So confused, please help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 95
So confused, please help
I hate drinking. I don't enjoy it. It takes up a lot of my day thinking about it, I get very little sleep due to it, and I lie to my family by hiding it. I want out and have wanted out for years.
I know I can't do this alone. My main problem is that by getting the help I need I''ll have to let my wife and family know the extent of my problem. My wife is extremely clever and I don't for a second think she hasn't noticed my behaviour. That being said, I've known about my alcoholism for 3+ years and drinking has never been an issue with us. When I've tried to cut back I find myself lying to friends and family about that as well. The only time I ever have to explain myself is when I decline drinks in social situations.
I don't say the above with any illusions that drinking hasn't effected my relationships. I fully acknowledge I am not the same person I was. I think about drinking, I think about how to keep on drinking, and I think about hiding my drinking. There is no way you can life with someone and have those actions go unoticed.
My problem is: here I am, still drinking and hating it. I need help, but I'm afraid of what seeking it will do. I am not pretending that waiting till my actions out me is going to be a better alternative, I know full well that is not the desirable path. I just hate that I've gotten myself into a corner where theres no easy choice.
I want help. Im afraid to seek it
I know I can't do this alone. My main problem is that by getting the help I need I''ll have to let my wife and family know the extent of my problem. My wife is extremely clever and I don't for a second think she hasn't noticed my behaviour. That being said, I've known about my alcoholism for 3+ years and drinking has never been an issue with us. When I've tried to cut back I find myself lying to friends and family about that as well. The only time I ever have to explain myself is when I decline drinks in social situations.
I don't say the above with any illusions that drinking hasn't effected my relationships. I fully acknowledge I am not the same person I was. I think about drinking, I think about how to keep on drinking, and I think about hiding my drinking. There is no way you can life with someone and have those actions go unoticed.
My problem is: here I am, still drinking and hating it. I need help, but I'm afraid of what seeking it will do. I am not pretending that waiting till my actions out me is going to be a better alternative, I know full well that is not the desirable path. I just hate that I've gotten myself into a corner where theres no easy choice.
I want help. Im afraid to seek it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 95
Just to let you know where I am now: I am still drinking. In the past this would mean waiting till my family is sleeping then drinking until I blackout and don't remember going to bed. Lately this has changed to drinking until I get fed up with trying to get drunk and start looking up AA phone numbers and meeting times.
I am still absolutely terrified about openly seeking help and what that will do with my relationships. I am beginning to be equally terrified of where I'll end up without help
I am still absolutely terrified about openly seeking help and what that will do with my relationships. I am beginning to be equally terrified of where I'll end up without help
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Thentram,
Welcome to SR! It's a great place for support and information. Great people here too!
Ask yourself, why exactly are you afraid seeking help? I was worried about the stigma, that alcoholism was a moral failing and that I would no longer have an escape from my own head.
I couldn't get sober without outside help. There are a number of options for you to check out. AA is probably the most popular. It's free, you'll meet some very fine people who understand the nature of alcoholism and have peer support. Check out the stickies at the top of the forum.
The 12 Steps to me are a business plan for living a sober and content life. I've used it.
I also like Rational Recovery. I think it's helpful to get some therapy with an addictions specialist.
Stick around SR. Read and post. Recovery is possible and there's plenty of proof here that we can and do live happy lives without alcohol!
Again, welcome!
Love,
Lenina
Welcome to SR! It's a great place for support and information. Great people here too!
Ask yourself, why exactly are you afraid seeking help? I was worried about the stigma, that alcoholism was a moral failing and that I would no longer have an escape from my own head.
I couldn't get sober without outside help. There are a number of options for you to check out. AA is probably the most popular. It's free, you'll meet some very fine people who understand the nature of alcoholism and have peer support. Check out the stickies at the top of the forum.
The 12 Steps to me are a business plan for living a sober and content life. I've used it.
I also like Rational Recovery. I think it's helpful to get some therapy with an addictions specialist.
Stick around SR. Read and post. Recovery is possible and there's plenty of proof here that we can and do live happy lives without alcohol!
Again, welcome!
Love,
Lenina
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Lenina 
Ask yourself, why exactly are you afraid seeking help?
I don't pretend to think my actions have gone unnoticed. I just have never once been questioned about my drinking. I'm sure my wife suspects something, she is way too clever not to have noticed something like that. Its just a really scarey thought to admit to all the deception when there is no external pressure to do so. I have thought on multiple occasions how it would be easier if I just was more blatant so she'd start confronting me about it.
I honestly know what I need to ultimately do. Its just so much easier to theorize about it late at night and resolve to do something about it the next day. Thats ended up in more day 1's than I care to count though, so insanity would be to continue along that path.
Thank you for listening to me ramble. Im really glad to hear thoughts
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Thentram,
I doubt anyone would begrudge you getting help. It's a medical problem. A part of alcoholism for many of us is the lying. We lie to others about our drinking out of shame or as a way of denial to our own selves.
If you can, see your doctor and be honest about how much and how often you drink. If you need some medical help to get through the withdrawals, s/he can help with meds. It can be dangerous to withdraw on your own.
I think you'll be very relieved to get this off your chest and starting taking some positive action towards recovery.
I'm glad you've found us!
Love,
Lenina
I doubt anyone would begrudge you getting help. It's a medical problem. A part of alcoholism for many of us is the lying. We lie to others about our drinking out of shame or as a way of denial to our own selves.
If you can, see your doctor and be honest about how much and how often you drink. If you need some medical help to get through the withdrawals, s/he can help with meds. It can be dangerous to withdraw on your own.
I think you'll be very relieved to get this off your chest and starting taking some positive action towards recovery.
I'm glad you've found us!
Love,
Lenina
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Thentram
Lenina is exactly right with what you need to do.
I was paralysed by pride and fear when I wanted to quit - what would people say...what about the lies I've told....
In the end, people knew much more than I thought - and they loved me - they were just pleased I was finally getting help.
Do it Thentram
D
Lenina is exactly right with what you need to do.
I was paralysed by pride and fear when I wanted to quit - what would people say...what about the lies I've told....
In the end, people knew much more than I thought - and they loved me - they were just pleased I was finally getting help.
Do it Thentram
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by Thentram
My problem is: here I am, still drinking and hating it. I need help, but I'm afraid of what seeking it will do.
At best, you will get sober, stop lying and hating yourself, change your life, heal all your relationships and enjoy a long and happy life.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Go for it
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello and welcome to sr.
by the end of my drinking my family were begging me to get help,they saw the progression of the illness in me and i was not a pretty sight at the end.
seeking help for your illness is the begining of recovery i believe,that levelling of pride when we have been going it alone for so long and trying to beat it.
i tried for many years to beat this game and in the end i just surrendered.
i was hopeless.
i knew i couldnt live with it,but was terrified of what i was going to do without it!
so,i went to AA.lenina put it very well about having the 12 steps as a design for living.that is exactly what i have found,a desing for living in which it is no longer necessary to drink,things are infinatly better now.
i had used booze as my solution to everything for 20 years,so i needed a new solution!
if you can get up the courage to ring AA you will find folk there that will welcome you with open arms,people that know how you feel.
i wish you well on your recovery journey,i know i couldnt do it alone.
glad your here.
by the end of my drinking my family were begging me to get help,they saw the progression of the illness in me and i was not a pretty sight at the end.
seeking help for your illness is the begining of recovery i believe,that levelling of pride when we have been going it alone for so long and trying to beat it.
i tried for many years to beat this game and in the end i just surrendered.
i was hopeless.
i knew i couldnt live with it,but was terrified of what i was going to do without it!
so,i went to AA.lenina put it very well about having the 12 steps as a design for living.that is exactly what i have found,a desing for living in which it is no longer necessary to drink,things are infinatly better now.
i had used booze as my solution to everything for 20 years,so i needed a new solution!
if you can get up the courage to ring AA you will find folk there that will welcome you with open arms,people that know how you feel.
i wish you well on your recovery journey,i know i couldnt do it alone.
glad your here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
I was in similar situation... I had to go here to finally get some sober time in. All of the best
Alcoholics Anonymous : How to Find A.A. Meetings
Alcoholics Anonymous : How to Find A.A. Meetings
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posts: 224
Your story could be my story. The fears you feel are caused by the alcohol and are virtually certain to be unfounded as a result. When you drink alcoholically, you spend much of your time rebounding from the alcohol, which generates the fears, the anxiety, etc., etc. The solution is to stop drinking, which is much more frightening in prospect than it is as an experience. See a doctor, tell your wife why you are doing so (I'd bet anything she'll know why anyway.), get the pills (librium) to help with the detox, and go for it. I want to reiterate: 1) the fears are caused by the alcohol, 2) the prospect of quitting is (because of the fears) more scary than the experience. Oh, and it is wonderful not to drink.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by Norther
Your story could be my story. The fears you feel are caused by the alcohol and are virtually certain to be unfounded as a result. When you drink alcoholically, you spend much of your time rebounding from the alcohol, which generates the fears, the anxiety, etc., etc. The solution is to stop drinking, which is much more frightening in prospect than it is as an experience. See a doctor, tell your wife why you are doing so (I'd bet anything she'll know why anyway.), get the pills (librium) to help with the detox, and go for it. I want to reiterate: 1) the fears are caused by the alcohol, 2) the prospect of quitting is (because of the fears) more scary than the experience. Oh, and it is wonderful not to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ontario
Posts: 718
From the sounds of things I'm assuming your clever wife would be more than happy to support you when you admitt that drinking is a problem for you, and you are going to take steps to make life sober, better for yourself and your family.
For a while I would say to my friends "I'm a binger and trying to get my drinking under control", That changed to "I'm a binger and it's become a problem", finally it became "I'm an alcoholic, I can't get my drinking under control and I am finding help to become sober."
It's only day six completely sober without trying to keep it to 3-4, which I know is impossible, but I am so glad I finally made the decision to change my life for the better,
I had to stop lying to myself first, before I could stop lying how bad my problem was and hiding my alcohol stashes, by getting it out of the house for good.
You'll find a lot of good advice here, if you do go to your doc, he will point you in the right direction to professionals that specialize with addiction and your psychological health and find the right medications, if you need them to help you quit. We aren't supposed to give medical advice here as everybody is uniquely different(my favorite saying)
AA isn't for "all" of us here, but it's helped too many to ever count.
I hope you find the method that best works for you. The Sobery Recovery forum has been my biggest source of encouragement and support even through many, many relapses. I couldn't of done it without the help of the administrators, the moderators, and the other alcoholics and addicts here. There are links to so much information that you can find on here that addresses so many attibutes of alcohism and it's effects. Yes do read the stickies and explore the other forums on here.
For years, I used to think I was completely alone and with hope, but now I know and trust in the help I have found here and in myself for the first time in so, so long.
Welcome to Sober Recovery keep posting.....and take care
For a while I would say to my friends "I'm a binger and trying to get my drinking under control", That changed to "I'm a binger and it's become a problem", finally it became "I'm an alcoholic, I can't get my drinking under control and I am finding help to become sober."
It's only day six completely sober without trying to keep it to 3-4, which I know is impossible, but I am so glad I finally made the decision to change my life for the better,
I had to stop lying to myself first, before I could stop lying how bad my problem was and hiding my alcohol stashes, by getting it out of the house for good.
You'll find a lot of good advice here, if you do go to your doc, he will point you in the right direction to professionals that specialize with addiction and your psychological health and find the right medications, if you need them to help you quit. We aren't supposed to give medical advice here as everybody is uniquely different(my favorite saying)
AA isn't for "all" of us here, but it's helped too many to ever count.
I hope you find the method that best works for you. The Sobery Recovery forum has been my biggest source of encouragement and support even through many, many relapses. I couldn't of done it without the help of the administrators, the moderators, and the other alcoholics and addicts here. There are links to so much information that you can find on here that addresses so many attibutes of alcohism and it's effects. Yes do read the stickies and explore the other forums on here.
For years, I used to think I was completely alone and with hope, but now I know and trust in the help I have found here and in myself for the first time in so, so long.
Welcome to Sober Recovery keep posting.....and take care
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Thentram! How are you doing today?
I think you would be amazed how supportive people can be when you finally say "I need help with this." When I final came here 12 days ago it was such a relief to finally be honest. It took me a few days of sobriety before I felt strong enough to say anything to anyone else.
My two daughters know that I'd been in treatment before for this disease, but they thought I was just drinking occassionally. They had no idea how much I really drank; I was very good at concealing things and didn't get totally wasted in their presence. So, I just told them I felt I was getting dependent on it again and didn't want to. I wanted to rid my life of it permanently. They were very pleased and supportive. My oldest (who is 25) said she would even go to AA with me if I wanted her to.
I think Norther is right that the anxiety (depression, too) we suffer during withdrawals warps our thinking as much as the alcohol does. I didn't go to a doctor this time, but I would highly recommend it if you can. Keep posting!
I think you would be amazed how supportive people can be when you finally say "I need help with this." When I final came here 12 days ago it was such a relief to finally be honest. It took me a few days of sobriety before I felt strong enough to say anything to anyone else.
My two daughters know that I'd been in treatment before for this disease, but they thought I was just drinking occassionally. They had no idea how much I really drank; I was very good at concealing things and didn't get totally wasted in their presence. So, I just told them I felt I was getting dependent on it again and didn't want to. I wanted to rid my life of it permanently. They were very pleased and supportive. My oldest (who is 25) said she would even go to AA with me if I wanted her to.
I think Norther is right that the anxiety (depression, too) we suffer during withdrawals warps our thinking as much as the alcohol does. I didn't go to a doctor this time, but I would highly recommend it if you can. Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: north carolina
Posts: 74
Thentram - I have these fears too about how to explain myself, etc... So while I can't offer you answers, I can at least offer you my companionship. I haven't yet been in a position to explain it (quit couple months ago), as I am single and most friends/family live far away. I think at least for now my plan is just to say "I was just drinking too much and it wasn't healthy so I decided to quit, just like when I quit smoking." I'm OK saying I'm an alcoholic on this anonymous site and to my doctor, but "alcoholic" seems like a loaded word for "normal" people, so I'm going to avoid that word if possible.
I also share your sense of frustration that you've backed yourself into a corner. The good news is that there is a path out - it isn't easy, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.
I also share your sense of frustration that you've backed yourself into a corner. The good news is that there is a path out - it isn't easy, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 95
Hey guys,
I just wanted to check in and thank you all so much for your encouragement and insightful thoughts. I'm really taking a lot of what has been said here to heart and its given me a lot to think about.
It was a hard night for awhile tonight, but here I am sober for today. What Norther said about many issues being caused by the alcohol is so true. I think part of what keeps me drinking is that it feels easier to avoid all the problems that the drinking has caused by.... DRINKING MORE. Absolutely insane when you take the time to step back and look at it, not one bit of logic in those actions.
The more I look at my actions and thought patterns lately I see how thouroughly I set myself up for failure. I know many of the things I do throughout the day set me up to drink at night, but when it comes time to change anything its like I let my brain shut off. Day after day I find myself at the end of the day hungry, tired, isolated, all entirely preventable conditions yet there I am night after night.
Again though, thank you for talking and sharing with me. As I said, it was a really rough night for a bit, but reading here in this thread reminded me why I was here last night. Drinking has become such a chore, I derive no enjoyment out of it anymore, and as long as I'm doing it I am unable to address any other issues in my life. I'm still giving some serious thought as to how to proceed, but at least for the time being its sober thought.
I just wanted to check in and thank you all so much for your encouragement and insightful thoughts. I'm really taking a lot of what has been said here to heart and its given me a lot to think about.
It was a hard night for awhile tonight, but here I am sober for today. What Norther said about many issues being caused by the alcohol is so true. I think part of what keeps me drinking is that it feels easier to avoid all the problems that the drinking has caused by.... DRINKING MORE. Absolutely insane when you take the time to step back and look at it, not one bit of logic in those actions.
The more I look at my actions and thought patterns lately I see how thouroughly I set myself up for failure. I know many of the things I do throughout the day set me up to drink at night, but when it comes time to change anything its like I let my brain shut off. Day after day I find myself at the end of the day hungry, tired, isolated, all entirely preventable conditions yet there I am night after night.
Again though, thank you for talking and sharing with me. As I said, it was a really rough night for a bit, but reading here in this thread reminded me why I was here last night. Drinking has become such a chore, I derive no enjoyment out of it anymore, and as long as I'm doing it I am unable to address any other issues in my life. I'm still giving some serious thought as to how to proceed, but at least for the time being its sober thought.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Thentram
I think part of what keeps me drinking is that it feels easier to avoid all the problems that the drinking has caused by.... DRINKING MORE. Absolutely insane when you take the time to step back and look at it, not one bit of logic in those actions.
If it's any consolation....... I still discover thought patterns like that all the time. Maybe not at the same frequency as I used to earlier on in recovery but, for me, it's like Christmas Day when............. OUT OF NOWHERE...........it hits me that something I've been thinking or maybe even DOING....... suddenly becomes clearly rooted in insanity.
My 12-Step therapist calls them "Coming-to" moments (as in "you just WOKE UP") or "God-jobs." My AA sponsor prefers to call them "normal parts of maturing as an adult.....you know Mike......that stuff you refused to do for the past 15 years!" (he's such a jerk.....lol)
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