hughs dad

Hi all,

I hope everyone is doing well. I lost my job three weeks ago. I have been drinking again. Nothing crazy, no blackouts, no dumb behavior, but drinking. What I've noticed is that I am more numb to life when drinking (not that, that is good) then when not. When I'm not drinking I am more positive, go to meetins and get around positive people, exercise more, just am more involoved in life. Drinking has lead me to some pretty bad places metally in the past.

I guess what I am saying is I am drinking again and it's not really good or really bad, it just kind of is.... I hate writing this post, but the community has done so much good for me in my life I feel the need to be honest. One problem I have is when I quit drinking I am sooooo "gung ho" about it. I tell everyone I know that I've stopped and this time for GOOD! I go to meetings, read the literature, listen to the book on my ipod, etc...

I relapsed about a month ago. What was going through my head was I was mad at myself for being overweight, I was mad that I had a dead end job (and appears I was right lol), I was mad that my life didn't seem to be getting any better. So what did I do? I dropped my son off at his mom's and went straight to a bar. I ordered my trusted freind (knob creek and diet coke). Had two within the hour. When I came home I told my wife that I wanted to have a few beers that night and she flipped out. My problem with all of this is I feel that my calling out my own drinking issues back fires on me. In other words, it's me that entered AA volentarily. My wife has never shown any concern with my drinking but once I entered AA I feel like she did (understandably)...

So, where I am at now is, I want a sober life. I really do. Given my financial situation I can't imagine I'll hit a "low bottom" simply due to I can't really do anything. I just feel that if I go to AA again and give it another shot (and then fail) it might cost me my marriage. It's as if I would be giving myself my own ultimatum...

Anyway, just wanted to share the bad news just like I always have the good news. I hope all of you out there are doing well. Also, any newcomers who read this, stay in the community it's really great and does work for many (and who knows, maybe one day - me!...

suki44883

(((HUGH'S DAD))) That's all.

hughs dad

suki - what does that mean please?

suki44883

Oh, sorry...it's a big HUG!

DayWalker

Hi Hughs dad, I remember you.

Money or "doing" something isn't needed at all to hit a low bottom. My lowest bottom wasn't the times I was in jail or car wrecks or fights. My lowest bottom was sitting at home alone drunk in the dark, and that doesn't cost more than about $10 to do that.

Get up, dust yourself off and try again. It's much better than the alternative.

Steve

Kerbcrawler

Hi,Hughs dad, can relate to much you say..Anythin i do i go bigtime gun ho, an let the world know about it..Then when i crash end up really feelin so much worse, cause ive told all about..and made a big song an dance about it..So decided this time to use a little decorum/tact, Keep in nice an quiet an just go for again with re,newed Vigour and resolve, i Too have had many many fails at this..Only 11 days in this time, but goin at it, havin forgotten past failures, they are very much irrelevant, hope you can pick up work soon,its a hard thing to do,try to keep your spirit up,i too in a dead end job,luckily still have, an just about pays the bills. Best of luck to you Sir.

penny74

Know how you feel.
Wish you well.

keithj

Sorry to hear of your difficulties, hdad.

I'm just trying to share what was useful to me. I'm trying to share the truth. I don't consider any of the activities you describe as gung ho. Gung ho is 4th Step in week 2. Gung ho is making amends at a month sober.

What you describe, and I hope you take this as it's intended, is making a firm resolution not to drink again and advertising it. Why are you advertising it? I don't know. I did the same thing at one time.

The BB talks about repeating over and over that cycle of making that firm resolution to not drink, getting restless and discontent, going on a spree, becoming remorseful, making that firm resolution to not drink, etc. Over and over. The BB tells us that unless we can experience an entire psychic change, there is very little hope of recovery.

Have you taken the action necessary to bring about that entire psychic change?

The problem for me was, that although I could make that resolution, or decision, I could not manage it. The whole big question of 'Why couldn't I stick to it?' was the real nature of my alcoholism.

Yes, those all seem like perfectly logical reasons why you drank. What cracked the door for me was considering the possibility that those reasons were lies. Maybe those perfectly logical reasons were just BS my brain makes up to justify succumbing to an obsession that I am powerless over. The real problem for me was that I had lost the power of choice in taking a drink.

Stone cold sober, not physically addicted, I was doomed to pick up that first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. That is the nature of alcoholism as described in the Big Book. The main problem centers in my mind.

You say you sincerely want to stop drinking for good an all. AA has a solution that works every time, if you are willing to do what is suggested.

quotes from aabb1st

CarolD

I sure hope you will again get back to sobriety.


Did you notice this?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ble-death.html

jamdls

Your story sounds like every time I've quit smoking cigarettes in the past 15 yrs. I'm a serial quitter...I quit and after a week or less I announce it to the world, I'm so proud of myself and I "know" I will never smoke again, I'm so happy and I want to share that. Then something happens, I gain weight/I get angry/sad/bored/happy etc and I smoke and then I smoke some more. But when I stopped drinking I just stopped, I made no announcements, I really didn't talk about it much until I hit that 1 year mark and that to me was something to celebrate, then again on the 2 yr mark. To quit smoking or drinking or drugs, I think, it has to be for YOU, you have to really want it and feel it is necessary; and possibly the "gung ho" attitude sets us up for a downfall cause it's "hey look at me" instead of being a deep emotional/personal choice. Be true to yourself.

intention

Hi HD,

I am glad you are back - I have wondered how you are doing.

If you haven't done so already, I suggest you re-read Keith's post above. That's exactly how it is.

I hope you stay here this time. SR is a great place to share.

tyler

I'm not personally a 12-step person, but I've been to enough meetings to know that they don't shoot their wounded (anymore than we here at SR do) If you found AA to be helpful before in staying sober, why wouldn't you go back?? Work on it with your sponsor. Talk to other people in the rooms about it, like you are doing here. Obviously you felt like your drinking was causing enough problems in your life to make the effort to go to meetings, to seek out advice here, to tell everyone you knew that you weren't drinking. It's a practice in humality to admit that you have made mistakes in your life. It's only bad if you learn nothing from them.

I highlighted the one sentence because I don't understand how going to AA and failing is more likely to cost you your marriage than continuing to drink. I personally have found it helpful at times like this to go back and read some of your posts that you wrote when you first got here. Though I've followed your story, I haven't gone back and re-read any of your posts. My guess is you came here questioning your drinking habits, came to realize it was causing problems in your life that would be improved if you quit drinking, you made the decision to quit, started going to meetings for support, and somewhere you lost your way. Now you are here again. Like I said, I didn't actually re-read anything, but I'm guessing I'm at least close. Nobody finds this site by mistake. You don't just wander into an AA meeting out of curiosity. You do these things because you feel like you have a problem. It's been my experience that if you feel you have a problem you usually do.

That's about all I got. Consider it advice from someone who did lose their marriage, not because I reached out for help, but because I continued to use. Now the relationship is gone and it's hard to look back on it without thinking, "why did it take so long." Hang in their brother. Do what you need to do to make it happen. Take care.

hughs dad

Thanks everyone - especially Tyler and Keith. Very good advice. I am going to give this thing another attempt today. I drank last night (didn't blackout but definitley drank enough to be intoxicated) - and didn't have fun. I want off this merry go round. I want to live and feel and accomplish, etc... I just feel like such a phony. I've quit so many times but alway come back. Oh well, I am going to give this thing another try. Going to a meeting at noon. Wish me luck!

hughs dad

Carole, thanks for that link. Very disturbing but motivating!

hughs dad

Hi all. Well, I did go to a meeting and ran into my old sponsor (I swear I see thi guys every where, it's like someone is trying to tell me something). Anyway, meeting went great, I got a start over token and he and I had lunch and talked. His advice is I can't do this on will power alone. He says what will stand between me and the drink is my higher power. Makes a lot of sense. I am going to try and go to a meeting per day. Thanks everyone for letting me come back. I will get this thing sooner or later!!!

CarolD

I'm so pleased you are getting re-committed to AA.

It's certainly been an awesome adventure
in living sober for me.....
And it can be for you as well HD.

Recovery1983

Hey Hughsdad, I wish you the best during this process. I, myself, am starting over and hopefully it will be for good. Right now, i'm doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I'll tell you that will power is definitely not enough. I tried it that way more than once. If you read any of my posts, you'll see that I'm sick of cycle. One thing I've realized as an alcoholic is that my mind is probably my biggest enemy. My mind will play tricks on me. The tricks wont just be regarding to alcohol but with other aspects of my life. Like a web, everything is tied together and when one aspect is down, it will affect other aspects, including alcohol.

Anyways, set little goals like going to 7 meetings in 7 days and then so on. When I quit last week, I felt overwhelmed with shame, guilt, embarrassment, and the list goes on. As I started to go to a meeting a day, little things started to come together. My mind is still a mess but less of a mess since I stopped drinking.

"Thanks for letting me come back" - In order for this community to let you come back, they had to kick you out or said you werent allowed. I dont think the community ever had those intentions.

hughs dad

Still not drinking! Day 3, actually working on Day 4 (after midnight)...

Recovery1983

Good job Hughsdad!!! I dont know exactly what day i'm on and I dont really seem to mind as long as I'm not drinking. I actually treated myself tonight to sushi so that I would have a little incentive to not drink or go out. I just ordered takeout and now i'm just watching movies and eating sushi. I mean it is Saturday night and we should enjoy a little right? As an alcoholic, I just have to figure out different ways to enjoy the weekends. Anyways, good work and like everyone says, one day at a time.

otter

Hang in there bud, do what you have to do to not hit rock bottom again. Remembering detox is what does it for me. I've never felt so low in my life and just don't want to go through that ever again. I don't know if I could actually. It sounds like you can hear the train coming, get off the tracks.