surferdude9371

Im about a month and a half away from a cake and ive already made my mind up that im gonna relapse the day after. I cant seem to remember why i quit i have my list of bad things that happened to me and im still wanting to relapse. I know my girlfriend is going to leave me, i know it will be hard to face my friends and family after relapsing, and i know im throwing away alot but im just so sick of not being able to drink. I think my biggest problem is that i enjoy my sickness i enjoy feeling bad and its a lot easier to do that drunk than sober. I have already talked to a physiologist about this but he doesnt seem to get it i was hoping maybe someone else in recovery has faced this and can point me away from throwing away all of my hard work? thanks

Nettaja

If you think it will make things better why not. If you can drink once and then go another six weeks without doing so then maybe you don't have a problem?

surferdude9371

i know i have a problem and i know things will get worse im just losing my will to stay sober i "mentally" relapsed 6 months ago and the earning to physically relapse is getting worse.

RobbyRobot

Hmmm. Since the cake is a month and a bit away, its not making "sense" that you are planning a relapse that far in advance. It is clear you want to drink today actually, so how are you managing to stay clean today? What kept you away from drinking yesterday? Why the day before that?

Shame, guilt, resentments, anger, confusion, anxiety, duplicity, isolation and so on are the difficult experiences to deal with when setting up a planned drunk.

Joy, freedom, honesty, fellowship and friendships, honor, integrity, safety, understanding, forgiveness, openness, happiness, spirituality and so on are the positive experiences to accept when planning for another sober day.

Sorry for your tough times. Where are you today really, in all this, forget about six weeks from now?

RobbyRobot

bdiddy5522

I would say right here is enough of a reason. One night of drinking to loose all of this? I guess I don't get it. If alcohol is better than these things, then I guess we can't stop you.

surferdude9371

whats keeping me from drinking today is probably mostly not wanting to lose my girlfriend i finally found a girl i could eventually settle down with and i told her when we first started dating that if i ever relapse to get the hell away from me and i hope she would if i do.

why a day after my cake not now? i really wanna prove to myself that i can make it to a year i dont know its stupid but its kept me going this long.

bmwcycle

What about facing yourself?
Do you want your girlfriend to leave?
Do you want an excuse to not face your family and friends?
I am not sure how this all works. I stopped counting days because it made false milestones, also increased the temptation drink.

All I know is things are still tough sober but not as tough as when I was drinking..

Good Luck and enjoy,


Tim

bdiddy5522

One more thing. Since you are talking about a cake, I am assuming you are in AA? I would strongly suggest you go back to steps 1-3 and really take them to heart. If you are planning a relapse, it is obvious that you have not fully taken to heart these steps.

bdiddy5522

So what do we do when we hit a goal? We set new ones. We don't stop. At least not successful people. Always strive. Hit a year, pat yourself on the back and then go for two years.

Anna

Surferdude,

I do understand what you said about enjoying feeling bad. I sabotaged myself countless times because I felt more comfortable failing and feeling bad, than I did in succeeding. In fact, I was really scared of succeeding at staying sober because it would mean I needed to change so much.

I had to seriously give myself permission to have a good life, and to believe that I deserved a good life. We all do, including you.

I hope that you can find enough self-love to prevent yourself from relapsing.

keithj

Yeah, forget Steps 2-3 for a minute. The lie (or delusion as the book calls it) is that the relapse is a planned, rational, decision.

Thinking that the relapse is a concious decision gives the illusion of power over alcohol. It's just an illusion. Very Step 1 stuff.

Doomed to drink again, I find some way of having that drink make sense to me. My ego finds a way to promote the illusion of control.

surferdude9371

"I felt more comfortable failing and feeling bad, than I did in succeeding."

Thats exactly my problem ive been miserable so long that it feels normal and having things go well feels uncomfortable how did you overcome this?

Boleo

The "Bad things that happened to me" never kept me sober for more than a few weeks.

It was not until I surrendered the idea that I could manage my own sobriety, that the obsession to drink left me.

MidwestSheRides

Thanks for posting, SD!

How about proving to yourself that you're worth it: worth having a chance, worth having the good life as you see it.

Take the drink and you've thrown all that out the window. The good life doesn't come in a bottle.

I understand about the uncomfortable feeling. 'Normal' feels uncomfortable. 'Change' equals uncomfortable. 'Growing' is uncomfortable for us. It's easier for us addicts/alcoholics to hide under 'easy' and not have to face ANYTHING! When we finally start having to facing things, coping with thing, dealing with things, it hurts.

Someone said to me not long ago that you need to face your own evil in order to grow. For me, as uncomfortable as it makes me and as much as I hate it sometimes, I am choosing to change and choosing to grow.

I want the good life.





as an aside, your post made me smile as I noticed your location. I lived in your metro area for 11 years and miss it so. So thanks again for posting.

penny74

" I think my biggest problem is that i enjoy my sickness i enjoy feeling bad and its a lot easier to do that drunk than sober."

l have heard this before.
That some people actually enjoy feeling bad.
That that in its self is a sort of addiction...
Wonder what the shrinks have to say about that ?
Hope you will be carefull.

yeahgr8

Am a little confused with the cake reference, are you in AA? Have you done the steps and had a spiritual awakening? Do you have a sponsor?

north

I'm also confused about the cake...

For what it's worth, when my one-year came up last month, I had already decided that I would treat it just like any other day. Although it was just a fraction of the reason, I didn't want to fall into any mental traps that might lead me to drop my guard. Of course, I also had one or two friends who have been totally against my decision to quit ... they had been urging me to get back to boozing 'like a man's supposed to do' once my one year anniversary was up.

Nevertheless

I can relate.
I came very close to drinking at the 6 month mark. I told myself, just a few more days and the H%$# with it. But once I got past it I was OK.
Now I am also coming up on a year at the end of march, and I have also had ideas in the back of my mind about throwing in the towel. I have seen several people in AA relapse at the 1 year mark. I am very aware of the dangers, and I plan on staying sober.
I think the things on my "bad things" list will keep me sober.
Maybe you should look at your "bad things " list again. I'll bet you can find more things to add to it.
I kind of see the one year mark as alcohols last fighting attempt to make us give in.
I can remember when I made it a week, and couldn't believe it.
Then a month, and couldn't believe it.
Then 3 months and couldn't believe it.
I think this has reminded me of that (I can't believe I made it feeling), because I really was forgetting just how hard those first few days and months are.
I think you bringing it out in the open is the best thing you can do.
I hope you don't give in.
Fred

24hrsAday

i Remember When i Was in My 20's and in A.A. The First Time.. Even Though Things Got Very Bad Because of My Drinking i Was Unable To Continue With The Program Because i Lacked The Willingness I.E. i Was Not Yet Ready.. Good Luck To You surfer!

Wolfchild