lionheart

Hi Everyone

I was sitting around today thinking back on some of my time, but mostly thinking about how I was in a fantastic place today and how last week, my head was insane.

I had female hormones running rampid, I was sick with a head cold and of course, my disease of alcoholism.

Combine all of that, or put them on their own and I was one insane women last week.

I had it in my head that my sponsor was out to get me, that AA was a cult trying to brainwash me into their way of thinking and stop me from seeing my family and friends (ie get to a meeting a day and still hold my full time job down) and basically that I could do it all on my own and no one should be telling me how to fix my problems.

Now that, is insanity at work and its my disease at work and its only today (and the past 48hrs) that I have been able to see that. Today, I am calm, I even talked to my HP a few times today and handed things over.

I am mad and insane, I am an alcoholic, but I also know today, that I am not in a cult, my sponsor cares for me and wants the best for me, that I have a fellowship and online support whenever I choose to use them, that I am able to juggle things but that my sobriety must come first.

I shudder and continue to be afraid of what might have happened last week if I didnt come here and write it all out and get thoughts back and if I hadnt of called some older sober members of AA and if I hadnt of shown up to my Sunday night meeting. It was at that meeting that I had a lightbulb moment, a moment of clarity, a moment of understanding of surrender and a moment of humility.

I am proud to say that I am insane, I am an alcoholic because today, I know, that I am on the road to recovery and I am not alone.....

Rachel

yeahgr8

I almost pm'd you a few days ago, but i was reading in a section i shouldn't have really been in hehe Glad to hear you got through it and can see why you are getting these feelings and thoughts, IMO that's a great sign:-)

Yeah AA isn't a cult, sigh...i had big hopes of lots of free open 'love' and making some quick money through scams but none of that...it did get me sober so i guess that is something;-)

Cough...steps...

lionheart

um mah, naughty naughty lol i probably should have opened it up to a different section but was in a certain frame of mind...

so glad its gone..

pm anytime

Mark75

Darn, And I thought that was something you get invited to after 5 or 10 years of sobriety... oh well. Next you'll be telling me there is no Santa.

Glad you are well lionheart. I go through that still now and again, well, not the female hormone part... You are NOT alone.

Mark

CarolD

When I started my Step work....I felt a shift
from sobriety into solid recovery....

Forward we go...side by side

Mcribb

AA meetings don't last long atleast mine only last an hour or so. If nothing else go in for what you can.

FuzzyFatSacks

I was in the same place as you last week, Lion. Never have I had more crazy, waaaaaaaaaay off base thoughts in my life! Too bad we can't quit PMS while quitting drinking lol.

Glad you're feeling better this week and hope it keeps up. You are not alone!