I screwed up :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 50
I screwed up :(
After 13 months of sobriety. I got drunk Wed night 
I quit again Thurs, and got rid of all the alcohol I had left, but I am so disgusted with myself. It was a disaster! I blacked out almost immediately (like after 4 drinks which is just weird when I used to drink 20 without blacking out) and made a total ass of myself. Treated my husband like **** and trashed my house (well not totally thrashed, but I did break a chair)... I really hate myself SO bad right now. The worst part is I knew I was making a mistake, but I still drank. I thought maybe I could handle it this time... what a moron I am. Why can't I learn my lesson and stick to it!
I quit again Thurs, and got rid of all the alcohol I had left, but I am so disgusted with myself. It was a disaster! I blacked out almost immediately (like after 4 drinks which is just weird when I used to drink 20 without blacking out) and made a total ass of myself. Treated my husband like **** and trashed my house (well not totally thrashed, but I did break a chair)... I really hate myself SO bad right now. The worst part is I knew I was making a mistake, but I still drank. I thought maybe I could handle it this time... what a moron I am. Why can't I learn my lesson and stick to it!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Maybe this time you have. You can't change what you did, but you certainly can learn from it. After you're done beating yourself up, use the experience as a positive force. Use the way you are feeling right now as a source to draw upon the next time you think you want a drink. You didn't lose those 13 months of sobriety. They're still there as a shining example that you can do it. They say, when you fall off a horse, you have to get back on and try again. So...keep trying. You only fail if you stop trying. (((HUGS)))
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Why can't I learn my lesson and stick to it!
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
I can totally relate to this. I drank after getting 1 year myself. My problem which I could see--only after the fact was, I wasn't going to as many meetings, I wasn't keeping up with my sponsor, plus I was putting more focus on my job. I had become complacent in my recovery. They say a relapse happens long before we pick up. I can see now how things happened that slowly built up to it. Taking a drink was the last thing--the end result. Today I am back into recovery--full force. I can't allow myself to become complacent. Not sure what happened in your situation, but just know that you don't have to continue drinking. You can jump back into recovery too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Been there myself many times. Actually just going through it again now after coming back here about 10 days ago after drinking again after a few good months of sobriety. It's easy to beat yourself up over it but just try to look forward and not backwards. Those 13 months were not wasted months, you had 13 good months and proved to yourself you can do it. There's many of us in the same spot as you are right now so don't feel alone because your not
Steve
Steve
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry exquisitered.
I'm glad you're back tho
You had 13 months - you know what to do...
Draw a line under it. Don't hate yourself - learn from it.
You did what I've done a million times - tested the water to see if things had changed..
and you got a lesson in the always progressive nature of this thing - even when we're not drinking...
I'm glad it was only one night
D
I'm glad you're back tho
You had 13 months - you know what to do...
Draw a line under it. Don't hate yourself - learn from it.
You did what I've done a million times - tested the water to see if things had changed..
and you got a lesson in the always progressive nature of this thing - even when we're not drinking...
I'm glad it was only one night
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 50
Thanks everyone. You are all right. I know it does no good to beat myself up, but my god I HATE what I have turned into
But, yeah. Pity party stops now.
I let my guard down big time and I need to make sure I don't do it again. I think maybe deep down I thought once I got a year, it would just magically get better or something... I don't know. I mean, I do believe I'm an alcoholic and can't drink safely ever again. But then I went back almost casually, like it was just no big deal... I got it in my head that all the times I've tried before were just flukes or something and I really started to believe this time would be different. I am confused and very disappointed with myself. But I'm not giving up. Thanks for the encouragement
But, yeah. Pity party stops now.
I let my guard down big time and I need to make sure I don't do it again. I think maybe deep down I thought once I got a year, it would just magically get better or something... I don't know. I mean, I do believe I'm an alcoholic and can't drink safely ever again. But then I went back almost casually, like it was just no big deal... I got it in my head that all the times I've tried before were just flukes or something and I really started to believe this time would be different. I am confused and very disappointed with myself. But I'm not giving up. Thanks for the encouragement
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 413
Glad you're here. I'm sorry it had to happen, but like everyone mentioned above -- you have the opportunity to learn from this now.
I've been sober for a few years, and every now and then, the idea comes to mind that "Maybe I can have a sip of wine and be ok".
But -- I've seen too many people who have stayed sober for YEARS who take that sip and end up having an experience like yours.
It kind of helps me to realize that I can't try to take a drink today, even if I'm really REALLY careful about it. "Careful" doesn't cut it!
Someone made an illustration for me once. You know how there are people out there who are deathly allergic to peanuts? If they inhale a tiny particle of a peanut, they will go into anaphylactic shock and die, right? Well just because one of these folks stays away from peanuts for years, it doesn't mean they should try to eat a peanut to see if they're still allergic, even if they're "careful" about it ... it could kill them! I guess I'm like that with alcohol.
Anyway, please keep posting. You can learn and grow from this. It's tough to face what happened. Are you attending AA or working through some kind of program to help you?
I've been sober for a few years, and every now and then, the idea comes to mind that "Maybe I can have a sip of wine and be ok".
But -- I've seen too many people who have stayed sober for YEARS who take that sip and end up having an experience like yours.
It kind of helps me to realize that I can't try to take a drink today, even if I'm really REALLY careful about it. "Careful" doesn't cut it!
Someone made an illustration for me once. You know how there are people out there who are deathly allergic to peanuts? If they inhale a tiny particle of a peanut, they will go into anaphylactic shock and die, right? Well just because one of these folks stays away from peanuts for years, it doesn't mean they should try to eat a peanut to see if they're still allergic, even if they're "careful" about it ... it could kill them! I guess I'm like that with alcohol.
Anyway, please keep posting. You can learn and grow from this. It's tough to face what happened. Are you attending AA or working through some kind of program to help you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
"POISON" since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
Some lessons for me have been
harder to learn over the yrs.
Drinking was one some 19 yrs ago.
However with family intervention,
a 28 rehab stay, 6 week outpatiant,
recieving the tools and knowledge
of my disease and following the
steps and principles set down before
me, I have accommulated a number
of one days at a time to get me
where I am today.
I have touched a many a hot
burners in my time to finally have
learned my lesson that it just
doesnt work my way.
I listened intentively to many
of those sober before me sharing
their own experiences strengths
and hopes of what it was like
before during and after alcohol.
My story is no different.
From what ive learned over
the yrs is that alcohol is still
alive and well and kicking azz
big time.
But for the grace of my HP that
could be me still out there or I
could have been committed or
placed 10 feet down under the
ground.
Today im still one drink away from
a drunk and yet I choose sobriety.
Happy Joyous and free is my life
today.
By the grace of my HP and people
like you here in SR I havent found
it necessary to pick up a drink of
"POISON" since 8-11-90.
For that and you I am truely grateful.
Some lessons for me have been
harder to learn over the yrs.
Drinking was one some 19 yrs ago.
However with family intervention,
a 28 rehab stay, 6 week outpatiant,
recieving the tools and knowledge
of my disease and following the
steps and principles set down before
me, I have accommulated a number
of one days at a time to get me
where I am today.
I have touched a many a hot
burners in my time to finally have
learned my lesson that it just
doesnt work my way.
I listened intentively to many
of those sober before me sharing
their own experiences strengths
and hopes of what it was like
before during and after alcohol.
My story is no different.
From what ive learned over
the yrs is that alcohol is still
alive and well and kicking azz
big time.
But for the grace of my HP that
could be me still out there or I
could have been committed or
placed 10 feet down under the
ground.
Today im still one drink away from
a drunk and yet I choose sobriety.
Happy Joyous and free is my life
today.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
You know -
a while back, I developed an allergy to shellfish.
Thoroughly BUMMED me out.
So, a couple of years go by,
and I start thinking ....
'I wonder if I'd react THIS time, maybe I won't"
I get the shellfish.
I react.
This goes on, for a period of about ten years.
The last time,
I ate the shellfish...
and was rushed to the hospital.
(ask me sometime about 'the world's worst first date')
It took
inability to breathe
over a thousand dollar ER bill...
a ruined date with a honest-to GOD-millionaire
(scared the poor man to death)
and missing a WEEK of work...
... to figure out
that this allergy isn't going to 'go away'.
Now read that story
and tell me that's not
an alcoholic's story.
It takes what it takes.
I'm off the shellfish.
Welcome back!
a while back, I developed an allergy to shellfish.
Thoroughly BUMMED me out.
So, a couple of years go by,
and I start thinking ....
'I wonder if I'd react THIS time, maybe I won't"
I get the shellfish.
I react.
This goes on, for a period of about ten years.
The last time,
I ate the shellfish...
and was rushed to the hospital.
(ask me sometime about 'the world's worst first date')
It took
inability to breathe
over a thousand dollar ER bill...
a ruined date with a honest-to GOD-millionaire
(scared the poor man to death)
and missing a WEEK of work...
... to figure out
that this allergy isn't going to 'go away'.
Now read that story
and tell me that's not
an alcoholic's story.
It takes what it takes.
I'm off the shellfish.
Welcome back!
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I almost made it to over ten years sober before I relapsed about two years ago. I too am getting back in the saddle. Got one month then slipped. Now I'm at ten days and feeling good.
The big relapse was due to a classic - loneliness. The recent one was related to feeling hopeless which made me feel self destructive - a huge element in my drinking. Of course feeling hopeless is ridiculous. I've got a pretty sweet life. But in that pity party drama queen "o Gawd, I can't possibly go on!" moment, I decided I could have just a beer or two and no one would know. Totally blacked out and acted like a jerk. What a freakin surprise lol
What exactly were you feeling when you decided to go for the drink? Did you want to celebrate or were you mad about something? If you can figure that out you can be more vigilant next time.
The big relapse was due to a classic - loneliness. The recent one was related to feeling hopeless which made me feel self destructive - a huge element in my drinking. Of course feeling hopeless is ridiculous. I've got a pretty sweet life. But in that pity party drama queen "o Gawd, I can't possibly go on!" moment, I decided I could have just a beer or two and no one would know. Totally blacked out and acted like a jerk. What a freakin surprise lol
What exactly were you feeling when you decided to go for the drink? Did you want to celebrate or were you mad about something? If you can figure that out you can be more vigilant next time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 50
I'm trying to decide where to go from here. I guess, maybe I'll tuck my tail between my legs and go back to AA. It just sucks them being right all the time! lol
I went to AA for 7 months when I first got sober, got a sponsor, did the steps, and was doing pretty well. Then there was some drama with some of the members not getting along and several people left... it really didn't involve me, but I used it as an excuse to quit going anyway. And I did ok for a few more months, but I obviously don't do as well on my own or I wouldn't have slipped. I really am not a people person and I have been avoiding going to meetings, but I am serious about doing whatever it takes- so if it takes meetings then I'm going to meetings. I may try to find a different group, though. I really don't like gossip or fighting and I don't think it is good for my recovery.
I went to AA for 7 months when I first got sober, got a sponsor, did the steps, and was doing pretty well. Then there was some drama with some of the members not getting along and several people left... it really didn't involve me, but I used it as an excuse to quit going anyway. And I did ok for a few more months, but I obviously don't do as well on my own or I wouldn't have slipped. I really am not a people person and I have been avoiding going to meetings, but I am serious about doing whatever it takes- so if it takes meetings then I'm going to meetings. I may try to find a different group, though. I really don't like gossip or fighting and I don't think it is good for my recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
There are many just walking into
recovery for the very first time.
You however have some knowledge
of what this program is all about.
Use what you know to ur own ad-
vantage.
A new person may sit right next
to u, scared and afraid. You how-
ever can extend ur hand with a
welcome and can share ur own
experience of what it was like before
u drank, during ur drinking and after
when u first entered the doors of
recovery.
Im not much into people either, just
like others, and yet im in recovery
for me.
I could be like many out there still
drinking and realizing my will and
way doesnt work, or i could be dead
which really im suppose to be, or
I can be sober today and living life
happier than ive ever been.
Sit in a meeting and just listen to
those that have stayed sober for
long periods of time. They r living
proof that it is possible to stay sober
one day at a time.
Live the steps in ur everyday life
and pass it on.
Share ur own ESH with those still
suffering and u will experience the
miracle of living a sober life for yrs
to come.
recovery for the very first time.
You however have some knowledge
of what this program is all about.
Use what you know to ur own ad-
vantage.
A new person may sit right next
to u, scared and afraid. You how-
ever can extend ur hand with a
welcome and can share ur own
experience of what it was like before
u drank, during ur drinking and after
when u first entered the doors of
recovery.
Im not much into people either, just
like others, and yet im in recovery
for me.
I could be like many out there still
drinking and realizing my will and
way doesnt work, or i could be dead
which really im suppose to be, or
I can be sober today and living life
happier than ive ever been.
Sit in a meeting and just listen to
those that have stayed sober for
long periods of time. They r living
proof that it is possible to stay sober
one day at a time.
Live the steps in ur everyday life
and pass it on.
Share ur own ESH with those still
suffering and u will experience the
miracle of living a sober life for yrs
to come.
without cracking..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 50
Dasha, I've been there. In fact, there was a time I couldn't make it a day even. I really hate to say it, but I think I had to get to the point where I just couldn't stand to drink anymore. I know that sounds really lame, because I thought I hit that spot about a million times before I actually quit, but I don't know how else to say it. I just couldn't DO it anymore, so even though I had no idea how I was going to live without it- I went to AA and tried. I'm not saying it's the only way to stay sober or anything. I have no idea. But I don't think I personally would have made it as long as I did without AA. Even before I did any of the steps the support they offered made a huge difference. I plan on going to a meeting Wed night.
So anyway, thanks for the kind words. I really wish I had a secret to staying sober, but all I've got is probably things you've heard others on here say already.
So anyway, thanks for the kind words. I really wish I had a secret to staying sober, but all I've got is probably things you've heard others on here say already.
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