Relationships Surviving Sobriety
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Relationships Surviving Sobriety
My relationship isn't doing so well tonight. I've been a lot more irritable since I stopped drinking and I try to curtail it, but am far from perfect. I'm snappy and sometimes I probably take my moods out on my boyfriend (who I live with) although I don't mean to.
Things that didn't bother me when I was a drunk bother me now and I get upset more. My emotions sometimes overwhelm me. I try to talk to the bf about these things, but I get the feeling it's in one ear and out the other.
Tonight he tells me he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me and that he doesn't know what I need to do to improve my mood but I should do it or else... (he doesn't know what "or else" is). He says that my mood is fine "most of the time" but I can see how it would be upsetting to go from a relationship where you never fought to one where you are living with a person that gets randomly irritable/bitchy. Apparently he likes me much better when I don't give a **** about anything.
I have tried to explain to him that this is probably part of the withdrawal process and that I won't be this way forever. I've tried to explain that sometimes I just need time alone when I'm feeling irritable and to give me time without taking it personally. He doesn't get it and doesn't seem to want to try to get it. I feel very alone in this all of the sudden.
He's been supportive, but this moodiness is something he obviously can't deal with. I can't pretend to be a ray of sunshine all of the time when I'm not. I haven't allowed myself to feel for almost 10 years and now, sometimes I'm overwhelmed with emotions (good and bad). It's hard to deal with. It's hard that he doesn't/can't/won't understand.
I probably should be in therapy to help me with this emotional overload. It makes me angry to think of all of the things I have dealt with from him and when I'm moody for a month it's the end of the world.
I need advice or some understanding. Should I try to pretend that life is just peachy so I don't disturb his life? I don't think I can do that. I'm not sure how to feel right now.
Things that didn't bother me when I was a drunk bother me now and I get upset more. My emotions sometimes overwhelm me. I try to talk to the bf about these things, but I get the feeling it's in one ear and out the other.
Tonight he tells me he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me and that he doesn't know what I need to do to improve my mood but I should do it or else... (he doesn't know what "or else" is). He says that my mood is fine "most of the time" but I can see how it would be upsetting to go from a relationship where you never fought to one where you are living with a person that gets randomly irritable/bitchy. Apparently he likes me much better when I don't give a **** about anything.
I have tried to explain to him that this is probably part of the withdrawal process and that I won't be this way forever. I've tried to explain that sometimes I just need time alone when I'm feeling irritable and to give me time without taking it personally. He doesn't get it and doesn't seem to want to try to get it. I feel very alone in this all of the sudden.
He's been supportive, but this moodiness is something he obviously can't deal with. I can't pretend to be a ray of sunshine all of the time when I'm not. I haven't allowed myself to feel for almost 10 years and now, sometimes I'm overwhelmed with emotions (good and bad). It's hard to deal with. It's hard that he doesn't/can't/won't understand.
I probably should be in therapy to help me with this emotional overload. It makes me angry to think of all of the things I have dealt with from him and when I'm moody for a month it's the end of the world.
I need advice or some understanding. Should I try to pretend that life is just peachy so I don't disturb his life? I don't think I can do that. I'm not sure how to feel right now.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Fuzzy, I could have written your post myself! Over the 10 months of my sobriety, I have gone through a number of changes and have dragged my husband of 30 years through each and every one of them! I could go on and on, but I went through a phases ranging from: 1) You should appreciate what I'm doing 2) I'm doing this with my life, what are you going to do about your shortcomings? 3) You should put me on a pedestal becasue this is incredibly hard 4) I'm starting to feel strong in myself, I don't like "x" habit of yours and you should do something about it 5) Why don't you know what day I'm on? 6) I don't have to be chipper every moment of the day!
Do you see my drift...it was/is all about ME!!!!!!! I'm not saying that is what you are doing, but at each stage I thought that I would feel that way forever, when in actuality, it was a phase. RIGHT NOW, I'm in a phase of acceptance. My husband is responsible for himself and I am responsible for me. Once I accepted that he was going to be who he is, a lot of friction disappeared. I will say that we are closer now than we have been in YEARS, but it took some time. You're right...there's the physical withdrawal, then the mental, then the emotional and mental rebuilding and growth that comes with recovery. And all of this takes time....lots of time....and patience on both sides. My husband would have benefited from Al-Anon, but it wasn't his thing. Perhaps your boyfriend might see it as a way to understand this process. When drinking, I was happy on the outside all the time. Once I got sober, I discovered that it was OK to be human and my moods were my moods. Still, with that in mind, there were times I needed to journal (I still do) and that helped me vent as well as be able to look back and see the changes that I have been going through. I'm an avid reader and loved the book "A place called Self" by Stephanie Brown. It's about a woman's journey in sobriety and she speaks about the different periods we go through. Perhaps that would be helpful to you.
I'm sorry that I've been all over the lot here, but this is a topic that I've spent a lot of time on.
Do you see my drift...it was/is all about ME!!!!!!! I'm not saying that is what you are doing, but at each stage I thought that I would feel that way forever, when in actuality, it was a phase. RIGHT NOW, I'm in a phase of acceptance. My husband is responsible for himself and I am responsible for me. Once I accepted that he was going to be who he is, a lot of friction disappeared. I will say that we are closer now than we have been in YEARS, but it took some time. You're right...there's the physical withdrawal, then the mental, then the emotional and mental rebuilding and growth that comes with recovery. And all of this takes time....lots of time....and patience on both sides. My husband would have benefited from Al-Anon, but it wasn't his thing. Perhaps your boyfriend might see it as a way to understand this process. When drinking, I was happy on the outside all the time. Once I got sober, I discovered that it was OK to be human and my moods were my moods. Still, with that in mind, there were times I needed to journal (I still do) and that helped me vent as well as be able to look back and see the changes that I have been going through. I'm an avid reader and loved the book "A place called Self" by Stephanie Brown. It's about a woman's journey in sobriety and she speaks about the different periods we go through. Perhaps that would be helpful to you.
I'm sorry that I've been all over the lot here, but this is a topic that I've spent a lot of time on.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Heya Fuzzy,
I'm not sure I have any good advice as I'm going through a divorce. But, I can relate. When I first got sober my sponsor suggested that I give him three compliments a day. Then write them down each night to be accountable.
When I did this the mood in the house changed. It's a simple yet effective little thing. We train ourselves to be a better spouse/girlfriend whatever. Also, I let him know that I was ultimately doing this (ie: getting sober) so I could be a better wife to him (yeah, sometimes bending the truth doesn't hurt). That gets some compassion going as far as that goes.
It helped that I threw myself into my own recovery. That I went to meetings and started to build this outside life seperate from him. You know, like NORMAL people. ;-)
Mine didn't stay sober. So ultimately what we turned into was one huge blob of alcoholism and mental illness. <gross>
I'm not sure I have any good advice as I'm going through a divorce. But, I can relate. When I first got sober my sponsor suggested that I give him three compliments a day. Then write them down each night to be accountable.
When I did this the mood in the house changed. It's a simple yet effective little thing. We train ourselves to be a better spouse/girlfriend whatever. Also, I let him know that I was ultimately doing this (ie: getting sober) so I could be a better wife to him (yeah, sometimes bending the truth doesn't hurt). That gets some compassion going as far as that goes.
It helped that I threw myself into my own recovery. That I went to meetings and started to build this outside life seperate from him. You know, like NORMAL people. ;-)
Mine didn't stay sober. So ultimately what we turned into was one huge blob of alcoholism and mental illness. <gross>
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
The oddest thing happened to me .....
the men I loved when I was a drinker
were no longer attractive or interesting
to the new improved sober me.....
They all survived my departure ...I've continued
to grow in recovery and thrive.
It's my experience that not all loves are forever.
Nor do they have to be.
the men I loved when I was a drinker
were no longer attractive or interesting
to the new improved sober me.....
They all survived my departure ...I've continued
to grow in recovery and thrive.
It's my experience that not all loves are forever.
Nor do they have to be.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Fuzzy, how long have you been sober? To me that has a lot to do with it. As I said, I was always cheery...like for 25 years and once I got sober, I became human. I said to my husband that I knew that I had changed the rules and that it would take us both time to adjust. Such a major change in the usual dynamics of a relationship is bound to be destabilizing. Again, I would give it time. Depending on your history, he will have as much to work out as you...different, but just as life changing.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by FuzzyFatSacks 
He doesn't get it and doesn't seem to want to try to get it. I feel very alone in this all of the sudden.
Get recovered.... not just abstinent. There is a difference. White knuckling sobriety sucks for everyone.
Hang in there, it gets better.
Mark
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I believe the main ingredient is time. I would get mad at people and it would take a day or so to realize how out of line I was. Some times I just didn't realize it at all.
One thing I do when I start to get mad, or extremely happy (I still do and I'm a week away from a year) is step out of myself. I try to look at things from the outside like I'm on TV, and then it's usually pretty easy to see there is a better way. But the key is knowing when to step outside.
But like they say, it can be a real rollercoaster, and "they" ain't just a kiddin <G>. But what a relief to have the monkey off my back.
Fred
One thing I do when I start to get mad, or extremely happy (I still do and I'm a week away from a year) is step out of myself. I try to look at things from the outside like I'm on TV, and then it's usually pretty easy to see there is a better way. But the key is knowing when to step outside.
But like they say, it can be a real rollercoaster, and "they" ain't just a kiddin <G>. But what a relief to have the monkey off my back.
Fred
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 50
I had some of the same experiences during the first few months; sometimes I still do. Like some others have suggested, finding a good support group meeting like AA helps a lot (even if you don't go for specifically that purpose). My boyfriend sometimes feels abandoned when I go to 2-4 meetings a week, but I almost always come home in a much more loving, approachable headspace then when I left, which he has not failed to notice.
As others have also said, you are asking someone to live by completely changed rules, and that takes some time to absorb and accept. Your partner may also benefit from alanon meetings to help him deal with all the changes in his life.
As others have also said, you are asking someone to live by completely changed rules, and that takes some time to absorb and accept. Your partner may also benefit from alanon meetings to help him deal with all the changes in his life.
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Thanks for the words everyone. I am so wishy washy about AA because of the HP thing, but I NEED some sort of support from people that understand and that would be the logical place to get it.
My bf and I had a long talk last night after I wrote this post. I asked him to please try to bear with me through these difficult first few months and to try to understand that if I'm irritable and irrational that it isn't meant to hurt him. I'm going to try to start taking a step back when I start feeling moody so that I can try to calm down before I accientally blow up at him (or whoever the unlucky person is that happens to cross my path).
I don't believe I'm "white knuckling" it when it comes to sobriety. I'm not in AA or a structured program, but I'm doing okay on my own so far. Every day it gets better and I think about alcohol less. My moods aren't erratic all of the time (thank god), but I do have my moments. I am finding that some of my emotions are hard to process/manage which leads me to believe I should try therapy or something along those lines. I need some sort of outlet! Maybe journaling would help!
You're right that I can't expect him to understand what I'm going through. It sure would be nice, but he'll never be in my shoes so he will never understand. All my life I've struggled with wanting people to completely understand me or whatever situation I happen to be going through, but that isn't realisitic.
This is quite a journey...
My bf and I had a long talk last night after I wrote this post. I asked him to please try to bear with me through these difficult first few months and to try to understand that if I'm irritable and irrational that it isn't meant to hurt him. I'm going to try to start taking a step back when I start feeling moody so that I can try to calm down before I accientally blow up at him (or whoever the unlucky person is that happens to cross my path).
I don't believe I'm "white knuckling" it when it comes to sobriety. I'm not in AA or a structured program, but I'm doing okay on my own so far. Every day it gets better and I think about alcohol less. My moods aren't erratic all of the time (thank god), but I do have my moments. I am finding that some of my emotions are hard to process/manage which leads me to believe I should try therapy or something along those lines. I need some sort of outlet! Maybe journaling would help!
You're right that I can't expect him to understand what I'm going through. It sure would be nice, but he'll never be in my shoes so he will never understand. All my life I've struggled with wanting people to completely understand me or whatever situation I happen to be going through, but that isn't realisitic.
This is quite a journey...
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"All my life I've struggled with wanting people to completely understand me or whatever situation I happen to be going through, but that isn't realisitic."
Yes it is. We're at meetings. I don't mean to be an AA freak. But, seriously! Drives me batty when people say they'd like to find others like them but can't seem to. When there's HUNDREDS of us right there! Silly girl. ;-)
But, what you are doing seems to be working for you. Your feelings appear to be, and mean, that you're on your way. Right where you're supposed to be.
Yes it is. We're at meetings. I don't mean to be an AA freak. But, seriously! Drives me batty when people say they'd like to find others like them but can't seem to. When there's HUNDREDS of us right there! Silly girl. ;-)
But, what you are doing seems to be working for you. Your feelings appear to be, and mean, that you're on your way. Right where you're supposed to be.
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I'm also increasingly afraid that people won't like me now that I'm sober. Am I boring? Too shy? So far people still want to associate with me, but I have this nagging fear that they'll leave me behind because they don't like the "new" me. I like being alone, but I don't want to be forced to be alone because everyone thinks the "new" me sucks. God...I sound so insecure!!!! I'm all over the place.! One day confident, the next insecure. Today is an insecure day.
Anyhow, thank you all so much for listening to me ramble. I'm so grateful for SR and all of you.
Anyhow, thank you all so much for listening to me ramble. I'm so grateful for SR and all of you.
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I should stop procrastinating and just GO to AA. I've found a zillion meetings in my area but am dragging my feet. A lot of it is social anxiety, but I know once I step in the meeting and have a seat that I'll be fine. It's just getting there that's hard.
Thanks, Alizerin
Thanks, Alizerin
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
You sound like everyone I know when they first came in. It's funny! We all laugh about it now. I don't mean to say that I don't understand where your at - The thing is I REALLY do!
Your one of us. I can tell by your nick, avatar, and personality.
You'll be fine wherever you end up. Just don't drink!!
Your one of us. I can tell by your nick, avatar, and personality.
You'll be fine wherever you end up. Just don't drink!!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Hi Fuzzy!! Congrads first of all on your sobriety!!
I'm 58 days sober, and like you have felt all the emotions towards my bf...it's like I've woken up and went hey I've changed now I want everything else to have changed for the better!! and really after the years of the mess Ive helped create it's just not that easy.. I really believe it's a time thing, and it's good you had a heart to heart with your bf to really let him know how you are feeling....is he a drinker?? My bf is and he doesn't bring it into the house anymore and even has the courtesy to chew gum when he's had a drink!! in honesty though I wish he didn't, but I need to focus on my sobriety not his..
Maybe you might want to try meditation, or go for nice walks some place peaceful to clear your thoughts... Big hugs!!
I'm 58 days sober, and like you have felt all the emotions towards my bf...it's like I've woken up and went hey I've changed now I want everything else to have changed for the better!! and really after the years of the mess Ive helped create it's just not that easy.. I really believe it's a time thing, and it's good you had a heart to heart with your bf to really let him know how you are feeling....is he a drinker?? My bf is and he doesn't bring it into the house anymore and even has the courtesy to chew gum when he's had a drink!! in honesty though I wish he didn't, but I need to focus on my sobriety not his..
Maybe you might want to try meditation, or go for nice walks some place peaceful to clear your thoughts... Big hugs!!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Yes, I think Ali is right...Although it is hard for me to accept it, the phrase "you are right where you need to be" is so true. Back to the phases again...each one carries it's own lessons. Sometimes I want to hurry onto the next one, but I know that the value is in the journey (well, I realize this most of the time, anyway 
.
About AA....I may be wrong, but I would guess that very few go to their first meeting with little or no insecurity or hesitation. One of the things that always helped me was to remember that everyone in that room had a first meeting. I think that you'd be pleasantly surprised at how "at home" you would feel. What do you have to lose? From where I sit, you have much more to gain!
.About AA....I may be wrong, but I would guess that very few go to their first meeting with little or no insecurity or hesitation. One of the things that always helped me was to remember that everyone in that room had a first meeting. I think that you'd be pleasantly surprised at how "at home" you would feel. What do you have to lose? From where I sit, you have much more to gain!
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Sacramento, California
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I have been lurking on these forums for a few months, but decided to register today to address a disturbing issue that I have noticed while looking through FFSacks' posts. I noticed that you devoted an entire thread to a mental disability that your boyfriend has.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your 31 days of sobriety. It only gets easier as time goes by. I'm sure that I speak for the entire SR community when I say that you have something to be proud of.
Now, on to my main point. In your other thread, you said that your boyfriend has a physical disability, an extremely serious mental disability, survived brain cancer, and has seizures. Cut the guy a break. I understand that you may be going through a tough time right now, but it will pass. However, at least one of your boyfriend's issues will be with him for the rest of his life. I am speaking of his Schizophrenia. By the way, if you don't mind sharing, what is his physical disability?
If this post sounds harsh, trust that it was not meant that way. It just looks like your boyfriend has a lot more on his plate than you do, and taking out your frustrations on him is no good, especially with his broken mental state.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your 31 days of sobriety. It only gets easier as time goes by. I'm sure that I speak for the entire SR community when I say that you have something to be proud of.
Now, on to my main point. In your other thread, you said that your boyfriend has a physical disability, an extremely serious mental disability, survived brain cancer, and has seizures. Cut the guy a break. I understand that you may be going through a tough time right now, but it will pass. However, at least one of your boyfriend's issues will be with him for the rest of his life. I am speaking of his Schizophrenia. By the way, if you don't mind sharing, what is his physical disability?
If this post sounds harsh, trust that it was not meant that way. It just looks like your boyfriend has a lot more on his plate than you do, and taking out your frustrations on him is no good, especially with his broken mental state.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Southbound,
I think she knows that. I also think she's doing what she needs to as far as addressing it. Which the first step in doing that is recognizing. Then get input as to how to address it. So, she IS trying to cut him a break.
She's doing fine.
What a stressful situation to be in. For anyone. Can you imagine the number of partners out there who never get a handle on their stress and ultimately dump it all over their companion. Many without even knowing they do it. Now that's disturbing.
I think she knows that. I also think she's doing what she needs to as far as addressing it. Which the first step in doing that is recognizing. Then get input as to how to address it. So, she IS trying to cut him a break.
She's doing fine.
What a stressful situation to be in. For anyone. Can you imagine the number of partners out there who never get a handle on their stress and ultimately dump it all over their companion. Many without even knowing they do it. Now that's disturbing.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Originally Posted by Southbound
I have been lurking on these forums for a few months, but decided to register today to address a disturbing issue that I have noticed while looking through FFSacks' posts. I noticed that you devoted an entire thread to a mental disability that your boyfriend has.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your 31 days of sobriety. It only gets easier as time goes by. I'm sure that I speak for the entire SR community when I say that you have something to be proud of.
Now, on to my main point. In your other thread, you said that your boyfriend has a physical disability, an extremely serious mental disability, survived brain cancer, and has seizures. Cut the guy a break. I understand that you may be going through a tough time right now, but it will pass. However, at least one of your boyfriend's issues will be with him for the rest of his life. I am speaking of his Schizophrenia. By the way, if you don't mind sharing, what is his physical disability?
If this post sounds harsh, trust that it was not meant that way. It just looks like your boyfriend has a lot more on his plate than you do, and taking out your frustrations on him is no good, especially with his broken mental state.
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your 31 days of sobriety. It only gets easier as time goes by. I'm sure that I speak for the entire SR community when I say that you have something to be proud of.
Now, on to my main point. In your other thread, you said that your boyfriend has a physical disability, an extremely serious mental disability, survived brain cancer, and has seizures. Cut the guy a break. I understand that you may be going through a tough time right now, but it will pass. However, at least one of your boyfriend's issues will be with him for the rest of his life. I am speaking of his Schizophrenia. By the way, if you don't mind sharing, what is his physical disability?
If this post sounds harsh, trust that it was not meant that way. It just looks like your boyfriend has a lot more on his plate than you do, and taking out your frustrations on him is no good, especially with his broken mental state.
He does have a lot on his plate and I do everything in the world for him to support him with his issue. For the first time in our two year relationship I'm the one having an issue and I'd like to be cut a little slack. Know what I mean? Being told "get it together or else" really feels like a slap in the face after all of the things I've supported him through. Wonder how he'd feel if I had told him to get it together with his schizophrenia (which he is in a good place with for the moment).
I'm not intentionally taking my frustrations out on him either. No one deserves to have moods taken out on them! I'm trying to get through this period of emotional instability and learn how to deal better with things so that I don't take things out on him. I don't enjoy fighting with him...or anyone for that matter. Lover not a fighter
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