Awkward moments
not little, a stranger no more
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Awkward moments
So I'm close to 8 months sober, I m'going to meetings, I'm still very actively working on my recovery, and although things are a bit busy at the moment everything is actually going quite well. But there is one thing I have difficulties to deal with at the moment:
The last two weeks for some strange reason, there was an unusual cumulation of several strange encounters - aquaintances or former colleagues that have seen me very drunk at parties, old drinking occasional buddies- and it felt horribly awkward, although I am not sure if it really was this way or only my perception.
There is still a lot of embarassment for my drinking on my part.
I just have been thinking a lot about the fact that me being a complete drunk was the the only impression these people could ever get about me, and that they probably look down on me because of it. I know this weren't probably the last encounters of this kind, and as I live in a town not that big. I kinda dread them, although I know that my drinking days belong to the past. I have been avoiding some places, but I cannot avoid run-ins with memories of the past.
Why does it bother me so much what people thatdon't play an important role in my life may or may as well not think of me?
I don't know. Has anybody else been there and how did you deal with these thoughts? I know I might be overthinkng this in my own little head, so I appreciate any input
Thanks,
S.
The last two weeks for some strange reason, there was an unusual cumulation of several strange encounters - aquaintances or former colleagues that have seen me very drunk at parties, old drinking occasional buddies- and it felt horribly awkward, although I am not sure if it really was this way or only my perception.
There is still a lot of embarassment for my drinking on my part.
I just have been thinking a lot about the fact that me being a complete drunk was the the only impression these people could ever get about me, and that they probably look down on me because of it. I know this weren't probably the last encounters of this kind, and as I live in a town not that big. I kinda dread them, although I know that my drinking days belong to the past. I have been avoiding some places, but I cannot avoid run-ins with memories of the past.
Why does it bother me so much what people thatdon't play an important role in my life may or may as well not think of me?
I don't know. Has anybody else been there and how did you deal with these thoughts? I know I might be overthinkng this in my own little head, so I appreciate any input
Thanks,
S.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Use the experiences to further your resolve in sobriety. People will never have to see you like that again and in time a whole new group of people will only ever know the sober you.
I wouldn't overly worry about it as you ain't like that anymore and whats in the past is in the past. You're a different person now.
Try to not project as to what others are thinking anyway as you're probably just being overly paranoid. The serenity prayer always helps me when I'm starting to overthink things out of my control.
It is so nice to be only known as being myself now rather than that drunk person. My credibility and self-esteem are so much better now because 1 drunk in front of work colleagues really wrecks your reputation. I'm glad I don't live like that now.
Peace
I wouldn't overly worry about it as you ain't like that anymore and whats in the past is in the past. You're a different person now.
Try to not project as to what others are thinking anyway as you're probably just being overly paranoid. The serenity prayer always helps me when I'm starting to overthink things out of my control.
It is so nice to be only known as being myself now rather than that drunk person. My credibility and self-esteem are so much better now because 1 drunk in front of work colleagues really wrecks your reputation. I'm glad I don't live like that now.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 652
l have had the same.
It shames me that people have seen me the way l was and know what l have done.
On the other hand who knows what these people do with there curtains closed ?
Everybody has something and you and l had it with alcohol and it showed.
There are worse things.
Just don't be bothered about it.. (easier said than done, but it works)
Wish you well.
It shames me that people have seen me the way l was and know what l have done.
On the other hand who knows what these people do with there curtains closed ?
Everybody has something and you and l had it with alcohol and it showed.
There are worse things.
Just don't be bothered about it.. (easier said than done, but it works)
Wish you well.
not little, a stranger no more
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Thanks all for the responses, I appreciate this a lot. I was aware that I might be a bit paranoid at the moment
@Intention
I am actually working a secular program, so the meetings I go are not 12 step focused. Some tools I use in recovery are very similar to some of the steps of A.A, like making iventory, making amends, some are more based on elements of cognitive behavioural therapy.
Interesting part is, you are mentioning fears, and learning to deal with them and overcome some of them has been a major topic over the last weeks. I am probably more sensitive to these situations right now. And I had to finally face some fears that were pretty huge in the last few weeks- I am still a bit astonished that in retrospect I handled them quite well, actually. So translated to A.A. that would probably mean I am in the process of doing this right now.
Penny, you're probabaly right about everybody having skeletons in their closets and the part of showing/ worse things.
@Intention
Hi, I just wondered have you got to Step 4 and your Fear inventory yet?
Interesting part is, you are mentioning fears, and learning to deal with them and overcome some of them has been a major topic over the last weeks. I am probably more sensitive to these situations right now. And I had to finally face some fears that were pretty huge in the last few weeks- I am still a bit astonished that in retrospect I handled them quite well, actually. So translated to A.A. that would probably mean I am in the process of doing this right now.
Penny, you're probabaly right about everybody having skeletons in their closets and the part of showing/ worse things.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
I've not had this happen very much, mostly due to the fact I've moved towns (not because of this LOL).
I can relate a little tho - I was never rowdy or disruptive but I was definitely the neighbourhood drunk at the end of my drinking days.
As I go on, I have less and less in common with that guy - although I hope I'll never forget, in a lot of ways it's a whole other lifetime to me now.
I've worked hard to get here. If people want to focus on who I was, and not who I am? There's not much more I can do about that.
I know I've made a brilliant choice for myself
I think you have too LS
D
I can relate a little tho - I was never rowdy or disruptive but I was definitely the neighbourhood drunk at the end of my drinking days.
As I go on, I have less and less in common with that guy - although I hope I'll never forget, in a lot of ways it's a whole other lifetime to me now.
I've worked hard to get here. If people want to focus on who I was, and not who I am? There's not much more I can do about that.
I know I've made a brilliant choice for myself
I think you have too LS
D
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Originally Posted by littlestranger 
I am actually working a secular program, so the meetings I go are not 12 step focused. Some tools I use in recovery are very similar to some of the steps of A.A, like making iventory, making amends, some are more based on elements of cognitive behavioural therapy.
Interesting part is, you are mentioning fears, and learning to deal with them and overcome some of them has been a major topic over the last weeks. I am probably more sensitive to these situations right now. And I had to finally face some fears that were pretty huge in the last few weeks- I am still a bit astonished that in retrospect I handled them quite well, actually. So translated to A.A. that would probably mean I am in the process of doing this right now.
Interesting part is, you are mentioning fears, and learning to deal with them and overcome some of them has been a major topic over the last weeks. I am probably more sensitive to these situations right now. And I had to finally face some fears that were pretty huge in the last few weeks- I am still a bit astonished that in retrospect I handled them quite well, actually. So translated to A.A. that would probably mean I am in the process of doing this right now.
I have found with my fears that the small ones which seem really quite insignificant can have the power to literally paralyze me.
I always try to remember about fear - False Evidence Appearing Real
I too can worry about what others think of me (and when I was drunk and can't remember how I behaved). I am learning that my self esteem is much lower than I think it is and I have been constantly seeking others' approval.
Your program appears like it is getting to grips with your emotions and the thoughts behind them. They seem to be more obvious without the drink to obliterate them. When we know what the problem is, we can apply the solution.
You can hold your head up high today because you are sober.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Little Stranger -
this happens to me all the time.
I work in a liquor store.
So many of the very same people
I served for years at the bar
come in here to buy their alcohol from time to time.
Some - are uncomfortable seeing me.
They don't know what to say to me.
But because of this job
I haven't had to GO ANYPLACE
to make amends
they've walked right in the door!
I figure if they're walking in - it's time.
THEN
there are those who can't meet my eyes.
It took me some time to realize
it was THEM who couldn't meet MY eyes.
Even when *I* was the one who'd been the wild one.
Or the one who was out of control...
Those are the people
I think need the most healing.
AA and the Steps of AA
have made it so *I* am able
to look ALL who come through this door
in the eye.
It's made it so that I've been able to
apologize where it's been needed and overdue...
And it's something that I can AND DO
walk away from each and every day.
Now that ... is power.
hang in there!
You're right where you're supposed to be!
this happens to me all the time.
I work in a liquor store.
So many of the very same people
I served for years at the bar
come in here to buy their alcohol from time to time.
Some - are uncomfortable seeing me.
They don't know what to say to me.
But because of this job
I haven't had to GO ANYPLACE
to make amends
they've walked right in the door!
I figure if they're walking in - it's time.
THEN
there are those who can't meet my eyes.
It took me some time to realize
it was THEM who couldn't meet MY eyes.
Even when *I* was the one who'd been the wild one.
Or the one who was out of control...
Those are the people
I think need the most healing.
AA and the Steps of AA
have made it so *I* am able
to look ALL who come through this door
in the eye.
It's made it so that I've been able to
apologize where it's been needed and overdue...
And it's something that I can AND DO
walk away from each and every day.
Now that ... is power.
hang in there!
You're right where you're supposed to be!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Smithfield, VA
Posts: 521
I life in a relatively small town as well, and in my experiences similar to yours I have been the only one with the past currently on my mind. Others I've run into have completely forgotten about what I've said or done and moved on in there life and it seems to be that I was the only one reliving the past. Yet, I have been very fortunate when I did my 9th step it was no big deal the only response I got from those I was making amends to is "What you've done is over with and I'm over it. I'll be happy as long as you keep doing what you're doing now." This may not be everyones case, and I don't know if this post is any help or not, but I hope it is some help. I just know myself as an alcoholic tends to make a big deal out of something others have forgotten about. Hope this is helpful. Sorry for rambling on.
Wes
Wes
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
I can relate alot, especially to the mentality of wanting everyone to like me and think great things about me, no matter how obscure they are to my life. The embarassment and guilt at 8 months is pretty normal but it is something you should work on in CBT with your therapist to get some good traction on it. The only things that have ever really helped me with these kinds of feelings is meditating, praying, and practicing acceptance. Even just repeating some daily affirmations that you can't control what other people think about you is helpful, because in a way you want to control them, you want to make them think nice things about you. But the truth is, no matter how good your social skills are, you can't make everybody happy all the time. It was also helpful for me once I understood that the negative thoughts I imagined others having about me were really my creation, they came from my mind and not theirs, so it is really me who has self-deprecating thoughts about myself, and I was just transferring those thoughts to them. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
If you read books i would strongly recommend you buy and read A NEW EARTH by ECKHART TOLLE. I won't go into too much detail but it has the answers to your question IMO and a load more information too. I understand completely what you are saying and it would be quite eay to just put it down to the apparent 'fact' that we alcoholics are sensitive people but, well up to you...read it or not:-)
not little, a stranger no more
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Thanks everybody for your thoughtful posts, many of the things you said have really got me thinking, and today I think I can see my reactions to these encounters a bit more clearly. Thanks also for the book tip yeahgr8, I googled around a bit about the author and the book, and whilst I chose a secular approach to sobriety I am not an unspiritual being- so this sounds like a very interesting read.
In the end, there a several factors involved: fear of being vulnerable, control issues and meeting others expectations, real or imagined. I have been brought up to keep private matters to oneself and in a good deal the "but what will people think" mentality. Then there was trauma, inflicted by others and I was helpless at that time. Later in young adulthood, I finally learned to open up more, and one person I allowed to see my weak points used this knowledge to hurt me.
So it is not as much the fear of people not liking me, or being ego-centered-I know that I am not a special snowflake.The fact that people saw me in truly weak moments is what terrifies me. I have experienced before that there are people with sinister motives that can use ths kind of knowledge against one for their own ends. So it is not as much fear of being disliked and shame, but it's horrifying to be at mercy of other people.
On the bright side, I have come to realize this is ridicuously paranoid thinking. I can say this without self-pity.
First of all, I am not that drunken mess anymore, and people will obviously notice the change. I have been victimized, but that is the past too- and I can deal with these things today, if need should arise.
These recent situations were to some extent triggering the same helplessness i excperienced as a kid. So this was probably necessary so I can let it go- I am learning that I cannot control the motives of others or what they are doing or thinking. I have recognized it, I know that things are different now, and I can learn how to deal with these situations.
In the end, there a several factors involved: fear of being vulnerable, control issues and meeting others expectations, real or imagined. I have been brought up to keep private matters to oneself and in a good deal the "but what will people think" mentality. Then there was trauma, inflicted by others and I was helpless at that time. Later in young adulthood, I finally learned to open up more, and one person I allowed to see my weak points used this knowledge to hurt me.
So it is not as much the fear of people not liking me, or being ego-centered-I know that I am not a special snowflake.The fact that people saw me in truly weak moments is what terrifies me. I have experienced before that there are people with sinister motives that can use ths kind of knowledge against one for their own ends. So it is not as much fear of being disliked and shame, but it's horrifying to be at mercy of other people.
On the bright side, I have come to realize this is ridicuously paranoid thinking. I can say this without self-pity.
First of all, I am not that drunken mess anymore, and people will obviously notice the change. I have been victimized, but that is the past too- and I can deal with these things today, if need should arise.
These recent situations were to some extent triggering the same helplessness i excperienced as a kid. So this was probably necessary so I can let it go- I am learning that I cannot control the motives of others or what they are doing or thinking. I have recognized it, I know that things are different now, and I can learn how to deal with these situations.
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Undisclosed Location
Posts: 343
So I can relate to what you're saying.... I embarrased myself too many times in ways like being too drunk to speak. Too bad living the rest of our lives under a rock is not an option.... Rocks make poor homes.
It's getting better for me by swallowing my pride and showing myself as sober and coherent. Bit by bit it gets easier to see these people and I'm sure their view of you can only improve every time they see you now
Don't let their impression of the old drunken you live any longer!
It's getting better for me by swallowing my pride and showing myself as sober and coherent. Bit by bit it gets easier to see these people and I'm sure their view of you can only improve every time they see you now
Don't let their impression of the old drunken you live any longer!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NZ
Posts: 3
Hi there all.I am new here and not used to posting on a msg board!
I was trying to work out how to start a thread but can't figure it out!If someone could tell me how I would appreciate it!
I have a story to tell and would love to have some help from people in here,who have 'been there'.
I found this site accidently...or maybe it wasn't an 'accident'!
from what I have read here and there,there are some wonderfully supportive people
I stopped drinking around about the 28th of Dec,after a total nightmare.Which I don't remember most,I was told.And it scared me so much to be told how I was.I have never been drunk like that before where I have NO recollection.
I was trying to work out how to start a thread but can't figure it out!If someone could tell me how I would appreciate it!
I have a story to tell and would love to have some help from people in here,who have 'been there'.
I found this site accidently...or maybe it wasn't an 'accident'!
from what I have read here and there,there are some wonderfully supportive people
I stopped drinking around about the 28th of Dec,after a total nightmare.Which I don't remember most,I was told.And it scared me so much to be told how I was.I have never been drunk like that before where I have NO recollection.
not little, a stranger no more
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Hi Bluezangel, and welcome to SR! You can find a lot of support here.
A good way to introduce yourself is the newcomers to recovery section- Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are both newer and older members around, and this way, more people can see your introduction, respond and give you a proper welcome.
If you enter the newcomers section, there is a blue "New Thread button" on the top left that you can click to start your own thread. No need to be afraid, this is a great place, and people will listen to what you have to tell. You are not alone in this
A good way to introduce yourself is the newcomers to recovery section- Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are both newer and older members around, and this way, more people can see your introduction, respond and give you a proper welcome.
If you enter the newcomers section, there is a blue "New Thread button" on the top left that you can click to start your own thread. No need to be afraid, this is a great place, and people will listen to what you have to tell. You are not alone in this
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,944
Originally Posted by Slag
For me the feeling was shame.
Secular steps GOD=Good Orderly Direction
Secular steps GOD=Good Orderly Direction
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
BluezAngel....Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum...
I saw your first post in our Nercomers Forum and started
your own thread It's titled Hello and here is the link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...230-hello.html
Then I came down here and
I see others have replied with their suggestions.
We are here to share with you
in either or both Forums.
Thanks for joining us....
I saw your first post in our Nercomers Forum and started
your own thread It's titled Hello and here is the link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...230-hello.html
Then I came down here and
I see others have replied with their suggestions.
We are here to share with you
in either or both Forums.
Thanks for joining us....
Last edited by CarolD; 02-08-2010 at 07:22 AM. Reason: Added Link
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by littlestranger
Why does it bother me so much what people thatdon't play an important role in my life may or may as well not think of me?
What Step are you on?
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