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Old 03-07-2010, 03:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Memory lane... anyone ever have a day... they just really ... think?


Hello everyone... it's me, Paulos... former chat host etc... I have 25 days sober... uh... man the past days that I was messed up really made me think about the past 6 years how it has passed so quickly.

I still cannot believe I am 24 years old, almost 24 years old and a half and well... and well... not only has not much really been accomplished for myself, I always feel like I'm regressing in my life skills and so on. This is a melody/song you may have heard from me before, definitely in different lyrical content *ha ha* but in reality I sometimes tend to dwell on it more than others.

I just wish I was 18 or 19 again, it's like I'm talking as if my age was terrible, while in reality I'm still 24 I feel like I'm too dumb for it... or something, it's bad enough being autistic and all I just HATE THAT MY MEMORIES OF THE PAST FEW YEARS HAVE BEEN OF BINGING ON ALCOHOL OR THE OCCASIONAL OPIATES, oh it is very disappointing...

I am just glad to be back here... I don't know what to really say it's just I feel overloaded and I can't get it out, and it's like I look back at something I did in early 2008 and I remember it but I want to remember EXACTLY how I did it, why I did it and ... so on... and since it's been a long time ago I kind of freak to myself that I'm retarded since I cannot remember it.

Well... just thought I should post this. I have so many regrets right now just about myself, it's like even if I stay sober another year, I'm still useless in society it feels like... wow I'm so ... lost, compared to a year ago or so ... ugh.
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Old 03-07-2010, 05:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hello everyone... it's me, Paulos... former chat host etc... I have 25 days sober... uh... man the past days that I was messed up really made me think about the past 6 years how it has passed so quickly.

I still cannot believe I am 24 years old, almost 24 years old and a half and well... and well... not only has not much really been accomplished for myself, I always feel like I'm regressing in my life skills and so on. This is a melody/song you may have heard from me before, definitely in different lyrical content *ha ha* but in reality I sometimes tend to dwell on it more than others.

I just wish I was 18 or 19 again, it's like I'm talking as if my age was terrible, while in reality I'm still 24 I feel like I'm too dumb for it... or something, it's bad enough being autistic and all I just HATE THAT MY MEMORIES OF THE PAST FEW YEARS HAVE BEEN OF BINGING ON ALCOHOL OR THE OCCASIONAL OPIATES, oh it is very disappointing...

I am just glad to be back here... I don't know what to really say it's just I feel overloaded and I can't get it out, and it's like I look back at something I did in early 2008 and I remember it but I want to remember EXACTLY how I did it, why I did it and ... so on... and since it's been a long time ago I kind of freak to myself that I'm retarded since I cannot remember it.

Well... just thought I should post this. I have so many regrets right now :just about myself, it's like even if I stay sober another year, I'm still useless in society it feels like... wow I'm so ... lost, compared to a year ago or so ... ugh.
I was 34 before I got clean and started this recovery thing,....so don't be too hard on yourself about the age thing,....you've got me beat by 10 years good for you.

25 days sober,....good for you,...keep up the good work
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Old 03-07-2010, 08:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Yes, and I'm 43, nearly 44!!! Can you imagine being 20 years older than you are now, just learning how to not drink for the first time! You're doing great!!!!!!!! Regrets are a waste of time. All we have is NOW. Move forward in a positive way - that's all any of us can do...:ghug3
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Old 03-07-2010, 08:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I suppose you are correct, I am quite OCD about many things... especially my age. My mother mentioned me turning 25 this morning and I almost hit the roof :-p thanks for the support! :]
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Old 03-09-2010, 01:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I WISH I had quit drinking at 24 instead of 34, then I wouldn't be looking back on most of my oldest son's life and thinking how much of a better mother I could have been. What a better friend I could have been, etc. etc. Honey, you are still so young and regrets don't do any good, that is one thing I'm still trying to learn. But, whatever age we are when we get sober is better than never having lived sober. That's what I keep telling myself
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Old 03-20-2010, 03:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 03-22-2010, 11:04 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hey Paulos,

I know exactly what you mean, I got sober just before my 25th birthday and I definitely had the "I just wish I could turn back the clock to when I was 19" kind of thing. But you know, the longer you're working the program (and the more you put into it) the less you will regret the past. I'm at almost 7 months sober right now, and I'm not going to lie, sometimes I still do traverse memory lane. Most of the time, it's pretty much involuntary. But you have to realize that it's not condusive to your sanity/recovery to beat yourself up about these things. Everyone else who's posted on this is right though, you've saved yourself on another 10-20 years of misery (which I'm sure would have brought some new residents to memory lane...if you know what I mean).

For me, it was REALLY difficult not to beat myself up every day in the first two months of sobriety because my job allowed me to just think and think and think all day (I do data entry assignments... so yeah, mindless work...) and I just wasted so much time beating myself up about the people in my life that I had pushed away because of my addiction. People I actually did care about, but I got sick of when they didn't give me what I wanted or refused to see things my way. I still have to make amends to some of them.

What I suggest is when those thoughts pay you a visit (or vice versa) try asking your higher power to remove them from you. And if you have a lot of free time, find a hobby, something to give you purpose. (I'm going to have to give my sponsor credit for that one...)

Thanks,
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Old 04-07-2010, 03:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hey Paulos,

I know exactly what you mean, I got sober just before my 25th birthday and I definitely had the "I just wish I could turn back the clock to when I was 19" kind of thing. But you know, the longer you're working the program (and the more you put into it) the less you will regret the past. I'm at almost 7 months sober right now, and I'm not going to lie, sometimes I still do traverse memory lane. Most of the time, it's pretty much involuntary. But you have to realize that it's not condusive to your sanity/recovery to beat yourself up about these things. Everyone else who's posted on this is right though, you've saved yourself on another 10-20 years of misery (which I'm sure would have brought some new residents to memory lane...if you know what I mean).

For me, it was REALLY difficult not to beat myself up every day in the first two months of sobriety because my job allowed me to just think and think and think all day (I do data entry assignments... so yeah, mindless work...) and I just wasted so much time beating myself up about the people in my life that I had pushed away because of my addiction. People I actually did care about, but I got sick of when they didn't give me what I wanted or refused to see things my way. I still have to make amends to some of them.

What I suggest is when those thoughts pay you a visit (or vice versa) try asking your higher power to remove them from you. And if you have a lot of free time, find a hobby, something to give you purpose. (I'm going to have to give my sponsor credit for that one...)

Thanks,
Well that makes me feel proud to be 19, LOL.
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Old 04-07-2010, 06:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Congratulations on the 25 days sober! That's a pretty great accomplishment, and you should be proud of yourself. Not a whole lot of people your age are able to see their problem until they are my age.

Keep up the great work, and stay in touch with your progress.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:09 AM   #10 (permalink)
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If I looked back at my past lunacy, wasted time, etc I would be in deep doo doo Paulos. I drank and drugged for 28 years.

That is why it is critical to live in the present. We have to acknowledge our past, make amends where needed, and move on.

When I find myself stuck in dwelling on the past, I take action now to change the direction of my thoughts. Gratitude lists really help, as does going to a meeting, or calling a friend in sobriety to help snap me out of it. I also find logging on to SR and reading posts from people struggling, and offering my support takes me out of my head right away.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:16 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Nah man cleared up the past working the steps of AA, the past wasn't all wasted there are valuable lessons to learn and also some personal assets to bring into the present...before i just couldn't get over the guilt or remourse i felt about it....
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Old 04-09-2010, 05:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Old 04-09-2010, 08:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks for posting on this all, yes I'm still feeling kind of the same even after my sobriety of 21 days right now... I know I am not going backwards but ... I just feel so darn BAD ... drat... everything feels incorrect as well... darn it, darn darn... and darn. I'm so afraid if I don't remember everything of yesterday or the past month I'll be in so much trouble......
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Old 04-11-2010, 02:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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At least your'e smart enough to realize at age 24 what it took me until I was 50 to learn. I'm not taking you lightly, but I nearly laughed out loud when you say, " I wish I could go back to when I was 19 or 20." You still have a decent chance to make something out of your life!
I would advise you not to wait to straighten your life as long as I did. while I have learned to "accept the things I cannot change" Let me tell you Paulos, The train wreck of my past is always there, & it SUCKS. Former friends who will not give me the time of day & do not care if they EVER see me again, Good, decent women I threw away, who hooked up with someone else, & started a family. Then, there are the scores of people who remember how I made an ass of myself at parties & other social events...
You still have time to turn things around. I'm sober ( for which I am VERY grateful), but in many aspects I BLEW it & my life is basically over. DO something.
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I was 34 before I got clean and started this recovery thing,....so don't be too hard on yourself about the age thing,....you've got me beat by 10 years good for you.

25 days sober,....good for you,...keep up the good work
43 here, so don't YOU feel bad. LOL

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Old 04-14-2010, 10:20 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Hey Paulos,

Its time to forgive yourself for past transgressions and start moving forward. Someone used an acronym here recently that I really liked & it might be something you may appreciate FLY = Finally Loving Yourself

I as well as many of us alcoholics on this board & around the world have made many many mistakes at many levels. We are here now working on our recovery & trying to be the best people we can & starting to focus on helping others.

You are still very young & have a whole life ahead of you my friend, please don't let the past hold you back. The quote that is in my signature is from a picture that I gave my Father when I was a kid. I know that my higher power was there with me the day I picked it out as it means more & more for me everyday.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"

Come on Paulo, you can do this. Just work on it one day at a time a little at a time & things will slowly get better. I have been reading your posts & can see how you are an intelligent person with a lot of emotions, you can use these qualities in positive ways for yourself & to help others.

I would be embarrassed to watch a movie clip of some of the things I was doing at your age (drinking, drugs etc.) you are here trying to become a better person. That is a huge accomplishment my friend. You say you tried AA, but did you really work the steps with a sponsor or try to find a group that you felt comfortable in? It takes more than a couple of meetings to "get IT". Its really helping me right now.

Take care my friend

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Old 04-17-2010, 02:57 PM   #17 (permalink)
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30 years old. Been drinking since I was 25. Looking back over the last year of my life is depressing. I was sober, things were getting better, drank and lost it all and then some. You are moving in the right direction. Just remember: STAY SOBER and you'll do ok. BTW 25 is early days yet. The life expectancy of the average male in the west is I believe 75 so you have another 50 years to make up for the last 6. 'kay!
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Old 04-17-2010, 06:08 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I completely understand what you are going through-I am 27 and got sober this year at 27. I have gone through in the beginning of my sobriety, the low period-of realizing the mistakes I made, the doors I have closed, and the damage I have done to my body. But, this is a part of recovery-learn from it, and move on. Also, use your memory in a positive way-respect what you have learned to help you in the future. Weigh the pros and the cons of your new life choice when you feel tempted. I was releived to read your post because after the tough times at the beginning 30-40 days of my sobriety, I felt great for a while after. Now, suddenly at 104 days, I am back to feeling awful about my past. But, I have been learning that those feelings are my alcoholic mind coming back to haunt me again-they are not helpful thoughts. Someoe mentioned above to ask your higher power to take away those thoughts-and I think that advice is rock solid. I have tried it and it worked for me.

Hang in there and remember-things can only get better. My worst days in sobriety are 10 times better than my best days of drkinking. Things only get better from here. There will be hard times-but stay strong, ask for help and the good times will come back to you.

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Old 04-17-2010, 06:45 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Congratulations on 25. It was 50 for me.......
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Old 04-18-2010, 02:04 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Congrats on 25 days Paulos. When you mentioned your age I thought, wow, you have the insight at this early age to take responsibility for your life. I wish I'd had that at 24. I started drinking at 17 and drank heavily for four decades. I never knew what two days sober meant. I rember reflecting on one of those decades, and saying, I've been drunk every night for 10 years. What was drunk? Anything from half a dozen to 10 beers a night. You know, like you, I also want to turn the clock back, but you have to take the present and embrace it and celebrate the space you have found for yourself now. The present is all we have, and the very best we can do is to build on it. I think your 25 days at 24 is fantastic! (:
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