MidwestSheRides

Nighttime is the worst for me, getting off of work, headed home yet again. Different things - some meaningful, some not at all - have triggered and set me off when I had planned to not drink on any particular night.

I have 6 days now and though the last 6 days have been tough, tough, tough, I've just noticed I'm finding it easier (?) to talk myself down from the drinking ledge during each night. Or maybe I'm just listening better.

Tonight was a big one. Friday night, no work tomorrow just 'fun' optional stuff planned for myself. My only friend is out of town. I'm still so very, very tired and this tiredness is usually what I use to justify picking up. Was thinking earlier today it would be fairly easy to blow off what I had planned tomorrow to get f****d up tonight; I'd have the rest of the weekend to try and recover a few days before next week starts.

And then I remembered I promised myself. A new start, an honest one. That the plans tomorrow wouldn't happen if I stopped at the liquor store. That the sincere laughing and pal-ing around I've been doing the past two days wouldn't be there tomorrow; the angry, leave-me-alone-I-don't-answer-the-phone-or-the-door-for-anyone recluse would be back and she would not put the bottle back down. That summer's coming up and I'd actually like to partake and experience it this year. That I deserve a shot at what others have.

It's almost like I'm talking to myself as a friend.

I took my bike to an AA meeting and afterwards went for a couple hours ride in the cold rain. And now I'm back here at my place and I'm still tired and now scared thinking about the future, but I'm here and I'm sober. And I'm actually talking about it. :crazy

yeahgr8

You post made me laugh, i have driven, rode and walked past AA meetings in my time! Best one was that i actually walked up to the doorway and pretended to be looking for a friend, so i was actually there and someone said hi there and i said something like oh im looking for andy he goes to classes at night...what a dope...could have saved myself and everyone else a lot of pain...never mind sober now and thats what counts...most just keep on walking past until they're old and wonder what the hell happened...or they just die which must be a blessed relief!

I really hope you dont leave it a few more years to get into a meeting, would be a shame for you!

MidwestSheRides

I edited and fixed it...I did go to the meeting and stayed, though just listened. I got my words jumbled up typing.

FBL

I did a lot of that "talking" to myself, especially the first few weeks. Everytime a craving would hit, I'd just ride it out and remember how awful I'd feel the next day. I guess it's what they call "playing the tape through". Anyway, it does get easier as time goes by and it does get better and better

CarolD

Did you hear anything in the AA meeting that you could
relate to? I try to do that at each meeting.

Well done on your fresh start....

fakesmiles

Loved your post, Midwestsherides. Especially because the words you wrote could have been written by me last night. I am on Day 5. The hardest part for me is the mental fog and extreme tiredness and I know that a few stiff rum and cokes would pull me right out of that. I thought, too, last night driving home from my stressful job that a habitual stop at the liquor store was what I deserved last night. Why do I always think I deserve a drink? I rationalize that I have earned it with all I put up with and with the stress I have to go through. I use the weekends as recupe time and typically spend Saturday in the "leave me alone" mode.

The bike is my sanctuary, too. It has often kept me from not drinking as I will not go on it if I have had even one drink. I wish I had the guts to drive it to an AA meeting as you have. Good for you. . . just keep riding and hanging on.

least

Good for you for talking yourself down from the ledge. I do a lot of 'self talk' too when cravings bother me. So far I'm able to ignore the addict voice and I get stronger in my resolve to stay sober each time I 'talk back' to the voice.

WakeUp

I just got a bike this week. I'm going to use "bike therapy" too.

topspin

Sounds like you have the right attitude and great ideas about how your old lifestyle, like mine did, can really mess up another summer. Thanks for your post !

I feel like such a wimp, for not riding today . Oh, it was a warm drizzlin' rain .

What a lame excuse , huh?

I'm going to put my light on tonight and ride after work, for a little therapy !!

You hang in there thru the weekend

box3

I really like this.

MidwestSheRides

I did, I listened to the women more last night because of what they were saying.

Thanks for posting, Fakesmiles. Sanctuary no doubt, feel like I need to add my motorcycle to my amends list for all the times I bought and stuffed vodka bottles into her saddlebags for when I got home...right next to the When and Where I always keep in there.


You too keep hangin in there, 5 days is AWESOME!!!

WakeUp, "bike therapy" is like none other, it always makes me feel at peace.


Took in a speaker meeting tonight, felt a little antsy afterward so stayed and talked at the club until 9pm when the liquor stores closed. Felt good.

MidwestSheRides

Box3, love your signature!

CAPTAINZING2000

they always go out for coffee after a Friday and Sat. meeting around here.