 4 days and drink 1 beer, then go 4 days and drink 2 beers, etc., etc. When I do "crave" it, I usually seem to be satisfied with just 1-2. I "crave" it when I want to relax sometimes at night before bed. For two months, I've been averaging less than 10 beers a week. The truth is... I don't do anything fun anymore. I have 2 babies and a husband who is constantly on the internet playing games. We have no babysitters and no money to do anything fun. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my only company is the TV. But even that isn't what it used to be because I have to pause frequently because of the babies... it could take me 2.5 hours just to watch one hour long show. I do belong to a running group which has been the best thing in my life... it keeps me sane and balanced in spite of all this. Am I just asking for trouble? Has anyone else done this and had it backfire?


any questions?

zbear23

Hi LBW.

It's been less and less since then. I really, I guess, obsess over not drinking too much anymore.

Obsessing over not drinking ends up causing lots of relapses and makes it very difficult to be comfortable with sobriety. What we resist, persists. For example, if I ask you to not think of a cow...guess what you'll think of right away.

In my own recovery there came a point where I no longer thought about having a drink...positively or negatively. It was like deciding whether or not to drink bleach....no discussion necessary.

Remember, if you are alcoholic, it is an illness that centers in the mind, a form of insanity that rationalizes, justifies and encourages us to drink, even when our track record proves it is, if nothing else, pretty risky business.

IMO, if you need to ration your drinks, you probably have a problem. why would drinking be so important? There are lots of things that I know taste good and feel good, that would be enjoyable....but I don't do them because I know there will be unpleasant consequences. And I don't obsess on them or ration them, either. I used to love french fries, and still do. But I no longer eat them....nor do I ever give them a thought.

blessings
zenbear

erikm02

My biggest problem right there. It's like Pringles. Once you pop you can't stop...

Best to just not drink imo

mirage

Congratulations on your new baby, LBW! I joined about the time you did, and have wondered if you had it yet and how you are doing. Yeah, I think the drinking probably feels different for you now..like you have a better handle on it..because you've been off it while you were pregnant. My guess is that you didn't have all these thoughts when you were carrying the baby..I know I didn't. I couldn't drink, so it never crossed my mind. Of course, a few months after I had him, I'd have my first and it wouldn't even taste that great. Then later I'd have a couple and was getting more used to it, etc. Soon, I was back to having too much, too often. I have the mental obsession thing, big time. It's awful, and best to just be done with it, imo. I'm still working on it, too.

I also hope it's possible for you to talk to your husband about the loneliness. I know it's hard..but maybe if you explained it he would spend less time on the computer and you guys could play card games where you keep score over weeks, or find board games you really like or something. It might help some of that "I have nothing fun to do" feeling. Just a thought. I know having little ones can be really challenging, but they do grow up pretty fast and then they won't need you quite as much, and then you'll be bored. Lol..that's where I am. Take care..hope you can sort it out.