ClayTheScribe

I'll have nine months sober tomorrow and the no big changes (namely romantic relationships) until after one year of sobriety is starting to make more sense to me. I've mainly called off the search for love for now until I get my life together and I think I will be a lot more stable mentally, emotionally and financially by the time July 25, 2010 comes around so I'm thinking of just holding off until then. I've just always been curious where the one year comes from in the 12-step and recovery culture? Is it just 'cause it's a nice round figure or is there any logic or even science behind it? Or just the collected wisdom of 12-step members? Why not 6 months or 10 for example? Just curious. (I apologize if this topic has already been brought up a lot here).

topspin

That's a great question !

I'll have to check back and see some answers !!

CarolD

Hi Clay....
As far as I know ...this idea of a year is not
in our basic text....the first 164 pages of our
book.....Alcoholics Anonymous.

Before they begin a new relationship.....I ask my AA sponsees
to read page 119 in the 12 & 12.
I also request they finish their formal Step work first.

Those who do...seem to have a smoother time in relationships.

It also gives them a nudge to finish Steps.

Therefore.....that's what I suggest you do too.
All my best.... Congratulations on your sober time

ClayTheScribe

Thanks Carol. Yeah the 12 steps are not for me (yes I have explored them), so other than that what should I do or just wait the year?

CarolD

Gee Clay.....
I'm sorry I misunderstood your topic.

As you are not following the AA program which
is based on the AA Steps....I have no
business giving relationship advice.

I'm simply not qualified to do so.
My experience would not fit your situation.

Good to know your still sober....

Gypsy Feet

I heard it actually originated in a different recovery book, but the name escapes me atm. I will ask around and get back with you.

Looking back at 12-28-08 to 12-28-09, its mind blowing the change I went through , and actually, with my belly button birthday approaching (not til May, but I call the whole month mine) I have been reminiscing about my birthday last year, and the total transformation even since then. I figure the longer I wait to let all of the changes settle in, the better chance I won't change myself right out of a relationship like I did with my marriage.

yeahgr8

This is based on the universal law of attraction and is not at all just for alcoholics! You will find plenty of stuff on google about finding out who you are or spending time away from dating to be able to find the right mate,

Most people go from one relationship to the next because of insecurity and fear of being alone, so yeah you might get the other person hot and sticky but the real reason for the relationship is what i just posted.

So if like attracts like and you are still sick, i.e. unable to live alone or comfortable by yourself then you will attract someone similar. And the BS opposites attract is based on physical apearences or actions or words which are all learned behaviours, i am talking about whats indside...the real you at that moment.

To me one year is very optimistic, especially for people like us who have lived a lie for so many years and havent a clue who we vreally are, my sponsor recommended 2 anmd i am happy with that...if by that time i can live alone and be happy and then say hey my life is so cool now id really love to share that with someone...then its time to become open to dating again.

I go to a CBT counselor who recommended the same sort of thing, to have a relationship with myself before even thinking of getting into a relationship with anyone else.

Whether AA or not to become recovered from alcoholism there needs to be a drastic personality change and this isn´t going to happen if you make a partner your HP, thats actually quite funny to see...ive seen it a few times and ive only been sober a while...

Of course anyone who is still sick or not wanting to change themselves wont understand what the hell i have written and will completely seperate the recovery from alcoholism and the topic of partners...but hey what do i care whatever floats your boat i guess!

Good to see you still getting well Clay!

Zencat

I've heard of the 1 year rule regarding entering relationships and whatnot. And was aware of such when I entered into a relationship when the both of us had less than 6 months.. For me it has worked out very well. I have, still to this day, I have a very cherished sober buddy and intimate lover as a result.

Yet on the other hand, I have witnessed some tragic results of others interning into a relationship very early on in recovery. The whole deal went wrong and one or both went back to using because of the nasty break-up.

Where I live, people are hooking-up in recovery, happens all the time. Al-tho a good many that have multiple years recovered manage when things happen, just like in so called normal life. That is to say, to hear that one or the other goes back to using because of the break-up is not the norm.

Pinkcuda

I think it's just something someone said somewhere along the line. It sounded good, so it got handed down as folklore. Possibly Treatment Center lingo.
It's meaningless drivel because we just can't come up with anything else to say.
My opinion is that nobody should ever put any aspect of their life on hold.
Got a terrific Job Offer?? Sorry, don't take it. Got a loan aproved on your dream home? Nope. Can't do that either. The girl you've had the hots for since High School. No, let old Pizza Face from School have her instead.
Anything else we're willing to give up?
I say to get on with life.
Moving forward will always take the pain of loss (any loss including Alcohol) easier.

findingout

There is only one hard and fast rule in recovery: you cannot drink and be sober. Everything else is just a suggestion based on the experience of people who recovered before me. My own experience is that most times I choose to ignore the collected wisdom of the people who recovered before me, I end up learning why the suggestion was made in the first place.

Why one year? Maybe the magic number is really 348 days, sometime after 3pm on the 348th day to be more precise. But if people went around saying "Absolutely no relationships until after 3pm on your 348th day of sobriety", it would suggest a precision that just doesn't exist in recovery. We are not all the same square peg being pounded into the same round hole. Some people may not be ready for a serious relationship and all that implies until their third year. Should they rush out and get into a relationship anyways because the collected wisdom says one year and you are ready?

All of recovery is take what you need (not necessarily what you think you want) and it did take me the first year to find out what I needed. Some people may know at 90 days, I didn't.

zbear23

Hi Clay. The one year "suggestion" is the product of 75 years of AA experience in which it has been pretty apparent that two things that are often part of relapse in early recovery are romance and finance.

I used "stuff" to regulate my feelings instead of learning to do it from within; becoming dependent on such things as drugs and alcohol. I then got a great job and became dependent on THAT in much the same way....took me five years, but I relapsed. I was married at the time and struggled long and hard to save the marriage, but to no avail. Recovery is a life changing experience, and what that meant to me was finding out who I really am....taking off the masks, so to speak. How can I have an authentic relationship with anyone, including myself, when I still suffer from self-delusion and dishonesty. My marriage was never authentic, because I wasn't. It took me years before I was finally able to have relationships rather than take hostages. IMO, "emotional recovery" depended upon my being fully engaged in the 12 step process. AA is not a "no drinking" program, but a "design for living" program, and frankly, I agree with Carol that if you are not committed to the program of AA, then none of the rest of the so-called "advice" is pertinent to you.

I've been a member of AA for a quarter of a century, and over that time I can confidently state that there are two primary reasons I've seen why people relapse: they don't "work" the program, which is the Steps, and they get into romantic relationships (which, by the way, are usually just a substitute dependency).

You may be involved with the Fellowship of AA, but the Program of AA is the 12 Steps....nothing more, nothing less and nothing else. It is certainly not the only way to get and stay sober, but IMO it is best not to deceive yourself into thinking you're using the AA program if you're not. You may find that SMART recovery is a better fit for you.

And out of curiosity, I must inquire why the steps are not for you....And I ask this because I pretty much felt the same way early on, but discovered that this thinking was actually part of my problem. Being mindful that consuming toxic substance damaged my cognitive ability and it takes at least six months for the brain to really begin to significantly heal. You wouldn't go skiiing with a cast on your leg. Probably shouldn't do a lot of thinking with a damaged brain.<G>

Hope you stick around here and ask more questions. Oh...and btw...the one year thing is bogus.....the real question is how long will it take to enjoy that emotional recovery.....IMO, it's closer to three years than one year.

blessings
zenbear

keithj

Like many others have said, that 'rule' does not appear in AA's BB, although you'll hear it thrown around a lot. The BB rule is that we subject each relationship to the question, 'Is it selfish or not?'

Until I had taken he Steps and had a spritual awakening, and had a bit of practice at making decisions based on principle instead of my own selfish wants, I had no business being in a relationship. I didn't know what real, unconditional love was, although I thought I did. I couldn't see how selfish I was with regards to other people.

It seems that all my worst behaviors will come out with those closest to me. I relationship, for me, can only be successful when I'm on solid spiitual ground. It's a very different take than my old ways.

Omega10

Personally, I chose one year of staying relationship free because I want to go through one full set of all four seasons before moving on. Although the basics of who I am does not change with the seasons, I find that I do feel differently with each season. The spring I am always full of hope, the summer I am full of energy, the autumn I tend to be a bit down because summer is over, and winter I hibernate. I also have to get through a full year of firsts without drinking - my first birthday, first Canada Day, first Thanksgiving, etc etc. I want to do this all by relying on my own strength. I need to redefine myself on my own.

NoelleR

I don't know when the 'relationship' and 'one year' were substituted, but the original suggestion that was given to me was........:

"Don't make any major changes in early sobriety."

I always chose to read this as...: "Don't make and changes, major..." In other words, don't make mountains out of molehills......simple, just the way I like it.


NoelleR

P.S. ...and remember, this is NOT a 'policy' or a 'rule' ..... it's a 'suggestion'

ClayTheScribe

Thanks zenbear, your post was perhaps most helpful of all. First, as the Big Book states attraction rather than promotion. I don't have hateful feelings toward AA, like I used to (I read all the anti-AA propaganda) as I know it's a great program for many and is at least a great resource in terms of the fellowship. I just don't have any conception of a God or HP nor do I ever want to. It's just not something that plays an important part in my life or my spiritual life and I don't need it nor do I feel comfortable handing my life over to a force or entity I do not believe in. I know there are are agnostics, atheists and non-theists in the program and I commend them for at least trying to make it work for them. You might say, "How do you know until you've tried it?" but I've read enough of people's experiences and what it's like and it's just not something I'm interested in nor do I need right now.

For me my own will power and constantly reminding myself what I'd be losing by drinking (a good job, happiness, a contentment I haven't had since I was a child, relatively good health, on a path to get to know myself better emotionally, mentally and spiritually) and what I'd be gaining (pain, misery, depression, anxiety, uncontrollable emotions, anger, violent thoughts, horrible hangovers, shame, disappointment, grief, guilt); coming onto SoberRecovery.com and reading other people's experiences, sharing in meetings when needed and helping others; using the tools of SMART, talking to people in their chat room and attending online and in-person meetings when needed; and exercising, trying to eat right and trying to stay healthy, is, so far, enough to keep me sober and to help me to grow in a positive direction mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Now I tell that to some 12-step people and they seem flabbergasted because they only know one way and think it is impossible for people to stay sober without a HP or the 12 steps. I can't blame that for thinking that since it may be all they know. But so far I haven't needed it.

There are parts of the 12 steps I personally disagree with are necessary to for full recovery FOR ME (and I don't want to turn this thread into a discussion/argument on those parts--PM me if need be), but still encourage them to people to at least explore or try out. In fact my friend has a sister who's an alcoholic and I am handing off my Big Book to give to her in hopes that she finds some wisdom or inspiration to want to get sober. I have been to several AA meetings and I wouldn't be opposed to going again if I need a reminder of why to stay sober. But the 12 steps are just not something I need nor am interested in right now. I believe what I think most people who come to this site seem to say they believe and that is do whatever works.

As far as the one-year policy for me, I'm not going to try to hold myself to a deadline so much as not pursue a relationship until I'm ready mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. I'm closer than I've ever been, but am not quite there yet. If that means a year after I'm sober I feel ready, great. But if that means two years or three years so be it. It wouldn't be fair to the person I care about to embark on a relationship when I still have significant unfinished business in regard to recovery.

I hope that answers your question.

ElegantlyWasted

Agree w pink in general. Basically go for it as best you can. Though I do think overwhelming yourself with too much early can be a disaster for many. Some down time for self reflection and personal growth seems to greatly increase the quality and quantity od sober time.

"always been curious where the one year comes from in the 12-step and recovery culture?"
Me too. My take is that as a generalization it makes perfect sense. The body physically needs time to rewire and new habits need to be consciously practiced for a while before it sticks. The no major changes aspect simply means don't try too much too soon and be self reflective. Like many addicts I was intially analyzing that statment to death, but came to realize it's a great benchmark to view your own progress by. Whatever works for you really does apply. Also, it does seem to make sense to alot of people who have dry for years. I'll trust their wisdom as I am not there yet. Actually just four days behind the orig poster.