Cloudbusted

Hey everyone. Well its day four. I keep thinking about that commercial from staples were customers press the easy button and problem solved. Would it not be nice if life equated to that. I actually slept really well last night and did not wake up sweating and shaking. A dark corner of my mind tells me that separating from my wife would be easier if I drank. Slipping into a mind numbing drunk has its appeal at times. Not that I will. It is just funny how a sick mind thinks I suppose. I know what is good for me, but my thoughts suggest to me that I do the one thing that will destroy my life even more. I know that this will get less with time. Once again an easy button would be nice. I spent the last 5 years drinking to suffocate my emotions and fears. Two years before that I was a pothead. Dealing with emotions now is difficult. They rush in with no filter, no coping skills, and leave me feeling exhausted. At the same time I have been filling the void in my life that drinking left with my children. Their consistency has been the greatest thing to me. I have never felt so happy, sad, angry, confused, guilty, etc. I see the person I want to be, and all the work it will take to be that man. My mind tells me that it would be easier to go back to the only thing I have know for seven years. My common sense tells my that it would be harder to start drinking again. Its frightening not to be able to trust your own mind. To know that your own thoughts are the enemy. It has taken me two years to get to this point. Start, stop, start, stop. A cycle that I once thought was endless, and inescapable. Its funny to think that I am grateful to my wife for this. I thank her for this wake up call. My greatest fear is that it is to late for us now. Maybe too much damage has been done. Of course I will still try to make things up to her. She deserves that much. I know even after so much time she still loves me. Part of her hopes that my recovery will bring us back together. Part of her thinks that even with my recovery she may never get past the hurt and pain that I caused. I must learn to accept that. Once again an easy button would be nice.

It helps to put down my thoughts and throw them out there. What do I know maybe someone will be inspired, or be able to apply them to some small part of their life. It is nice to have this forum as a vent. My friends are so limited because of my alcoholism that speaking to them to much would probably push them away. I will make today a good day.

iloveme

Wow I am proud of you!!!

1SoberSwede

Good for you!I had all of the same issues you speak of.Things always work out for the best if you can maintain sobriety.Sure there is a-lot of pain involved,but as I have stayed sober,things just start clicking into place.My relationship with my wife is better than ever.It is a byproduct of my sobriety.I couldn't quit for her though...I had to do it for ME.Keep it up my friend.....it will get better!

CarolD

The best place for me to find new coping skills
has been in the rooms of AA.....

When I was dealing with my childrens addictions and
recovery issues....I found Al anon very beneficial...

Hope you and your wife will consider these programs.
Blessings to you and your family