relapse?
9/15/08
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 257
relapse?
(not sure if I'm in the right forum or not, but here it goes)
Hey all,
It's been a while since I've posted. Anyway, I've been in a relationship with a woman for the past six months until today. She broke it off with me, called me "pathetic", disgusting, weak, etc. Just couldn't understand why I'm an addict.
Still ahven't drank alcohol for over 18 months...but she has ADD and takes Adderall (amphetamine). She offered me some on occasion (before working out, sex, etc) and I took them w/o even thinking about my sobriety(!). Soon I was tempted and couldn't resist sneaking a pill or two here and there from her medicine cabinet.
The first time I confessed tearfully what I had done and apologized, offered to make amends. She was mad for a week, but then forgave me. The second and third time it happened (third time was yesterday) I wasn't as forthcoming...it was almost as if the lure had sucked me in and I couldn't even be honest with myself anymore.
I was lying to her face about taking two tablets and she knew it. She told me she couldn't be in a relationship with me, didn't even want to be my friend, etc. My bawling and "i love yous" obviously made the situation more frantic.
Anyhow, I'm reflecting on it and seeing how easily cross-addiction affected me, and how I need to be more vigilant about my future partners and the meds they are taking.
I think it's time for me to get back into the 12-step circles and start addressing these 'character defects' that are becoming far too obvious....chronic dishonesty, manipulation, stealing, etc. How could I ever do that to someone I loved so dearly????
For the 12-steppers out there, when/how would making amends fit into this, if at all?
UGH!
Hey all,
It's been a while since I've posted. Anyway, I've been in a relationship with a woman for the past six months until today. She broke it off with me, called me "pathetic", disgusting, weak, etc. Just couldn't understand why I'm an addict.
Still ahven't drank alcohol for over 18 months...but she has ADD and takes Adderall (amphetamine). She offered me some on occasion (before working out, sex, etc) and I took them w/o even thinking about my sobriety(!). Soon I was tempted and couldn't resist sneaking a pill or two here and there from her medicine cabinet.
The first time I confessed tearfully what I had done and apologized, offered to make amends. She was mad for a week, but then forgave me. The second and third time it happened (third time was yesterday) I wasn't as forthcoming...it was almost as if the lure had sucked me in and I couldn't even be honest with myself anymore.
I was lying to her face about taking two tablets and she knew it. She told me she couldn't be in a relationship with me, didn't even want to be my friend, etc. My bawling and "i love yous" obviously made the situation more frantic.
Anyhow, I'm reflecting on it and seeing how easily cross-addiction affected me, and how I need to be more vigilant about my future partners and the meds they are taking.
I think it's time for me to get back into the 12-step circles and start addressing these 'character defects' that are becoming far too obvious....chronic dishonesty, manipulation, stealing, etc. How could I ever do that to someone I loved so dearly????
For the 12-steppers out there, when/how would making amends fit into this, if at all?
UGH!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Well, good going on your 18 months...
I was dependent on Ritalin, like adderall, for years, abused the hell out of them towards the end... I'm glad you recognized the problem... My addiction to Ritalin had much to do with my alcoholism... Had you kept on with the adderall, I am almost certain you'd have been drinking again.. soon.
Amends may not be the place to start in your recovery... Sounds like you've had a good first step experience, make the most of it... time to look at the next few steps, amends are at step nine... work your way through, one at a time, you'll know what to do when the time is right.
Mark
I was dependent on Ritalin, like adderall, for years, abused the hell out of them towards the end... I'm glad you recognized the problem... My addiction to Ritalin had much to do with my alcoholism... Had you kept on with the adderall, I am almost certain you'd have been drinking again.. soon.
Amends may not be the place to start in your recovery... Sounds like you've had a good first step experience, make the most of it... time to look at the next few steps, amends are at step nine... work your way through, one at a time, you'll know what to do when the time is right.
Mark
9/15/08
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 257
Thanks for the feedback. I'm finding a meeting tonight and will look more closely at Step 1.
@ Mark - I can't but help believe that she also has a problem with the drug...but that's her own stuff. Unfortunately, my recognition of the problem had to come the hard way...losing a potential wife.
@ Mark - I can't but help believe that she also has a problem with the drug...but that's her own stuff. Unfortunately, my recognition of the problem had to come the hard way...losing a potential wife.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Well, taking adderall to work out or maximize the sexual experience are not intended usages of the drug... So at the very least it was abuse.
But you are right, keep your recovery about you. All things happen for a reason. Maybe this did too, huh?
Sorry for your loss. I am glad you found your way back.
Mark
But you are right, keep your recovery about you. All things happen for a reason. Maybe this did too, huh?
Sorry for your loss. I am glad you found your way back.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
How could I ever do that to someone I loved so dearly????
Maybe you didnt have a choice....Maybe you were powerless.
Ive been asked the same question by distraught newcomers before......it tells me that they have little understanding of the depth of the problem.
Same as me when i came to aa with a string of failed relationships behind me.
I thought i was a weak willed mental defect.
a good solid step one will give you an understanding of "choice" and the amount of that "choice" you had.
Im sorry for your split........its a tough deal.
im thinking of one woman.......i saw her slipping away and i couldnt do anything to stop it....i loved her and it hurt like s*t.
id be interested to hear how you get on with the step work.....names shaun and im alcoholic.
9/15/08
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 257
@ trucker
Maybe you didnt have a choice....Maybe you were powerless
I agree that I was powerless of the compulsion to keep sneaking them, despite the consequences. But choice has to fit in there somewhere. I knew in the back of my head that she was taking dependency-producing meds, but the passion and intensity of the relationship was so great I stuck with her.
I've beat my head into a wall trying to explain the concept of powerlessness to her...it just came across sounding like 'an excuse' or a 'crutch' for what the real problem is. It's like she just couldn't accept that I'm an addict, that there was something 'wrong' with me that needed to be corrected via punitive measures. Shrug.
Maybe you didnt have a choice....Maybe you were powerless
I agree that I was powerless of the compulsion to keep sneaking them, despite the consequences. But choice has to fit in there somewhere. I knew in the back of my head that she was taking dependency-producing meds, but the passion and intensity of the relationship was so great I stuck with her.
I've beat my head into a wall trying to explain the concept of powerlessness to her...it just came across sounding like 'an excuse' or a 'crutch' for what the real problem is. It's like she just couldn't accept that I'm an addict, that there was something 'wrong' with me that needed to be corrected via punitive measures. Shrug.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Overman, I don't know if she has a problem with the drug, but it could be. She has ADD and takes a controlled drug for it and is offering it to someone else. (You say this started with her offering it and not you opting to take them on your own.) The drug is not an ice cream sandwich or a stick of gum; she's perverting its purpose. Sorry for the angry language, but I am a little prejudiced against her for offering something serious like a medication to anyone (an alcoholic on top of it) like it's for "fun," and yet she is the one who is grossed out by your behavior. There are plenty of other male spiders out there, let her pick another one. Maybe you were a Get Out of Jail Free card for her this time and she will not do this in the future. Not drinking and recognizing the experience with these pills and the lying and stealing is a good thing. I won't be worth anything when it comes to the Steps, but I hope you will do well at being happy with resuming your progress first, and the romantic mate later on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
If you begin step work in earnest, and become rigorously honest you'll will see what happened for what it is. I don't know, I can't know. I can tell you that there is some truth there that you don't see yet. That it was a punitive action could also be seen as a move she made to protect herself from someone who lied and stole from her.
I am not trying to be harsh. I have been in a similar circumstance myself, some of the details are different, but in the end, it was about my own dishonesty. That I was addicted is irrelevant, I did what I did. Part of my journey is to deal with that.
Keep posting. I needed this as much as you did.
Mark
I am not trying to be harsh. I have been in a similar circumstance myself, some of the details are different, but in the end, it was about my own dishonesty. That I was addicted is irrelevant, I did what I did. Part of my journey is to deal with that.
Keep posting. I needed this as much as you did.
Mark
9/15/08
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 257
Mark, thanks for the kind words.
I guess I'm stuck trying to rationalize my behavior as 'addiction' when it really is something else...chronic dishonesty or avoidance of conflict.
Will start working the steps with a fresh perspective...
I guess I'm stuck trying to rationalize my behavior as 'addiction' when it really is something else...chronic dishonesty or avoidance of conflict.
Will start working the steps with a fresh perspective...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Rationalization, justification, intellectualizing, all that, are just ways that we keep ourselves from the truth.
Surrender. Accept. Find you higher power. That is you task now, if you are ready, if you want to recover using the 12 steps.
Mark
Surrender. Accept. Find you higher power. That is you task now, if you are ready, if you want to recover using the 12 steps.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
Originally Posted by Mark75 
Rationalization, justification, intellectualizing, all that, are just ways that we keep ourselves from the truth.
Surrender. Accept. Find you higher power. That is you task now, if you are ready, if you want to recover using the 12 steps.
Mark
Surrender. Accept. Find you higher power. That is you task now, if you are ready, if you want to recover using the 12 steps.
Mark
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