I am completely alone in my recovery
loser
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New Ulm, MN
Posts: 2
I am completely alone in my recovery
I feel like I would be better off dead. Literally. I went into treatment a year ago. Since then I have relapsed three times. I get into a fight with my wife and all I can think to do is drink. I have no one and no where to go. I leave and drink on my way to school. She is truely one of the most narrow minded, hateful, mean, angry, unsupportive person I have ever met. I drank a shooter yesterday after we fought after marriage counseling and now I am completely screwed. She is determined to make me pay for my mistake. I feel like it would be so nice to be able to come home and get a huge hug and hear,"we'll get through this. Everything is going to be okay."
But instead I get yelled at, insulted, threatened, and belittled, which then makes me defensive. I just want things to be norma;l. I don't expect her to understand, but it would be nice if she could let me (or help me) get better. I know it would be so much easier to get a divorce, but we have two kids together which was a huge mistake but it's too late to regret anything.
Now she wants me to give her my new plan for recovery, but everything I can think of she says won't work or I have already tried and failed. Does anyone have any suggestions of something I can tell her to reassure her that I AM trying really hard to fix my problem?
I would like to fix it but I can't go back to treatment. I have too much time and money invested in school. I go to AA all the time but I live in a town with a lot of old people. AA sux! It is a bunch of 50+ year olds that have been sober for 20+ years. My sponsor (the youngest sponsor available at 55) quit drinking 18 years ago and never drank again. He doesn't understand why I would want to spend time with my kids instead of another AA meeting and gets super mad over any reason I have to not go to extra meetings (like work, school, family activities; he only works a couple months a year, dropped out of high school, and never had kids).
I am hoping maybe this would be a better route. Can anyone help me with any of this? I would appreciate anything. Thank you.
But instead I get yelled at, insulted, threatened, and belittled, which then makes me defensive. I just want things to be norma;l. I don't expect her to understand, but it would be nice if she could let me (or help me) get better. I know it would be so much easier to get a divorce, but we have two kids together which was a huge mistake but it's too late to regret anything.
Now she wants me to give her my new plan for recovery, but everything I can think of she says won't work or I have already tried and failed. Does anyone have any suggestions of something I can tell her to reassure her that I AM trying really hard to fix my problem?
I would like to fix it but I can't go back to treatment. I have too much time and money invested in school. I go to AA all the time but I live in a town with a lot of old people. AA sux! It is a bunch of 50+ year olds that have been sober for 20+ years. My sponsor (the youngest sponsor available at 55) quit drinking 18 years ago and never drank again. He doesn't understand why I would want to spend time with my kids instead of another AA meeting and gets super mad over any reason I have to not go to extra meetings (like work, school, family activities; he only works a couple months a year, dropped out of high school, and never had kids).
I am hoping maybe this would be a better route. Can anyone help me with any of this? I would appreciate anything. Thank you.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
There are various ways to quit drinking and stay stopped.
I do use AA.....but here is a list for you to explore
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html
Glad you found us....check back again
not all of our members use a structured program
and many of them are winning over alcohol....
Blessings to you and your family
Welcome to our recovery community.....
I do use AA.....but here is a list for you to explore
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html
Glad you found us....check back again
not all of our members use a structured program
and many of them are winning over alcohol....
Blessings to you and your family
Welcome to our recovery community.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Hi dbriggs welcome to SR.
I don't mean this to sound blunt but what your looking for is not really something anyone but you can give her. Just telling her something to make her happy isn't the way to go about it. Most likely she's looking for a change in actions rather than words. Don't take that the wrong way, just saying it because I have been there a couple times myself with past relationships.
By drinking on your way to school and drinking soon as you get out of marriage counseling that's showing her that your not doing whatever it takes to get/stay sober. So that's why she's not taking what your telling her serious.
I've relapsed myself quite a few times even after outpatient programs, AA, sponsors you name it. But when I finally got so sick of drinking and decided to take getting sober serious then my whole personality changed, and that's probably what she needs to see herself is not just words but changes in actions.
The only thing you can do is if you really want to get/stay sober then get a plan together for yourself whether its AA, counseling, sponsor or what works best for you, and then really try to work that plan. If you do that and stay sober then you wont need to tell her things because she will see changes for herself. But you can't let someone else affect your sobriety, you have to be sober for yourself first and foremost.
As weird as this may sound to you...that's actually the best kind of AA meetings to go to. Because those guys that are 50yrs old and been sober for 20 yrs got sober when they were about 30 yrs old (which sounds like is maybe close to your age now) and they have stayed sober for 20 yrs. So they know what to do to make it work. So those are the type of meetings which you can really learn from if you listen to those older guys. Nothing wrong with finding a few meetings of younger people though to help you feel more like your fitting in with like aged people.
Like I said hope you don't take anything i said the wrong way, not judging you at all because I have been there myself. Just trying to offer some help from what I am reading in your post.
I wish you the best of luck with sobriety as well as the family issues.
Steve
I don't mean this to sound blunt but what your looking for is not really something anyone but you can give her. Just telling her something to make her happy isn't the way to go about it. Most likely she's looking for a change in actions rather than words. Don't take that the wrong way, just saying it because I have been there a couple times myself with past relationships.
By drinking on your way to school and drinking soon as you get out of marriage counseling that's showing her that your not doing whatever it takes to get/stay sober. So that's why she's not taking what your telling her serious.
I've relapsed myself quite a few times even after outpatient programs, AA, sponsors you name it. But when I finally got so sick of drinking and decided to take getting sober serious then my whole personality changed, and that's probably what she needs to see herself is not just words but changes in actions.
The only thing you can do is if you really want to get/stay sober then get a plan together for yourself whether its AA, counseling, sponsor or what works best for you, and then really try to work that plan. If you do that and stay sober then you wont need to tell her things because she will see changes for herself. But you can't let someone else affect your sobriety, you have to be sober for yourself first and foremost.
It is a bunch of 50+ year olds that have been sober for 20+ years.
Like I said hope you don't take anything i said the wrong way, not judging you at all because I have been there myself. Just trying to offer some help from what I am reading in your post.
I wish you the best of luck with sobriety as well as the family issues.
Steve
Idiot!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 556
If I got in a fight with my wife I would not go and drink. YOU have to want it for YOU. Not just say you do, or even THINK you do. You really have to want it in your bones.
I am not meaning to criticise and if I have your wrong I apologise. I am speaking from my own experience - until I accepted step one myself it was impossible to begin to get fixed.
I am not meaning to criticise and if I have your wrong I apologise. I am speaking from my own experience - until I accepted step one myself it was impossible to begin to get fixed.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,773
Welcome to SR! 
I think you have to get active in recovery for YOURSELF, not your marriage or kids or anything else. You have to do the work it takes to get and stay sober for YOURSELF. Your actions will be noticed by others, but just work on you first. I wish you the best. :ghug3
I think you have to get active in recovery for YOURSELF, not your marriage or kids or anything else. You have to do the work it takes to get and stay sober for YOURSELF. Your actions will be noticed by others, but just work on you first. I wish you the best. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Howdy dbriggs.
Man, I have been where you have been. I have felt that anger and disappointment and resentment. In fact, when I was drinking, I was dominated by all that.
As the result of a spiritual awakening from thoroughly taking AA's 12 Steps, I've never had to feel like that again. I have freedom from that today.
Maybe you can start looking at the program of AA (the 12 Steps) instead of all the rest that goes with it.
The program doesn't mention age or length of sobriety, or job status or marital status. In fact, the program tells me those things are of little importance when it comes to getting sober.
Keep it simple, my friend. Can you stop drinking on your own? What does your past experience tell you? When you drink, do you have little control over how much you drink? When you have decided not to drink, can you manage that decision?
Or, are you like me? I made a thousand promises to myself an others that I wouldn't drink, and there I'd be, all drunk again. I didn't have the power to not drink.
That's the starting point, dbriggs. I had to set aside all the other things (divorce, job, jail, etc) and look only at my inability to stay sober.
If you are willing to do that, you can recover. If you are not, most likely you will continue to be dominated by a world that doesn't seem to treat you right.
Man, I have been where you have been. I have felt that anger and disappointment and resentment. In fact, when I was drinking, I was dominated by all that.
As the result of a spiritual awakening from thoroughly taking AA's 12 Steps, I've never had to feel like that again. I have freedom from that today.
Maybe you can start looking at the program of AA (the 12 Steps) instead of all the rest that goes with it.
The program doesn't mention age or length of sobriety, or job status or marital status. In fact, the program tells me those things are of little importance when it comes to getting sober.
Keep it simple, my friend. Can you stop drinking on your own? What does your past experience tell you? When you drink, do you have little control over how much you drink? When you have decided not to drink, can you manage that decision?
Or, are you like me? I made a thousand promises to myself an others that I wouldn't drink, and there I'd be, all drunk again. I didn't have the power to not drink.
That's the starting point, dbriggs. I had to set aside all the other things (divorce, job, jail, etc) and look only at my inability to stay sober.
If you are willing to do that, you can recover. If you are not, most likely you will continue to be dominated by a world that doesn't seem to treat you right.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
We buried a friend today and we'll be burying another one tomorrow. It wasn't what I had in mind but that's the way things are. A solution was offered and rejected with an excuse just like the ones you're coming up with.
It was cold and windy at the cemetery and a lot of thoughts were passing through my mind. Was there something I could have said? Did I give wrong directions somewhere? What could I have done different?
I doubt it and I doubt if a hug somewhere in the past would have made a difference anyhow.
Bottom line is that drinkers drink and alcoholics die from their alcoholism.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of watching it, I'm tired of hearing about it and I'm tired of hugging those that thumb their nose at the solution I offer.
Your wife's probably sick of it too.
It was cold and windy at the cemetery and a lot of thoughts were passing through my mind. Was there something I could have said? Did I give wrong directions somewhere? What could I have done different?
I doubt it and I doubt if a hug somewhere in the past would have made a difference anyhow.
Bottom line is that drinkers drink and alcoholics die from their alcoholism.
I'm tired of it. I'm tired of watching it, I'm tired of hearing about it and I'm tired of hugging those that thumb their nose at the solution I offer.
Your wife's probably sick of it too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Naperville
Posts: 1
I am that wife of an addict. I haven't smiled in 5 years. We are losing everything, my children know not to let friends in the house, I am exhausted and trying to save myself from a man who wont save himself. I need to be here for my children. I have been to rehab with my husband more times than I count, I have lived in fear, and I certainly do not want to hug the man who makes false promises time and again. Hugs don't work, threats don't work, only you can save yourself. It is not fair to put that on your wife, she is going through enough already.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome tiredoflife..
Here is the Forum for you to find support and understanding
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Sorry to know of your situation....
Here is the Forum for you to find support and understanding
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Sorry to know of your situation....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 323
Dbriggs have you ever woken up throwing up into the toilet and collapsed on your back on the tile saying "I don't want to do this anymore".
Heres my advice. Take that moment and run with it. Go to the AA meetings. Call a sponsor. To be honest with you I hate all the things you mention that you hate about some AA groups. Im almost 30. I like to lift weights and go to the beach and chase women. I found someone just like me. If you go to enough groups I promise you whatever thing you are into theres someone else in AA that is just the same whether its stamp collecting or dressing up in womens clothes or watching football whatever it is. I've been to the meetings you talk about trust me you haven't been to enough meetings. Branch out a little.
Heres my advice. Take that moment and run with it. Go to the AA meetings. Call a sponsor. To be honest with you I hate all the things you mention that you hate about some AA groups. Im almost 30. I like to lift weights and go to the beach and chase women. I found someone just like me. If you go to enough groups I promise you whatever thing you are into theres someone else in AA that is just the same whether its stamp collecting or dressing up in womens clothes or watching football whatever it is. I've been to the meetings you talk about trust me you haven't been to enough meetings. Branch out a little.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
This thread is just over 1 year old...
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I wonder whatever happened to dbriggs..the orginal poster?
Members come...members go
Bless them aall on their journey
To see the date...look just above the user name.
I wonder whatever happened to dbriggs..the orginal poster?
Members come...members go
Bless them aall on their journey
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