StewartUK

I've never been one for keeping them, i always HATED writing them I just couldn't get to grips with writing it but I was seeing a therapist at the time and she insisted it was a good idea so i went ahead with it. These journals were dated January 2007, to put it on context I was being treated for an eating disorder at the time so these journals centered around that but also mentioned alcohol abuse. At the time of writing them 3 years ago now I sound absoloutely broken and in a hopeless situation and its absoloutely gut wrenching to see that to be honest i've not come to far forward in my life since then. My life has moved on and theres been achievements in University and work etc and overcoming an ED (im now 3 stone heavier than at the time of writing) but for some reason or another ive continued to drink at bad levels.

In the period of 2008-2010 ive binged between abistenence periods to blackout levels nearly 100% of the time. These blackouts are astonishingly bad, my friends descirbe me as being normal then going to a zombie like state in almost seconds. I came back here a few months ago and was doing well (got to 6 weeks) then i had a 1 night binge and am now back on the wagon (1 week). I've lost to the fight so say THIS TIME ITS FOR GOOD! because ive honestly said this about 6,000 times over the last 3 years when drinking has become a real problem. My headand concentration have become f*cked to the point where i cant even read a sentence, i dont know if it'll even get better this time, however im not throwing the towel because you can never stop trying to repair yourself.

If anyone read that in full thank you, the reason I post it here is because I don't have friends to open up to at the moment I had to move away for work and it's bringing me down terribly, i seem to live with a sense of undirected anger of fury like proportions and im hoping getting some of this out may help.

Thank you

Stew

Kerbcrawler

Hey stew, know the feelin well,of relapsing over an over..to the point of mental distraction, and almost hopelesness of am i ever really gonna get my S@@T together here, health starting to play up..were you might of shaken off a hangover in a day or so,the body has been that overrun with poison over the years..its taken a week or two, just to begin to feel normal..even then its under parr..with over hanging symptoms..damage of longterm abuse...my experience here, but stop you gotta..no two ways about it..you can and will heal mentally and physically..may just take a while to put right the damage of yrs of abuse in my case...a lot of tlc needed.
best of luck...14 days for me..heck the longest ive had in 12 yrs is 15 days...gonna break the duck this time....

mimi54321

Hi Stewart

I know how you feel. I started keeping an online journal about 18 months ago and when I have gone back and re-read it I also feel like I've not moved on at all.

However, when I think about how I actually felt 18 months ago and compare it to now, knowing what I know now and having experienced that period of time I realise I have moved on in many subtle ways that only time can produce. Although the repeated behaviours are often still there, my knowledge of them are 18 months more experienced and that is 18 months I'll not have to live again. I have to focus on what I have achieved over that time rather than what I haven't.

It takes time to recover (for many, well over 3 years). An ED and alcoholism (I also suffer both) are both crippling diseases and the fact that you've recovered from your ED is a MASSIVE achievement. Behaviours learned and lived over decades don't change over night. Don't be so hard on yourself :ghug3

M

AcceptingChange

When you say "I haven't moved on", i was just stressing about that in the shower this morning. I keep a journal, and iit's quite repetitive. Just me longing for a calm feeling.

I was struck by how you're trying to create a life, and are responsible when you need to be. But when you go out for the planned evening, sometimes you overindulge. That's the way i am (was) too. And it's been a goal that "If i quit drinking, then in about 30-90 days, a warm, comforting feeling of peace and calmness will exude from withing my sober, clean, chemical free body."
Boy, was i wrong. That did not happen to me.
I realized that i drank because i wanted to be calm and relaxed.
For the first few months of sobriety, i thought i was stressed because i'm learning how to live sober. But i now realize that i feel anxiety
now because i always felt anxiety. I just fled from that self-conscious feeling by drinking. And the more i drank, the more my self-consciousness went into hiding. But then the next morning, ugh! depression.
So now, I have to learn to live with this feeling i tried to solve w/drink.
I can't use drink to solve it, because it doesn't work.
But i have to change my expectations that when i stop drinking, it won't be long
before i'm as peaceful as a buddha. It hasn't worked that way for me.
Thanks for an interesting post, i can certainly relate to it.

StewartUK

Thanks guys, like i said, no real purpose to this post sometimes ye just gotta let it out though

CarolD

For consideration by our UK members.....

Alcoholics Anonymous UK Newcomers

Recovery Really Rocks......

artsoul

Me too, Stewart. I found I couldn't win the fight, and infact had no fight in me at the end (even was preparing myself that, if I didn't get lung cancer from smoking first, there was a good chance I'd die of alcoholism). Had to give up and surrender - alcohol won. The only thing I can do is to let go of the hope that I can have that first drink. If I could drink resonably, I wouldn't be here. But I'm so glad I am and that you are too!

Thanks for your post - I can really relate to it.