MeAndOnlyMe

Out and about doing errands this past weekend. Very hungry for skipping breakfast and monitoring my blood sugar as it's been all over the place after having gone alcohol-free.

Wandered into a chain restaurant and had lunch and a couple of beers. Knew what I was doing. More errands and plenty of time to process the alcohol in my body.

Home before dinner and opened a bottle of wine. Made dinner for my family, managed to sip my wine and wrapped up the family part of the evening. Had another glass and I realized just how ANGRY I was at myself. Not guilty - I've been through guilt MANY times before. I was downright angry at myself. I stopped drinking and sulked around by myself a bit and went to bed as early as possible.

I'm still angry today (but not drinking). What the f*ck??? This is just stupid.

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Clutch B

I spent years doing the exact same thing. I'd swear off, then give up and drown myself in it, then swear off again, then get drunk again, and the cycle wouldn't end.

It sucked! I had to learn the hard way that I needed help.

What are you doing to get sober and stay that way?

RecoveryCoach

Wow, thank you for sharing...it can be so cunning, those urges! And congratulations for your being honest and starting again...Love the phrase, "We stood at the turning point." I remind myself that each moment is a new beginning. And of course remember HALT, that I don't get too Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. Wishing you all the best!!

DanielP

I never tried it myself but isn't Anabuse (sp) a drug you can take daily that makes you sick if you drink? After thinking what I went through over the years trying to quit, that drug could have saved me a lot of suffering.

Ceres

I was told early on after a relapse that. It's natural for alcoholics to want to drink. It's unnatural for us to be sober - That's why it's a constant effort, even if we think the urges are gone. You are still here, with us. That makes all the difference. Keep working at it.

Dee74

I did that for 20 years Me.

For me, I had to make a conscious daily effort to do things differently and to change my life. Change involves some pretty intense work and effort - thats the bottom line really.

What changes are you making besides trying not to drink?
D

MeAndOnlyMe

Well, I guess if nothing else, I managed to reel myself in before I reached a tipping point. Had a couple of pints, irritated but aware of what I was doing. Followed instinct (from what I could tell) and popped a bottle of wine (it didn't turn into the typical 3-4, for what that's worth) and grew more irritated before shoving it all away for the night.

I'm not counting days in the AA sense but I've been actively embracing sobriety for a while. Thought I had my head mostly straight.

I'm just really angry with myself for choosing to do something I previously chose not to do. It's really annoying that I could plan properly, execute properly and make it through the nasty initial bits of not drinking, feel a wee bit of success and pride and then knowingly toss it into the toilet.

Ethanol pisses me off.

MeAndOnlyMe

I've read that it's quite the deterrent - it makes one as sick as a dog after eating a two-week-dead rabbit. Unfortunately, while I approve of deterrents in general and like to think that I could embrace it, my home life does not allow for it - a stupid slip on my part lands me in the ER but my kids without a parent and then the really nasty bits begin.

Simple risk management - them functioning @ 100% with me at 80% or them functioning @ 50% and me @ 0%. I may be unwise at times and a drunk many of the times but I somehow manage to mostly keep my wits about me and ensure the children are cared for.

MeAndOnlyMe

Isn't the "one day at a time" approach something worth living, regardless of success?

Mark75

Of course it is... Are you not drinking one day at a time or are you living one day at a time? I think Dee was getting at something more than not drinking.

Mark

Dee74

ODAAT is a great way to live Me - for many many reasons beyond my alcoholism

but that alone in isolation is unlikely to get you sober, just like just not drinking is unlikely to keep you sober.

I just share my experience - if I'm off base with your circumstances, that fine.
I ask the questions, but you're under no obligation to give me the answers

D

DanielP

Day by day, week by week--I've reached depths where I was happy to just go minute to minute. It's a helpful philosophy to get you moving, concentrated, thankful for each milestone reached. In the beginning it may be more useful to go hour by hour. Whenever a drink trigger pops into your head, put it off for an hour, and another, until the trigger is gone. You're not not drinking, you're putting off drinking, an hour at a time. Anyone can go an hour not drinking (or so you would hope). The point is, that extra hour sober will probably kill the impulsive triggers (kids are in bed--I'll have a drink; dishes are done, one glass of wine can't hurt). Sure it's a gimmick, but it helps.

CarolD

Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum RC.....

MeAndOnlyMe

Subtlety is often lost on those too pissed at the world (and themselves). Dee got it and you nailed it home, Mark. Thanks to you both.

I'm still just generally pissed at myself. It's what I imagine a young kid must feel like, to some degree, trying to ride a two-wheeled bike: ride, crash, damage, guilt, shame, encouragement, ride...repeat. I just fell after removing my training wheels and I feel like an ass, despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of drunks fail and never learn to ride or the drunks that care can ride for a bit before falling and never getting up on a bike again.

I really want to be the drunk you see riding his bike around the neighborhood everyday - EVERYDAY.

Damnit, I'm still pissed off at myself. Grrrrrr.......

CarolD

Me.....
You might want to consult your doctor about those blood
suger swings. Hope you soon will find your way into
a healthier future.....

All my best to you and your family

MeAndOnlyMe

No, Dee, you've been a great compass, as usual for this hiker in the wilderness with a map and a good sense of direction but no way to tell where North might lie.

Many thanks.

I guess what I don't get at this point is that while a group setting for encouragement is quite possibly ideal, there are no identified secondary steps. It seems like it's, "you have a support network and you have your best chance of success or you don't and you FAIL, FAIL, FAIL !!!"

I get what works for individuals works for individuals but I don't see why it seems to be "one size fits all" when it comes to first-person recovery statements.

MeAndOnlyMe

Thanks, Carol. Luckily I'm still at the place where I only abuse myself and manage to take care of what I need to do on a daily basis (even if I'm the only one who thinks so).

Clinically, all ETOH-abusers are subject to elevated BP and elevated BG levels. I'm lucky in that I have a monitor for each for other family members and can test myself. I get the constant data feed that I need as an individual analytically inclined and can track my positive and negative progress but I still fail when it comes to stopping the spikes in either through drinking.

Mark75

I think I see what you are getting at...

We share our own experience, we don't try to tell you what to do... So, a first person recovery statement is just that... this is what worked for me, or I had an obsession about alcohol... We don't try to tell you what you works for you or what you feel...

However, often what works for one might work for another...

Mark

Dee74

I've never done any kind of recognised recovery programme.

I drank myself to near death - not a euphemism...I got a really good boneshaking fright and went from there....in the early days it was as simple as 'don't drink any alcohol, or you'll end up back there' (simple, not easy).

Fear doesn't last forever though - eventually I moved onto improving myself and my life - fixing the holes and facing the void inside me...learning to not want to escape reality...accepting that reality was actually pretty good...eventually I found that I like my life and my self now...I don't want to go back 'there'.

I don't think thats much different, at a base level, to what AA offers, or SMART, or LifeRing...getting off the stuff isn't that hard...staying off it means a complete mind and lifestyle makeover, and that is why I think so many people go for groups...

face to face support has gotta be easier than the way I did it LOL

D