Keep on relapsing
 

Hey guys.. have not posted in awhile. I had 18 months clean and sober, then relapsed 4.5 months ago.I had a sponsor and was working the steps. I relapsed over major resentments, being lonely (got together with an ex who was using, so i did), felt i was not making progress as quickly as others, could barely share at meetings (very hard too). now, I cannot seem to get more than 12 days without drinking again. sucks, really. I just don't know what the problem is, I felt that I did so much work before that it's going to take a long time to get to that point ,and then what if I feel the same way again? i guess just worried. When drinking, I get to escape reality, but then it hit's me back when I am sober. so, here i am getting ready to go back to school, living with parents (41 years old), no girlfriend, 2 kids, who don't live with me. Man, if being sober is what is was for that 18 months, that would truly suck. I know I am having a pity party. If I could just get the drive to not drink back. Yes, I do attend meetings. thanks for reading.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling swampy, you've got an '04 join date so I'd gather you've been taking a run at recovery for awhile.

I get daily meditations in my emails, and one of them in the last few days said something like this.....

I won't get a job by thinking about it, and I can't get a college degree just by looking at course catalogs.

Recovery is a program of action and doing. I've got to take the Steps and practice them, every day. I've got to attend meetings and share even when I don't feel like it. I can't use excuses like loneliness, slow progress, resentments, and relationships as an excuse to drink. Taking a drink, relapsing, just can't be an option anymore, it means death. What I'd prefer is life, and I've found that being clean and sober leads to a very, very good life but sometimes it takes longer than I want it to. It happens on God's time, not mine.

Drinking isn't reality, it's the Great Lie about alcoholism. This disease can destroy my life if I don't take it seriously.

Swampy,

So, I compare these two statements and I see a disconnect. If you think that you possess enough 'drive' or willpower to not drink, then you have missed Step 1.

Don't worry. It happens all the time, for various reasons. The experience you are having right now of wanting not to drink, but being unable to stop, is really what Step 1 is about. Powerlessness.

You, just like me, lack the power to not drink. Lack of power is our dillemma. The book (see pg 45) is all about getting that power.

So, if your sponsor is not taking you through that book to learn the specific and precise directions for getting that power, he is doing you a dis-service.

I had to find someone who could me in that book what actions I could take to have that power in my life. Those are the Steps.

What was your sponsor having you do? What Step were you on?

Swampy ....glad you came back to SR....:yup:

I totally agree with Astro and Keith
and
I'll add.....Relapse is about alcoholism ...not recovery.

Hi again Swampy
I'm glad you're back.

Well, I'm not an AAer but I'd go back to daily meetings and to that sponsor who gave you the jails institution and death speech back last time and I'd take Keith's advice and start the steps over...

I think you really need to think about those resentments and regrets cos it's like a theme running through your posts, man - this was mid November last year:

D

Yeah.. the more i think about it, it's the resentments that got me back out to relapse. Thanks for the responses. It's embarrassing the time i have been on this site and still struggling!!! Btw, I did get to step 10, but obviously it did not sink in.

Hey man, your posts suggest that you are open minded enough to do this properly, for you, this time. Go back through the steps and do them thoroughly (even if you think you did last time) this time...maybe there are amends that you did not make...there were amends that Dr Bob didn't make and he drank over them and then went out and made them all and stayed sober...

Please understand, if you can, you relapsed 4 and a half months ago, you have not been relapsing for the last 4 and a half months you have just kept drinking with periods of abstinance in between, trying again to stop drinking through your own willpower and trying to control it.

Sounds like this could really work out for you if you are willing to get back on with some work and get really honest with yourself...as for being 41 and living with parents...so what if you are anything like me you should be dead by now anyway, count yourself lucky, even whilst you are on the pot hehe And anyway i am 38, 39 in May and if it hadn't been for drinking i would have been a decorated Captain on special missions like James Bond by now, so who's got the real right to feel sorry for themselves...or maybe an astronaut, do they have astronauts that are scared of flying...hmmm...i would definitely have been a billionaire though, probably;-)

Maybe. Resentments never caused me to drink. I drank because I'm an alcoholic. I drank because I couldn't choose not to.

But, resentments keep me blocked off from the sunlight of the spirit, and without that light in my life, I'm sure to drink.

I was talking to a new guy last night. He's been trying to piece together a little sober time since November. Seen him go to the hospital a few times, cops kick down his door after suicide threat, even went away to detox for a couple weeks and drank on the way home. What I shared with him was part of my Step 1 surrender experience.

When I got sober, I believed that the world was divided into those who were blessed and those who were f**ked. Everybody is in one of those two boxes. And it was obvious to me which box I was in. I was one of the ones who wasn't going to recover. I was just going to keep living that way getting ever more miserable and alone. Somehow, that idea filled me with enough desperation, and enough freedom, to truly surrender. I had nothing to lose, and I could fearlessly do all the things I was reluctant to do. I worked the AA program like my life depended on it, because I had nothing to lose.

I loved reading that Keith, it's a simple explanation for a complicated alcoholic like me, and the solution was much simpler than I thought.

Thanks, Astro. Man, I still connect strongly to that Step 1 experience. It has not faded for me over time. I think surrender is an ongoing state of mind, not a one time process.

My ego always wants to kick in and tell me I'm doing great after not drinking for a while. Truth is, I am doing great, but I need to stay surrendered and keep my reliance where it belongs.

Again, the support here is astonishing!! You guy's gave me alot to think about. Feel better and more focused, but that always happens after a few days being sober. It's like my mind is playing a trick on me, then all of a sudden the urge to drink comes up, and back at the races again. It's amazing how many opportunities, lost relationships, and negative events have come about from the alcoholism. trying to get back on track and the desire to drink drives me crazy.