gracie

I am the wife of a man I believe to be an alcoholic. He has cut way back on his beer consumption in the time I've known him but he has a dependence that I cannot relate to. For example, every activity we do is drinking-friendly. He has no interest in most things, such as movies or museums - things where drinking is not part of the mix. He drinks slowly and steadily, never getting drunk but on occasion gets that slight stagger in his walk, slightly off kilter when standing, glazed over eyes. He is ordering another beer before his current one is finished when we are out. He knows I think it's a problem. I recently confronted him with it and shortly thereafter left our home. He now tells me he wants us to get some therapy but he will not admit that he has a drinking problem. I feel that he is scared to admit it because to admit to it means potential change and he has lived this way forever. I suspect he has deeper seated issues from childhood and the drinking has long been a crutch and a means to bury pain. He refuses to go to AA, he says he can stop anytime he wants yet he never does. He will acknowledge drinking too much sometimes but again, says it got out of hand but he has it perfectly under control.
I am desperate to understand where he's coming from. I have no addictions, I cannot understand what he is feeling. I don't know what to do because I am committed to helping myself get healthy which means getting out of this situation. My husband lost his family to a number of things, but I suspect alcohol played a larger role than he lets on. When I met him, he was drinking a 12 pack daily and was so depressed. He came back to life for awhile but the drinking, though less and less, is still very prevalent in our lives. I love this man and want to help him but he won't so much as ADMIT the problem exists. I just want feedback from people in similar situations. Can any of you share what your fears are..clearly you have accepted you have a problem and want to work toward getting better which is why you are here. I commend you all for your bravery and strength. It takes aggressive efforts to be better people and it's quite an accomplishment to get real honest with ourselves and make changes for the better..
I appreciate your sharing..

Music

Hi Gracie,
Confront?? I don't know that that's a good word to use here. When I think of confronting someone I usually equate it with fighting and I don't think that would solve anything. To sit down and talk politely to each other would be nice if that's possible.
Your husband sounds a lot like myself before I stopped using alcohol. I didn't go anywhere with anyone without a drink before, and/or during the outting. If there was no alcohol where my wife and I were going, I drank before leaving home and usually got high on pot to guarantee getting a buzz.
I'd suggest that you seek out some Al-Anon meetings and get your advice there. If I were you, as long as your husband isn't violent and abusive, I'd give the relationship some time. You can get help from other wives who are going through what you're dealing with. Your husband may just see some changes in you that may lead him to get some help. That's how it happened with me, except that my wife came to AA. I went to Al-Anon and followed with AA about a year later. Attraction rather that promotion. You can get your hands on some reading material at your meetings and leave the pamphlets lying around. You never know what might happen.
Confronting though, unless it can be done civily, will only lead to emotional outburst, and nothing can be gained by that.
Please stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.

Anna

Hi Gracie, welcome to Sober Recovery. I hope we can offer you some understanding and support.

Your husband probably is very afraid. He probably cannot imagine life without alcohol dulling all the emotions he has to deal with. He is probably scared of the feelings that will show up if he stops drinking. The thing is that many people begin to drink to self-medicate physical or emotional problems. I began to drink at age 45 (having literally drank almost no alcohol at all before that). When things in my life came together (job, teenagers, empty nest, physical pain...) I decided to drink because I didn't know what else to do. I drank for 3 years before I could stop because I knew I still had to confront all the 'stuff' underneath. It's scarey. I hope this makes a little sense to you!

Wishing you well,
Anna

Don W

Hi Gracie, I am not sure confronting will work. In my case I would defend my right to drink. Then we would have a fight. Many times the fight would lead to other subjects which was fine with me.
If you are like my wife, you might be an enabler.
I turned most people around me into enablers, wife, boss, co-workers etc. What my wife did was lay down the facts as to how she intended living.
She was tired of settling for less. Not just money wise but, companionship, partnership etc.
She expressed that fact that this was the end. No more chances. My problem was affecting her health.
She had to draw the line before she died.
It was true, she has some health problems that were being made worse. She was ill and had to drag herself to work in fear of me drinking my paycheck. She was afraid to buy herself the smallest thing. When she did, she would regret it when she found out I was broke. I am not talking about expensive stuff. I am talking about buying a bagel or maybe getting a haircut. I am not proud of these things but, I need to remember and you need to know how bad it can get. Debby didn't and you don't deserve to settle for less. You can
help him more by drawing the line. I did, and he may also really want to quit but, needs to be backed against the wall. I hope this helps. Please keep posting. We can support you and him in recovery. Don W