geekorunique

It's been probably the worst year of my life with regards to bad news and emotional chaos, up until this point though I had felt pretty serene. Then this last week things had hit me full force and I just couldn't seem to cope. I know that I should have gotten myself to a meeting and I know what happens to people who don't go to meetings. I'm in a different city just now though and I also know that isn't an excuse but I just didn't want to be around loads of new people.

My Granddad is in his final days, my Aunt died last week and my other Aunt has got a recurrence of lung cancer. It's so damn hard, but it's as if I'm frightened to show my emotions. I'm so scared that if I start crying it is going to consume me and I wont be able to stop.

I am also in a new relationship and that's taking second place, well third place in my life. My sobriety/higher power/me is obviously first, then my family stuff and then this girl that I am dating. Just feel all over the place, think that I need time to centre myself and get back on track.

Going to see my parents on Sunday and I think that is when I will break down a bit, if I allow myself. Just feel like a helicopter right now, once I am back home on Tuesday I am going to immerse myself in meetings and in the fellowship. Going to see my sponsor and get back into a healthier way of living. I can't control the relationship stuff, although I feel that I may lose her before I even really have her.

It's so damn hard to admit when you're 21 months sober than drink seems attractive. I know it's not the solution though and I don't have the urge today. Third step prayer will really have to carry me through this one!

xxx

WasteOFtime

It sounds like you know what you need to do, I can relate to the bad news and trying to cope with changes, in January 2006 I lost a great friend, who moved away, and found himself back in the cocaine trap, he went to purchase some and the guy shot him. Two months later I lost my dog which was huge for me because she was like a child to me, and then the whammy, August 2006 my mom passed away. It was the year of crap for me, but I made it through, and the thing that sticks out in my mind right now is the phrase "this too shall pass" and I said it everyday after praying. I went to a lot of meetings and stayed close to my real friends. Some of my real friends drove 5 hours to come to my moms funeral just to be close.

It is hard when you are in the moment, but time heals. No matter how hard life seems now it could always be worse. You have been able to stay off for almost 2 years and that is great!!! Just keep doing what you need to be doing, allow god to make the rules and don't have the "why" battle in your head, you WILL LOSE that battle.

So get out of your own head, go and help some people that need you the most in life and keep it simple

I am sorry for your troubles but it will pass,

CarolD

During my recovery years.....my Mother and only sibling died
other family members did too
Drinking had nothing to do with their deaths.

I know of 28 friends who died... most from alcohol related causes.

Why am I making a distinction?
To point out that death is a natural part of life

That alcoholics who choose to drink die needlessly.
In Tradition 9 .."co signing our death warrarents"
comes to my mind. And it's true ...IMO

Thru sad and bad times....I've not returned to the
deadly misconception that a drink would help.
I certainly hope you will not either geekorunique

Prayers for clarity and comfort coming your way..

sunrise1

This was a really timely message... my husband's mom just passed away and it's a very tough situation... I'm doing my best to support my husband and not totally lose it myself. Drink has been tempting but I am making calls, hit a meeting yesterday, and will again tomorrow before we head back up for the wake, etc.

kelsh

My Mom died when I had eight years of Sobriety, my Dad at twelve years, my Son failed a Suicide attempt & became a quadriplegic at 13 years my Brother was detoxing off drugs & alcohol at 20 years & I will have my 22nd year of Sobriety on July 10th 2010.

I never once even thought of a drink but got myself back to AA & saw a counselor for six months. I needed to find myself emotionally & concentrate on what I could change or not change.

I do not handle stress well anymore but it is me that crashes so when three of the issues that I cannot change hit me all at once in 2008, I ended up in a locked psychiatric ward for 10 days...some more counseling & am still sober & working the AA program & using the Serenity Prayer frequently.

My depression/anxiety became worse but am using all of the "Tools" I have gathered through the years that fit the emotional feelings.


kelsh :wub:

barb dwyer

Geekor-

I'm very sorry for your loss, and it's never easy no matter what.
Dying is the second most important thing we're ever going to do.

you wrote: I think that shows a good introspective awareness.
Shows 'it's working' .... you know I'm a firm believer in
setting the alarm clock - an hour or three -
freaking out until it goes off...
then stopping and moving on.
SOunds insane - but it works for me.
I saw it in a movie a long time ago and dang if it doesn't work!

If your 'center' comes from being immersed in family - then DO that.

If you'r center comes from reading - then DO that.
if your center comes from being up to your eyeballs in nature....


well you get the drif
Don't let the social stereotypical image
of 'stiff upper lip'
suffer in silence ... quiet desperation...
crap
direct your choreography of your emotions.

Feel.
it's what we're sober for.

Just don't let yourself get mired up
in the whole drama of the thing.
(I realize that's kinda like telling a pig
not to get too dirty, but you get the drift.)

keep it real.

you've got all this time behind you... and you have us.

You're not alone.

Dee74

I'm sorry for all the sorrow (((K)))

I think Carol's right - without getting morbid, death sickness and pain is a part of life whether we like or not, and we're obviously meant to deal with it, work through it, and come out the other side somehow better for it and at peace...

Stepping back and looking at it, I can't see where drinking fits into that - it numbs us and stops us moving on - & more than that, it destroys people like you and me.

I'm glad you're staying strong
D

coffeenut

Thank you for this thread, Geek.

I can't imagine dealing with what you are dealing with, but really, we all will, won't we?

I guess that's when we need sobriety the most....when things are the toughest.

Take good care of yourself. Remember that sobriety is a gift you gave yourself for a reason. You don't need to deal with what you are dealing with, and crawl back out of the bottle.

I'm glad you're here.

murrill

I have not experience loss in my immediate family since getting sober, but I have know several people who were in treatment and/or AA with me who died as a result of suicide and overdoses. It was pretty devastating in the beginning, even though people had warned me that I step over many bodies along the way. I suppose that my initial response was fear: Is that my future, too? I think I grieved more for the lives not lived--and for my own life-- than I did for the death of the physical beings.
By now I have been sober quite a while, and during that time my spiritual path has exposed me to different ways of seeing things. In the most general terms, I no longer view death as an ending but as a life transition. Yes, I miss those who have "passed," but in the end I find myself being grateful for the experience of them in my life. Did you ever hear about the two ocean waves that were about to crash onto the shore? One was fearful that his end was near, while the other reminded him that he was not a wave---he was part of the ocean. So it is that I have come to understand the spirit.
Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who devoted her life to the study of death & dying, said that in facing death we face the more ultimate question of the meaning of life. I find that I don't question "why?" so much anymore: It just is. Having said all that, it really is OK to show your emotions, to scream & kick & cry & get mad as fire. I often find that what I thought I was feeling is not what I really feel. And sometimes a series of events such as deaths can be a catalyst. And congratulations on 21 months, BTW.

wicked

geekorunique,

thank you for sharing this. i have been through much, and probably much more to come.
take care of you.

Tommyh

we have suffered thru 7 deaths since I got sober...go ahead and cry your eyes out,it washes the dust off our hearts..don`t be scared to be human and let others know how you feel about them,don`t be scared of love like I was...to give it and receive it..

HumbleBee

My heartfelt thoughts are with you, Geekorunique ~

I lost my younger brother, father, then mother all in a relatively short amount of time.

If I could change anything, it'd be that they could've seen me sober and happy before they passed.

But I can't change the past. I hold onto the belief that they can see me now and are at peace with that.

I've had some good crying moments that were very cleansing.

Be gentle and don't put too many demands on yourself right now. Live fully in the here and now with your loved ones - today - it's really all we've got. Sending up prayers of peace and comfort for you.

geekorunique

Thanks everyone so so much for this. I had felt so alone but I was creating that feeling for myself by not doing meetings.

I went to one today with people who I had never met before and I have never felt more at home! It was great to get rid of about a tonne of toxic waste from my head. I feel so much better and coming on to read all this has lifted my spirits again.

Centring myself will be to get back home to Glasgow, to get back to meetings, stop hiding from work! Need a bit of normality in my life.

Thanks guys..as ever for the strength. Gramps is still in hospital, very very tired. Hoping that isn't a bad sign...although I accept he is in his final days. Have learned that acceptance doesn't mean that you're happy about something you just know that it is going to happen.