Drk

Damn, that's my biggest threat: forgetting what it was like as a drinker.

Images are so prevalent in our society of people drinking and having fun, that I'm at a risk of eventually forgetting that I can't.

I really, really think that if anything destroys me, it'll be this.

HideorSeek

Drk...I think that's one of our biggest risks...forgetting how horrible we felt, the disasters we created, what we lost...

I took the liberty of looking up your first post. It sounds to me as if you isolated more and more...perhaps it's time to write Part 2...always a good jump start for our "rememberer" !!!

My story:

I slipped into heavy drinking pretty gradually,

I would sit at home on the computer weekend nights, have a few, and play video games with friends online.

I enjoyed these times so much that I'd start having the odd half-case on the computer every odd night throughout the week.

I'd be at work, and immediately cheer up when I thought about going home, having a barbeque, and relaxing with a few beer.

After a time, when I was out for a few at a friend's place, I couldn't wait to get home to listen to music and serf the net while drinking.

Pretty soon I started e-mailing friends drunk.

I started drinking more and more, and all of my weekends were gone because I spent them hung over...so I wasn't getting stress relief when I wasn't working.

So I drank, sat in the sun after work, and read books till nightfall.

Pretty soon i was organizing my week based upon when i was drinking: "Well, I can't do anything next Tuesday evening, because I'll be hung over that day."

Soon I was pretty issolated, as I only really needed the computer and beer.

4-5 nights out of 7 nights I was drinking.

If I got gas or hickups, I'd force myself to throw up so I could drink more.

I'd eat a spoonfull of coffee if I got tired and wanted to continue to drink.

At this point, I still quite literally didn't think anything was wrong: "Everyone likes to watch the tube and have a beer."

I did this for years, and purty much lost everything.

Continued in a bit...

ClayTheScribe

Drk, I would say to go with your gut, your survival instinct and to confront the addictive mind, the one that leads you to believe you can drink normally just like everyone else. That sucker pops up all the time for me, even after more than 6 months sober. For me, my last night of drinking was so traumatic and I can remember exactly how miserable I felt that night and the next day that I never want to go back to that. 'Cause even if I have, say, a glass of champagne to celebrate something, it will just begin that cascade of thoughts and cravings to make me obsessed with alcohol again, and I simply can't afford that right now.

If it helps, write out how you felt the last time you drank, what happened, and most importantly, how you felt and how you felt the next day. Then keep it somewhere close at hand like by your bed or computer so you can look at it when you need to. I also think going to AA or another recovery program allows you to absorb other people's stories and remind you why you can't go back out again. And even if you could, why risk the clear-headedness and joy you can get from living sober?

HideorSeek

Clay, in case it wasn't clear, I copied and pasted Drk's first post above. We are on the same page, you and I. My last night wasn't traumatic in an event sense, but I still can recall very vividly, how hopeless I felt. I pray to God never to feel that way again!

yeahgr8

Yep the mind will soon enough forget how bad it was, that goes for most scenarios even if accompanied by massive consequence and distress, how many times do we forget how bad things were and rattle of instances in our lives that were soul destroying at the time whilst saying oh it wasn't that bad?!

I could never stay dry for too long on the horrors that i had created for myself whilst drinking, might be a good idea to get a program in place like Clay mentioned?

Boleo

I agree 100%. When I was working a fear based program my motivation would fade away after a few weeks no matter what I did.

Now I use a spiritual program and memories, both good and bad, have no effect on my sobriety.

Pagekeeper

Let me just say I used to be the Queen of Romanticizing the Drink! If people could have seen into my mind they'd truly conclude I was having a tryst with booze.

Occasionally one of these fantasies still strikes, but nowadays I recognize it for what it really is. I don't believe the lies alcohol tells me anymore.

This awareness, this recognition, is part of what I consider being restored to sanity.

Wolfchild

Writing on the Twelve Steps helped me to accept the deeper damage alcoholism had caused. Being honest with myself and another person renders the obsession to drink powerless & surrendering to a Power greater than myself keeps me from thinking i can control my drinking. Dealing appropiatly with my resentments toward people, places, and things & exposing my reservations of returning to a life of self will helps to keep me connected with reality. Helping another person in a time of suffering and trouble & being of service to the fellowship fosters a sense of well being that dispels any illusions alcoholism creates. Having the knowledge that i cannot drink or i will die was the beginning of faith that i can live a much better life without it.

If you are spending time worrying that you will forget what it was like, talk to a newcomer. Give them your phone number, spend time with them, & help them to stay sober one day at a time.
BTW~There is always gonna be newcomers!

HideorSeek

Amen, WC!

1SoberSwede

What you experience is completely normal for an alcoholic.It is a natural tendency to block out negative,and tragic events.It's natures way of allowing us to continue to function,and start the healing process.This is obviously a danger to alcoholics at times.I have to carry a list in my wallet,with the consequences of my drinking so that when my alcoholic mind start to reason..."It wasn't that bad"the truth hits home.The cold hard truth is that there are four choices,if you are an alcoholic...you can manage your disease,and recover.Or you will suffer the big three...jails,institutions,and death.I have never seen an alternate outcome.

This realization has kept me sober through the toughest times,when my insanity tells me that I have mastered my drinking problem.I totally feel for you when you see images of people drinking,and having fun...we all want that,but an alcoholic cannot afford it.Sure I had some great times while drinking,before my disease progressed.However,the damaged,and lost relationships were not fun,the DUI was not fun,and 5 years in some of California's toughest prisons,was not fun.My choice is,do whatever I have to do to recover...or die.Life is so much better without alcohol.Today I continue to live,instead of continuing to die.

HideorSeek

Amen again! Swede!

Zencat

Recalling how desperate of a lush I was helps me to remember why I work an addiction treatment program.
I get the whole 'remember when' wont keep me sober...my active involvement with a personalized treatment program dose that.

wren

Well said.

When my mind tries to recall the positive times I had when drinking, it's getting easier and easier to say to myself, "That's the disease talking".

Dee74

I dunno....I don't think I ever really forgot what is was like...

all the crazy things I did in vain to not get 'too drunk'...alternating with water, timing my drinks, switching drinks...that all suggests to me I never forgot...I just hadn't given up the idea that I could change it....

Time and again I let all the rose coloured images sway me.

Once I accepted I was an alcoholic, and there was not going back, those rose colured voices have faded...

I'm not saying I'm bulletproof...I never want to be too full of myself....but thats partly why I hang out here....it reminds me everyday of where I've been.

D