Ugh...where do I begin?

Old 04-12-2010, 05:20 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
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Ugh...where do I begin?

So, I am not feeling very good about myself right now. This past weekend I went to a party. There were people there that I didn't know that well so I was being "good" for a while. I turned down quite a few drinks for the first few hours because I didn't want to get "stupid" in front of the people I didn't know. After a few hours of hazing I had a beer. I was on my second beer when I decided it was a good idea to have a shot. Liquor is never a good idea for me or my husband. We can drink beer without issues, but if you pull a bottle of liquor out it is all over. I had told my husband that I didn't think it would be a good idea to drink liquor but he started....then so did I.

Now, I don't know if I would consider myself an alcoholic. I don't drink at all during the week. Usually one night each weekend I will have some beer with friends...usually a binge. I wait until my kids are sleeping usually and then over-indulge. I then spend the next day riding the couch...feeling like crap and getting absolutely nothing done. This vicious cycle is hurting my productivity, obviously, and I feel so guilty that I am not really "here" for the kids when I am all hungover.

Anyway, so, there I was...drinking shots. Most people left the party so I thought it would be a great idea to challenge a man to drink shot for shot with me. I am assuming it didn't last long. The last thing I remember...well, I don't know. I only know what I was told. I had to be carried into the house and put to bed. I fell asleep outside leaning against someone on the picnic table. In the meantime, my husband was getting mouthy with one of the few people left and finally he was brought to bed. Apparently, a while later my husband got up and threw up all over the bathroom. I then got up - I only know because my best friend saw me - and I must have went to use the bathroom and didn't make it...perhaps because there was puke all over...then proceeded to go back to bed...wet pants and all. That has NEVER happened to me. My friend attempted to wake me but I wouldn't get up. I didn't even know what I had done until she told me the next pants had dried somehow during the night.

The past few days have been filled with small flashes of what may have happened and getting to hear more and more stories of what happened that night. I am mortified.

I am not a kid anymore...I just feel terrible. I always feel bad if I drink liquor and can't remember what happened. I don't even know if I am considered an alcoholic because from what I have read most people drink a lot more frequently than I do. I do have alcoholism in my family. My father died from a bad liver. I guess I just feel so ashamed right now that it feels good to tell my story and the anonymity factor helps.

I read some other posts and one really got to me. It was about how afraid the person was to say that they would never have a drink again. I have events planned with friends all summer...friends that I drink with. I don't have any other friends. Everyone drinks. I would not be able to be around people drinking and not drink. When I was pregnant with my kids I basically hid in my house so that I wouldn't have to be around drinkers. It really bugs me to be around drunk people unless I am drunk too. I would have to find a whole new set of friends...cancel our plans to go to concerts and camping.

Anyways, I am not really sure what I am looking for here. I don't know what to do. I am just so embarassed about this past weekend and I feel terrible that I am ruining so much time being hungover when I should spending time with my kids. I feel like such a loser...and it is SO not me. I don't even know who I am anymore.
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Old 04-12-2010, 06:19 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 6
If I may add my 2 cents, please do not feel like a loser. Because you arent a loser. If I were you I would look at myself in the mirror, admit I dropped the ball, and pick myself up again. Start over. Its never to later to start over.

I was surrounded by alcoholic friends and relatives; it took some persistence on my part and, sadly, those friends and relatives dont associate with me anymore. I used to have a strong social life, but I also used to have a spouse, kids that respected me and a family to come home to.

I stopped drinking, stopped associating with negative influences and stopped pleasing others. My life is exactly that now, mine.

Yes, I lost my some friends but I gained self respect and admiration. Your friends will understand your choice to not drink, the true friends will, and those who dont, well, who needs them anyway? If drinking is not your choice I mean.

Dont be so hard on yourself. We all face setbacks. Its a part of life. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on. Tomorrow is another day. Each new day is a little brighter with one more smile out there so do yourself, do everyone a favour: SMILE.
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Old 04-12-2010, 06:27 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957

Oh the shame and embrassment will get you everytime.
For most I think that is why we quit or try to quit among other consequences of are actions. It takes time to forgive yourself. Hey, it could have been worst, right?
Maybe you don't have a problem with alcohol, but I would not drink the liquor anymore since you did know better. Try the 30 day test, do not drink for those days, then reevaluate, was it easy or did you have a problem?
For me I know I'm a alcoholic, when I drink I do not want/can't stop and usually there is always consequences, like shame or DUI arrest. I'm learning to live without alcohol in my life and I do not put myself in a position where I'm temped to drink. For me this works.
Let all of us know how you are doing in future events.

Last edited by tallcactus; 04-12-2010 at 06:29 PM. Reason: ^%$
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Old 04-12-2010, 06:30 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Somewhere in the midwest
Posts: 99
I have 44 days, drank in a similar fashion to you, not everyday, drunk once on the weekend, spent the next day sick and miserable, and all I can say is, you have to take it one day at a time. When I let my mind go to summer and the weekends and events,I get a little panicky inside. Pull it back to now, this moment, this evening, and all is well. Read the forums. Join in. Welcome!
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Old 04-12-2010, 06:44 PM
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bona fido dog-lover
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Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 100,095
Forgive yourself, learn from it, move forward again. That's all you can do. And make some changes in your life style that don't encourage drinking. I was a home alone drinker and I had to get used to, and comfortable with being alone without drinking. It's getting to feel so normal to not be drinking and I still remember how bad I felt the last time, mentally and physically and I don't want to go back there.

Start over. Do'nt drink for today. And never forget where you came from so you won't go back there.
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Old 04-12-2010, 08:03 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Here is an interesting link about the disease of alcoholism.
It certainly was an eye opener for me, hope the same
for you.....

Welcome to SR and to our Alcoholism Forum....
Blessings to you and your family
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Old 04-13-2010, 06:28 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: St. Louis, MO
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I think that when I quit drinking I learned who my real friends are. About 20% of them stuck with me and I know they always be there for me. The other 80% were just drinking buddies I guess.
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